Archive for August, 2006

31
Aug

The Light In My Eyes

All I can say about your demo is wow you are seriously setting a massive precedent! I can only say one thing, I am so happy to know, that a world-changing idea has been thought up by one of the good guys.

This was Nads’ response when she saw the most basic of our demos. We get that reaction a lot. Yesterday I showed one of our commercial partners and her only response was “oh my god“. She took a while to take the whole thing in, as people generally have to do. My sis believes what were doing is beyond human understanding, and shes right. Only I cant fully comprehend what were building will turn into. Im probably on some messianic rant here but if so many people respond the way they have done, we must be onto something.

There is a world on its way that will change everything. We’ve been lucky enough to see it and ride in on its wave. The reason we give for everyone in meetings to work with us is that its coming. Nothing else. Just that. Were building the supercharger that that future needs to happen. Were riding that wave rather than creating it in some ways. Many people think were totally insane, and the rest sit down in sheer admiration for the size of our balls. Were not in this to start a chip shop, were in it to change the course of human history. Nothing else will do.
You will never meet anyone in your life who will say the same. Its the reason we will succeed in doing it, and the reason the world will listen. Its the reason our guys have already been asked to keep memoirs and the production company were working with for our trials wants to make a documentary about it.

When I started out on this road, I had no idea what it would lead to. Ive been doing this for so long now that Ive almost forgotten what happened before it came along. Ive sacrificed everything I have for it, because I know what it is and what it will do. Its a huge risk, but one I wouldnt take unless I knew we could pull it off. Ive lost most of my life, had nervous breakdowns and been driven to the brink so many times that Ive lost count. One day it will seem hopeless, the next like were rocketing through the clouds.

We originally planned something else, but it got adapted and modified as we go along. This is usually an entrepreneurial trap as people tend to pick and claw at your ideas that they are ground down so much that they end up unrecognisable compared to what you started with. But with us it was a gradual realisation that we had something more. Something groundbreaking, something history-changing. It took a while for my stubborn head to accept it, but when I did, things started to fall into place. It gave me purpose, and it gave me a mission.

When I give a speech, I tend to allude to our project at the end. Ive told thousands of people that what we will be bringing into the light soon will be nothing short of a nuclear bomb. Were undertaking the most ambitious and ground-shaking venture ever attempted in the media industry. Think of the birth of the internet, then times that by 100, and you’re nearly there. Every CEO is in love with their company and product and will say what they have is world-changing. Usually its not. In our case, it’s true. And I can say that as Im not in love with the product, I’m in total awe of it.

To be frank it scares the shit out of me. I don’t have the facilities to control, manage or wield the kind of power it will entail. Imagine owning the internet. Then times it be 500. You’re nearly there. Im not strong enough for that on my own.

But this is steam-rollering ahead whether I like it or not, and it’s my burden to carry. That makes me sound like Frodo in LOTR, which is slightly absurd. But this is the mission and purpose I was given, and I made the choice to carry and undertake it. Having an idea is easy, in fact it happens millions of times a day to billions of people. But executing, delivering and bringing an idea to fruition is a totally different thing. Its damned hard. Armchair critics resting on a pub bar don’t quite get that, and as soon as they actually have to deliver what they’re talking about, they shut up quite quickly.

People often ask why its taking so long. They’ve seen me bashing away for a few years and scratch their heads in bewilderment. So many false starts, dead ends, circles to travel in and new dawns that never quite rose. But that persistence has paid dividends. Most people now are more impressed with my resilience against all the odds than the actual plan. I needed those years to learn the rope, develop a ruthless streak and be the person I am now, so I could carry out the task in hand.

The best metaphor I have for the journey is that its like straining away pushing a massive rock. You burst blood vessels pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing, but it only seems like you’re moving a millimetre at a time. But when people walk by, or when you stop for a breather, you realise the boulder has moved a few metres, and people are amazed at what youve done. The timing has to be right. We have to arrive when the world is ready. Homechoice learnt that lesson the hard way. If the world isnt ready, there are no customers or suppliers. All there is a bunch of clever guys with some paperwork, and an angry bank manager.

Its easy to forget the cosy life we have in the west. What we enjoy as luxuries can be transformative technology for lesser developed countries. What we are doing will affect the whole planet, not just the UK. Were building the communications system for the next 50 years. A lot of the projects that are going on here are superficial and easily discarded. In India, IPTV is being used to turn the country into the next super-power. In 20 years, 1 billion people will be university educated in that country, and emerge from rags to be some of the wealthiest in their region thanks to the governments education program.

And that leads us to imagine what our venture empowers people to do. India is just a small slice of the overall picture. 1 out of 200 to be exact. We will address all 200 in one go. It will take 5-10 years for us to pick up the speed we need to reach, but by then it will be unstoppable. There will be nothing we can do to control what we have created. When I am 35, my nephew will be living in a different world and approaching his teens. The most conservative estimates by the finance people weve spoken with are that the business will turn over billions of dollars. I wont be able to control it.

But its not about the money. It’s about the mission. It’s about doing something the world has never seen and will most likely not see again for a very long time. When were in it, it’ll take a while and seem like forever. But in the grand context, its happening in the blink of an eye. Looking back in the rear view mirror always gives you a frighteningly different perspective to the one you have when you’re in the midst of the storm. But as that storm gathers, you have to remember where youre heading to and not lose sight of your direction. If you do, your ship sinks. And theres no shortage of ship graveyards that you pass by.

Ive learned a lot of lessons in a very short time. I learned that age is irrelevant as long as youre not clueless, and if you let your ruthlessness shine through. Its a lonely path, and the more you successful you get, the lonelier you become as you filter out of a very large cereal box. Change is hard. Sticking with it is hard. Having faith is damned near impossible some days. But there is nothing quite like being in control of your own destiny and the thrill of being ahead of the pack and actually making a difference in both your own corner of the world but in others too. The smallest things change everything. Who you are, what you say and most importantly, what you do, influence and affect other people which starts a chain reaction that grows beyond you.

You can go anywhere without seeing vacuous would-be people quoting the reach-for the-moon-as-you’ll-land-amongst-the-stars quote, which is starting to piss me off. I can count the true risk takers on one hand. The vast majority of these semi-humans with good intentions live vicariously through the adventures of others. The more appropriate saying is that success has many fathers, but failure is an orphan. Everyone latches onto things that work and claims it as their own. Nothing sets the world alight like someone on fire, ready to blast their way through my all means necessary. Treat these well-meaning people with extreme suspicion, as the chances are they are in a pointless middle-management job and the nearest thing they’ve come to revving up the engine is changing their normal tipple in the pub.

We have one life. Its almost over right now. Were on a countdown. Every day we live and don’t do what we have to is another day away from what could be the most important thing in our meagre lives. Right now you could be putting off the most important decision you have ever taken.

I remember when I took mine. It was a gradual process where I slowly agreed to where my life was taking me. It was more of an acceptance than anything else, as I did’nt wake up one morning and decide to do everything I have done. I simply took the time to think about how I wanted to be. Simple, but powerful, as Nads rightly points out. I didnt need any of things you think Id need, like massive confidence, self-assurance, security, freedom from debt, to be in the right place at the right time, or have some random luck. I just decided who I wanted to be. And now Im becoming that person and a lot more on the way by learning from those around me whove been there before i have. Its not hard, its just that you have to rub the fog out of your glasses to see.

If you decide you dont want a meaningless management job or some kind of serf professional where you gratify the needs of others for a slim pay cheque every week, you have to go it alone. A time will come when you have to make that decision, but you need to plan for it now as life wont conform to your plans. The clock is ticking. You made decisions in your teens about when you expected things to happen and where you thought you’d be, but you were wrong, like everyone else was. If you leave it now, youll be late again and will be left wondering why none of it ever happened. You have to do it right now or you never will.

