Natalie apparently was with Gabriella Cilmi yesterday at Universal. She is 16. I love her. It’s so wrong but i can’t help it. I’m also fighting the nagging pain of missing Kelly, even though i’m glad she’s nowhere near me.
There’s no way around it. I am very judgemental. I always have been. I’m sitting with Joel Osteen on in the background with all his positive talk and feeling very hypocritical. I’ve been having to do a lot of thinking lately about not judging people, which has been very difficult. In the last few weeks i’ve gone through dealing with letting go of massive anger, facing up to appearing arrogant, and now, i have to look at how i can be more accepting and judge people less. I know i do it but it’s hard to find out why. As time has gone on, i’ve found my mindset slowly changing and my thoughts drifting naturally in a progressive way over the rough edges of what i call me.
I find the Biblical line on judgement very, very hard. It’s not as if it’s ambiguous. Being “holier than thou” is a “foul stench in the nostrils of God” and extremely offensive spiritually. Saying “do not judge” isn’t hard to understand, but it’s so hard not to do as we do so automatically. I am particularly bad with it. I judge very quickly and very harshly. Listening to Joel on being prejudiced and being loving has been immensely challenging for me.
I find the darkest motivation for me is watching and listening to my dad because i can hear him in me, especially when i am feeling defensive and angry. He appoints himself as a judge, somehow presiding over a situation as if he is being asked for advice and/or a ruling. He thinks he is the authority and the ultimate overlord in deciding whether something is right or appropriate, like he is owed an answer to the most personal of questions whenever he demands it. I hate it, although i think it may be a way of depersonalising.
I’m not quite like that but i worry i am too blinkered when i’m furious that i regress to what i saw and learnt from him when i was small. I am no doubt going to be returning to this topic.
There is even an in-joke about me amongst my friends nicknamed the “Curse of Cameron” that i found out about recently. It started in regards to business, as i have a spooky knack of being able to predict which companies will fail and which will make it, and after i’ve damned them in public, they die off within months. It happens with girls too, as when we split up, they tend to go downhill fast, physically and emotionally. I joke that no weapon can harm me (of course it can) but it is weird that no-one who messes with me ever prospers. Cursing others isn’t a good thing or something i want to brag about.
They say judgement comes from pride – the belief that we ourselves would never do the things we are so judgemental of. Mine is always in anger, and it’s extremely fierce. I can’t stand stupid people or those who are callous; people who are told they are doing the wrong thing or given the right thing to do by multiple friends, but they go ahead and do it their way anyway, knowing it to be wrong. It ends up hurting a lot of others, but mostly hurts them. I just don’t get how someone can knowingly do something they know is probably wrong, and will stubbornly claim they are right when they know inside it’s not true.
I may be stubborn and strong-minded, but i am very weak when it comes to that cognitive dissonance. I can’t stand the conflict in my head of outwardly saying one thing whilst knowing the other to be true. I just don’t have the strength (or ability for denial) you need to do it.
Being judgemental for me is endemic, and i’ve spent a while now trying to work out why i do it. It’s an automatic reflex, just like kicking people when they are down. I know it’s a defensive thing, but i can’t work out why you would bother. My best guess it is that it is a way of depersonalising a situation or somehow blocking it out. Compassion can sometimes feel like pity, and there have been so many people (cough, girls) in my life that have been manipulative and put on the crocodile tears to propagate their lies, get attention or just lounge around in self-pity. It makes you cynical, but it’s not that.
I don’t believe i’m better than you even though it might appear that way sometimes. I’m certainly not averse to highlighting my mistakes or saying when i have been stupid. I’m stupid more times than not. I’m also proud, but what man isn’t? But what is it in me that damns you and makes me take that decision you are something as a person rather than you have done something stupid? I find it very difficult to keep my temper or not express my frustration when someone is in a mess from another stupid thing they’ve done against good advice.
