What are you thinking of right at this exact moment?
Unlike other people, i don’t think of one thing, i work at 5x the speed of normal. At this precise second i’m trying to get Emma out of my mind as i only have so much RAM in my head and need to work out other things. A brain dump would go as follows: i hope she’s not pissed off at me for not saying goodnight, its been so cool speaking to her so much this week and i want more, i hope i’m not exhausting her, oh god i’m an idiot i probably just annoy her; why bits of do i need to code tomorrow? Should i write this now or just watch a movie? I miss Nads. Need to email Suz and Alex at Sony. Hmm why don’t we have chocolate biscuits here? Need to chase the Nomura invoice. Need to work out where Simon could fit in the company. Wonder how tired i look. Did i settle my tab at the fox. Stop thinking about Emma for fucks sake. Where the fuck is Shaun? Need to book for IBC. This song sucks. Write down those points for the article. Finish the chapter for the book. etcAre you gay?
Not as far as i’m aware, although recently both my dad and my best childhood friend told me they had thought i was at different points of my life. Very flattering. I tried to explain it was more to do with having a rabid hatred of women and a problem with expressing my feelings and sexuality. My mum always repeats the story of when i was 5 and angrily refused to join my sister’s ballet class, which is hilarious the first time, but not after 25 hearings. I feel guilty and ashamed regarding anything sexual, and its only something i’ve come to understand recently. Something’s wrong there and i can’r work out what it is.

Do you have hairy legs?
Yep, being a caveman i’m fully equipped for a lifetime of hunting. I’m not hairy per se, but i have modest body hair. My ex had lots of fun trying to wax my back to get rid of a few strays and other than being so fucking painful i nearly cried like a little girl, its never been the same. For some reason its now sprouted a lot more hair which needs to be gotten rid of. I have friends who are literally covered in a 6in chimpanzee bush so you can’t see their skin. I’m lucky in that regard as apparently i have a nice balance of not too much and not too little.

Do you smoke anything?
Took up smoking again a few months ago after 2 years of abstinence as i needed a hobby and social crutch, so i’m a chain puffer who gets through around 40 a day. Give it to me, and i shall smoke it. I’ve smoked weed, speed, coke, crack, heroin and PCP in varying ways. I’ve even smoked dried dog shit for a dare, back in the day. if you had to put me in a box (other than a coffin), my main vice is a good cigar (Montecristo) to celebrate a good day on a balcony overlooking a tranquil site of natural beauty. Either that or a low-lit jazz club at 2am.

Do you like monkeys?:
Love them, although they are a fucking pest. The novelty wears off after a few nights of being woken up incessantly by them crashing all over your roof and stealing everything they can find in your house. We love them because they do cut little human things (anthropromorphism). Our friend Ruth used to work on Chimp Island on Lake Victoria and bring home little baby chimps, who loved being thrown around as violently as possible. The little ones are cool too, especially when they imitate us. One of the funniest things i can remember is a little baby monkey climbing up on a patio chair, hanging his legs over the side and sticking his beer belly out like the security guard who had just been doing the same.

Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?
Its water, so i couldn’t care less. It all depends on the temperature and cleanliness, as both can be cold and carry diseases. Sea water is abrasive and horrid if you swallow it, whereas fresh water just doesn’t quite feel natural or exotic. Give me a waterfall, a sunset and a beautiful girl and i’m happy.

Have you ever licked one of those square batteries?
Once when i was a kid, just to see if my tongue went fuzzy. Its terrifying how many people die every year in this country from doing just that. In fact its terrifying to read how many people die from just getting out of bed in the morning. The onyl time i use those square things is in a mic or an electro-acoustic guitar, so thankfully they have this thing called technology which lets me know whether there’s any capacity left. If i ever do this in future, slap me.

Have you ever read the Bible?
One of my favourite books of all time, and i try to read it every few days (electronically on my laptop). I’ve read every religious scripture available, in full (including the Satanic Bible and Wiccan literature). My bible’s the favourite as my dad used to read it to me every night before i went to sleep, and i can usualy recite any verse you ask me to, from most versions. The bible is underappreciated as its a stunningly beautiful work documenting 3000 years of universal human wisdom that helps us understand the nature of our species, our place in the bigger picture and our understanding of God. The principles are timeless, as are the lessons. The problem is people take it out of context and forget that it is a work inspired by God, but written by man. Wisdom is the key word.