And the payoff is amazing. It feels fucking great. The problems you traded will give way to new ones, but you’re alive. Youre moving. You’ve done it, and done what few others have. You have control, and you’re in charge. The lows may be lower, but the highs are much higher. If you want to get out of the coma, you need to get out of yourself.

But there are many warnings here, and one of the biggest is about money and motives. I don’t give a fuck about money. Sometimes I have a lot of it, sometimes I have none. I’m surrounded by people obsessed with it every day and I do my best to push as many them out into the cold as I possibly can. It does funny things to people and becomes an obsession in itself. Ivory towers and piles of gold may be very enjoyable for some, but they are a millstone around the neck of most.

We all know that were going to make a lot of money. Weve seen the figures. But the people around me all want the same thing. To be there in the midst of it to feel the rush. To build something and be part of something. To make history. Thats something no amount of money can buy, even when everything has a price. I could be the richest in the land and I would still be a fucking mess. Id still be as eccentric and neurotic. But if I didnt have purpose I’d die a slow death, like so many other people do. The good news is that you have one. You just need to allocate the time and energy to find out what it is.

Bill Gates didnt become the worlds richest man by wanting money. He stayed a software engineer for decades because of his passion for it. The most paranoid and obnoxious power-brokers in the world are the scrooges who count every penny at night. Dont get me wrong, as you have to be responsible, but our duty is to something greater than coins, paper and electronic figures. All that will come as a result of doing what you love. Its a nice by-product and it brings a certain degree of security, but in itself it is a dreadful and terrible master that runs away from you the more you chase it.

So all that looms for us now is the day we unleash the wild animal thats stirring in its cage. Every day that goes by we get stronger; every ounce of disbelief or scepticism gets swallowed whole and fattens us up ready to devour the next opponent. Were coming, and we wont be stopped. If you stand in the way, we will deal with you ruthlessly, as one unfortunate product manager found out today. We have no room for passengers, scroungers, cynics or those whose intention is to drain us. There is nothing you can against that kind of will. Its not about confidence, its about the sheer force that powers you forward against all comers and odds.

Theres a lot to be said about being fearless. Fear is the enemy and opposite of love, and fear kills. Some fear is essential and safeguards us from harm, but the rest is a grey noxious fog that surrounds and disables us. Its purpose is to stop us all. It doesnt discriminate and shows no mercy, and because of that must be shown no mercy in return. It is a parasite that steals and destroys, feeding off the good parts of who we are and leaving us diseased and overcome. Perfect love casteth out fear. Fear is a choice and is exorcised by reason and courage. We are more than maths and chemistry, and fear flees in the face of those who dare to oppose it.

And like I said to my chronically indifferent semi-father this morning, that last inch you couldnt take from me has grown into a monster. One thats an uncontrollable and unstoppable force of righteous rage about to smash down your door and change everything youve ever known. And Ill be smiling whilst you burn.

28
Aug

The Horror Of Romance

So 2 blogs in one night. Not bad going. I’m sitting here watching my old school friend Rob Simpson “aka Rufus Hound) on BBC Three talking about a lot of very shit, spineless and pretentious bands at the Reading Festival. Another old friend sent me this very enjoyable column from The Guardian.

Enjoy.

——-

Hands up anyone who’s had a great experience with romance. Now put your hands back down and stop lying. Romance never works. Romance never does what it says on the tin. Romance, ultimately, is bullshit.

If I sound jaded, it’s because I am. I’m so sick and tired of love and its pitfalls I can scarcely lift my fingers to type. If love were a product, the queue at the faulty goods desk would stretch right round the universe and back. It doesn’t work properly. The seams come apart and it’s full of powdered glass.

Article continues
Each fresh romance has two potential outcomes: 1. One of you falls heavily, and quickly, until this helpless, unattractive neediness sends the other running for the hills; or 2. by some miracle, your desperate neediness levels balance out, and you stay together for several years - until the love between you withers and dies, at which point one or both of you will stagger away, howling like a wolf with a hook in its gut, wounded beyond reason.

When you’re smitten, romance is a thrilling high-wire act over a looming lake of woe. Your head’s full of music; the first few steps are a joyful scamper. Then the skies darken, the breeze picks up, the tightrope shudders and you fight to retain your balance. In your heart of hearts, you know you’re heading for a tumble, but you’re out and exposed and there’s no turning back - and who knows, maybe you’ll make it?

Imbecile. Of course you won’t. Instead, the rope snaps and suddenly you’re plunged back into the monochrome work-a-day reality of flowers in the dustbin and dogs being sick on the pavement.

At this point, wandering in a post-romantic shock, things get even worse. Being numb and distant somehow renders you magically attractive to others. It’s sod’s law in action, and before you know it you’re abusing the privilege. Hungering for another go on the tightrope, you hurl yourself at the nearest admirer, but since the love canary’s recently flown your cage, you’re selfish, robotic, and doomed to wipe your arse all over their soul. Congratulations: you’ve become an emotional vandal. And you’ll do it again and again until you meet another special someone - only this time the tightrope’s higher up and more precarious, and you’re so scared of falling that your feet shake the moment you step aboard.

On and on and on it goes, and there’s no end to it. This madness must be stopped. We can medicate depression into oblivion; why not romance? A preventative tablet, perhaps, or an adhesive patch that suppresses the relevant endorphins, which you can slap on your skin at the first sign of attraction, killing romance dead, stopping you in your tracks before you make a fool of yourself or a hapless Aunt Sally of another. And sizzled on the back of every packet, embossed on every patch, just to keep things melancholic and swoonsome, you’d find the last line from Graham Greene’s The End of the Affair - the battered protagonist’s final plea, which sums up the absolute aching awfulness of romance so eloquently it makes your heart nod along with tears in its eyes: “O God, You’ve done enough, You’ve robbed me of enough, I’m too tired and old to learn to love, leave me alone for ever.”

Anyway. Next week: some jokes.

From:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,,1857939,00.html

28
Aug

Reach Out And Sneer

This is so good i just had to post it. If you understand the nature of American politics, this will amuse you :)

An open letter to the Red-State victors:

With hard work and superb organization, you have triumphed over John Kerry and the forces of Blue-state paternalism. Congratulations. The multinational corporations that hold you in bondage remain free to profit off your sweat nearly tax free, while their overpaid senior execs continue to pay a pittance in personal income tax.

Your primary and secondary schools will continue to turn out third-rate pupils with limited opportunities, while you enjoy the satisfaction of making it on your own without health care when a catastrophic illness bankrupts your family.

Your agricultural universities will continue issuing Ph.D.s in football, and bogus Protestant Evangelical and Fundamentalist theology, and how to jerk off a bull safely. Your children will learn to borrow enough money to erect chicken houses so that they, like you, can take custody — not possession, but custody — of Tyson’s chicks, feed them, rear them, assume losses from those that fail to thrive, and in the end earn just enough money to service their endless debt, and realize a profit of perhaps $12K a year. Your bank thanks you; Tyson thanks you; George W. Bush thanks you; and I thank you.

You can continue sending your sons to die in Iraq on a fool’s errand. When you bury them, you can console yourselves with Bush’s platitudes about their heroic mission to defend America from weapons of mass destruction.

You can savor the deficit spending that stimulates commerce today, but will cripple the US economy in ten or fifteen years’ time when the bills come due with interest. Perhaps a Democrat will be in office at that time, who can be blamed for W’s delayed economic fiasco.

You can continue believing, as Republican Party brainwashing has persuaded you, that we, your neighbors, are your enemies. You can believe that we have no morals; that we pimp out our teenage daughters for Internet porn; that we eat babies; that we are all gay; that we are cowards on the battlefield; and that we want to run your lives and give you AIDS.

Here’s a clue: we are not your enemies; we are your countrymen. Your enemies are the greedy multinationals that the Republican Party bends over backwards to accommodate. Incidentally, most of them are based in Blue states, as are their Republican owners and major shareholders.