My prayer has been fairly simple – please make it possible for me to be less judgemental. In all of my prayers it has been the same as you have to meet the Father half-way – please make it possible that i can do this. I can’t forgive, please make it possible for me to be able to forgive. It’s something i have to consciously do, rather than something to ask to be delivered on a plate to your doorstep like a pizza. When i’m disgusted and angry, you know about it. And it’s not just frustration, it’s a torrent of self-righteous viciousness and bile that will punch you right down into the hole you crawled out of to darken my day. Once i’ve made my decision about what you are, that’s it. You’re condemned.
If you want to feel my hate, just do something callous. I can’t put on a smile for you or pretend like nothing’s happened until you’ve resolved it. Nothing can be normal until you’ve apologised, made up for it and corrected it. I don’t want you to understand or hear my feelings, i want it fixed. And as long as it’s not fixed, you can fuck off until it is. I am intolerant of others’ mistakes and their shortcomings if they know what they are doing is silly, and i expect you all to be as introspective and reflective as me, evolving yourself as you go along and learn. Denial is something i am particularly vicious on, as is childishness.
I can’t learn any of these things on my own. I have to pray about them as i’m just not big enough or clever enough to re-program my heart in the way i need to be able to. The Father is very clear on this and watching Joel has been humbling in so many ways. All of us are the creation of God and none are above any other. By judging, we put ourselves in the Father’s place, and that’s blatant blasphemy. We cannot presume to know how He does things or why things are imperfect at that moment as He may have designed it that way for a reason to accomplish something very specific. We cannot second-guess Him or resent Him for it. Those people are in your life for a reason.
I am no-one to criticise someone else, or damn them. It is not my place, but i can’t help doing it from that defensiveness. Life for me is about finding balance as you need to judge situations, but not people. Being negative doesn’t help anyone because only praise motivates. I have no reason or right to put myself above anyone else. It’s almost like i’m re-drawing the boundary around myself and shutting out the feelings that come with it that bond me – compassion, vulnerability, equality etc. It takes a stronger man to rise above it, pull down those walls and love someone inside rather than shut them out. It may also be a response to the judgement and rejection i’d felt, like a fight-back knee-jerk reaction of rejecting someone back.
Like in all things, understanding why you do something automatically leads you to stop doing it once you get why it is so negative.
The hypocritical irony is that i expect other people to be patient with me whilst i work this out and not judge me, but i wouldn’t extend them the same courtesy.
A lot of it comes from the way you were raised. At Acorn this week the talk was about the need to understand, feel and appreciate your roots, because someone who is rootless is lost and will not know who they are. Only when you understand where you come from can you know who you are. Trees have roots, and one central root that feeds all the others called the “tap root”. Without them, they are useless and desolate as the roots feed the whole plant. If you are rootless, you are blown about all over the place, all the time. You can’t make decisions, don’t know what to do, don’t know which is up and which is down, and are forever in a confused mess that’s unreal.
But what is also equally important is that just as you can not know your roots, you can also disown them or deny them. That in turn makes you rootless and blown about all the over the place from not knowing who you are.
See that’s where it starts to confuse me as i have immense compassion for those who are lost and can never seem to get it right. I am too compassionate sometimes for my own good, and deeply angry with others who refuse to show it when they can. I can’t watch a person suffer and not intervene if i have the power to relieve that suffering. I often get told it’s because of that i get myself into so many scrapes because i should let people suffer, feel my condemnation and take the consequences of their actions.
There is also this issue of being articulate. I’m fortunate as i am able to articulate and communicate myself fairly well, and i get very angry with others when they are unable to do the same. I see it as a failure to think, when i know it’s sometimes just that as well as being emotionally retarded, those who offend me simply aren’t any good at expressing themselves or articulating their heart and mind to me in the way i would like them to.
But regardless, i judge and give them a kicking and i don’t know why.
Very few had the same upbringing as me or faced the battles i faced. I’m not saying i had it worse, only that my life when i was younger was exceptional in the sense of it was different. My older friends can be very nasty which is why i am careful of whom i introduce to them, as they will rip you apart if they don’t think you’re genuine.
