A strange thing about speeches is that you end up learning a lot more about yourself than you about the issues or the audiences. And of course you meet a lot of interesting people who pick up what you say and offer their own viewpoints in response which bring you to a deeper understanding. I’ve done a lot of them in the last year or so and been lucky enough to have had a phenomenal response to each. I’m getting pretty good at it too. I’ve been trying new things each time, trying to find my niche and what kind of delivery suits me best.

Today was very different and very strange.

I was the last (headline) speaker at an industry event in Brighton this morning, which was held in the ballroom of a hotel and consisted of just over 700 people. All the heads of all the main media cavalry were there, including Orange, Haymarket, Guardian Media Group, Channel 4, MSN, Virgin, AOL and bizarrely, MySpace. The morning was just one of those ridiculous carry-ons where i forgot everything and was one step away from chaos. Sound checking first thing isn’t my idea of fun. Normally then I’d be head deep in coffee explaining why I can..t go on.

Naturally, being the highly organised consummate professional I am, I only wrote the speech last night, hadn’t rehearsed it at all, barely got my presentation over in time, had no background on who was attending, was dressed casually, arrived later than expected and was about as unprepared as you can get. Ad hoc doesn’t quite do it justice. Total, utter horrendous mess, more like. Just my style. Raw. Passionate. Ready to rock. Feeling like death, but happy to sacrifice my last 2 joules of energy for the greater cause before collapsing in a small untidy heap.

The romantic amongst would say that this is what happens when Emma decides to seclude herself away from me and the effects ripple to paralyse my delicate mojo. That, of course, is balls. I survive perfectly well without her. OK, I..m lying. She..s a pretty useful adrenaliniser if I need a push. I just imagine her sitting there in the front row with a suggestive look on her face, and it..s pretty easy to get in ass-kicking testosterone charisma mode.

Occasionally I go for the serious approach. I’ve done corporate, provocative, downright offensive, jovial, reflective, but today was something else. It was religious in tone. I noticed it and so did the audience, and it was automatic. Traditionally I just turn up, get warmed up with a video or two and then let it flow from there, so where it ends up can be a number of different places. A few times there have been standing ovations, but mostly I get a damned good round of applause. The approval ratings have so far been above 90%. It..s not your average powerpoint pitch.

I did a lot of the usual pitter-patter, but something happened around a third of the way through. A new voice broke out in me I hadn’t heard or seen before. I was louder, more calm and more profound. I have a good knack of being able to command attention in a group of people, but this was something else. There were Tony Blair-style gaps, politician hand movements and a very strange atmosphere. Absolute concentration from all 700 in the room, watching my every breath. Total command. The air was electric. We were beyond technology. We were into spiritual grounds and talking to the hearts of people.

I got angrier and more passionate. My words were bouncing off the walls back at me. People sitting forward in their chairs staring at me. I was standing confidently at the podium inviting them to join me, to sacrifice, to change and to believe. I have a vision and it will be accomplished, no matter what. I was asking people to believe in that vision from their hearts and to change the world with me.

But most dramatic of all to me was that I was so calm whilst doing it. And I was calm afterward. No adrenaline, no anxiety. Totally natural. I had slotted into place, a place I had seen but not got to before. I know I’ll go there again as it’s only just the start. The door was already open and I faced no resistance. I did the job so well there were barely any questions as nobody had any doubt or disagreement. What I had painted would be. Pure strength, integrity and clarity, delivered with passion and authority.

The applause was absolutely deafening. But no adrenaline, no rush. No embarrassment or surprise. Nothing. No feelings. Not even numbness or surrealistic haze. I had done what needed to be done, nothing more. I thought I’d be feeling like a warlord screaming for vengeance to his commanders and infantry. But I was calm like you would be at home on the couch. Chaos is home for me.

And the feedback was immediate. As the conference came to a close and the last remarks were being given, people were flowing past me to comment and take my contact details. Twice the word ‘messianic’ was used. It’s a word I’ve been hearing a lot recently and been doing a lot of thinking about. I’m no messiah like Martin Luther King. I’m no prophet like Bill Hicks. I’m no visionary like Issac Newton. But people believe what they want to, and make myths and heroes out of the ordinary to satisfy their need for hope and revelation. They are painting onto me what I was supposed to be painting on to them. I’m becoming a public face for revolution.