Here in the Blue States, Democrats and Republicans alike generate the lion’s share of America’s wealth, although it is you Reds who provide the lion’s share of the stoop labor. You are our Mexicans, so to speak. We could not have accomplished the economic miracle that is America without your willing capitulation to a system that lies to you and fucks you over at every turn.

Look at economic output and educational achievement on a state-by-state basis: it’s painfully evident that we Blues are immensely more productive and better educated than you Reds. We have lots more money. We live longer. We eat better. We work less. We fuck more. We do cocaine and smoke fine Canadian buds, not the homebrew crank and cheap Mexican headache reefer you guys are stuck with. We drink French wine and Stoli martinis, not Budweiser. Our children rarely bother us: we’ve got them on Ritalin and Prozac. Our teeth are straighter and whiter, our necks longer, and our fingernails cleaner. And many of us are the Republican elite who have just punked you.

It’s good to be a Blue, regardless of which party you join.

Understandably, you resent us, so you’ve fabricated an imaginary measure of superiority: Christian “values.” Yet you talk about values the way a pre-teen girl talks about “love” in fan letters to Ashton Kutcher. You recycle quasi-religious platitudes and received slogans. You know nothing of moral theology, a rigorous philosophical pursuit that hardly exists outside the Catholic Church and its elite universities. You make of the Bible what you will; you attend prayer meetings with other semi-literates, where you reinforce each other’s sloppy understandings of the text, and combine them with half-digested bits of old-timey Hallmark-card “wisdom.” And when you spout gibberish, you call it “speaking in tongues.” You actually fancy that you’re saints, you silly, narcissistic creatures.

Nevertheless, you are fellow Americans. The Blue Republican elite encouraged you to vote for George W Bush, because they quite simply own him, and they know that his administration will make policies that help them, even if hurt you. We Blue Democrats voted for John Kerry because we believed he would minister to your needs better than Bush. A President Kerry would have shared some of our wealth with you, assured your health care, raised the minimum wage, and checked the rapacious greed of the multinationals that hold you in thrall.

President Kerry would have helped us to help you, which is all that we ask. It pains us to see you in wage slavery. It pains us to see you so ignorant and uneducated, and so eager to place yourselves in bondage. Yes, we live better; but we wish you to live better too, even if it means sacrifice on our part.

What we wanted for you would have been far better than that which you, in your ignorant pride, demanded for yourselves. Oh, you defeated us all right, but only to your detriment.

We Blues will come out of the Bush era no worse for wear, although you Reds will come out very much diminished, deeper in debt, and less able to improve your circumstances by your own powers. But because you wish to be flattered more than helped, you will be grateful for your ass fucking from the Blue-state Republican elite that is laughing behind your backs today.

We did not wish it so. We honestly did want to help.

On 2 November, you thanked us by electing a shrewd, manipulative handmaiden to corporate America who panders to you while ruthlessly exploiting your ignorance and weakness for the benefit of his patrons in the national plutocracy. There is nothing we can do about that. You won fair and square.

We should let you rot. We should secede and leave you to fend for yourselves. Then you will see firsthand just how dependent you are. We are sick of fighting for you by fighting against you. Perhaps, when you see how dreary your lives have become without us, you will finally develop the spine to fight for your basic, human rights. And then we will gladly confront the plutocracy alongside you. We need your help to defeat the Blue Republicans, who, I assure you, are just as decadent as we are, though often richer.

But until you finally learn to respect yourselves, we can’t respect you, and we therefore can’t be bothered to give a rat’s ass about you.

So let us secede, Blue America and Red America. We can handle the Blue state Republicans, so long as we don’t have a lot of ignorant Red state lemmings frustrating our efforts and screwing themselves in the bargain. Secession will enable us both to live as we have chosen without the other’s interference. We will prosper, and you will get a clue.

But do stay in touch after the borders slam shut. When you finally tire of living on the modern, corporate plantations of Cargill, Tyson, ConAgra and Smithfield; when you tire of shopping at Wal-Mart and sending your daughters to sling hash at Denny’s in hopes that they’ll meet the nicer sort of truck driver; when you tire of sneaking into Blue America as illegal white-trash wetbacks eager for casual work dusting our parlors; and when, like men, you finally rise up in rebellion against this immoral usury — then, and only then, let us talk.

We’ll gladly get your backs. But first you must grow the brains and the balls needed to profit from our help.

From:

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/11/07/blue_state_to_reds/

25
Aug

A Precious & Twisted Summer Melody

What are you thinking of right at this exact moment?
Unlike other people, i don’t think of one thing, i work at 5x the speed of normal. At this precise second i’m trying to get Emma out of my mind as i only have so much RAM in my head and need to work out other things. A brain dump would go as follows: i hope she’s not pissed off at me for not saying goodnight, its been so cool speaking to her so much this week and i want more, i hope i’m not exhausting her, oh god i’m an idiot i probably just annoy her; why bits of do i need to code tomorrow? Should i write this now or just watch a movie? I miss Nads. Need to email Suz and Alex at Sony. Hmm why don’t we have chocolate biscuits here? Need to chase the Nomura invoice. Need to work out where Simon could fit in the company. Wonder how tired i look. Did i settle my tab at the fox. Stop thinking about Emma for fucks sake. Where the fuck is Shaun? Need to book for IBC. This song sucks. Write down those points for the article. Finish the chapter for the book. etcAre you gay?
Not as far as i’m aware, although recently both my dad and my best childhood friend told me they had thought i was at different points of my life. Very flattering. I tried to explain it was more to do with having a rabid hatred of women and a problem with expressing my feelings and sexuality. My mum always repeats the story of when i was 5 and angrily refused to join my sister’s ballet class, which is hilarious the first time, but not after 25 hearings. I feel guilty and ashamed regarding anything sexual, and its only something i’ve come to understand recently. Something’s wrong there and i can’r work out what it is.

Do you have hairy legs?
Yep, being a caveman i’m fully equipped for a lifetime of hunting. I’m not hairy per se, but i have modest body hair. My ex had lots of fun trying to wax my back to get rid of a few strays and other than being so fucking painful i nearly cried like a little girl, its never been the same. For some reason its now sprouted a lot more hair which needs to be gotten rid of. I have friends who are literally covered in a 6in chimpanzee bush so you can’t see their skin. I’m lucky in that regard as apparently i have a nice balance of not too much and not too little.

Do you smoke anything?
Took up smoking again a few months ago after 2 years of abstinence as i needed a hobby and social crutch, so i’m a chain puffer who gets through around 40 a day. Give it to me, and i shall smoke it. I’ve smoked weed, speed, coke, crack, heroin and PCP in varying ways. I’ve even smoked dried dog shit for a dare, back in the day. if you had to put me in a box (other than a coffin), my main vice is a good cigar (Montecristo) to celebrate a good day on a balcony overlooking a tranquil site of natural beauty. Either that or a low-lit jazz club at 2am.

Do you like monkeys?:
Love them, although they are a fucking pest. The novelty wears off after a few nights of being woken up incessantly by them crashing all over your roof and stealing everything they can find in your house. We love them because they do cut little human things (anthropromorphism). Our friend Ruth used to work on Chimp Island on Lake Victoria and bring home little baby chimps, who loved being thrown around as violently as possible. The little ones are cool too, especially when they imitate us. One of the funniest things i can remember is a little baby monkey climbing up on a patio chair, hanging his legs over the side and sticking his beer belly out like the security guard who had just been doing the same.

Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?
Its water, so i couldn’t care less. It all depends on the temperature and cleanliness, as both can be cold and carry diseases. Sea water is abrasive and horrid if you swallow it, whereas fresh water just doesn’t quite feel natural or exotic. Give me a waterfall, a sunset and a beautiful girl and i’m happy.

Have you ever licked one of those square batteries?
Once when i was a kid, just to see if my tongue went fuzzy. Its terrifying how many people die every year in this country from doing just that. In fact its terrifying to read how many people die from just getting out of bed in the morning. The onyl time i use those square things is in a mic or an electro-acoustic guitar, so thankfully they have this thing called technology which lets me know whether there’s any capacity left. If i ever do this in future, slap me.