Did you ever go to Sunday School?
Every Sunday until i was into my teens and could fight back. I loved it as it was where all my friends would be because my family were very church-orientated. We used to fuck around constantly and it was pretty entertaining, so all in all i can remember it as a fairly interesting time. What drove me mad was having to learn at the speed of everyone else as i was already 2 years ahead in my understanding and bored with the little exercises, so i just looked at the pretty girls instead. It has ifs place, but i have huge issues regarding about when we shoudl place religious thoughts in children’s heads. I’m in favour of saying that religion is choice for adults over 18 who have the capacity to understand what they believe in and have had the chance to evaluate and question why they believe what they do.

Do you wear a lot of black?
I’d love to say no, but the truth is that i wear more dark than light as its business standard. My skin is pale these days so black doesn’t work too well (my colour is dark blue). I’m no goth, however. My socks are always black, my coat is very dark, my bag is black and boxers are often dark too. People say i always look formal but my god if only they knew, as i’m such a fucking mess. If i’ve eaten a load of choc fudge cake with zair in the week, a black shirt is a great choice as it helps slim down those all too prominent love handles, but thankfully i put weight on and off equally as quickly.

Did you ever bring a weapon to school?
Loads of them. Sometimes we bought them from shops, sometimes we made them. It started with bangers/firecrackers from France that we’d throw into classrooms whilst lessons were going on, then moved onto black widow catapults to smash holes in windows and then rapidly progressed on to home made explosives in the later years. We used to design bombs that could be hidden in everyday objects like a cigarrette packet and fired fireworks horizontally at each other like we were using rocket launchers. Between doing that and smoking cigarrettes we would stab each other in the hand with compass needles and cut each others arms up with stanley knives.

Have you ever hugged a tree?
Not as such, but i did chain myself to a tree for the hell of it in my teens during the Newbury bypass protest. Don’t get me wrong as i didn’t give a fuck about the bypass. I only went for the rioting, as i did during the May Day chaos. At one point it was scary as people starting chucking petrol bombs at the police and catapulting very big stones. Definitelty loads of fun, and we can only be thankful nobody filled up the molotovs with rubber bands as it could have been a hell of a lot worse than it was. Having a best mate whose dad was a gunsmith was pretty cool too. Aaah and we listened to The Levellers too…

Do you know what the sphincter actually is?
Yes i do, as i’m an A-grade biology student, but this is a trick question. A sphincter is a type of circular muscle that constricts and expands to create a natural body plug for liquids and solids in a tube, not just one particular muscle in your ass. You have a sphincter in your eye, in your mouth, your stomach, your bladder and other places.

Describe your hair?
Uncontrollable. Lacking any particular style. Dry and thick. Occasionally spiked with gel and/or wax. Unmanageable. Sometimes frizzy with natural waves. Receding slightly from stress. Medium brown to albany tone, with many split ends. My hair needs a hedge trimmer to be styled properly and my hairdresser (art director at Toni&Guy daaaaahling) is forever lecturing me about it. He wants to put in blond tips next time apparently, although i have my reservations.

Are you a wildebeast?
You mean of the Connochaetes taxonomy/genus? I’m a male homo sapiens unfotunately. Although i remember being charged by a whole herd of those bastard things in Kenya when i decided to pop over and give one of them a friendly stroke. If i ever see another one i’m going for the elephant gun.

Do you like to have fun?
No i hate it. Its disgusting and horrible. It makes me feel sick and you shouldn’t be doing it. It all depends on what you do to have fun. Like Richard Branson, i fun business fun, but what turns me on is new ideas and new concepts that are innovative and interesting. Conversation and flirting is fun for me, as is writing. Fun is doing stupid things for no reason, or dangerous things to feel close enought to death to realise how alive you are. Sometimes i play golf to relax, sometimes i play guitar, go for a walk to get lost in nature, or go to a gig and adsorb the music and atmosphere. Fun for me is winding up the crowd when i give a speech, ruining the plans of someone i dislike, enjoying fine food in find restaurants and being swept away by the romance of it. So count me out of the [i love drinking i love my mates and i party all the time] category please. It doesn’t do enough for me as i need stimulation. Right now i’m learning magic and rocketry.

Do you like drama?
Oh yes, i’m an addict. But the drama i like is of the intellectual genre, rather than the whingeing 14-year old attention-seeking kind. Drama brings out life in all its volour and glory; it illustrates the madness and complexity of this life and all its nuances. It helps us understand ourselves, tell stories and learn lessons. Its a tool of expression that can be nuclear in the right context and tasteless in the wrong one. Life is very dramatic. Its only that in the West we live in a coma perpetuated by consumer apathy and listlessness. Life is brutal and beautiful thing thats lived everywhere else but in our comfortable, warm little bubble over here where everything is sterilised and compartmentalised.