In my world, we grew up fast. We may not have had guns and been in a ghetto, but we had an interesting alternative in being white-collar kids with more money, less to do and a hell of a lot to rebel against. To give you an idea, we were smoking by 12, drunk by 13, lost our virginity by 14 and had done every drug you could think of by 15. 9 dads had killed themselves, most parents were divorced, everyone had been arrested more than once and had criminal records for some quite serious offences (assault, breaking and entering, criminal damage, drunk and disorderly etc), as well as writing off cars and more dangerous pursuits (like car-surfing). A good few of us had been expelled from school, more than a dozen suspended and police involvement at school cost several people i know their exams, if they were ever there in the first place to know.
Over 20 of my friends went to prison, 7 became mentally ill, 2 were convicted for murder (stabbings). Day to day we were using faked ID to get ourselves whatever we wanted, were always drunk (in lessons, all out free time), dealing drugs (me making them), detonating homemade explosives, setting fire to large fields and 4 houses were completed destroyed with over 50k of damage in each. You are talking about the same bunch of people who took LSD and hung out in an abattoir and fired fireworks at each other horizontally 6ft away for amusement. We weren’t always violent but there was a distinct stripe of outright nastiness that occasionally verged on cruelty as we learned to bully the bullies.
And that was all before we hit our twenties. After that we had money, could travel, and the world was open for business.
That may sound extreme, but believe me it was normal to use. When i hear all these tales of people getting over-excited about clubbing, or thinking they are so cool for doing a line of coke or being remotely rebellious, i just raise an eyebrow and chuckle to myself at their innocence. I may not have seen everything but i was brought up in a violent Christian fundamentalist home where all was about judgement and pushed academically against my will in a very nasty way. If i’m judgemental, it’s because i had to learn how to protect myself, but i know that’s not appropriate now. So like a Windows device driver, i’m having to roll back.
Where i come from wasn’t great, but it’s part of who i am today. Those are my roots and i know many others don’t share the same background. They have no right to judge me and i have no right to judge them. If they don’t get it as quickly as i do i have to calm my frustration and make a choice as to how to respond even if my whole being is telling me to lash out in frustration. I hate the fact humans can’t just get it first time round – it drives me mad. I hate the lack of diligence and the absurd pride. Part of re-establishing your identity seems to be owning your past no matter how good or bad, or painful it may be. It formed you and moulded you, and grew your character. It was almost certainly deficient so you didn’t get what you needed, but at least it gives you a sense of living history that forms your roots.
It does make sense to me intellectually that judgement is wrong, but it’s a hard thing to kick from your heart. It makes sense that i am simply that way as my parents were very judgemental and i just picked it up along the way. I don’t want to be like that. Middle England is a very judgemental place and people – all you have to do that is to read the Daily Mail. The discernment comes in judging that someone or something is wrong for you, not just wrong in general. Then you have the issue of moral absolutes, because there are many things that are just wrong and there are many people who deserve the judgement reaped on them (like criminals, paedophiles etc).
For you it’s probably a total non-issue as you had a good fair set of role models that imparted their wise and balanced outlook onto you naturally. But for the rest of us who have to walk down this road on our own and spend most of our lives trying to fix it so we can live normally and not pass it down the generational line, this is hard.
So give me a couple of weeks as it takes time to settle in. Once i have established the intellectual reasons why being judgemental is bad, i can start to apply that emotionally and make changes. I have such a lot of life changes going on at the moment that it’s hard to see where i am or where i’m going. All i know is that it’s never, ever been boring.
I spent some time walking with my mum recently and went off about how amazing nature is and why i don’t need to sit in a church to appreciate the mystery of creation. If you look, you’ll find wonder in the most banal and everyday things. There is beauty in the glorious simplicity of what we take for granted whilst we get on with our lives. The grace of colour, the faultless engineering in photosynthesis, the rotation of a planet with its own self-enclosed air supply.
Nikk, Erwini and Debbie were very dismissive of me when i said i didn’t want to “settle down”. I told them that i don’t have an issue with getting married, it’s the whole get a house-decorate-have kids thing. I want my life, my marriage and my family to be an adventure itself going on adventures. I want to live with lions in my back garden and being them up.
Why? This is why. (Thanks Clare!)
