1. Can you tap dance?
No, and if i tried i’d clearly look very silly indeed. In fact i’d go so far as to say i can’t dance at all, in any way. I look like an epileptic in front of a strobe light, as i tend to say.
2. Do you own a pair of see-thru underwear?
Wow, i never knew such things existed on the high street. You can count that as a no, although i’d be interested in finding out more
3. What color is the sky today?
A beautiful English tapestry as it happens - a mixture of gray tones, light blue and pale green, with a splash of reddy-orange
4. Do you own a classic brown teddy bear?
No, because i’m a guy and we don’t do teddies. If you are a guy reading this and own a teddy bear, sorry to heave to break this to you like this, but you’re gay. If you know a guy who has a teddy bear, he’s gay.
5. Is your favorite holiday christmas?
No fucking way. Christmas in my house has always been an annual oppotunity to disappoint each other and start arguments, and show our utter contempt at being in the same room as each other. It was so much better when Father Christmas was real. We lost that wonder somewhere.
6. Is there a candle by you?
If only. Then i’d be writing from a sepulchral old house with rose petals scattered around me and the finest wines the world could offer.
7. If you had an iPOD mini, what color would you have?
Silver - blue looks crap and pink is for girls.
8. What song are you listening to?
“Sleep Well Tonight” by Fightstar. A surprisingly good band considerably their singer’s history. Highly recommended.
9.what color is your hair?
Dark brown right now, but its slowly disappearing under all this fucking stress. I have minimal body hair too, but thats very dark brown, almost black.
10. How many myspaces have you had?
Just the one, and thats enough so far as i can barely manage it as it is. I intend to have more as i hvae got my ass back gigging again.
11. Have you ever made a myspace survey?
Nope, but (as you’ve probably guessed by now) i’ma total survey obsessive. Gives me the chance to share a little more with the world about who i am and what i think outside of the typical boxed questions such as “About me”.
12. Are you wearing any jewelry?
A storm watch and a silver ring. Silver all the way it is. Gold is just too chavvy.
13. Where does your grandma live?
Well all over the place is the answer. Most of the time she lives in Scotland, and is the spitting image of Master Yoda. Small, tiny head, pointy ears and a hobble to match. She’s ever so slightly mad and into her new age crystal-reading and the rest. Very strange woman with no capacity for emotion.
14. Are you an angry drunk?
More of a passionate one i think, although i have been known to get very angry at times. I tend to get a lot quieter and withdraw inside myself, whereas before it used to be the opposite. I’ve never been good with drugs that heighten my sense of vulnerability.
15. Do you prefer pen or pencil?
Pencil as it has a built in “backspace” key in the form of a rubber eraser, and its more versatile, allowing you to use different tones and textures.
16. Are you wearing deoderant?
Yes, FCUK today, and i smell rather nice. Why be pikey and just go links? Its all in the detail - the ladies notice every tiny thing.
17. Ever been in an earthquake?
Not yet, and hopefully i never will be.
18. Is your birthday this month?
Nope, but it was my best mates on the 7th and it’s Nadda’s on the 30th, which is good enough for me. But what to buy her? Ahaa yes i have a brilliant present - although someone probably has got it for her already…..
19. Do guys suck?
If you ask them nicely. Answers from militant feminist man-haters will be along the lines of how all men cheat, how we never listen etc. Hello - do we whinge when you don’t give us a solution and try to empathise when we don’t want that, or whinge when you leave the toilet seat down?
20. Are you afraid of the dentist?
Fucking terrified, as my dentist is nothing short of a total raging sociopath. He takes no shit from anyone, and gets the job done in mins. No complaing, avoiding or whingeing will save you either. He’s damned good though.
21. Do you know exactly what car you want?
A chrome Lamborghini Diablo kitted out with every gadget imaginary and an inside thats a cross between something out of James Bond and Airwolf.
22. Have you ever bought something from ebay?
Not yet, although everyone i know has. I just don’t like the whole “auction” business, although its great for getting old set-top boxes and weird nic-naks you can’t get anywhere else.
23. Ever seen “boy meets world”?
Nope. Is it a gay porn soap opera that Gaz would watch?
24. Own a locket?
No, as its something that comes with your OAP bus pass and gets found as a relic on the Titanic. Something Granny would appreciate - we have Flickr now.
25. Do you share a locker?
At the gym, no. I demand my own space in that regard.
26. Ever dissected anything?
Everything i can get my little mitts on as i’m a sick fucker like that, and i’d even eat it afterwards. I get hungry when i watching surgery, but i wouldn’t eat my wife’s placenta like Tom Cruise.
27. Ever had a referral?
No idea what that is supposed to mean?