Have you ever taken a bong hit?
Oh my god, i’ve smoked from every kind of bong imaginable. We got so far into it that we made our own range, and they really were imaginative. The trick was to use diamond-headed drill pieces to go through coloured glass bottles and think of ideas when you were stoned. One of all time favourites was a row of 5 Jack Daniels bottles connected together through 3 metres of rubber piping on a wooden plank a metre long. After we found a way to use a 5 litre bottle of mineral water there was no stopping us. We even ade one out of a huge green wheelie bin once and also used fresh fruit to filter the smoke when we could. The craziest was one that involved the tube being inside a very personal part of a girl’s anatomy. The most intense was an uber-bong we called the killer. it was a spiralling set of tube pipes leading into a glass bowl filled with half a litre of poppers (amyl nitrite, or liquid gold). That was beyond evil. No-one survived it.

Are you afraid to die?
No, as apparently its a lot more peaceful than we think it is. But saying that, my fear is that i’ll die not having done all the things i need to. If i go early i won’t get the chance to finish it all or live to see it realised because it needs me to be there to make it happen. In a few weeks i have to have a medical for investors and redo my will. My self-destructive urge was so great that a lot of people openly said in public that they didn’t think i’d see my 17th birthday. But i don’t think worrying or thinking about death is a bad thing at all as its the only certainty in life. Thinking about it reminds us that we need to live as fully as we can.

Have you ever peed your pants as an adult?
if i have i don’t remember it. I can’t imagine this ever happening in other situations other than being terrified or being so drunk you lose control over all your faculties. Although i’m reliably informed quite a few of my female friends have had a dribble accidentally when they’ve laughed too hard. Eww.

Have you ever thrown up on somebody as an adult?
I can honestly say i haven’t, but i’ve been tempted to. I’m like the guy in the film Seven, who pukes on someone from being so sick of listening to their superficial bullshit. In fact i told the cab driver today that if he dared charge me over a fiver after being 20mins late i’d have to throw up in his back seat. Luckily he found it funny, but he was also a useless cock. The only times i’ve thrown up recently have been through sickness. I had that winter vomiting virus thing it was horrid. I’d take it over diarrhoea any day though as its quite funny sometimes.

Are you an adult?
Mentally or physically? I am in the legal definition of the word, although many religions maintain the belief that you don’t become one until after your 30th birthday, which is a curious but telling wisdom. I’m a strange mix as in some respects i have the innocence of a child, whereas i often feel older than our grey-haired friends in the home. I certainly feel the weight of the world more than any adult i know, and i end up lecturing my parents and have done since i was small. I’m blessed with a very natural insight which i enjoy because it comes in handy all the time. Some people never truly grow up: a lot more than we realise. For them the office is school and relationships are like the ones they had in the playground.

Do you think you have a good handle on spelling?
Oh yes, and i was a champion speller in little school. My mistakes come from my brain working 20x faster than my hands on the keyboard, and as for handwriting forget it as i can’t remember how to do it anymore. The main issue i see with people and their spelling problems is that they spell phonetically, which means they try to write it as they hear themselves say it out loud. They type it as they hear it said, but the way we say things is different to the way we write them (add to that regional dialects etc) so it needs to be visual.

Do you ever eat because your depressed?
Well i suffer from depression and my medication slows my metabolism and makes me crave sweet things, if that counts? Sugar makes you feel good but traps you in a vicious cycle, and hungeris a natural pain that feels godo to satisfy, so i can understand why people do it. What i don’t get is 25 fatties stuffing pies down their neck when they know that’s the reason they’re bulging at the seams in the first place. Put the fucking fork down. How can the source of anxiety be the daviour and relief of it?

Are you a television addict?:
I work in TV and have it on all day, but i’m not an addict. I absolutly *hate* reality TV and pretentious crap made by insular production people. What you being to see if that they only hang around with the other people in their industry and don’t welcome additions to their little clique. So that makes them make TV for each other and surprise surprise its a load of crap constructed of injokes that the general public don’t get. The other problem is no-one takes any risks any more and its all about making money rather than doing great pioneering television. The golden days are gone forever and we are left with Celebrity Love Island. I’m an addict of what TV could be if you let me go ahead and do it.

Do you think O.J. is guilty?:
Guilty as fucking sin.

Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?
My mum is a totally neurotic, emotional, anxious lunatic who changes her opinions, principles and thoughts with her mood and the weather. She drives me fucking mad. I love her dearly but she’s stabbed me in the back so many time that there’s no room to place another knife and i see her in me as i wear my heart on my sleeve. I hate the fact she continually forgives my heroin addict stepfather and can’t seem to control herself when she’s emotional in any way. Saying that, i’m also proud of her for starting her company and being strong enough to get through what she has. But do i like spending time with her? In small doses.