He started out like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRrxMv2a-e4&feature=related
Watch an Octopus turn into algae - so amazing it gets its own standing ovation. (Thanks Dan)
It’s strange that if you take a step back from the TV, you can see that women are marketed to in the same way with everything - you are not enough as you are, but buy our product and you will be. Every fucking magazine is full of gossip, diets, stories of dramatic weight loss and things that have happened in relationships. It grows women up with a false and superficial view of beauty they know subconciously is just wrong, as what is on the surface quickly disappears.
So you make your hair shiny with a nice style, stop eating properly, wear the season’s clothes, slap on a tonne of make-up, shave your legs, whiten your teeth, put on the fake tan, pull in your stomach, set up a cleavage or a short skirt, and act like a WAG. That’s supposed to be the commonly accepted idea of beauty? FUCK THAT.
So i thought it useful to take a look at where beauty comes from, according to some of the widely acknowledged beautiful women of the world. You’ll see they all share something in common, and it’s an appreciation that beauty is radiated outwards from within.
“The best part of beauty is that which no picture can express.”
Sir Francis Bacon
What makes a girl gorgeous is more than her appearance, size and shape. Her personality is her true source of beauty.
“It’s beauty that captures your attention; personality which captures your heart.”
Unknown
“Some beautiful things are more impressive when left imperfect than when too highly finished.”
La Rochefoucauld
This quotation about beauty and personality supports the idea that imperfection can make a woman more attractive – which has been proven by research.
“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a like from within.”
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
“Charm…it’s sort of a bloom on a woman. If you have it, you don’t need to have anything else; and if you don’t have it, it doesn’t much matter what else you have.”
J.M Barrie
Part of being charming is making others feel accepted, loved, and respected. Charm is a true source of beauty.
“There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.”
Sophia Loren
“It has been said that a pretty face is a passport. But it’s not, it’s a visa, and it runs out fast.”
Julie Burchill
Your appearance isn’t a true source of beauty, because it inevitably changes and fades.
“A better self-image doesn’t pay the rent or cook supper or prevent nuclear war. Feeling better about ourselves doesn’t change the world by itself, but it can give us energy to do what we want and to work for change.”
Our Bodies, Ourselves for the New Century
A great self-image not only makes a girl gorgeous, it energizes her to follow her dreams and passions.
“Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.”
Sophia Loren
Feeling good about yourself is the connection between beauty and self-image. The more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more beautiful you are.
“Self-esteem isn’t everything; it’s just that there’s nothing without it.”
Gloria Steinem
“Why hope to live a long life if we’re only going to fill it with self-absorption, body maintenance, and image repair? When we die, do we want people to exclaim, ‘She looked ten years younger,’ or do we want them to say, ‘She lived a great life!’ ”
Unknown
A beautiful woman doesn’t have to choose between living a great life and looking ten years younger – but living a great life can lead to looking ten years younger. Now, that’s beautiful.
Or of course, for some it may look like this:
God i fancy this girl. I’m hyponotised watching her at Glastonbury. Gabriella Cilmi is an Australian singer-songwriter who really is going places, and is getting it very right. Rufus Hound (i.e Rob Simpson), presenter de la Glastonbury extraordinaire is the man who might just eb able to get me some coffee time with her.
And the amazing bit? She’s 18 (or 16, depending on who you ask) and just moved to London. No, you read that correctly. She might look a lot older, but she’s still a bub. Gabriella, me love you.
And better still, she has a kick-ass website. That’s something rare for a musician, but she’s cracked it.
http://www.gabriellacilmi.com/
http://www.myspace.com/gabriellacilmi
So i just found out from the Doc that i have quadriceps tendinitis, which is apparently a fucked tendon just above the kneecap from being a little “over-enthusiastic” on my weekend adventures.
This month the site has been frrequented several times by people in the US military, Oxford University’s chemistry dept, and the usual assortment of randomers looking for information on anal orgasms and instructions on how to make a nuclear weapon.
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john howard right to leave speech
Well clearly i haven’t been watching enough Todd Bentley as i woke up in the middle of the night in severe pain, which has meant i am actually unable to walk today because it’s too agonising to bend my right leg. Thankfully with a little Rage Against The Machine i’m coping.