“I look forward to joining your religious organisation soon.”
“Very messianic. Nice one. ”
“Are you going to be another David Koresh? ”
“More like a call to arms than a speech. ”
“Haven’t seen that at an industry thing before. ”
“I’m not sure what to say to be honest. Still a bit stunned. ”
“Thought we were at the Labour party conference for a minute there! ”
“Fucking amazing. Really fucking amazing. ”
“The end of the world? What i’m going to take back is that we’re ‘going to die’. ”
“Clearly a man on a mission then. Can i come? Where do we sign up? ”
“Impressively violent. Wasn’t sure whether you were angry though or just pretty passionate. ”

All absolutely 100% genuine quotes, ugly warts included.

Before you roll your eyes, it may sound fun, but believe me its not. You would think it’s a welcome luxury and a fantastic ego boost. With that kind of influence comes massive responsibility and expectation. If you fail, so does your cause and your future. You take the blame for a whole movement and can be stigmatised as well as lauded. It..s just as easy to become a villain de jour as it is flavour of the week. It can be a deadly trap that no-one will offer to get you out of for fear of their own safety. All you have to do is take one look at Tony Blair and you can see why being the face of something can be your undoing, and theirs. The packaging is a lot more attractive at times than the substance.

The more you narcissistically believe in yourself, the further you get from the people on the ground who grant you the authority in the first place. Those who have been abused either become heavily sensitive and against the misuse of power, or use it blindly as a tool for their vengeance. The cycle typically continues until you are murdered metaphorically or literally. A blessing and a curse, you might say. It’s easy to become confused and delusional. It’s easy to believe they want you and not the message. Maybe it’s both, as people respond to people. I’m not ungrateful or unwilling, just very sensitive to the potential dangers.

But this is me. This is who I am. This is part of what I am to do. I realise that now. I don..t know what it will be or what I will be fighting for, but I know where I’m going and that this is only the beginning. If I am a weapon now, then it can only mean what is to come later will be nothing short of nuclear. I’m nowhere near my peak. This is my training ground for the bigger fight. I’ve marked it for remembrance in my diary as ‘The Koresh Day’.

So in a single week, I’ve had the most amazing night of my life with the most beautiful girl I..ve ever seen, and also been hailed as the new quasi-Davidian media messiah who will go on to change the world as we know it. Not bad going for little me. Not sure I agree with the latter, and I..m sure the guys in our office would argue that it would be more appropriate to label me along the lines of a highly strung banana republic dictator. Who knows? It’s just interesting to see the way people see you, when you can’t quite see yourself. People see things in me I’ve just laughed at. I just hope I don’t disappoint them.

I’ve spent my life chasing magical spiritual moments that transcend the ordinary and affect me profoundly. Sometimes it was when I was talking to someone and the world seemed to disappear; sometimes it was playing music and getting to that place where the music takes a life of its own to be so special; sometimes it was looking in the eyes of a beautiful girl you care deeply about just before you kiss them. Those times you remember and hold onto forever. They become a myth and a fantasy that you perpetually chase, like a junkie. They are the seconds of wonder that you experience the beauty of existence for.

But I realised recently that it wasn..t other people, places or things that made the magic. It was with me all the time. I was the one who was there in each of them. I was the one who sought them out, nurtured them and led others to them. I am the source of that magic, as is everyone else. A simple thought, but a profound epiphany for me. Life is an extraordinary fairytale and movie plot when you make it and appreciate it as one. There would be no surprise birthday for Emma or rapturous speech for the audience this morning without me. If its missing from your own life it’s simply because you have to make it yourself or find it in the people around you.

Messiah? No. Genius? No. Reckless maniac who sees the world a bit differently to everyone else. Definitely. Potential car crash in slow motion? Possibly. Infamous reputation? Increasingly. Good PR? Certainly.

The time is coming when I will need to be this man. You would have contributed and made him what he is. The smallest gestures could have changed the world. A pound in change here or a supportive slap on the back there. A kiss in the darkness or a smile in the morning. Every one of you has made me who I am in some way. That..s who I truly owe this to and whose it is. This will be to you, and for you. You are not insignificant, unimportant, irrelevant or powerless. Those 2 seconds you don..t remember you gave me are in every word, every action and every thought. Who you were made all the difference.

Just take care of me afterwards when they have what they want, and all I see is my world falling apart in front of me. It..s only in the darkness that you notice the light.

More thoughts later I think. Privacy, freedom of speech and that Jamie Bulger bulletin that everyone keeps posting relentlessly. Going to go into sexual abuse soon too, and start saying some of the unspeakable. Its time now.