Do you enjoy watching animals “do it” on the Discovery channel?
Yeah it makes me hot. All that zebra on zebra action! Sex is so incredibly bizarre and you have to wonder what we’d think about it if we didn’t feel lust and get caught up in the heat of it all. Nature designed it to be atractive and pleasureable so we could pass on our genes as widely as possible, but its just so silly. As Samuel Johnson so wisely said, the expense is damnable, the position is ridiculous, and the pleasure fleeting.

Ever been hit on at a zoo?
If being pinned against a wall by an overly-horny girlfriend counts, then yes. Something about the smell of hay and outdoor cages seemed to grasp her attention and make her compelled to express her amor. I wouldn’t normally complain but we were at an interesting exhibit and i was trying to listen to the keeper at the time. Maybe it was because i was more interested in that than i was in her. But then again i can find the most utterly boring things fascinating and spend many hours explaining why in a very animated fashion. They get it eventually.

Does your mom think someones hot?
I shudder to think. God knows what she saw in my stepdad, other than another poor helpless victim to rescue. My mum’s only comment on the nutters my sister goes out with (Marcos excluded as he’s cool) is that they have a nice face. But she also gets very embarassed when we talk about sex and has to interrupt us and lecture that it must be in the context of a loving relationship because sleeping with someone means you are soul-bonded for eternity as one flesh. The woman is off her head. I’d like to think she was just a normal woman, but everything points to the opposite.

Are you a sugar freak?
Totally. My weakness is chocolate twists and choc muffins from Costa, along with Mochaccinos. I have sugar in my coffee, i have a massively sweet tooth and i’m dreadful when it comes to restraint in that regard. Give me sugar and caffeine and its game over for you. I could survive on Kit Kats, aero bars and plain chocolate digestives. Heaven for me is a sweet shop, like the one we set up in school to rival the official tuck shop and put out of business. My first venture, and we were profitable in 2 days before we were shut down 3 weeks later. Our success was mainly due our stock being property stolen from the newsagent though.

When you hear a knock on the door, do you think “Oh shit, is that the cops?”
Nope, but my dad does since his house got raided for drugs at 4am after i was arrested when i was 19. I got pulled over at 2am off my face on coke and arrested for having a stolen road sign in the boot and a spliff butt in the ashtray, and locked in a cell overnight. They smashed down the door, consfiscated chemistry lab equipment, songbooks withs references to drugs and 3 bin liners of so called questionable material that they had to give back later. There was a day when i was the police’s no1 target, but i’m friends with them all now, which is very strange. Tell someone that now, and they can’t believe it.

Ever been arrested?
In double figures. I’ve been arrested and then de-arrested straight afterwards, been beaten up in police cells by the coppers themselves, had to bribe my way out of jail and god knows what else. I have a string of criminal convictions for pitifully minor offences, none against people. I got so good at it that i learned how to undo the handcuffs, smuggle things into cells with me and defend myself in court. The Hants police are county mounties that developed a dislike of my arrogance and smartass mouth, so i got heavily persecuted and found out about corruption the hard way.

Ever commit a crime and gotten away with it, like O.J. did?
Yep, but thats all i’m saying about it. There are plenty of crimes i’d like to be able to get away though. For example, killing and disfiguring the list of individuals i don’t believe deserve to live, punching megaphone guy who spends all day shouting religious damnation to passer-bys in picadilly, stealing the billions back from the banks that they rob from ordinary people, blowing up parliament in disgust at ID cards, running a business empire as an unstoppable monopoly, selling weed on the high street like a Starbucks, the list goes on…

Do you like orange juice?:
With lemonade and some ice, its my regular drink. Very good for vitamin C too.

What sign are you?
Sagittariius, the wise philosopher and travelling clown. From what i remember i have my moon in Capricorn and Venus in Scorpio (good in business and very emotional in love). And i’m a very typical one, even physically. People call me a genius yet i can’t find my keys, remember the date or cook a basic meal. We’re explosively passionate, scatty, good-natured, warm, free spirited and care more for the bigger picture than the details. Also the luckiest sign in the zodiac and have a knack of getting out of things and licing in a way most people can only dream of. I’m told i’m most compatible with other fire signs like Aries and Leo, which is curious as most of my friends are. The other good ones are aquarius, libra andtaurys or something.

Where do you wish you were right now?
In bed spooning with Marge, and kissing her on the back of the neck incredibly lightly to say goodnight.