28. Do you play with Lego?
I used to, as does every boy. Playing with it at my age is a bit of a stretch though, and would probably be out of boredom of retardation rather anything else. Adults who enjoy kiddies toys need to be viewed with the deepest of suspicion.
29. Do you know when easter is?
I wouldn’t normally, but since it was last weekend even a fool like myself would know, thankfully. I never know how exactly they work out when it is going to be each year though.
30. Last type of sweets you ate:
Simpsons fruit gums from my Simpsons’ easter egg bought from Sainsburys. My medication slows my metabolism whilst increasing the craxing for sweet things - bad combination. All i need is PMT to round it off.
31. Last time you wrote a note?
Less than 5mins ago, to remind myself to look up all the satellite channels beamed into Egypt on the C-band. Fascinating, i know 
Its not a hobbie though, its for work…
32. Ever been on a cruise?
Nope, and never intend to despite all the wonderful things people say. I’ve been put off after a lifetime of reality TV documentaries and Watchdog scandals. All i can think of is food poisoning and sea-sickness.
33. Ever gotten pregnant by someone on a cruise?
3 times (all with twins), in consecutive years…
34. Ever died your hair?
Only been brave enough to do a few times, all within the same few months. I went for jet black, which worked well for a while before i realised my skin tone is far too light for such contrast.
35. Like your handwriting?
What’s left of it, kind of. I type everything now so i can barely remember how to write, and i get frustrated with the lack of backspace key and how inefficient it is. If you qualified for med school on the basis of handwriting alone, i’d be a professor.
36. Do you eat?
No, i binge and gorge. Eating is for mere mortals who require food to stay alive. I, on the other hand, am a ball of supreme extraterrestrial energy who cannot be silenced or understood.
37. Are you wearing lotion?
None of any kind, and any guy who does, is gay. Thats right, if you use moisturiser, you’re a poof, plain and simple. If you’re bf wears it, check to see if he has a dick, and then check to see if its real. Chances are you’re fucking a ladyboy/shemale.
38. Last time you talked on the phone?
2 hours ago, to my darling mother. M choice to call her this time though, to let her know i’m not dead and don’t intend to put her in a nursing home when she starts losing control of her bodily functions.
39. Do you know Victoria’s Secret?
Keeping quiet and staying sexy. Agent Provoateur and Myla are *so* much better.
40. is this survey gay?
Without a doubt - its 50 questions of crap, usless, mindless dross that are totally irrelevant to normal life and a drain on productivity.
41. Ever been in love?
Not what i’d consider love in hindsight. I think a lot of peoplle think they are in love when they really aren’t. Nobody can even define what it means either, despite their best efforts. Women are particularly bad for it - they get so drunk on the romantic idea of love they fail to see any reality thats nearby. Don’t think so? Defence enters exhibit A - women marrying serial-killers in jail.
42. What were you last halloween?
Almost certainly working on a spreadsheet whilst the world carried on without me. Very glad i missed yet another commercialised ex-pagan yearly ritual as it probably saved me a few quid. Trick or treat? Treat yourself to my middle finger and a punch in the balls, fuckface.
43.Ever met a midget?
I have a thing for dwarf porn, for its humour value (little people doing it), and as it happens i do know several dwarfs. Almost all had problems with HGH (human growth hormone) production somewhere down the line.
44. Ever been to Cuba?
No but i’d love to as i’ve become a cigar fiend in the last few years. Cigars apparently cost a few pence over there, but get sold for up to 50 here. Now thats some profit margin - one the devil himself would be proud of. I’m told the country itself is just beautiful, even though it houses Guantanamo Bay and Fidel Castro.
45. Ever cut yourself shaving?
Most times than i care to remember, and its almost always down to inadequate preparation (i.e. warm water and skin massage) or a dirty/blunt razor. Oh and by god it stings, big time. And you always look dumb as it flares up - i remember my dad going to work with tiny bits of tissue paper all over his face.
46. Ever owned an exotic pet?
No but i’d really like to. My thing is big cats, so lions, tigers, leopards and cheetahs would be amazing in the back yard, even if the temperature didn’t suit. Friends of mine in Africa grew up with Cheetahs wandering into school grounds and their dads’ bringing back lion cubs into the house that had been expelled from their litter.
47. who’s your crush?
That i’m not telling, as i’m not sure she realises quite how bad it is.
48. Is it someone elses birthday?
NI’m sure that somewhere in a world of 6 billion people there is someone celebrating their birthday today, but no-one i know. Nearest is Nadda’s on Sunday, where she goes into her last teenage year
49. Had a good day?
Reasonable. Very, very busy indeed as everyone has got back from their Easter break and has a fresh tail-wind. I always have amazing days, the only part that differs is how amazing they are. At least my day isn’t like Jack Bauer’s in 24.
50. How long did this take you?
Longer than expected as i’m utterly exhausted!
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