Maybe i’m just another romantic fool grieving a lost era.

Girls always try to portray themselves the same way, especially on MySpace - they’re crazy, whacky, love clubbing, love dancing, are really happy/positive, love their family and friends and just love life. If only it was actually true and not a crock of shit designed to make them seem attractive. Spend 5 minutes with any one of them in real life and you’ll quickly find out that they’re almost always miserable, attention-craving, childish and bordering on psychotic bunny-boiler when they have the hint of feelings for someone. They have difficulty holding a proper, genuinely stimulating conversation, and seem to think its hilarious to act like a clueless bimbo with an IQ of 15 and a half. Most don’t have an opinion on anything unless its featured in Heat. They’re utterly controlled by their emotions and so wrapped up in the fairytale idea of “love” that they can’t see what’s right in front of them. Give them a few minutes alone in your room whilst you’re in the shower and they won’t be able t resist checking your text messages and/or email.

Give me a girl like this below and i’ll arrange the queue outside her door. Ladies - be a little more like this and you need never worry about your boyfriend straying or ever needing to do something to make the guy you like stay around for longer than it takes you to get undressed. Its the simple things that matter and English girls just don’t seem to have the elegance they are famed for anymore. They seem to be on a one-way suicide mission to appear air-headed, superficial and illiterate. Not every guy is that though either, so maybe its not fair to generalise and stereotype so widely. But let me put it this way - if you don’t fit that stereotype, why aren’t more visible?

Does this woman even exist any more? Is all hope truly lost?

She can write and spell properly
I know i’m going to sound really, really anal when it comes to this, but personally speaking this is symptomatic of a much larger malaise. There’s nothing more tragic than meeting a lovely lady who you later find out can’t articulate themselves and has no intend of trying to. Text message language screams out 14-year excitable happy-clapping child and all they entail. Our girl is a virtual poet who crafts her words and uses them as weapons in her war to charm the world. Simple punctuation and grammar don’t phase her - “their” is not spelt “there”, and apostrophes are all in the right places. The way she communicates is as important as her mascara.

She’s not stooopid
What is it with this whole dumbing down thing? Its not cool to be stupid. I look at some girls’ profiles in utter disbelief when i hear they don’t want to put that they like reading for fear of appearing little no-life social retard. Gullibility is one thing, not even bothering to engage your brain or even taking 2 seconds to think before you spew crap out of your mouth is another. The girl every man wants has common sense, is intuitive and can pass a basic common maths test. Who wants to go out with a blow-up Barbie doll? Intelligence is sexy, because the mind is the greatest erogenous zone.

She has something to say for herself
Having an opinion is better than not having one at all. Nobody’s asking you to be a Nobel Laureate, but knowing where 25f your salary goes and/or what happened in the last 10 years goes a long way towards being someone. Our dream girl is aware of herself, her environment and gives a damn about what goes on in the world, even if she can’t do anything about it herself at that moment in time. Hopefully 2 decades of life on this planet has given you an idea of what you think is OK and what’s not.

She knows how to have a conversation
Conversation is a lost art. An art that for centuries determined your social status and reputation. Small talk is great for cocktail parties, but its meaningless in any other circumstance. By all means feel free to ask me asinine questions you’d ask any other person on a park bench, but don’t expect me to think any more of you than i do the average doctor’s waiting room patient. The girl who hopefully exists knows that the essence of irresistable flirting is the ability to be creative and seductive with words. Taking part in a stimulating conversation requires effort, which is why people don’t bother with it any more. Stimulating doesn’t mean intellectual - in fact, some of the best conversations are short, rapid-fire madness.

She’s in control of her emotions
Being in control doesn’t mean being cold, it means not acting like a raging sociopath and losing all contact with reality when your buttons are pressed. Some girls are so driven by their hormones and emotional baggage that its impossible to get through to them once the fire has been lit. You can’t help thinking thet they are partially to blame for a large proportion of their problems, as taking 2mins to get yourself under control is not exactly a stretch. Our girl is a feeling and deeply passionate person that knows that feelings are not truth - they are feelings and they must be moderated according to their context.

She’s grown up, independent, confident and doesn’t play games
Wow. Give any guy the chance to have a relationship with a girl like that and you’ll be seeing speed tracks. Thats right - if you’re clingy, co-dependent, have an inferiority complex or are a manipulative little shit, then you can bet all your boyfriend’s mates think you’re a real dick and wouldn’t touch you with someone else’s barge pole. Something happens to girls in their teens that sends them mad, meaning they take all their more violent experiences from the volatile formative years and use them as templates for adult life. All girls play games, whether they admit it or deny it - why? Whats so hard about being a big girl (read: low maintenance) and communicating like a normal human being? If you have hang-ups and issues, get some help for them. Nobody’s going to damn you for it - in fact, to the contrary, you’ll deserve praise for getting it together.

She’s modest and grateful
Life in the western world is sterilised, safe and essentially uneventful. Complaining about daddy getting you the Porsche in green as opposed to red makes almost every guy i know cringe. Nothing is more irritating than listening to some spoilt, attention-ceaving rich/middle-class girl go on about how bad their lot is in life when in the back of your mind there are TV pictures of African children with flies on their eyelids or Balkan children who have been made orphans. Our girl is balanced, knows her strengths and weaknesses and genuinely cares about those who don’t have it as we all do.

She thinks superstition is stupid
Having a mind that works rationally means that if you don’t have any evidence to back something up, you don’t subscribe to it. Luck doesn’t exist. Many would argue religion is equally futile, as are silly pastimes like astrology. The lady of our dreams treats these absurd gimmicks with the contempt they deserve because she’s grounded and out of her teens. She realises that all of these things exploit our insecurities and chooses to address hers in more constructive ways that are considerably more dignified.

I know she’s out there. I may have already found her. But if i have, i won’t be sharing her…