My dad, sis and Marcos have been pushing me to check out Joel Osteen on Sundays nights on Sky, as he’s a very interesting Christian pastor who talks more like a life coach than anything particularly Jesus-ish and leads the largest congregation in the US. And it’s got him in trouble with the fundies (fundamentalists) as he supports all faiths, refuses to teach damnation or quote scripture everywhere and won’t ally himself to a denomination.
Atheists love him, and apparently he gets more letters from them than any other faith. You can’t help but love Joel.
What a guy. I ended up watching a lot of his videos and the amazing part is that he ironically has a huge following amongst Muslims and Hindus. You get past the Southern draaaaaawl quickly.
Enlarging your circle of love (pt 1) - ignore the worship/bible bit for the first 2mins…
“What about people who aren’t like us and don’t have our background? God put the people in your life for a reason. Too many people have their walls up. We make a judgement and we don’t even know the person. What causes us to judge is…pride. We don’t know what we’d do as we’ve never walked in their shoes. We haven’t had the upbringing they had. Some people look down on others that struggle with their weight. You don’t know the battles they face. Some have hang ups because of the way they were raised. They didn’t choose it. We have to get past this thinking of ‘if you’re like me i’ll accept you’. Don’t pre-judge someone because they don’t meet your standards.”
Pt 2 - “There is nothing God dislikes more than being Holier Than Thou. It’s more important to be pure in your heart to God even if you’re imperfect on the outside. We can’t go around shutting people out because they’re not exactly like us. We have to give people a little room while they’re changing. That young lady may be on her last legs.”
Pt 3 - “The mercy we show to others will be the same amount God will show to us. There is too much judgement in this world today. It’s not our job to convert anyone, just to present the truth. I love all people of all faiths as they are all God’s creation. He drew a circle around to shut me out, and i said i’m going to draw a bigger circle around him and shut him in. When you are good to people who don’t deserve it, you melt their cold hardened heart. I bet everyone here has someone in their life they are shutting out.”
And yes, it hit me VERY hard right when it was unexpected and was very challenging considering how judgemental i can be. Sometimes things are presented to you in your life and you think through them and agree, but sometimes they hit you right in the chest and push you. By the end of these i realised i had my head bowed, looking at the floor.
I finally managed to get my first solid block of sleep for days last night and so feel a little better, even if Zair may have given me his cold. This week has been an amazing whirlwind and left me with so much to do. But i feel the need to slow down temporarily as my brain really can’t be made to operate 24/7.
The big debate in the Church at the moment, and for most Christians, is the so-called “Florida Healing Outpouring” or the “Lakeland Revival” led by the Charismatic Canadian evangelist Todd Bentley and his organisation “Fresh Fire Ministries”. It is being broadcast every night by God TV all around the world, and spreading absolutely everywhere. Bentley is unusual as he is covered in tattoos and piercings, as well as having been a former drug addict that was imprisoned for child molestation. Thousands of people are reporting that they have been miraculously “healed” through faith just from watching it (legs stumps regrowing etc), and up to 15,000 people a night turn up to sing and dance at his religious circus.
One thing is clear - it is great TV. One hell of a TV programme.
For me it’s been mentioned at Acorn and my mum has been a big supporter. I, like many others, have serious doubts. The Church debate is about how genuine this guy is, and whether what is happening is from God or something else. You have to be extremely careful about typecasting the Father, as he really does do things weirdly. An open mind is paramount, although cautiousness and scepticism is necessary (just as with the New Age family of beliefs).
This one is very tricky and not clear at all. It needs immense discernment and wisdom – more than i have. Discernment is the ability to know whether the source of something spiritual is good (i.e. of God) or evil (from His enemy), and/or sometimes, how it is being used by God for what purposes, as He permits temporary bounded evil in certain circumstances.
I have a massive problem with the Charismatic movement in general simply as it’s totally neurotic and sensational crap that can usually be put down to religious crowd hysteria. The idea of human beings barking like dogs, trembling and laughing insanely like they are “drunk” doesn’t strike me as what a God of order and peace would choose to work, even if he always does the unexpected. The order of creation puts humans above animals and to act like a beast is an act of judgement, not a blessing. The “Gifts” of the Holy Spirit they refer to come from a very specific prophecy that was fulfilled in the form of Pentecost – it was a one-off incident.
