WRATH.
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1. Who did you last get angry with?
I’m angry all day, every day. That question is more appropriately titled “which people did you…” as i have a daily list that grows and grows. My fuse gets shorter every day as i need to accomplish more and have less and less time for fucking around. But in terms of who the latest have been, my mum today (for not taking my advice on getting out the office and taking time to appreciate nature) and my sis last night, who fucked me off by being a selfish little shit and being late when i picked her up from the pub. Nads has also been the subject of some heat recently too.

2. What is your weapon of choice?
Hydrogen bomb. No seriously - gets the job done quickly and gets them all in one go. Why fuck around? Doesn’t leave any radiation, and nothing says fuck you quite like a nuke. For personal, i’d go for a gun as its clean quick and simple. Unless of course your aim is torture, in which case you use the pen, as it is more powerful than the sword.

3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
I absolutely, totally disagree with it 100%. But i have done it as a warning shot under the worst provocation. The incident in question saw me being screamed at and abuse for 9 hours non-stop, at which point i was being continually physically attacked and had to do something to make clear that any more would result in her getting seriously hurt. No i didn’t hurt her a lot - no punching or anything like that, in fact she didn’t get a single mark. I felt shit for a very long time, even though i just pushed her.

4. How about of the same sex?
Rarely, but i have many times in the past and never lost. I’m not the biggest chap in the world, but i am fucking psychotic when i’m pushed that far. If you want to see that, all you need to do is physically spill my blood, as i go weirdly stir crazy - like a haze i don’t remember. Strangest and most frightening thing is how calm i apparently am. Very few people get me to that stage, but i could name a few right now that i could murder with my bare hands and get a very nice night’s sleep straight afterwards.

5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
I actually can’t remember, although i suspect it was one of my family. Its hilarious how utterly bewildered they are by me - like i’m an alien from another planet speaking another language. I was probably an argumentative little shit who was lecturing someone from my moral pedestal at the time.

6. What is your pet peeve?
I have literally hundreds so i’ll try to summarise. People who are unnecessarily rude, offensive or impolite in a deliberately obnoxious way. People who have literally nothing to say for themselves or don’t bother to take 2 minutes to think about anything. Bad spelling, poor grammar and text message writing. People doing stupid things that they have already ascertained are stupid. Meaningless 9 to 5 work. White kids who think they are gangsters and chavs. Rascism, prejudice and stereotyping. Attention whores who want others to entertain them because they don’t have the capacity to resolve their own boredom. Clubbing, DJ worship and shit house parties.Venture capitalist and city finance people. Pretentious artsy people. Compulsive liars and delusional fools who lack any empathy or appreciation for the hard facts of reality. Mindless greed and veneration of money. Reality TV, pop music, junk food and celeb gossip magazines. Women thinking they understand men when 99% haven’t the faintest idea. Aggressive alpha males with no dignity or elegance. People who thinking reading is nerdy or that art can be judged. I could go on and on and on and on…..

7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
I’d love to say i let things go, but i’m guilty of being one of those people who just cut off from those who offend me. I’m trying to get better at it as i go along and forgive more, as no-one’s perfect. But its damned hard, especially when you are as impatient as moi. I could list so many people i hope never wake up tomorrow or who i could slit the throats of in glorious vengeance. Every part of me wants to get back at them, no matter how long its been - i remember everything, the smallest gestures and the most minor of sins.
SLOTH.
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1. What is one thing you’re supposed to do daily that you haven’t?
Call my accountant. In fact i never call my accountant, ever. I can think of a few things - check my bank balance, eat properly, take regular breaks, be more forgiving…although today has been difficult as fancying Emma is interfering with my life to the extent that the distraction is causing me to drop the ball, metaphorically speaking. But how i love my Licious and how she knows it.

2. What is the latest you’ve ever woken up?
I don’t think i’ve ever had a regular sleeping routine at all, which means i can go 4 days without sleep and be perfectly OK. Other times i’ve only gone to sleep late afternoon and woken up 3am fresh as a daisy. I’ve woken up late afternoon more times than i care to admit. But recently i’ve come to relax with the idea of sleeping in late, although most of my life i’ve been given the impression that the weekend is just another week day where i should be up at 8am to do yet more work. I’m happy with having the time to chill and wake up when i want.

