Been a while since i did one of these, so time to catch. I feel ike death. God knows how i’m going to give my speech tomorrow

Enjoy!

1. What is the middle name of the first person you ever slept with?
I have no fucking idea. My head is a fog of man flu hell that means my brain seems to lack any coherent connection with the rest of me. I was 13 though, so surely i can be forgiven for forgetting someone i knew so long ago. Stupid bitch.

2. What kind of underwear are you wearing and what color?
Black Calvin Klein today. I would say i look hot, but the terrible truth is i look like someone out of a Hammer horror. I think i’m going to die.

3. Your most dramatic moment?
Having a 9 year old child soldier threaten to kill me with an AK-47 in Rwanda probably. Although being beaten by the police, being extradited and crashing head-on at 70mph into a tree whilst in the front of a mini rank up there too. My whole life is a fucking drama.

4. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?
Right now, being single. I love being in a relationship, don’t get me wrong. Sex on tap, intimacy after i’ve got back from fighting the world and the wonderful bonding that means you don’t need to explain yourself because the other person knows you so well. But having come out of an intense 3 year relationship with a very damaged person that nearly killed me, and having a lifestyle that doesn’t allow me the energy to make the necessary emotional investment, means that its ot happening for me this year. I just don’t have the time or the inclination. There will be a time in the future where i settle back into one though. I get asked why i’m single a lot actually, guess i should be flattered?

5. What would your last meal be before getting executed?
Humble pie. Other than that, a beef roast or massive rib-eye steak, still on the cow. Being as nervy as i am would mean i wouldn’t be able to eat anyway, so i’d order the most inconvenient thing i could.

6. Beatles or Stones?
Stones, any day. The Beatles may have been great songwriters, but lets honest - they’re gay. The Stones have Keith Richards.

7. If you had to pick one person on earth who should die, who?
Only one? I’d have a very tough time deciding exactly who that would be as there are just too many people i wish death upon, as much as my dear mother says i shouldn’t. Why lie? Oxygen is limited and there are people who don’t deserve to have the existence they are blessed with. Especially as there are so many other pleasant, humble people who suffer so much. If i had to pick one revolting human being, it would probably be

8. Beer, wine or hard liquor?
Hmm. Depends on my mood, but i’ve been teetotal for 2 years or so now. Wine is just feminine and tastes like shit; beer is for a summer afternoon with friends, and spirits are for those times when you are bloated from the beer or in a setting that demands sophistication.

9. What is the thing most important to you about the opposite SEX?
Years ago i would have said eyes, eyelashes, eyebrows (my sis says i have a thing about devilish eyebrows), boobs, hip-ass swing ratio, legs, hair or other physical attributes. But nowadays its about rapport, charisma and “x-factor”. There are so many beautiful girls, and i’m lucky enough to know many of them. But beauty is superficial. I need more than that. I need someone who has something to say for themselves, to be mentally stimulated (not necessarily a brainiac either).

10. What are your plans for the future?
I have so many. Near term, get my venture funded, built and sold. Buy a fat house, get into therapy and get the amigo mission underway. Start the next company (teaching kids the cirriculum with video games), have a tonne of kids and reinforce the empire. End homelessness in one city. Go into politics. Donate a lot of money to charity and do some amazing things that thrill people reading their newspapers in the morning. Become the most powerful man in the world.

11. If you could have any super powers what would it be?
The ability to stop/slow down time so i could walk around in it as its paused. Oh the fun you could have - nothing beyond your reach and nothing impossible. Would make a great film.

12. Do you dance naked in your room?
Only if there’s someone else there to make them laugh. Otherwise no because i’d be deeply worried if i did. I take requests though…

13. How many drinks does it take to get you drunk?
Well not sure now as my medication makes me hyper-senstive to alcohol so half a shot would fuck me up good and proper. I used to drink 12-14 cans of beer a night easily a few years ago (living with crazy expats that does that as its normal to them). I’m not a heavyweight per se, but i can hold my drink pretty well.

