“The heart has reason that reason knows not of” (“Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point.”)
From Pensées, by Blaise Pascal
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There is an irony in 2 important women in my life telling me that I think with my heart in favour of my head. All the women Ive ever known have been ruled by their heart, and its been the men who are cold, hard and logical. I’m a bizarre mixture of 2 very opposite people. My mum is a chaotic emotional mess whose heart is not just on her sleeve, its on every fucking part of her body like an ugly tattoo. But my dad is the opposite. Hes cold, indifferent, uninterested and totally unable to deal with any emotion other than anger. That might go some way to explaining why I swing so violently between the extremes.

We talk in so many ways about the sources of our feelings and thoughts. We have our brain, mind, heart, soul, intuition, gut and for men, their dick. A lot of business literature theorises that 90% of our decision is emotional, and we use intellect and reason to justify it as the remaining 10%. That may be true, but human interaction is just too complex for anything to be a simple formula. The reality is that we use a combination of all of them at different stages. We use them to pick up signals and the context and circumstances change. Its a bit like people saying we only use 10% of our brain capacity, which of course means the person claiming that has a 90% chance of being wrong.

I have never thought of myself as a heart person, but I guess I must be if everyone keeps pointing it out. Ive always been spontaneous and reckless, thats for sure. Highly strung and emotional, yes, although Ive done my best to cover it up and stuff it all down for the best part of 2 decades. Expressing feelings is an alien concept to me, and its something Ive needed to address for a very long time. I cant handle them, and I don’t know what to do with them. I haven’t the faintest idea. I don’t know what they are in the first place when they happen, and all I can do is grit my teeth and pull in my chest.

Im naturally a very nervy guy. My mum says that Ive always paced around like a caged lion and the only thing that could calm me down was momentum (i.e. knowing I was going somewhere, like being on a train or in a car). In fact, she continually repeats. I flinch a lot. I dont like people in my personal space and although Im an affection person, I don’t like you touching me. I wont kiss you on the cheek like youll kiss me. I want to but dont really know how and cant extend myself to do it. Ill probably just shake your hand and keep my distance. You have to be strong to deal with me like and just override me. If I care for you, Ill let you do it, and if I don’t, youll quick realise it.’

Emma says that its always all or never for me, or now or never. Its always urgent and I have to have it now. I rush in. Lisa says I forget my head. I probably do. Im an intense and passionate person and life for me isnt something that can wait. I want it all now and I want it bad. I want it more than you do, and thats how Ive always stayed ahead of the pack. But the other coin face of my indulgence is selfishness. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I want that I forget the other people involved. Its like an intoxication that floods me with desire, but one that also drives me to achieve all the things I have.

Cheesy phrases like life is short and carpe diem have become crass now in our modern age of advanced medicine and consumerism. We all think were going to live forever, and these idioms emerged in the days when the average life expectancy was half of what it is now. Wars meant young men rarely lived into their twenties, and indeed, Alexander The Great conquered a quarter of the known world by the time he was that age. Wisdom requires years of experience, but none of the greatest things in history were ever achieved by people who assumed there was always another day when they could get it done.

A lot of it comes from self-employment. You learn very quickly that if you want something done, you cant rely on anyone else to even do it in the first place, let alone do it properly. Everything you want done has to be done by you, and its the reason a lot of people who own companies are control freaks who cant let go and insist on micro-managing every little thing at a granular level. Entrepreneurialism means you naturally spot opportunities and want to make them happen. That requires speed and flexibility.

But more that that, for me its a spiritual concern. I truly believe life is short and I don’t have much left. In fact, I have a countdown I keep running to remind that I have to be as good a person as I can, and do as much as I can so the people I love can have what they want. Life for me is a few decades and no more. Something terrible could happen that left me unable to do all the things I want to, even if it sent me down a different path to do different things. Whats meant for me wont pass me by, but every second is a gift. Every moment is a potential memory to cherish and everything could be better. Every day is an opportunity for us to do something amazing.

And once that second has passed, it has passed forever. We cant get it back. Its gone. No more. Never again. Its lost in the ether of history with every other missed opportunity. Life for me is urgent. There are so many times in my past that I wished I had acted on my impulse or done something I didnt do then. Its not regret per se, but rather a welcome aggravation that reminds me that life is precious and cant be taken for granted. One day things can be one way, and then the sun rises and everything can be different. Everything can change in a day.