Have you ever read the Bible?
One of my favourite books of all time, and i try to read it every few days (electronically on my laptop). I’ve read every religious scripture available, in full (including the Satanic Bible and Wiccan literature). My bible’s the favourite as my dad used to read it to me every night before i went to sleep, and i can usualy recite any verse you ask me to, from most versions. The bible is underappreciated as its a stunningly beautiful work documenting 3000 years of universal human wisdom that helps us understand the nature of our species, our place in the bigger picture and our understanding of God. The principles are timeless, as are the lessons. The problem is people take it out of context and forget that it is a work inspired by God, but written by man. Wisdom is the key word.

Did you ever go to Sunday School?
Every Sunday until i was into my teens and could fight back. I loved it as it was where all my friends would be because my family were very church-orientated. We used to fuck around constantly and it was pretty entertaining, so all in all i can remember it as a fairly interesting time. What drove me mad was having to learn at the speed of everyone else as i was already 2 years ahead in my understanding and bored with the little exercises, so i just looked at the pretty girls instead. It has ifs place, but i have huge issues regarding about when we shoudl place religious thoughts in children’s heads. I’m in favour of saying that religion is choice for adults over 18 who have the capacity to understand what they believe in and have had the chance to evaluate and question why they believe what they do.

Do you wear a lot of black?
I’d love to say no, but the truth is that i wear more dark than light as its business standard. My skin is pale these days so black doesn’t work too well (my colour is dark blue). I’m no goth, however. My socks are always black, my coat is very dark, my bag is black and boxers are often dark too. People say i always look formal but my god if only they knew, as i’m such a fucking mess. If i’ve eaten a load of choc fudge cake with zair in the week, a black shirt is a great choice as it helps slim down those all too prominent love handles, but thankfully i put weight on and off equally as quickly.

Did you ever bring a weapon to school?
Loads of them. Sometimes we bought them from shops, sometimes we made them. It started with bangers/firecrackers from France that we’d throw into classrooms whilst lessons were going on, then moved onto black widow catapults to smash holes in windows and then rapidly progressed on to home made explosives in the later years. We used to design bombs that could be hidden in everyday objects like a cigarrette packet and fired fireworks horizontally at each other like we were using rocket launchers. Between doing that and smoking cigarrettes we would stab each other in the hand with compass needles and cut each others arms up with stanley knives.

Have you ever hugged a tree?
Not as such, but i did chain myself to a tree for the hell of it in my teens during the Newbury bypass protest. Don’t get me wrong as i didn’t give a fuck about the bypass. I only went for the rioting, as i did during the May Day chaos. At one point it was scary as people starting chucking petrol bombs at the police and catapulting very big stones. Definitelty loads of fun, and we can only be thankful nobody filled up the molotovs with rubber bands as it could have been a hell of a lot worse than it was. Having a best mate whose dad was a gunsmith was pretty cool too. Aaah and we listened to The Levellers too…

Do you know what the sphincter actually is?
Yes i do, as i’m an A-grade biology student, but this is a trick question. A sphincter is a type of circular muscle that constricts and expands to create a natural body plug for liquids and solids in a tube, not just one particular muscle in your ass. You have a sphincter in your eye, in your mouth, your stomach, your bladder and other places.

Describe your hair?
Uncontrollable. Lacking any particular style. Dry and thick. Occasionally spiked with gel and/or wax. Unmanageable. Sometimes frizzy with natural waves. Receding slightly from stress. Medium brown to albany tone, with many split ends. My hair needs a hedge trimmer to be styled properly and my hairdresser (art director at Toni&Guy daaaaahling) is forever lecturing me about it. He wants to put in blond tips next time apparently, although i have my reservations.

Are you a wildebeast?
You mean of the Connochaetes taxonomy/genus? I’m a male homo sapiens unfotunately. Although i remember being charged by a whole herd of those bastard things in Kenya when i decided to pop over and give one of them a friendly stroke. If i ever see another one i’m going for the elephant gun.

Do you like to have fun?
No i hate it. Its disgusting and horrible. It makes me feel sick and you shouldn’t be doing it. It all depends on what you do to have fun. Like Richard Branson, i fun business fun, but what turns me on is new ideas and new concepts that are innovative and interesting. Conversation and flirting is fun for me, as is writing. Fun is doing stupid things for no reason, or dangerous things to feel close enought to death to realise how alive you are. Sometimes i play golf to relax, sometimes i play guitar, go for a walk to get lost in nature, or go to a gig and adsorb the music and atmosphere. Fun for me is winding up the crowd when i give a speech, ruining the plans of someone i dislike, enjoying fine food in find restaurants and being swept away by the romance of it. So count me out of the [i love drinking i love my mates and i party all the time] category please. It doesn’t do enough for me as i need stimulation. Right now i’m learning magic and rocketry.

Do you like drama?
Oh yes, i’m an addict. But the drama i like is of the intellectual genre, rather than the whingeing 14-year old attention-seeking kind. Drama brings out life in all its volour and glory; it illustrates the madness and complexity of this life and all its nuances. It helps us understand ourselves, tell stories and learn lessons. Its a tool of expression that can be nuclear in the right context and tasteless in the wrong one. Life is very dramatic. Its only that in the West we live in a coma perpetuated by consumer apathy and listlessness. Life is brutal and beautiful thing thats lived everywhere else but in our comfortable, warm little bubble over here where everything is sterilised and compartmentalised.

Have you ever taken a bong hit?
Oh my god, i’ve smoked from every kind of bong imaginable. We got so far into it that we made our own range, and they really were imaginative. The trick was to use diamond-headed drill pieces to go through coloured glass bottles and think of ideas when you were stoned. One of all time favourites was a row of 5 Jack Daniels bottles connected together through 3 metres of rubber piping on a wooden plank a metre long. After we found a way to use a 5 litre bottle of mineral water there was no stopping us. We even ade one out of a huge green wheelie bin once and also used fresh fruit to filter the smoke when we could. The craziest was one that involved the tube being inside a very personal part of a girl’s anatomy. The most intense was an uber-bong we called the killer. it was a spiralling set of tube pipes leading into a glass bowl filled with half a litre of poppers (amyl nitrite, or liquid gold). That was beyond evil. No-one survived it.

Are you afraid to die?
No, as apparently its a lot more peaceful than we think it is. But saying that, my fear is that i’ll die not having done all the things i need to. If i go early i won’t get the chance to finish it all or live to see it realised because it needs me to be there to make it happen. In a few weeks i have to have a medical for investors and redo my will. My self-destructive urge was so great that a lot of people openly said in public that they didn’t think i’d see my 17th birthday. But i don’t think worrying or thinking about death is a bad thing at all as its the only certainty in life. Thinking about it reminds us that we need to live as fully as we can.

Have you ever peed your pants as an adult?
if i have i don’t remember it. I can’t imagine this ever happening in other situations other than being terrified or being so drunk you lose control over all your faculties. Although i’m reliably informed quite a few of my female friends have had a dribble accidentally when they’ve laughed too hard. Eww.

Have you ever thrown up on somebody as an adult?
I can honestly say i haven’t, but i’ve been tempted to. I’m like the guy in the film Seven, who pukes on someone from being so sick of listening to their superficial bullshit. In fact i told the cab driver today that if he dared charge me over a fiver after being 20mins late i’d have to throw up in his back seat. Luckily he found it funny, but he was also a useless cock. The only times i’ve thrown up recently have been through sickness. I had that winter vomiting virus thing it was horrid. I’d take it over diarrhoea any day though as its quite funny sometimes.