14. What is something you do often?
Smoke, which i shouldn’t. Wave my arms when i get talking about the way the world could be if we tried. MSN. Write emails. Swear. Be flippant to build rapport.

15. Hair color you most like someone you’re dating to have?
Without a doubt, i’m a man for dark brown hair (Melanie is a rare exception to this). Depends on skin tone and other hair areas as lighter skin needs lighter hair otherwise you get the goth effect coming through. The Latin look gets me every time.

16. Blind or deaf?
Deaf. I wouldn’t have to hear half the shit that spews out of the mouths of the stupid asinine people i deal with every day. I’m a very visual guy, so blindness would cripple me.

17. Do you have any psychiatric problems?
I’ve been mis-diagnosed with many, but the one that plagues me the most is clinical depression. I’ve been classified as psychotic, maladjusted, malignant narcissism, megalomania, having ADD, possessed by the devil and god knows what else. I’ve known for ages that i need therapy and luckily i’m one of the fortunate ones that responds very well to it just through talking and reasoning.

18. Have you ever had a bad sexual partner?
Hmm my sex life has always been really good actually, as i read, research and actively try to be better. I’m no master but i’ve got a good rep when it comes to that. I can single out a few examples but i’m not one to kiss and tell. Primarily the problems were through not being able to let go or just not “connecting” with the other person. I’ve been known to be a slut too occasionally despite it being contrary to my nature.

19. Least favorite month(s)?
I hate August, just as i’ve had a serious run of bad ones. Its hot, nobody is around to get a decision from and the press is in full silly season mode. This summer is going to be amazing if all goes to plan, so hopefully that run will be a matterof history.

20. Favorite hateful thing to do to someone?
I’ve crucified many people in some very horrid ways, as i’m the kind of person who wouldn’t fight you there in public but sneak into your house and slit the throats of your family while they were asleep. I also have a unique ability to pick out someone’s thumbscrews and insecurities and turn on them at a moments to demolish them very quickly in public. Off the bat, weedkiller on the lawn (spelling out “cunt”) is good, as is hiding disgusting pornography on someone’s computer, setting them up etc. So many things.

21. First movie you can remember seeing as a kid?
I honestly can’t remember. Star Wars maybe? Flight Of The Navigator was the first filmi saw in the cinema.

22. Favorite person in the whole world?
Almost certainly my nephew, as 2mins with him can lift my mood and bring a smile to the darkest of days, As trite as it sounds, i’d have difficulty choosing one as i blessed with so many wonderful people in my life. Right now outside family i’d probably say Emma, because i just love everything about her. She’s beautiful, talented and just so delicious i could eat her in one sitting.

23. When’s the last time you went on a date?
Fuck, i don’t know. Depends on what classifies as a date really, as a lot of businesswomen i know take me out for dinner and behave like its a date. Probably Susan earlier in the year, although despite being a lovely girl, just didn’t quite move my soul as i need these days. I have a feeling i’ve been on a lot more dates than i realise without knowing it, as strange as that sounds.

24. Do you like violent movies or dirty movies?
After working for a porn company, dirty has lost its magic for me unless there is erotic ambience and build up to the sexy scenes. Bizarrely enough, i have little or no libido. Its a challenge to get my blood racing these days, although the right visuals and rapport works well if i’m in the mood. Violence is passe, but as a man i’m meant to say violent. My favourite films are the one that pose the question what if, and deal with concepts. Good example is V Is For Vendetta.

25. Fall or spring?
Probably Autumn as its a beautifully sublime season thats transient from the intensity of summer and the biting chill of winter

26. Person you most wish you hadn’t made out with?
i don’t regret anything specifically, although many of those kisses have led to some serious heartbreak later on. Most probably my friend Jess, as we were drunk and it ended up with me cheating on the girl i was with. I’d wanted to kiss her for so long, but when it came down to it, if was nowhere near as satisying as i’d hoped it would be.