3. Name a person you’ve been meaning to contact, but haven’t?
Mima (ex-gf), after seeing her on MySpace the other day, which my god was a hell of a shock. I have absolutely no idea how to go about it though, as she almost certainly will tell me to fuck off immediately. Sad really as i would love to just sit down and say hi, apologise for all the stupid shit i did as a teenager (including hurt her so incredibly badly), and also to say how happy i am she’s engaged and doing so well in life. I hope someday she’ll be able to forgive me, and perhaps more importantly that i’ll be able to forgive her.

4. What is the last lame excuse you made?
The lamest i ever told was to tell my tutor at college that i had a ‘curvature of the spine’ problem that prevented me turning up for yet another detention thing, which even i was impressed by. I’d been reading a Kurt Cobain biography the night before and needed to be creative as i was in the shit and out of excuses. In terms of recently, i try to be honest and not make excuses. But thinking back it was probably turning away a business lamer who asked me to help them despite them being clueless.

5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
Oh yes, simply as its part of the job. God i hate these hybrid words like “edutainment” and “advertorial”. Its business BS and totally meaningless to anyone other than those in the content and advertising industries. Infomercials are just adverts with some editorial thrown in to make it look less like an advert.

6. When was the last time you got in a good workout?
I’m ashamed to admit, but earlier in the year. Depends on what you mean by a workout though, as emotionally speaking these last few weeks have been insane to the point of unreality. A lot of people come home from work totally physically exhausted having done nothing more strenuous than sit in front of a monitor all day. I always find the punching the shit of something helps immensely, which probably explains why i’ve been so uptight lately.

7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
None, as i forgot to set the fucker. My sleeping rhythm is incredibly adaptable though, which causes most of my sleep problems. Wake at 6am one day, and it’ll be the same time the next day too. I’ve actually become so immune that i can half-sleep through any noise or beeping. I used to have it on so loud the neighbours complained when i just left it to ring as i dozed. Surprised these didin’t call environment health or get me ASBO’d when i think about it.
GLUTTONY.
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1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
You can mention so many, but one that sticks out is Frappuccino. Does it get more pretentious than that? Why do people drink those fucking things? If you want a milkshake, got to McDonalds for goodness sake. Coffee is coffee-flavoured and has milk and sugar added to it. Starbucks is like a kiddie paradise for artsy office types with little else to do than talk about their latest pair of shoes or whats in Heat magazine that week.

2. Meat eaters:
are kindred spirits of mine who appreciate the raw taste of an animal fresh off the fire.

3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you’ve had in one sitting/outing/event?
I’ve never calculated it, but i’ve had my stomach pumped more than once and had alcohol poisoning more times than i care to admit. I’m not a big drinker at heart really, although a few years in Africa living the expat life and you learm to consume en masse, all day long. Some days you can drink bottles of spirits, some days half a beer will get you. For me its tequila - one shot of that regardless of how much i’ve drunk and i’m anyones.

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?
Can’t say i have, but i’m intrigued to know how they feel about taking money from people desperate enough to pay them.

5. Do you have an issue with your weight?
Never used to, but i do now. I’ve also been so very skinny, mainly due to having an overactive thyroid and taking far too many drugs. But as the years have gone on and my metablism has slowed, i’ve had to take better care of myself. Stopping smoking and being on medication that causes sugar craving as a side-effect really has punished me in the hips, but i’m slowly getting back to a size i’m comfortable with. I’m an endomorph, which despite having a relatively athletic physique means i both put on and lose weight quickly.

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?
Sweets, definitely. I have to be in the mood for the others, whereas i can always do sugary stuff. Give me Cadburys Chocolate Animals, Chocolate Fingers or the like and i’m all over the place. You could make me do anything holding those above my head. Spicy tends to equal stinky, and anyone who likes salty food needs to be shot as far as i am concerned. Beef jerky fans, you have been warned. That means you.

