Men aren’t women. We’re not like you, and you’re never going to empathise or feel what we feel. We don’t do things they way women do. Dont expect us to do things you would or think they way you do.

Men are incredibly simple, and the reason you don’t understand them is because you are making us far more complicated than we actually are. Women are like mixing boards, whereas men are like a light switch. We’re not like you at all, we think in black and white. That doesn’t mean we’re stupid, it measn we prioritise and are very direct. We don’t have time or room for complexity like you do. If you expect us to be complicated, you won’t understand us and will just keep getting frustrated.

The only thing that makes us feel better about a problem is when we work out how to solve it. We don’t want to talk about it. Talking about doesn’t make us feel any better likeit does for you. We don’t want you to empathise or understand how we feel. We want the damn thing solved. Talking about it only reminds us of the problem and makes us angrier. The fact we’re not talking about doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with our relationship, it means we want to be quiet and work it out. We’ll get back to you.

Men do listen. We just don’t listen like one of your girlfriends would. You need to tell us how you want us to listen to you and what makes you feel better. You need to explain to us that you’ll work out a solution on your own, and you just need to share it and get it out of your system.

We know you’ll tell your girlfriends about our sex life, but we really don’t want you to as its between us and no-one else. We resent you for it and think you’re hypocrites as you’d hate the idea of us discussing you with our friends. The thought is always at the back of a guy’s mind and because of that we have a fundamental problem trusting you with anything else.

Men don’t cheat because they are emotionally unfulfilled, as women do. They cheat because they feel trapped in a relationship or just to indulge themselves. The evidence from evolution means that all male animals need to spread their genes as widely as possible (to ensure survival) and create as many offspring as they can, hence the reason why we stay fertile into our 90s and you stop at the menopause. You require stability and fidelity instead, primarily for raising children. That doesn’t mean we can stop ourselves cheating, but helps to explain why we are more predisposed to it.

Guys assume that as long as you’re not complaining or explaining you’re unhappy, everything is fine with the relationship. We expect you to tell is if something’s wrong or you’re pissed off or confused about something. We get confused if you just bottle it up and say nothing, and then randomly explode one day for some small tiny reason. Agree a time to talk with us about and tell us what is on your mind. Be direct, honest, let us know how you want us to listen and what you want us to do about it.

When we get home and plonk ourselves in front of the TV, its our way of shutting off and winding down. We’ve been at work all day and are mentally exhausted - we don’t want to talk about our day. We don’t want to talk at all, and that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with our relationship. We only talk when we want advice, not just for the sake of it.

Men are visual and mechanical creatures. We don’t “sense” of “feel” anything. We lust after what we see, not what we feel or imagine. The things we are attracted to and value are practical or inanimate objects that convey status or make us feel powerful and admired. Thats the reason we like gadgets so much, and why we look at other girls in the street.

Talking about marriage, kids, moving in together or commitment scares us silly and makes us feel claustrophic and trapped. We need to know we have the possibility of seeing other women and the power to get out if we need to. We’re not ever going to exploit that possibility, but we need to know its there until we choose to settle down. We have 4 times the amount of time to conceive children than you do (80 years instead of 20) so we’re in no rush.

Men don’t hint about anything, never have and never will, EVER. We don’t get hints, even the ones you think are huge and unavoidable. Its like speaking to us in Cornish or Nepalese. In cavemen days, being indirect or not clear enough would get you killed. We won’t get your hint no matter how hard you try. We respond to direct,clear communication and nothing else. If you want reassurance, you need to tell us and stop getting angry that we don’t automatically know, like your girlfriends do.

Men need to feel admired and needed, and if we’re not, we die. We want to be a knight in shining armour. Being loved is great, and its what women want more than anything. We want to feel powerful, intimidating and looked up to. A woman’s happiness and self-esteem comes from her relationships, but ours comes from our status.

We can’t stand women who are high maintenance as they are a burden. We see clingy, attention-seeking or dramatic girls as weak and don’t respect them, as in our minds the ultimate thing to be is strong, powerful and of high status. The more feminine you are, the more masculine we feel. If you’re an attention-seeker, it just spells out dependent, childlike and needy, which means weak. Its for the same reason we don’t show our emotions and feelings - vulnerability spells death for a caveman.

Shopping for us is a hunting trip. Its a precision activity where we isolate our target prey from a list of things to capture and ruthlessly execute a battle plan that gets us in and out of enemy territory as soon as possible. Its not a social activity where we spend time working out what we want according to how we feel. Send us on a mission when you need supplies.

We don’t like skinny women. Slim or athletic, yes. Heroin chic or boney thin, no. Its a biological thing where we are, like you, attracted to the mate with the most attractive gene characteristics. Skinny means weak and unhealthy. Size 12 is OK, and maybe a 14 too. Size 8 and below isn’t on.

When we get upset, we just want to sulk and be left alone. If we want to talk to someone we will approach them for a solution to the problem thats upsetting us. We don’t understand that you need a hug and to know that someone understands and cares. We get furious when we try to comfort you and you won’t stop crying, and that nothing we say will make you feel better. We don;’t understand how you can be hysterical one minute and Ok the next. You need to tell us to hug you and explain how what we’re doing will help you feel better.

Clothes for us are there so we don’t go naked, or to show off our power and status. We don’t dress ourselves accoridng to our mood, the weather that day what we will be doing. For women, clothes are a form of self-expression that conveys the way you feel. We just make sure we are covered and that we don’t look too tacky or ragged.

We’re obsessed with sports because it indulges our need for pack-hunting, power and status. Its a tribal battle thing and we’re attracted to it in the way you’re obsessed with sharing your feelings with friends, fashion and shopping. Sport gives us a way to indulge our primaeval instincts in a constructure way and get them out of our system. Sex is a performance sport for us.

The reason we don’t do the small little things you like and want us to do, is because we believe that bigger is better. The larger the present or gesture, the more we love you. If we buy you a mars bar, you’re a friend. If we buy you a car, it means we’re going to marry you. If we buy you a bunch of roses, for us its 20 points, and 1 rose is 1 point. You need to explain to us how to rack up a massive score of points by adding one at a time.

Our brains aren’t wired for telepathy and guessing how you feel. They’re wired for hunting, battle, orienteering our way through complex jungle and fighting off intruders. In our minds these are bigger and more important things than the minor gripes you have about TV channel-changing, gossip, horoscopes or the toilet seat being left up.