So i’m sitting here at Stansted fuming away, and having just escaped being ejected from the place as i gavethese fucking incompetent morons a piece of my mind. Whatever you do, don’t fucking fly out of a UK airport this summer, as its insanity. You can’t drink coffee, and they are even conviscating nail clippers. My god i’m going to kill someone today. There are men with guns here though, so i had better be clever about it. Outright violence won’t do this time.

So there i am at 5am having a bite of toast, and i set off for town. One single security alert in Richmond meant i missed my flight by seconds. I stomp over to the easyjet desk in my long business coat with one hell of a face on and a cigarette in hand, and all hell breaks loose:

Me: “Business lounge and a refund please, now”.
Him: “No sir, you must pay flight transfer fee of £35. Next flight is 9pm tonight.”
Me. “No. Get the airport manager before i cause a security alert. Get me another fucking flight or i’ll make sure no-one i know uses you again. I don’t give a fuck if i have to fly to Moscow and change, just fucking press some buttons and make something happen.”
Him: “He is coming now, but sir we do not work for Easyjet. There are no easyjet staff here, you must call them on this (premium rate 090x) number”.
Me: “No words please, just the money and an apology will be fine. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Are you the world’s worst airline or is that Ryanair’s esteemed title?”

The manager comes over, arms start flying, i call them thieves, voices start getting raised and the rest is history. A cigarette later and i’m chilling here, resisting the urge to go over and punch all of the check-in attendants one after another.

So i’m going to head up on the next flight around 9ish. Might also take a flight to Amsterdam or Paris and see if i can get back that way. No fucker is stopping me from taking a break away this weekend. Might give me some time to book a hotel too

So people of Newcastle and the north, beware. I’m about to invade, i’m in one hell of an uber-grump and i’m feeling fucking lethal today.

Ciao peeps - if you don’t see me for a while, i’ve either blown up or been arrested. I’m going to use the time to buy another mp3 player and write a story that i’ll post later.