One of the pastors involved in the “Toronto Blessing” later went on to call it the “Toronto Deception” that was unhealthy and ended in the near-destruction of the community. His letter to the Church is an interesting read.
Bentley’s past is no real issue, as clearly his life has taken an entirely new direction. In fact, scripture reflects that the Father *always* uses unexpected people – David was an adulterer, Moses a murderer, Christ a peasant carpenter, and Paul a genocidal maniac. The fact he is very different is no cause for concern, neither are his tattoos, his MySpace page, general appearance or the mistakes he may have made before. All men are fallible, and it is wise to remember that. Again it brings us to the point of whether the attention is on the “movement” and/or Bentley, or it is on God.
The vast majority of his supporters, and those who defend him, seem only able to repeat what they’ve heard and use the same pseudo-logic to answer very childishly. You can’t hang someone by their crowd, but they’re really not helping by arguing their point badly.
Why Florida, and why do you need a revival?
Why is this sensational madness always in the US, and always with charismatic Christian communities? Again it’s foolish to pre-empt God, but It would seem to me there are far more effective places to bring out an uprising – like Iraq, Darfur or China. God is everywhere, all the time, for all time, and He is not something that needs to be “revived”. Perhaps it’s a clash of words, but i personally cannot see another one of these “movements” being an episode of a 10-part series by the Father to swoop in dramatically to a bunch of rabid Americans. What is this one different? Because it’s on TV.
Hype and confusion
All i see with this is increasing confusion, and a growing train of hype about miracles, wild testimony about all manner of spiritual things going on. The Father i know is one of order, simplicity and peace, who does all things for the long-term, albeit in a very unpredictable manner. Hysterical crowd behaviour, fast-moving chatter without external verification and the kind of reason-less abandon that surrounds this “revival” don’t fit the mould described in scripture. The TV viewers reporting they have been supernaturally “healed” all seem to talk of the show being “addictive” and the warm fuzzy religious feeling drying up after it’s ended. Scripturally, prophecy must always be 100% accurate to be valid, and it seems up to 90% of Bentley and his associates’ is very wrong. Why do we even need Prophecy after Christ?
No medical evidence or testimony
There is a concerted effort from Bentley’s team to publicise that all the evidence and testimonies of “miracles” are officially recorded and given medical verification. To date, none of these have been produced, and media enquiries have been met with delaying and silence. The Placebo Effect and psychosomatic causes can quite easily duplicate these hysterical crowd “healings”. Only time will tell, as it is difficult to criticise on this alone. Tales of “resurrected” children appear to have been exaggerated and subject to Chinese whispers. It is so frighteningly obvious that he is pushing people over when “lays hands” on them.
Egomania and the Todd Effect
The first thing you notice about Bentley’s approach is that he is very shouty and quite aggressive, and although he appears to be self-deprecating and uplifting of Christ, there is some serious egomania at work as he really seems convinced he is God’s messenger (Christ was the very model of humility). Power is the ultimate human weakness and always corrupts. I personally can’t stand that kind of emotive worship and preaching, as many others can’t. Intuitively my own thought is that it is pretence, and i am clearly not alone in thinking that. I have yet to find out whether he is a self-confessed “prophet” or whether he has simply not rejected the label put on him. BAM! No, thanks.
Known associates – Bob Jones/Kansas City movement, Mike Bickle, Paul Cain, William Branham et al
Bentley’s school of thought is derived from a number of very dubious sources, principally the “Latter Rain” movement headed up by William Branham, and a number of self-appointed “prophets” who all seem to have a real fetish about angels and their healing/guiding abilities. They have all been comprehensively exposed in the 1970s by Ernie Gruen. Bob Jones is laughable - a man who had young ladies strip naked before him to receive a prophetic word from him in private, and who claimed Jesus told him when he was in mental asylum he had to kill or forgive people to get his mind back. Each and every one of these men is morally, intellectually and spiritually espousing doctrine that is inconsistent and closer to New Age belief than scripture.