Are you an adult?
Mentally or physically? I am in the legal definition of the word, although many religions maintain the belief that you don’t become one until after your 30th birthday, which is a curious but telling wisdom. I’m a strange mix as in some respects i have the innocence of a child, whereas i often feel older than our grey-haired friends in the home. I certainly feel the weight of the world more than any adult i know, and i end up lecturing my parents and have done since i was small. I’m blessed with a very natural insight which i enjoy because it comes in handy all the time. Some people never truly grow up: a lot more than we realise. For them the office is school and relationships are like the ones they had in the playground.

Do you think you have a good handle on spelling?
Oh yes, and i was a champion speller in little school. My mistakes come from my brain working 20x faster than my hands on the keyboard, and as for handwriting forget it as i can’t remember how to do it anymore. The main issue i see with people and their spelling problems is that they spell phonetically, which means they try to write it as they hear themselves say it out loud. They type it as they hear it said, but the way we say things is different to the way we write them (add to that regional dialects etc) so it needs to be visual.

Do you ever eat because your depressed?
Well i suffer from depression and my medication slows my metabolism and makes me crave sweet things, if that counts? Sugar makes you feel good but traps you in a vicious cycle, and hungeris a natural pain that feels godo to satisfy, so i can understand why people do it. What i don’t get is 25 fatties stuffing pies down their neck when they know that’s the reason they’re bulging at the seams in the first place. Put the fucking fork down. How can the source of anxiety be the daviour and relief of it?

Are you a television addict?:
I work in TV and have it on all day, but i’m not an addict. I absolutly *hate* reality TV and pretentious crap made by insular production people. What you being to see if that they only hang around with the other people in their industry and don’t welcome additions to their little clique. So that makes them make TV for each other and surprise surprise its a load of crap constructed of injokes that the general public don’t get. The other problem is no-one takes any risks any more and its all about making money rather than doing great pioneering television. The golden days are gone forever and we are left with Celebrity Love Island. I’m an addict of what TV could be if you let me go ahead and do it.

Do you think O.J. is guilty?:
Guilty as fucking sin.

Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?
My mum is a totally neurotic, emotional, anxious lunatic who changes her opinions, principles and thoughts with her mood and the weather. She drives me fucking mad. I love her dearly but she’s stabbed me in the back so many time that there’s no room to place another knife and i see her in me as i wear my heart on my sleeve. I hate the fact she continually forgives my heroin addict stepfather and can’t seem to control herself when she’s emotional in any way. Saying that, i’m also proud of her for starting her company and being strong enough to get through what she has. But do i like spending time with her? In small doses.

Do you enjoy watching animals “do it” on the Discovery channel?
Yeah it makes me hot. All that zebra on zebra action! Sex is so incredibly bizarre and you have to wonder what we’d think about it if we didn’t feel lust and get caught up in the heat of it all. Nature designed it to be atractive and pleasureable so we could pass on our genes as widely as possible, but its just so silly. As Samuel Johnson so wisely said, the expense is damnable, the position is ridiculous, and the pleasure fleeting.

Ever been hit on at a zoo?
If being pinned against a wall by an overly-horny girlfriend counts, then yes. Something about the smell of hay and outdoor cages seemed to grasp her attention and make her compelled to express her amor. I wouldn’t normally complain but we were at an interesting exhibit and i was trying to listen to the keeper at the time. Maybe it was because i was more interested in that than i was in her. But then again i can find the most utterly boring things fascinating and spend many hours explaining why in a very animated fashion. They get it eventually.

Does your mom think someones hot?
I shudder to think. God knows what she saw in my stepdad, other than another poor helpless victim to rescue. My mum’s only comment on the nutters my sister goes out with (Marcos excluded as he’s cool) is that they have a nice face. But she also gets very embarassed when we talk about sex and has to interrupt us and lecture that it must be in the context of a loving relationship because sleeping with someone means you are soul-bonded for eternity as one flesh. The woman is off her head. I’d like to think she was just a normal woman, but everything points to the opposite.

Are you a sugar freak?
Totally. My weakness is chocolate twists and choc muffins from Costa, along with Mochaccinos. I have sugar in my coffee, i have a massively sweet tooth and i’m dreadful when it comes to restraint in that regard. Give me sugar and caffeine and its game over for you. I could survive on Kit Kats, aero bars and plain chocolate digestives. Heaven for me is a sweet shop, like the one we set up in school to rival the official tuck shop and put out of business. My first venture, and we were profitable in 2 days before we were shut down 3 weeks later. Our success was mainly due our stock being property stolen from the newsagent though.

When you hear a knock on the door, do you think “Oh shit, is that the cops?”
Nope, but my dad does since his house got raided for drugs at 4am after i was arrested when i was 19. I got pulled over at 2am off my face on coke and arrested for having a stolen road sign in the boot and a spliff butt in the ashtray, and locked in a cell overnight. They smashed down the door, consfiscated chemistry lab equipment, songbooks withs references to drugs and 3 bin liners of so called questionable material that they had to give back later. There was a day when i was the police’s no1 target, but i’m friends with them all now, which is very strange. Tell someone that now, and they can’t believe it.

Ever been arrested?
In double figures. I’ve been arrested and then de-arrested straight afterwards, been beaten up in police cells by the coppers themselves, had to bribe my way out of jail and god knows what else. I have a string of criminal convictions for pitifully minor offences, none against people. I got so good at it that i learned how to undo the handcuffs, smuggle things into cells with me and defend myself in court. The Hants police are county mounties that developed a dislike of my arrogance and smartass mouth, so i got heavily persecuted and found out about corruption the hard way.

Ever commit a crime and gotten away with it, like O.J. did?
Yep, but thats all i’m saying about it. There are plenty of crimes i’d like to be able to get away though. For example, killing and disfiguring the list of individuals i don’t believe deserve to live, punching megaphone guy who spends all day shouting religious damnation to passer-bys in picadilly, stealing the billions back from the banks that they rob from ordinary people, blowing up parliament in disgust at ID cards, running a business empire as an unstoppable monopoly, selling weed on the high street like a Starbucks, the list goes on…

Do you like orange juice?:
With lemonade and some ice, its my regular drink. Very good for vitamin C too.

What sign are you?
Sagittariius, the wise philosopher and travelling clown. From what i remember i have my moon in Capricorn and Venus in Scorpio (good in business and very emotional in love). And i’m a very typical one, even physically. People call me a genius yet i can’t find my keys, remember the date or cook a basic meal. We’re explosively passionate, scatty, good-natured, warm, free spirited and care more for the bigger picture than the details. Also the luckiest sign in the zodiac and have a knack of getting out of things and licing in a way most people can only dream of. I’m told i’m most compatible with other fire signs like Aries and Leo, which is curious as most of my friends are. The other good ones are aquarius, libra andtaurys or something.

Where do you wish you were right now?
In bed spooning with Marge, and kissing her on the back of the neck incredibly lightly to say goodnight.

19
Aug

Wtf Is Wrong With These People

I’m in the airport for the 2nd time today, smoking a cig at the wifi hotspot. Damn these stupid people.

The fucking flight is delayed! Who is running this airline? Charlie fucking brown? How hard can it be? Get them in the plane, make the plane fly. Get them out the plane. Easy. Fuck everything else.

Security measures? What a fucking joke. I took lighters, scissors and nail clippers through openly. You have to take your shoes off but apparently its ok to have something to set the plan on fire with. For fucks sake.

But i feel better because Em and i scrapped. She’s so fucking hot, even when she’s angry. In fact, even more when she’s angry. I have to make her angry more often.

Please please PLEASE mr boss give her the day off! I’m having to fight the forces of the universe to get to the place today in every sense of the word. Something with this much resistance must be worth it.

fuck me i’m so bored, for the first time in ages. Going to get into some mischief to amuse myself. Watch out airport ;)

19
Aug

The Worst F**king Airline In The World

So i’m sitting here at Stansted fuming away, and having just escaped being ejected from the place as i gavethese fucking incompetent morons a piece of my mind. Whatever you do, don’t fucking fly out of a UK airport this summer, as its insanity. You can’t drink coffee, and they are even conviscating nail clippers. My god i’m going to kill someone today. There are men with guns here though, so i had better be clever about it. Outright violence won’t do this time.