27. Would you fuck the person who posted this?
Adele? Not sure. She seems nice enough, but assuming she’d let me (which she probably wouldn’t), i’m not the type to casually contemplate that like i used to be able to. There are a lot girls i’d make love to at the flash of a hat though.

28. If you weren’t straight, what person of the same sex would you do it with?
God i don’t even want to go near contemplating that question, despite being quite comfortable with my own sexuality. The guys i wouild say are classically good looking are the typically stereotypical examples like George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt etc. God i feel queasy at the thought.

29. Where do you want to live when you are old and brittle?
On a small luxurious tropical island declared as my own independent country. I’d have a James Bond baddie-style mansion with massive communications infrastructure, complete with black chair and white cat. I’d like to swap between multiple houses in different places of beauty across the world. I’d make sure i had a nurse for the obligatory sponge bath and to annoy by pretending to be deaf.

30. Who is the person you can count on most?
Me. I don’t trust many people fully, and have varying levels of that trust for each person. If i’m upset, i know i can turn to Beth and Kerri. If i need to speak to someone who understands the turmoil i’ve been going through, i can turn to Shaun or Jase. The friends in my life are uniquely loyal and individual characters who have proved themselves to be reliable despite all their human failings.

31. If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?
Queen Elizabeth I for her strength, dignity and incredible legacy, or someone vacuous like Marilyn Monroe. Celebrities are like mannequins for me - its hard to find them attractive as they are just too perfect. What i find charming are the little idiosynchrasies and shortcomings, a bit like when a girl wakes up with crazy hair in the morning or when she walks out the shower.

33. What’s a word you would use to describe your life?
Supernatural. It would compete with the likes of: chaotic, predetermined, tumultuous, dramatic, driven, disruptive or lethal. My life is a bizarre cocktail of fantasy mixed with philosophy; of defiance and nervy insecurity; sometimes desolate and empty, and sometimes just plain ridiculous.

34. Favorite drinking game?
Can’t remember the name, but you construct a tower of drinks alternated by drink mats and roll the dice round the table. if you throw a six, you take a layer off the tower. My god i’ve never know anyone to survive it when you do it properly. I remember playing it, throwing up straight after downing a shot of rum and then throwing a six again to have to drink another layer straight away. I couldn’t move for days afterwards.

35. What did you dream last night?
I didn’t. Bizarrely enough i really don’t dream much, or if i do, i don’t remember what i dreamt. i find women’s preoccupation with dreams fascinating, from the way every one wishes you sweet dreams and if you you appear in theirs its a telepathy/spiritual thing.

36. If you found yourself in the THUNDERDOME who would you most likely fight?
No idea what that is, so can’t answer.

37. When was the last time you got laid?
That will remain a secret, but as i’ve already said i’m single, it was this year in February. I’m not suffering too much though thanks to the low libido.She was amazing, but there’s a very serious reason i can’t name her.

38. Would you like a free personality test?
No i fucking wouldn’t, as its a tool used by scientologists to enslave innocent, curious and vulnerable people into their disgusting little cult. I’m the world’s expert on me. i can see the value in having an external perspective though, despite my megalomania and despotic tendencies. Why would anyone need a test provided by someone else to know themselves?

39. Favorite sexual position?
Not answering that as my sis is reading, but lets just say i don’t do missionary unless its a variant of the coital alignment technique (CAT). If you haven’t heard of it, google it! Whatever the moment demands, although a lot of positions aren’t favourable to the woman, which kills the passion as the other person has to be experiencing the same pleasures you are fo rit to work. I’ve read the Karma Sutra several times, researched tantra and learnt about the practices of ancient civilisations, so i guess you could sayi have a wide range to choose from in my head.

40. If you were a midget, what kind would you be?
An angry one with a serious attitude problem, like the guy in jackass. I spent hours in meeting joking about my bizarre affection for dwarf porn. Makes me think about little people as garden gnomes and how amusing it is