You can’t take MySpace bulletins seriously. Not a day goes past without a barrage of moronic posts about Tom deleting accounts, silly love stories, desperate attention-seeking girls begging people to cheer them up by leaving picture comments, and of course the classic “post this and you wil have good luck” gems that give you a good chuckle when you consider what a tard the person who posted it is.So today was no exception, but one post caught my eye. Entitled “All guys read this now!!!”, the girl who posted it is very pretty and seems like a cool person. But personal criticism aside, you know when you open it, its going to be one of those asinine little things women pass around over email about how guys should treat them. More interestingly, it shows how they believe guys should behave, and is usually utterly delusional and rarely reciprocated.

The female mind genuinely fascinates me - i’ve read more books on it than anyone i know. I’m still not even close to getting it because, as a chap, i’m just not wired the same. But what fascinates me more is exactly why girls believe this stuff without even questioning it. To the untrained eye it might seem very negative or cynical, but more than anything its just frustrating as we get criticised for something thats entirely unrealistic and a product of a daydreamy mind.

So i thought i’d run through it piece by piece and give the man’s side. Then, i answered the questions as a man. Hopefully it might give some insight about why you feel so disappointed.

When I cry,
ALWAYS comfort me.
Unless a) i’m the one who’s upset you, and am turning on the waterworks to make you feel guilty, or b) i’ve fucked up all of my own accord, and deserve to suffer for it, or c) its the guy’s fault, in which case the tears will be short-lived before i move onto how to punish you.

When you see me,
come up behind me and give me a HUGE cuddle.
Like all good stalkers. Naturally your mood is always cheerful, so we can expect a universally positive response every time. We’d probably get arrested - very romantic.

When I run away from you,
follow me.
No. Because you’re doing it for attention and making a big drama out of it thats very sad.

When I pout my lips,
kiss me.
If its an amusing pout, of course. Otherwise you look like an attention-seeking, pretentious twat who thinks far too much of themselves.

When I kick,
hug me tight.
Exactly what we want to do after being kicked - the rush of emotion that accompanies a wave of pain just makes me want to hug you.

When I call u crazy,
I’m crazy about you.
Or you just don’t quite “get it” or can’t figure out an amusing retort.

When I am silent,
I’m thinkin of how 2 say I love you.
Or more likely you’re making it very clear how pissed off you are.

When I ignore you,
I want all of your attention.
Or more likely you’re making it very clear how pissed off you are, or playing yet another silly attention game.

When I pull away,
grab me by the waist and tell me you’ll never let me go.
At which point you’ll think you have us round your finger, won’t believe it for 2 seconds and think the girl who just walked by in the sexy miniskirt didn’t raise our blood pressure. When you do, you’ll be jealous and psychotic.

When you see me in my sweats,
tell me I’m beautiful.
You’re beautiful in whatever you wear. Just don’t get fat or have shrinking boobs.

When I scream at you,
whisper “I love you” in my ear.
Not in a million, million years. Scream at us, and you get screamed at back or ignored. Big girls communicate properly like adults.

When you see me walking,
sneak up behind me and rest my head on your shoulder.
and hope you don’t look round at a particular moment, and smack your face into ours, or that you’re being attacked by a stalker.

If I don’t call you,
I’m waiting by the phone for your call.
But i’ll try as hard as i can to make sure you know how very busy i am and how little you mean to me regardless. You’re not getting a call as we’re actually genuinely busy.

When I’m scared,
hold me by the waist.
Ok that’s cool, but make sure you tell us that its our manly masculinity thats made you feel safe.

When I look like something’s the matter,
kiss me and say everything will be alright.
unless of course you’ve caused it all yourself and you really need to feel how bad it is so you don’t do it again. Try fucking telling us instead of hinting, and getting upset that we weren’t telepathic.

While I hold your hands,
play with my fingers.
Don’t be fucking stupid.

When I play with my clothes,
play with me.
If you need help removing them, then count us in. Otherwise, play the clothes game with a girl friend. We don’t give a shit about clothes.

When I’m being myself and laugh heaps,
i want you to stay forever
Well behave like an adult and we might, depending on how annoying you are and who else comes along. You could also be drunk and/or hysterical.

When I give you a compliment,
give me one back.
If we hadn’t given you 500 before that, you might have got one. But as you were too busy playing games and hinting, no compliment for you. As soon as do you’ll think we’re under the thumb.

When I say thank you,
I always mean it.
Unless i say it sarcastically, am lying my arse off or am being polite. Do something, rather than say it, and we know you mean it.

When I always invite you over,
Always Come.
Unless we have something else planned, as we have lives that aren’t spent thinking of girls, and you’re a part of them, rather than the whole thing.

When I say I Love You,
Say it back, But mean it.
Like you do every time, as we all know when women say things they are for an eternity, not just for that moment, that day or that month. If you genuinely meant it as a permanent statement (unlikely) then we’d tell you the same.
And in return, i give you the man version.

When I cry,
Its very, very serious. Never tell anyone.

When you see me,
flutter your eyelashes, smile and tell me how gorgeous you think i am. Spin me a cool line and and make me laugh.

When I run away from you,
leave me the fuck alone and go do something else. Run after me and you’ll get shouted at and told to stop being so fucking clingy.

When I pout my lips,
tell me my gay impression is funny, but masculine suits me much better.

When I kick,
get the fuck out the way as i’m really pissed off.

When I call u crazy,
get medical help as you are, or calm down because you’re embarassing me.

When I am silent,
i’m thinking.

When I ignore you,
you’ve been a twat.

When I pull away,
i’m trying to do something else, so let me do it and wait for me to come back.

When you see me in my sweats,
tell me i look hot, but you love me even if i do stink and need a shower

When I scream at you,
you’ve made me very, very angry, so shut the fuck up and take in every word. Say sorry, and then leave me to calm down and come back to talk to you more gently.

When you see me walking,
come walk with me and distract me from what i’m doing. Annoy me by being girly.

If I don’t call you,
i’m busy, but i’ll call you when i get a chance. Don’t pester me.

When I’m scared,
Don’t point it out, and never tell anyone. Treat it as very unusual and unlikely because i’m very brave the rest of the time.

When I look like something’s the matter,
it probably is. Give me space to work it out in my own head, and let me know that you know i’ll work it out, but that you also care and will help if i ask you.

While I hold your hands,
i’m being soppy. Never tell anyone.

When I play with my clothes,
i’m trying to work out what i will look best in. Tell me what makes me look shit hot.

When I’m being myself and laugh heaps,
laugh with me.

When I give you a compliment,
for god’s sake take it and don’t brush it off as nothing or play it down like you don’t deserve it. Act girly and embarassed.

When I say thank you,
remember it as i’m being grateful, so don’t bring it up in an argument or resent me later.

When I always invite you over,
put on some very kinky underwear and look gorgeous when you’re in my doorway. (Em: make a note here)

When I say I Love You,
I mean it as a big thing for many years ahead, not because its my mood or how i felt that week.