Cold reading techniques
This is how Tarot and psychics pry their revolting trade, and an exceptionally powerful skill of gathering clues from someone from their body language, guessing and observation (it is even more powerful if you’ve seen the psychic before and it’s the 2nd/3rd time, and massive confidence mesmerises those being read). There is a definite process of it going on in a number of his services, without a doubt. It is the opposite of scriptural prophecy. Is there any footage of Bentley being critical, or is he doing what astrologers do and saying generic positive comments that everyone wants to believe about themselves?
Healing without repentance
An old grey friend of mine peacefully pointed out something so very wise about the process of healing in scripture as it is very clear and specific. It is transactional and comes in several parts, but one thing is always constant – genuine repentance must occur beforehand, and healing is God’s response to that quiet repentance. Christ’s mission was to seek out the sinful and bring them to the light, carrying a (metaphorical) sword that divided peoples to make choices. It is like a handshake and you meet Him halfway, but the repentance must be first as a choice and act of will. I cannot see any call to repentance in any of what Bentley is doing, and the people crying and weeping are simply religious hysteria.
Those angel visitations
The most disturbing part of Bentley’s spiritual doctrine is his frank confession in his own blog and book about being “introduced” to an angel named “Emma” by Bob Jones (a corrupt evangelist) who floated above the ground and sprinkled gold dust in a church that culminated in a financial blessing. There are more – for example, another called “Grace”. Angels are very rare. Only 2 have ever given their names. They don’t float. They do not administer healing and are not to be worshipped or appealed to. They always point to Christ. They always appear as men without exception. They do not need to be “introduced” as they are terrifying. This story of “Emma” appears to be very embarrassing for his ministry and the story changes for every account of it that is given.
A quick note on angels:
Believe me, i have met people who claim to have seen angels, most in human form (one undeniably saved the life of my friend when she was 2 miles offshore in the sea and too exhausted to swim back). All of them report the same thing – they were struck dumb with sheer awe and abject *terror*. They can’t draw or recall what they saw even though they can see it in their head, but they are not describing what they see in books or the movies. We’re talking 8-14ft high, violently powerful and extremely intimidating. It’s for that reason the very first thing they say is always “fear not”.
And in case you’re wondering, the evil version also comes in the form of light, but is most commonly seen as wearing dark, ragged grave clothes with ripped flesh interspersed between the threads. Nice.
It’s consistent in being inconsistent
No matter what you see Bentley say or read what his defendants claim, when these ideas, reports, concepts and events are put under scrutiny, the story keeps changing. The openly contradictory answers are worrying – about his mother’s death, his tattooing, who was healed and who wasn’t, what Christ looked like, talk about the “third heaven”, visions of meeting Paul and Abraham (wtf?) whether it’s a money-making episode, and mostly importantly, about those angelic visitations. Again, God is not the author of confusion, as scripture says. Only intervention from man causes that kind of fog.
All the signs and wonders
We live in an age of scientific reasoning where we believe what we can see. Stage magicians dumbfound their audiences each night because of the “wonders” they do, and they are believed even though we know it is not real. Scripture specifically commands that we are *not* to accept signs and wonders as truth, and we are we to test what we see at all times (in fact, it goes one step further to say that evil *will* do such things and to watch out for it). One of the wisest things i have ever heard was one of my old greys pointing out that if evil can inflict suffering (emotional and/or physical, as in the Book of Job), then it can also lift it – which can appear as “healing”. Signs alone are not trustworthy and must be seen in context.
You will know it by the fruits
Scriptural wisdom asserts that the way to discern if anything is good/healthy r bad/evil/unhealthy is to look at what fruit grow from it. Quite a profound thought for anyone, spiritual or not. The true test of whether this “outpouring” is a blessing from God as claimed is in whether it brings people closer to God, makes them stronger in their faith, and to be blunt, how many homeless people are still out there hungry on the street in Lakeland. The biblical commandment is to GO OUT, not go into a building and get healing for free. According to Paul, a Christian is known by one thing – their love. We must wait to see what comes from what is going on over there.