If I dont kiss you now, I may never get the chance later. Too much water may pass under the bridge for us to be in this moment again. The seconds are passing as I write this, and I cant get them back. My diary fills up in advance so fast that I barely have the time to decide what to do for myself. The world has its way with us all whether we like it or not. Shit happens. Life happens. We dont get the chance to do what we want to, when we want to, as life interrupts. Schedules are fickle things that are so sensitive to disruption. We cant rely on having another chance.

And thats the reason Ill turn come to Scunthorpe when you want me to, even it its late at night when I have work the next day, or when Ive only just left. Even its ridiculous or crazy. Because I may never get that moment again, and it could be amazing. I could miss out on what is meant for me. The exact combination of everything at play at that exact millisecond will never occur again, like the position of the stars or the atoms that make up the surroundings. You’re so precious that I cant bear to miss a thing, even the tiniest feelings, words and atmosphere.

I live and work with the end in mind. What I do every day makes us what people will say at my funeral. I see where I want to be at the end, visualise it as realistically as possible and then everything naturally gravitates in that direction from that point on.

Is there anything more than the heart? Should we try to be people of reason? Is there anything more important? The greatest works of art were inspired by and driven by the heart. Impulsively following your urges has produced even accidents that were world-changing. Arguably the most wonderful and moving things in the whole world are those we feel with the heart. No-one is saying it should act alone, but the wisdom is when to know when to follow it or allow it to be moderated by the head.

How many people would be doing their boring 9 to 5 offices jobs if they followed their hearts and did what they really wanted to do, rather than what they feel into to pay the bills? Do people follow their dreams with their mind? Was it Shakespeare’s mind that led him to write The Tragedy Of Romeo & Juliet? Was it Eric Clapton’s mind that inspired him to write Tears In Heaven? Is your mind that feels that way when they tell you they love you? If they were sensible, they would just calm down and deal with it differently.

Fuck reason, and fuck being sensible. A life of that is a slow death. At least with the heart you have stories, even if some of them are painful to recount.

And lets be honest and not lie. Lets not moderate the truth as we moderate our decisions and behaviour. It feels fucking amazing. Living for right now is about the most amazing feeling in the world. Breaking out of the routine and going into the unknown is an incredible journey that makes the blood rise, the hairs stand up on the back of your neck and every nerve in your body tingle. Its exciting. Its fun. It feels natural. We may be designed for cyclical routine, but were not designed for sensibility other than that of our own survival. Breaking out means challenging ourselves and becoming better and stronger. Its healthy to risk and take chances that open us up to the wonderful diversity life and abundance of opportunity we may have become too glazed over to see.

Failure is about whether you get up on the horse again once youve fallen off. Believing and faith is about having the strength of character and defiant belief in the good to carry on. Its why I blindly persevere and keep on doing on silly things like surprising people by turning up unannounced or paying for everything when nobody expects me to. Its why I tell you that I love you that one more time when Ive already told you twenty times before. You have to keep knocking until someone hears and lets you in. You need to know that last inch of yourself, and as Jim Morrison so wisely said, its only when you stare at your own death that you truly feel alive. The razors edge may be deadly, but there is no boredom or compromise there.

Let me be clear though that just because Im advocating the heart, it doesnt mean Im condoning being stupid. Love makes fools of us all, and there are times when being rational does help. Situations of that nature include obsession, stalking and other pursuits where you are out of touch with reality. Im saying that taking a risk is healthy and essential, and we are spiritual creatures for whom the heart is a barometer of sorts that brings out the best and worst of us. We love and kill for the heart, and the world is changed through feelings that stem from it. Businesses profit from manipulating it, and it defines almost our entire perception of the world around us.

Who knows what will happen in the future? Do we really need to know? Is it more exciting to know the ending? Those bright lights in the tunnel could be the headlights of an incoming train, but for that moment youre alive. Nobody who has ever given their all to something has ever regretted it. It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. A life of misery can be made everything from having just a year where the heart loved. A second of joy can be analgesia for the long hours of emptiness that follow it. You have to put your hand near the flames to feel the heat when youre out in the cold.

As Bill Hicks said, its all a ride. So many prophets and wise men have come to us and tried to tell us that. And our response was to kill them all. Life is a journey, not a destination, whether you think its predestined or not. How and when we get there doesnt matter, only that were with each other on the journey. All that matters is youre holding my hand, because then Ill know well make it.

Em, lets go for it.