7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought “lunch”?
Oh yes I killed several animals in Africa, including the pet goats we kept for months that we ate because we didn’t know what else to do with them. I’d love to see how long a vegan would last in the wild when they are hungry and haven’t eaten in days, as that lovely cutesy animal would look very tasty indeed. I eat my nephew’s cuddly toys to make him laugh, so does that count? Otherwise, i’m infamous for saying i will eat the cute animals and children.
LUST.
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1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family):
More than i could count to be honest, as i’m quite the fiend. I’d imagine its more than 40 but less than 60, all of which were entirely consensual and totally private to me and them at the time. And no, i won’t kiss and tell either, as its an intimate thing and all of them trusted me.

2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family):
Very, very few, as i have a complex about it thats been there since childhood which is all about shame and god knows what else. I was brought up to think sex, nakedness or intimacy is wrong and that intimacy is painful thing that leads to betrayal and cold separation. Understandly it takes a very long time for me to get anywhere near sharing that with anyone at all. But of course i’ve done the male thing of dancing around behind a towel after coming out the shower, just to make the other person laugh.

3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?
Oh yeah, all the time. Probably just to double check they aren’t a shemale or pre-op transexual. Not a lot to look at with the ladies though, although of course noticing a blatant “camel toe” does wonders for a dull business meeting. I dare anyone to name one guy who hasn’t been transfixed by a woman’s chest when talking to her. But as it happens conversations with me are usually so intense that you can’t notice anything, let alone body parts.

4. Have you “done it”?
What? Had sex? No i’m a virgin. Of course i’ve fucking done it. In fact i reckon i’ve indulged in almost every sexual deviance save gayness, animals and toilet functions. How many people? Not telling. Primarily as i’ve seriously never counted and never will. I’ve had my fair share though, which isn’t bad considering i’m not really a Brad Pitt type. Its all in the mind they say.

5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Now you’ll be expecting me to say eyes, boobs or legs. I have several, as its all about how the package fits together. I’m a sucker for dark features, so devilish eyebrows, long eyelashes, full lips, latino/arabic/italian style, C+ cup boobs, curves and hip/bum swing. Its all in how you wear it though, as someone who isn’t necessarily physically perfect can be so incredibly hot just by giving a look or having the sexiest attitude. Emma is definitely my type, as you can imagine - she’s a great reference point. Northern though, which is difficult.

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Many, many times. Every day in Africa for the tiniest amount of money. Trouble is that the money buys you AIDS, even if some of them have become immune through evolution (which is fascinating in itself). Spend a few days comingback through Kings Cross at night and you can’t help but run into them. When i lived in Stratford they used to hang around at the end of the road asking if i did business (i.e. wanted it long time 10 dollar). But these weren’t attractive escorts, we’re talking filthy, boney, sore-ridden crackheads.

7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?
Once. I had an interesting, but very violent sexual experience with a German girl which left me unable to walk for a few days. Felt like my waterworks were laced with razor blades which was agonising. Cranberry juice didn’t help, so i had to have some matron type at the local GNU clinic shove a pipe cleaner up the old chap, which made me screech like a girl. Don’t believe anyone when they tell you it doesn’t hurt. Its about bad as it gets.

GREED.
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1. How many credit cards do you own?
None whatsoever. They are a total, utter rip off. Even the head of Barclaycard doesn’t have one as he says they are too expensive. Its an utter con, and designed to make money from vulnerable people by spinning them dreams. See it for what it is as soon as you can. Its a cynical loan at extortionate rates, pure and simple. The longer you leave the outstanding amounts and fool yourself into thinking you’ll pay it off later, the more money they make and the more trouble you get into. Its a disgraceful industry.

2. What’s your guilty pleasure store?
Sound Control in Tottenham Court Road. Full of guitars, amps and musical indulgences that i could spend many millions of pounds on in only a few hours. I have a very conservative and practical approach to money that means i can’t buy anything as an indulgence with a concrete reason behind it.

3. If you had $10 million, what would you do with it?
That;s £5 million in UK currency, which probably wouldn’t buy you a London house. Well if you were a lottery winner or moron chav, the answer would be get excited and spend it as wildly as you could, as soon as you could. And there would be many, mnay new instant friends that would be full of suggestions to help you do it. Acquiring wealth is easy, keeping it isn’t. The serious answer is to take a breath, find out about tax and spend 6 months working out a plan. Allocate a slush fund for fun and practical necessities (house, bills, biz startup costs etc), and then work out a way to double the rest. It takes money to make money, so invest it cleverly in a spread of short and long-term investments that would allow you to cash out at specific points over the next 20 years and enjoy it as you went along.

4. Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Rich. You can buy fame if you need to. Money’s not everything, but it brings responsibility and a degree of security which is useful though. Fame is the price of success, as Mark Knofler of Dire Straits famously said. Fame is fools gold , as its transient and unpredictable, and doesn’t guarantee money. Serial killers are famous, as are bimbo slags like Paris Hilton, so it would depend again on what you were famous for.

5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
Never in a million years. The thought of working 9 to 5 or for a boss again makes me physically sick, as it does all the entrepreneurs and rich folks i know. Most men live lives of quiet desperation that they suffer through just to pay the bills and fit in somehow. What is the point of working if you don’t enjoy it? Why do something you like in your spare time and something you hate in the week? My soul is worth more and i’m too weak to be able to suffer it.

6. Have you ever stolen anything?
Lets just say that i, like everyone, have an amoral streak running through the middle of me that means i have the capacity to be extremely evil or cold if the situation necessitates it. Yes i have stolen, out of desperation and for my own gratification. I’m not proud of it, and as it stands today i rate theft as more despicable than other crimes, particularly if the person you are stealing from is less well off than you. Stealing from corporations, well that is another matter, but Robin Hood is a hero for a reason. Its about context.

7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
Before i lost my portable drive, i had around 37,000 or so. But now as i have limited space on my laptop i have around 8000. What hilarious is that a lot of my clients are record labels, and i happily flaunt it in the name of understanding the new wave of media on-demand. And i paid for about 2% of them, as those selected items were ripped from CDs from the old days. I will never buy again or give to the RIAA as long as i live. The cartel that controls art needs to be destroyed and rebuilt for the people.

PRIDE.
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1. What’s one thing you have done that you’re most proud of?
Sticking it out, business wise. I’ve hung on and pursued my vision regardless of the obstacles and risen to become one of the most respected people in my industry. It takes faith, belief, will, confidence and bloodymindness, none of which i have but somehow managed to get through all of this. I’m now head of the jedi and a mentor to many people, but more than anything a testament that you can do anything as long as you believe you can. Nothing is impossible.

2. Whats one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of?
Survive past 17. I don’t think i’ve ever done anything my parents have been proud of me for really, although my mum always tells me she’s proud of what i’ve achieved. They spent the best part of twenty-something years trying to get rid of me and tolerating my madness. Maybe when all this is further down the line they’ll be able to see what went on, but for now i just don’t think they truly understand exactly what i’m doing at they can’t relate to it.

3. What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
Wow we could be here for a while. I want to do an amazing thing every year until i kick the bucket, and formalise it into a well known thing like the -something amazing- organisation. Visit the capital city of every country and go to the 1000 greatest places on planet earth. Democratise media and build my venture into a multi-billion dollar international business. End homelessness in one city. Teach kids their GCSEs with Playstation/XBox games. Publicly berate China and Saudi Arabia for their human rights violations. Read all the religious texts in the world and visit their holy places. Tell the girl i love that i’m madly, hopelessly in love with her in public. Hold high political office. Start my Change The World foundation. See the planet from above. Have a huge family and be a great dad. Write several books. Forgive all the people who wronged me. Buy and create a whole portfolio of companies. Own a safari ranch in Africa for young and abandoned animals. Have a biography written about me. Write one brilliant album. Open a series of themed restaurants. Mentor a thousand people. Be known as a generous caring friend but a terrifying enemy. Should i carry on? £10 says i do it all before i’m 50.

4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
Totally depends on what i’m competing in and how much effort i’ve put in. Who doesn’t get disappointed when they don’t win? Some says its about choosing the right race to run in. I’m not really a competitive machismo kind of guy, more like an arrogant smartass with a superiority complex who doesn’t bother as he knows he could beat the rest hands down. Sad i know, but so very true.

5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
Several times, and it was most satisfying in every case. Again its about the choice of race, and you pick the ones you know you can win and back the winning horse once you know who it will be. That’s actually political discourse more than anything. It might be bad form or unfair to take part knowing you’d kick everyone’s ass, but then again its the risk they take when they enter that there might be someone else who is way out in front. So yes, i would, and i have.