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It’s a sad fact that human beings will believe almost anything if they want it badly enough. We’ll even stubbornly believe what we want regardless of the evidence placed in front of us. There are so many people just desperate to meet God somehow (to be healed mostly), and so angry that He doesn’t crash through into their life automatically without asking (he’s either in your life punishing you or he’s not interested and doesn’t care – make your mind up). I believe we are all born with an intrinsic link to our creator that drives us insane if it’s not connected to Him, and evil revolves around creating counterfeit alternatives to fill this need somehow (e.g. Tarot, astrology, paranormal etc).
There is no question as to whether God is involved, as He always is. He was there in the Nazi concentration camps, and in the twin towers on 9/11. The question for ms is *how* God is involved, and my gut instinct it’s not through Todd Bentley as His chosen prophet. If a person genuinely wants to know Him, He will meet you wherever you are, right there, right then (you can’t escape the Father, ever). Despite being a corrupt blasphemous heresy, He has allowed the Roman Catholic church to continue, and i bet He has also reached out to people in the pews who were being given sermons by a paedophile priest, just because they wanted to know Him. He works in everything and it is not for us to say, but as my mum so rightly says, God will not be mocked, and He will bring Bentley down if he is corrupt.
So there is no doubt that it is igniting debate, making the church study what is truth and what is not (which is wisdom), and ultimately, bringing a lot of people closer to their own spirituality and God Himself. If it is not from God, i find it difficult to reconcile why it would b leading people to Him. But if it does come crashing down, it could be catastrophic for God’s PR when it has been put on such a pedestal. It is not prayer that is spreading this “anointing” across the world, it is television and the Internet.
For me, miracles aren’t some weird unexplainable event. They are a supernatural intervention in a natural system that is governed by natural laws, but they are still observable scientifically if necessary. A violation of the natural laws of physics is an act of science like any other, only differing because we cannot explain it with the knowledge and tools we have. Can God heal? Yes. Will He? Yes. How? We can’t explain it scientifically yet. Does He use strange situations and unexpected people? Yes.
In conclusion, my own opinion is that Bentley is a little too hung up on being Mr Healer to a religiously hysterical crowd and heavily misguided in his doctrine and philosophy that has been passed on by his contemparies . I think time will show that the Father is using him for a purpose other than what he thinks – to bring us to the place where we make choices and meet those who want to be near Him, en masse if necessary. Time will tell if my judgement is right.
In 2 Thessalonians 2:9-12 it is the lack of love of the truth that causes the Father to send a “powerful delusion” so people make their choice and become divided into those mark themselves out to be His and those who say they are not. As was so wisely pointed out to me recently, Christ is a King that rules above all the other kings, not a fucking circus trainer.
Further reading (or just look on YouTube):
Long-term friends of mine will know i have somewhat of a love-hate relationship with the British security services. It seems that MI6 (or SIS - Secret Intelligence Service), who’s motto “Semper Occultis” (”always hidden”) appears to be less and less hidden as the years go on. Since the government stopped denying its existence in the early 90s, SIS is more plural and family-friendly, which has led to them now recruiting openly from the public instead of quietly shoulder-tapping students at Oxford and Cambridge.
3 people i know are now ex-SIS - one who became a vicar, one who was gunned down in Africa, the last one who started a private security company outside London. I’ve known 4 people who’ve been selected, and had to be a referee for 2 during their positive vetting (PV).
So what can you expect? Not a Walter PPK, that’s for sure. SIS officers aren’t “spies”, they are generally “handlers” for informants they recruit to provide intelligence through being paid, manipulated or blackmailed. It’s predominantly a civil servant desk job (along with the crap CS pay grades) as the military ops are handled by a specific division from the SAS/SBS called the “increment”.
From what i understand, training is done at Fort Monkton in Gosport, and involves learning tradecraft and going out to pubs to get random people to give information like their passport numbers. Only your spouse can know what you do (SIS has a very high divorce rate) and if anyone asks, you’re at the British Embassy because you work for the Foreign Office. Other than that, you get to write lots of briefings that no-one really reads, passes on to British companies like BA or BP, or possibly uses to justify a politician’s desire for military action in another country.
Oh, and nobody will ever know what you do or how much effort you put in.
Or you can apply now:
http://www.mi6.gov.uk/output/Page591.html
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