So there i am at 5am having a bite of toast, and i set off for town. One single security alert in Richmond meant i missed my flight by seconds. I stomp over to the easyjet desk in my long business coat with one hell of a face on and a cigarette in hand, and all hell breaks loose:

Me: “Business lounge and a refund please, now”.
Him: “No sir, you must pay flight transfer fee of £35. Next flight is 9pm tonight.”
Me. “No. Get the airport manager before i cause a security alert. Get me another fucking flight or i’ll make sure no-one i know uses you again. I don’t give a fuck if i have to fly to Moscow and change, just fucking press some buttons and make something happen.”
Him: “He is coming now, but sir we do not work for Easyjet. There are no easyjet staff here, you must call them on this (premium rate 090x) number”.
Me: “No words please, just the money and an apology will be fine. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Are you the world’s worst airline or is that Ryanair’s esteemed title?”

The manager comes over, arms start flying, i call them thieves, voices start getting raised and the rest is history. A cigarette later and i’m chilling here, resisting the urge to go over and punch all of the check-in attendants one after another.

So i’m going to head up on the next flight around 9ish. Might also take a flight to Amsterdam or Paris and see if i can get back that way. No fucker is stopping me from taking a break away this weekend. Might give me some time to book a hotel too :)

So people of Newcastle and the north, beware. I’m about to invade, i’m in one hell of an uber-grump and i’m feeling fucking lethal today.

Ciao peeps - if you don’t see me for a while, i’ve either blown up or been arrested. I’m going to use the time to buy another mp3 player and write a story that i’ll post later.

19
Aug

The Urgency Of Now

Andy and I spent some time last night talking through the world, as we often do. Its always a joy. We call our quiet beers in the pub a summit, because thats exactly what they are and weve grown up together exploring who we can be, why things are the way they are and what we can do to change them. Andys a leader in waiting who doesnt know it yet.

We talked about procrastination, but also the evils of complacency and comfort. Were lucky to be so self-aware and mentally agile still, as many people arent, to our communal frustration. There are so many people who just dont think, or have lost the capacity to think. They come out their education and shut down over the next few years. If you want to do something, or to have something, you have to take the initiative and do it yourself because no-one else is going to do for you like they did when you were small. You need to think, and then you need to act.

The biggest problem is with opportunity. Recognising it, and more importantly, acting on it. We can all have ideas; in fact there are millions every day. Delivering and executing an idea is 100x harder than having it in the first place. Some people could be smacked in the face with a mallet labelled OPPORTUNITY and still wouldnt notice. They dont think about what they could be missing out on because they lack the capacity to think that far ahead or extrapolate on what is before their very eyes.

Even harder is acting on opportunity once youve seen it. Its there, and you have to take it. Seize the day, sod everything else and just do it. Fuck the consequences, and just live for fucks sake. Worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes as todays problems are big enough on their own. Stop being scared and get off your ass. Live the life you want and the one you dreamed of. Dont do what everyone else does or what they tell you that you should do. Ignore the advice and go with your heart. Have stories to tell of your madness and your adventures. Live like the world will be ending at 5.59am the next day. Only you will decide the quality of your life, no-one else.

Easier said than done? Hardly. Youre at the centre of it all and decide what you want in your life. It will be scary, it will be tough and youll never know if youre doing the right thing, ever. If you want something, go get it. Dont wait, dont hesitate. Fortune favours the brave and boldness conquers all. Invade and drive your truck through the front glass window. Remember that all those people you admire are where they are because they refused to give into stage fright and fought for what they wanted or dreamed of. They saw it, thought about it to work out a plan, and then committed to getting to it.

Only you are in control. Only you can get up and do it. Only you can pull it off. Only you can work out where you want to go.

There is only one Alex Cameron, and I know that. There are 1000s of you. I rest quietly in that as I know Im different to almost everyone you know. Im glad of it because Im unique and a time-limited special offer, whether that is business, family or life. I wont settle for games or mediocrity because I have a lot to offer and need you a lot less than you need me. I have a lot of faults too, but I have the capacity to fix them over time. I dont need you to do that for me.

You may think thats arrogant. Good. I know my value and my worth, and have the balls to say it. Dont damn me because you are too weak to do the same.

Because you may never get the chance again
This may be the only time you have the opportunity to do it. You have a window that wont last long and if you wait you will miss it. It wont be there forever and you dont know when it will close. It may close in 5mins or 2 days, but you know for certain it will be gone at some point. Youll wait and wait and imagine it will be there in a years time or whenever you want it to be. What are the chances? You dont know, so do it now.

Because theres no reason why not
You like hiding behind a million silly pseudo-reasons because youre scared. Thats OK, but you need to realise it and bite the proverbial bullet. There is nothing stopping you; not money, not bills, not debts, nothing. All of the things you think are in the way can be dealt with and wont be as affected as you think they will be. You are always saying no to something, normally yourself and your own happiness. Do it right now.

Because it may be the most important decision of your life
And you may be putting it off. It could be the most significant and life-altering experience youll ever have and change your world forever. Nothing that is meant for you will pass you by, but you can let it pass by ignoring it if you really want to. It may change the course of things forever, for the good. Some of the most amazing things in the world came about by total accident, but most came through choice. Do it now.

Because there will never be a right time
Someone will always have to do something or a situation will have to be a certain way before you can act. The debts need to be gone, the extra year of experience need to be worked and/or the circumstances will have to be exactly as you want them to be. Wake up, because youre living in a dream world. Things will never be perfect, and youre avoiding getting started. Do it now.

Because there will always be something better round the corner
There are always choices, and there are always options. You can always find something better if you look round the corner, but if you keep looking, you will spend all of your life looking and never be able to settle and enjoy what you have now. How will you know when youve found what youre looking for? Do you even know what youre looking for? Do it now.

Because otherwise youll end up like the people you despise
Heroin and alcohol didnt start out wanting to be dependent on chemicals; they slid into it out of habit driven on by their emotional problems. No-one wants to be like their parents either, including your parents. Laugh at chavs and tarty Friday-night sluts all you like, but unless you do something youre the same as them. The difference will only be if you act. Do it now.

Because youll get left behind
All your friends are doing amazing things and have got further than you. They always have a better job, a happier relationship or more interesting adventures. Unless that person if you. And thats your choice. Stay where you are and theyll outrun you while you look on enviously. Its your job to keep up and lead the pack. Do it now.

Because youll keep putting it off until its too late
Every time you say youll do it later, you get one step further away from what you want. Every second of every hour of every week of every month of every year whisks you further away. Youll get slow, it will get harder to leave and by the time its too late you will be nothing. There is no reason not to do it now, other than your fear. You say youll definitely do it every single time, but every time you put it off once again. Do it now.

Because you need to get out of your comfort zone to grow
Doing something new is scary. Risking nothing is even scarier. All of life is a risk and some parts are very, very uncomfortable. But pain is a side-effect and symptom of growth in any part life. All growth is accompanied by pain and its unavoidable. Staying where you are doesnt help you grow, it cements you to the monotonous routine of boring hell you are already in. You will always gravitate to the familiar to feel safe, but ask yourself how it became familiar in the first place. Do it now.

Because you dont know where it might take you
There are no small things. The tiniest thing can change the world for you or someone else, and you have no idea what could come of it. If you dont ask, the answer is no and you dont get anything. If you ask and get a no, it means not now and you havent lost anything. You are losing right now by default. Even a flippant comment can change the course of the day, either in mood, or idea or anything else. Life is a strange, random circle that blows you around to the best place to settle. 5 years ago you didnt think youd be where you are now. Do it today.