6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
See now we’re back to that amoral streak. I’m a total Machiavellian, in that i believe the end justifies the means. Teachers like to bring kids up in some idealistic world where you only cheat yourself etc etc. Well unfortunately the world doesn’t work like that, and i really wonder why we actively retard kids in that way. I remember that during our GCSEs we would program answers into calculators as the teachers had no idea how to use them, and write answers under our socks on our ankles so we could pull our legs up for the info, and also because everyone was too busy checking arms and pockets that they forgot anywhere else.

7. What did you do today that you’re proud of?
Listen to MJ tell me i was amazing for seeing through her bitch face and sticking with her because i believe in who she is. Other than that, see Warner Bros and Universal NBC happily take meetings with me, as they don’t have them with anyone normally. I’m overrated really. A great question that we all need to ask ourselves more though i think, as it forces you to re-check, and remind yourself that doing something to be proud of is not a bad thing to aim for every day.

ENVY.
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1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
Emma. Not sure that its an envy thing, but its one person i want badly. I don’t actually envy many people really as i see both sides of what they have. Everything has its price. Those with money have security, but it comes with paranoia. Those with looks face the process of ageing. Fame comes with obscurity and short shelf-life. I envy people who can be openly affectionate and smile freely, as i’m unable to do either. I wish i was a lot more courageous than i am, and that i had a much greater strength of character to stand up for the things i believe in.

2. Who would you want to go on “Trading Spaces” with?
Ok so i googled this and its an american show on TLC about home makeovers (based on the BBC Changing Rooms), so i’ll assume the question is whose home i’d like to redecorate. Thats a tricky one as interior design really isn’t my forte, and thats an understatement. The will is there, but the talent and/or eye isn’t at all. I have to say that unusally for me, i have no idea.

3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
Forever or for just a day? Maybe Rupert Murdoch or Bill Gates. In fact, no i’d be Robert Mugabe, and then go on television and apologise publicly for all the hell i’ve created. Or i’d be the US president and take 10% of the US defence budget and do what Bill Hicks suggested, which is to feed and clothe every child in the world for a day, not one child excluded. I could also be the Pope and root out every single paedophile in the Catholic church for all the world to see.

4. Have you ever been cheated on?
Not to my knowledge in the truest technical sense, but i’ve felt very betrayed. One particular incident springs to mind, where an ex of mine slept with the girl i really couldn’t stand on my birthday of all days. If anyone has, i’ve never known about it, and if i did it would mean that i would never, ever speak to them again. I’m extreme like that, but to me cheating is an extremely awful and unnecessary thing to do that only makes the cheater themselves suffer. Strange that its worse for a girl if their boyfriend falls in love with someone else, but its worse for a guy if his girlfriend sleeps with someone else.

5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Definitely. Hasn’t everyone? I could name a million things about me i’d trade in for something more attractive - mental and physical. But then again thats another thing nobody actively teaches you in school, that everyone has a different taste. That differing taste means you will never be significantly attractive to any more than 25% of the people you meet. For some reason we’re brought up with the idea that you have to be universally attractive to everyone to be attractive at all. But thats the numbers game that governs everything in life.

6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
The ability to let go and be themselves. I’m a self-concious and self-aware guy, which is great but it has its drawbacks. I’m also emotionally retarded, untrusting, judgemental and flippant. I wish i could be more natural, but sometimes i’m painfully awkward and forced because i not brave enough to let anyone in or trusting enough to be vulnerable with anyone, even if they care about me. Its hard for me to let things go too, as i internalise everything and take the world on my shoulders. I wish i could stop and appreciate what i have, and truly value it. How i’d love to be brave enough to make the first move instead of pushing the girl away and playing it all down even when i know she likes me. I wish i could take my foot off the accelerator and be here now.

7. Do you wish you’d come up with this survey?
Actually i do, as it a genuinely interesting spin and cool theme, even if it has been lengthy. I think i might write my own.

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Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?
Well i believe the 7 deadly sins are actually the 7 universal pillars of what we call human nature, the dark side of the human condition. Probably lust. The worst would be sloth.