Its scary as fuck, but just remember how alive you felt doing it, and how long it lasted afterwards. It feels inspiring and powerful. And its addictive. Putting it bluntly, spontaneity rocks. Its fun. Its exciting. And in a few years you wont be able to do it but will crave it more desperately than ever. This is the time to do it. Right now.

Ive done it first so you wont be on your own, so in a way Ive prepared the ground youre walking on. I give everyone I know the guarantee that if you stick your neck out for me, I will recognise it and I will respond, always. There will never be a time when you take a risk that I wont see what youve done and ignore it or not give you the time. If you jump, Ill jump with you. Ill share the risk. Ive done it millions of times over and Ill do it again and again and never stop. My life is only made liveable by risks and everyone responds to it when they see it in others.

Take a risk on me and Ill make sure that you never fail, no matter what happens. I may not agree or do what you want, but you will never have wasted your time or energy. I know what it takes to make the step and you will never need to spell it out. Sometimes with my disposition its possibly the only way to get through or past the outer shell. As my friends say, Im a man of extremes and I have an auto-response mechanism for them. Subtlety has never been my strongpoint. I damn and curse and praise and love in equal measure but I never do anything in halves or in detail.

I have an automatic empathy with people who step out in faith, not knowing what will happen. The response is always the same, and thats a warm affection for those who care enough about me, their life or those they love to stand up and give something of themselves so they can live a life that is full of stories they can tell later. Its partly because the only people I want in my life are those who would do what I would do for them and those who appreciate the risks I take and would take them for me. I treat them as they would treat me.

The gesture is a symbol. A symbol of faith, of enthusiasm, of affection and of excitement. Its saying you believe in what can be, and value what has already been. It says you will fight for what you want, what you believe and who you love. It says you want to live for right now because there could be no tomorrow, or a tomorrow that doesnt offer the same chance you had today. It could be the very last time and the last seconds before it all falls down and you settle for ten per cent of what you deserve, need or want. The only way to know is to do it. Go for it and be scared later.

Just think of what could be, not what is now. The world will be different after you do it, for you and for everyone else involved. Wrongs can be righted and forgiven, new experiences open doors into things you never knew existed or were possible. You might even regain what youve lost or get rid of something you didnt need. Whats the worst that could happen? Whats the best? If you do nothing, you will get the worst, without exception. Change happens and you must respond and evolve, or you will fall. We love, we fight, we win, we lose. But if we do nothing and let life wash over us, we always lose and end up drowning.

If you want to know who I am, then you need to feel that second of fear before you push yourself over the edge. If I dont feel that, I die. Simple as that. I crave it, I need it, and I wont settle. Live right then and stay there, and you will understand my heart and my mind. That s freedom. Thats being alive. Thats the way to do it instead of being in coma.

All Im asking is you come and join me. Ill be here waiting for you when you arrive.

16
Aug

Because Passion Is Bulletproof

When I was little my mum used to say that I had no sense of the impossible. The Jesuits have a very well known saying where they ask you to give them the boy until he is seven and they will give you the man. Very true in my case. Apart from loving to play around with cables, Id spend my time doing things people said I couldn’t do, or couldn’t be done. I drove my tricycle into walls and doors because I decided they wouldn’t stop me. One day I did it. I drove right through the glass pane in a door and scared the life out of everybody. It didn’t phase me. It made me even more salacious. Nothing would stop me or slow me down.

People say nowadays that as well as admiring how far Ive come, their pride comes from my persistence and sheer resilience. They rightly call it faith, as it is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen, as I often remind myself. I cant stop. I wont stop. I never have, and I never will. Its who I am, and who Im meant to be. If you didn’t know me it would seem quixotic, but its real, its happening and you can see the trail of destruction in front of you. This isn’t just talk, its walk. And its been my undoing many, many times.

If you asked anyone in my personal life to describe me in a few words (as is often done, especially for testimonials and press coverage), theyd say passionate, driven, eccentric and generous. Some even go so far to say genius, which is fantastic, but anyone can look like a genius and not actually be one. I don’t think I am (I’m too retarded). Those words are recurrent amongst all the people who know me. Its fascinating when they hold the mirror up at you. There are no small number of dissenters who would complain and happily label me quite the opposite. Unluckily for them, my character is naturally predisposed to eating that and swallowing it whole.

I was always different. My teachers picked me out when I was little, and my college tutors singled me out later on. My mum and dads church let it be known they were watching me. I thought and acted differently to everyone else, but back then I could only express it as vile, blind hatred of everything and everyone. People in the audience of the events I speak at line up to talk to me after I screech at them now and I have no idea why because half the time I don’t feel like I’m there when Im doing it. For me its a strange adventure ride, as I don’t know exactly what Im here for and what I am to do. All that I know is that its big. Really fucking big. Its a burden thats crippled me the whole of my life.

One of the greatest compliments I ever got was in a pub in Kensington from my friend of many years, Jase, who Shaun and I met in Africa and has become an immortal and immovable rock of both of our lives. He introduced me to a crowd of 5 people by saying This is Alex. Hes the most amazing person you will ever meet in your lifetime. I was grateful of the unrealistic flattery of a loveable friend, but he meant it, bless him. He told me why he said it afterwards, and I was humbled rather than pumped up. To this day it seems so silly, but the sentiment was the most important thing for me. Im not used to that kind of thing. In fact, I shrink from it.

Before you go off and put an eyebrow up, I don’t think Im amazing. Far from it. I have so many faults, weaknesses and shortcomings that Im genuinely surprised Ive made it this far. My recklessness and sheer bloodymindedness has got me arrested and nearly killed several times. Its also got my heart broken more times than I care to count. But Im confident, which people often confuse with arrogance. I never had any self-esteem that I can remember, so I had nothing to be beaten down during the earlier years. People who did have a difficult time understanding that as they are too consumed with their own insecurities and anxieties.

The way I see it, the vast majority of people I know live in a very warm and cosy coma. The familiarity of routine and the norm wraps them up in a blissful but slow spiritual death. Apathy takes over and everything gets put off again and again, and they wonder why they cant have the exciting lives their friends seem to lead or the experiences that are dramatised in the movies. The silly thing is they can. They just need to wake themselves up, and there is no-one who can do that but themselves. Anything you could want is right in front of you for the taking. The dream youve been craving is right around the corner just a little farther from your nose.

My drive consumes me. My body gets ravaged and starved, my mind cant focus on anything else and everything I am is put into getting to the end of what I want. My insight comes from having vital minds eye, which we all have, but don’t necessarily have the luxury of being able to use effectively. I naturally visualise the end result or situation that I want to get to and cant rest until I’m there. Having it there disrupts everything, my sleep, my peace of mind, whether I manage to eat and my emotional health. Frustration winds up me to the point of rage when my hands dont work as fast as my mind. Its the reason why I destroy every computer I go near, simply as I haven’t found one thats been built yet that can withstand me.

They put in therapy for it. The church tried to exorcise me several times for it. They sent me to psychiatrist for it. The GP gave me drugs for it. I checked myself into counselling. I took drugs to numb it out. I took it out violently against those who abused me. I fell into nervous exhaustion which had me hospitalised 3 times. But I learned to use it and channel it over time, because if I didn’t, I firmly believe it would kill me. And all those who have tried to help agree. Its that intense. I fear nothing but God, and myself. I fear myself more than anything.

All that matters is the mission, and that it gets fulfilled. Everything else is peripheral, even the basic living essentials. There is nothing anyone can do to me. There is nothing they can do to stop me. Even if I keeled over and died now, my legacy is in motion. People are building businesses around the ideas I have brought into the air and buying into a philosophy Ive evangelised in front of hundreds of people at a time. Im 27, but my colleagues are CEOs of multi-million dollar companies and some of the most powerful people in media. When I speak, people sit up and take notice. Those ideas are imprinted in their minds and are as such immortal. And as V says in V For Vendetta, behind the mask is an idea, and ideas are bulletproof.

There is no way I can explain it, and I dont know how Ive got here. Hard work is one thing, but its not that. Luck is another, but its not that either. One of our team (Ian) recently said going to meetings with me is like knocking on open doors. I didnt open them, they were already open somehow. I see the weakness of your argument in seconds without knowing how. I am 3 moves ahead of you in my mind but cant do anything about it when it comes to my heart. I understand the route you need to take within a few minutes of you explaining your confusion. I get flashes in my mind of scenes in the future that I dont remember until Im there when they happen.

I wish I could learn to use all these things to be a better person, but Im too young to know how, to my frustration. I fuck it up all the time, every day. I wish I could open up my chest and let whats in there out so it can just stop the screaming. I wish I could talk fast enough to satisfy my desire to flood the world with the words on the tip of my tongue. Maybe some day I will be brave enough, and the world has let me know in no uncertain terms its waiting for me, and Im late as usual.

Its amazing how much my mum says I’m like my grandfather. I never met him as he died before I was born, but I share so much in common with him. He was a very wise and rich man who embodied the values I have now, which is only realised when I was old enough to understand. A lot of that is due to my mum passing them on, but a lot of it is actually just me. He saw life as a road, and while you were on it, you could choose to push people off it or help them on their way. His belief was to help them on their way, and he became truly great for it. He also said to choose your friends carefully and that he didn’t care who my mum married as long as he was kind. A total and utter ruthless bastard in business too.

I think he’d get on pretty well with his grandson.

We often hear a lot about the seven deadly sins, which is a Roman Catholic invention, like so many other parts of Christian faith portrayed in the media. Those 7 sins are also the 7 founding pillars of what we call human nature. They are the dark, evil and selfish side us monkeys are naturally inclined to indulge ourselves in. Sin is a very old word that stems from the concept of betrayal, as outdated as it sounds today. To sin is to betray your relationship with someone rather than commit a wrong as is commonly thought. If you cheat on your wife, you sin against her. Murderers sign against their community. A list of sins is a list of times you have betrayed someone.

The word scapegoat also comes from Judaic times. The Jewish faith celebrates Yom Kippur, which is an annual event where a goat is sacrificed to take the sins of Israel. Its bizarre how we remember the bad things more pertinently than the good. The equivalent of the 7 deadly sins are the seven virtues; faith, hope, charity, prudence, justice, fortitude and temperance. When the true beauty of the good side of humanity emerges, its blinding. The irony is that you only see it when times are dark, and it shines a light.

And that is our collective responsibility, to be a light in the darkness. My choice is not to be scared. My choice is to be honest and not play the games people love to play. My choice is to fight for the world I want to live in and the place I want my grandchildren to inherit. My choice is not to hold back or hesitate. I wont stop. I wont rest and I wont let up. As long as there is a breath in my body I wont give up, and I wont let you either. And that marks me out, then so be it.

16
Aug

An Overdue Gasp For Air

You all know how i hate August, so no surprise that i’ve been under the radar for a few weeks as we’re building our tech prototypes. I’m knackered, run off my feet and have a list of complainees to get back to and explain myself. Although i’m pretty chirpy as what we’ve got is looking downright amazing and its going to push a lot of people’s hair back when they play with it. Quite a powerful beast, but beautiful if you handle it gently, like an expensive sports car. We should be done before IBC in September (in Amsterdam, hehe), also around the time our business plans get released to investors and banking types. Up until then its an enjoyable millstone round the neck which is adding to the usual barrage of both my existing company, the new venture and all the projects i’m helping people with.

As impolite as it is, this one blog post to everyone is the quickest way for me to reach a lot of you rather than an email auto-responder. Wish i could send individual messages, but i don’t have the mental bandwidth. I overslept this morning as my brain just shut itself down.

So this weekend i’m going to be in Newcastle, home of cold weather and strange hairy people who you can’t understand even though you know they’re speaking English. Just waiting on hotel details from Heather an i’m all set. Its going to be an intense 48hrs of madness as i’ve managed to cram in as many meetings as i can whilst i’m there (if i even make it at this rate, or don’t get blown up on the way). Seeing 11 people in total, but don’t tell our chairman Paul as i’ll be in the shit big time. I promised him i’d take 2 days holiday. Which it is, kind of.

Last time they had running water, colour TV and cutlery, so i’m looking forward to discovering new and wonderful things their society has adopted recently, like electricity and toothpaste. If you’re nearby, give me a call on the mobile and drop by for a coffee as its a rare departure from my city-and-Surrey existence. I have an hour or two to fill up and weeks of pent-up energy just waiting to be dispensed so will be in full colour mode. Would be nice to meet a few new people on my travels.

On a more sombre note, my brief but enjoyable time on MySpace is slowly coming to an end. Don’t get wrong as its addictive and i love it, but i can’t keep up with everything that goes on. There’s also an overriding necessity for me to be a lot more careful about what i put in the public domain for people to find as a few recent experiences have reminded me to very careful about who and what has doorways into my personal life. I’ve had some serious lectures from some very seriously powerful people about slowing down, focusing more and generally walking down the path i’m on with more sincerity, Same goes for MSN, email and the other productivity-draining toys. Too much circulation makes the price goes down.

So if you’ve missed me, wondered where i’ve been and whether i’m still alive, are annoyed i haven’t got back to you, want to know when i’ll be around, the simple answer is to take a ticket and get in line :) Most of you know the secret ways of getting hold of me, so shake your rattle and i’ll find a few minutes when i can. Email server is currently fucked, so i can send but not receive. People have been shouted at.

Alex

P.S:

Lise - so sorry as know you’ve got big things going on right now. I feel crap about not being able to speak recently. I’ll put some time in to call you if you can tell me when you’re not working. Really looking forward to you coming over in Jan, believe it or not.

Melanie - you fiend. See you on Sat as i said originally. Will call you when i touch down so we can get lunch at MalMaison or somewhere. Paul is booked in for Sunday, with David and Heather.

Amy - i’m going to take great pleasure in ripping up the room in the debate tomorrow. If we win (and we will), you get to take me out to dinner ;) Marce and i will be there for 6ish after our meeting at ITV, and i’m going to try and see if i can get Ruth from Warner to join us too.

Bethster - can you let me know when you’re back from Israel as i want to see you before i head up north. I’ve been going mad here. No really - we’re talking stomping around. I need your calming influence more than ever :)

Shaun - you are gay. Call me when you get back from the NAMBLA convention (hehehehe) as i need to talk to you about a few things. Need to arrange a weekend in Brighton for meetings and downtime. And we need amigo tripod time. If we have to drag Jase from Karen’s arms kicking and screaming we will fucking do it.

Suz - email has been crap all day but rest assured i shall be providing a new topic and we can talk about the ACT thing in Edinburgh as i want to go to it before i go to IBC.

Nads - so lovely to speak to you last night. That blog i mentioned is going up tomorrow when i finish it. Taking some time off the coding to feed that very emaciated soul of mine so it will see the light of day before we get to Starbucks on Friday :)

05
Aug

Our Guy On Dragon’s Den!

So a few months back, one of our team (Ian, nickname “Robocop”) went on the programme with a student from South Bank uni (James). As well as being one of ours, Ian’s the uni’s head of Intellectual Property and brings businesses that start there into the real world.

They arrived at 8am, weren’t told when they were going on and were kept away from any of the main panel all day (production staff spent all day trying to scare them silly). They were scrapping in there with them for 2 hours but the edited footage is only around 15mins.

To cut a long story short, they were told it was the best pitch that has ever been done on the programme, that 3 of their answers were the best they’d ever heard and they were offered investment by almost all the panel.

And guess what? They turned it down. Not too much of a disappointment as between us we know the whole panel anyway so apparently they’re doing a deal privately.

James Barnham & Ian Sillett Take On The Dragons
(Episode 1 - about 1/3rd of the way through, bath-stopping invention)

They want Jon and I to go on now as well. Should we do it? I’d fucking rip their throats out….:)





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