I hate South West Trains. No really, I fucking hate them. I hate them so much that I went to court with them today in Wimbledon, and will be back in 2 weeks again to sue them in the same place.

In March, I jumped on the train without a ticket, like I often do, assuming I would be able to buy a ticket on the train itself from the guard or at the station, as a lot of people do. Some jobsworth tosser decided he wanted to fine me instead of selling me a simple £2.70 ticket from Waterloo. As you can imagine, I wasn’t best pleased.

So I refused, and tore up the ticket in front of him.

Fast forward a few months, and lo behold I get a letter from SWT telling me to pay the fine. Lots of phone calls and letters later, I told them I wouldn’t be paying, ever, and I’d see them in court. And I did. I warned them that if they wanted to play the racketeering game that I’d counter sue. And so it went that I have.

To cut a long story short, the case went to trial and I pleaded not guilty (no, not because of temporary insanity) on the basis the law itself was unreasonable, the paperwork was flawed and I wasn’t going to be pushed around. Almost everyone attempted to persuade me to go with guilty and just take the fine as I didn’t stand a chance. Both prosecutors were hilarious. Apparently nobody has ever done it before and most people don’t even bother to turn up in the first place.

Its not even a proper law. It’s a bye-law, which is basically an arbitrary rule made up by train companies that is given authority by the Transport and Railways Act. Its rare these things even make it to a court. Technically breaking them doesn’t mean you have actually done anything illegal, only that you have behaved “unlawfully”. Fuck that. Just because a law is in place doesn’t make it right or reasonable.

But they didn’t get it all. Its about the principle. Don’t threaten me. Today I wrecked the entire management team’s day. Everyone on that station office had their day wasted and were put to task in the court dock. Fuck them. It was a dead cert that I’d be found guilty, so the main problem was how much they’d fine me. The court costs (plus my own legal fees) could have run into thousands of pounds. I was expecting around £1,500, but I didn’t care simply as I wanted to set the courtroom on fire and give them a damned good roasting.

I would have paid ten times that just to say FUCK YOU. Even for £2.70. And I will do it again the next time some fuckhead decides they want to ride me like a bitch. And again and again after that too. As you can probably tell, there’s no need for me to be held in contempt of court, simply as I’ve already decided I personally hold them in contempt as they simply fucking useless and unbalanced.

So I took some time to hang out in the courtroom beforehand so I could get the lay of the land and figure out how to play it. Over an hour I watched the worst that South London has to offer be told they would have £5.60 a week deducted from their benefits to pay their fines, and also how the CSA try to imprison men who look after their children financially but refuse to pay money into their ex-partner’s bank account. Every person up on the stand got a 5 minute lecture and telling off after they were told what to do.

I get in, swear my oath and immediately start tearing into everyone. I have a pile of notes and look really fucking pissed off. You have to call these upstanding community volunteers “Your Worship”, in the same way you address a judge as “Your Honour” whilst they wear a wig and get to call themselves “Justice Smith” or whatever. You can be fucked if I’m going to worship you or make it sound like that.

Head magistrate:

Her: I saw you over there in the corner. Why were you in the courtroom so early?
Me: Curiosity, Your Worship. I’m very interested in what goes on in here.
Her: Learning and adsorbing, weren’t you?
Me: Yes, Your Worship.
Her: And what did you learn?
Me: Probably a lot more than you expected I might have, and a lot less than I’d hoped.

Cue two hours of quite vicious rounds of cross examination, with both me and the prosecutor interrupting each other relentlessly. The guard, his manager and the SWT rep got torn to bits personally and professionally. Every detail, every omission and every point was savaged until people got irritated with the minutiae. The prosecutor thought he had it stitched up in 3 sentences. But unfortunately for him, it took him 2 hours of fierce arguing just to get to finish defending SWT itself.

I’m not really doing it justice. I went fucking mental. For a £2.70 ticket.

The magistrates left the room (”adjourned” in legal parlance) to discuss amongst themselves. Quite an achievement considering I was guilty as sin and had little defence under the bye law so there shouldn’t have been any need for it.. The whole room was very eerily silent – it began as a real joke to most of them but the whole argument steadily drew people in until they were going at it too. The frustration on everyone’s face was hilarious. Most of them were staring in disbelief as I was there about a stupid bye-law and not even because the court was trying to enforce a fine, as they had being doing with all the other cases that day.

Short story, they found me guilty, as expected. Bastards. I was guilty though. Technically speaking, anyway. As far as I was concerned I was innocent. But that’s another story, clearly. I’d rather be guilty of a stupid pointless and unreasonable law than not guilty of a fair one.

I’m paraphrasing here, but the head bitch’s closing address was really rather apt and moving. I can’t remember all of it exactly.

Mr Cameron. As the prosecution pointed out, you are clearly a highly intelligent man, and there is no doubt that you feel extremely passionately. You have argued passionately and are clearly extremely persuasive. I think I speak for everyone in this court today when I say it has been a strange afternoon. What would seem to have been a simple case has become a cause. From what I understand this case had been allocated..¦

.. ten minutes, but has lasted two hours. We all seem to be sitting in the same silence. I think that, again, I speak for everyone when it seemed a little strange for you to plead not guilty to an offence against a bye law of which you yourself admitted you broke, in fact, some might say it is flippant and amusing. But we stand here now in absolute seriousness which I admit I find difficult to understand. I admire your passion and your intellect, and I understand that you have contested this case on principle. I also see that you are bringing counter action against South West Trains on the basis of loss of earnings. Today’s proceedings will obviously affect that case.

etc etc.

Don’t pay a whole lot of attention to the “intelligent” comment, as intelligent to a magistrate is being able to spell your own name and fill in a basic form. Basic literacy is a miraculous work of genius in their context. Highly intelligent means you display basic skills of logic and reasoning that allow you the ability to work out how to use a knife and fork.
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I got £50 for being naughty, had to give the prosecution £100 for their costs, and had to pay the £2.70. Being a gentleman I settled there and then, but I will be fucking claiming it back. There will be no end for them until they give in and decide its not worth fighting me. That fucking guard will think twice next time he sees me too. If he does it again, I’m going to go straight up the scale to actual bodily harm and crack his nose open.

Her: Have you anything to say?
Me: (Under my breath: Fuck you). I would do it all again Your Worship, and although I respect the court’s decision I absolutely, categorically disagree. How would you like the £2.70? Do you accept credit card, cheque, or should I just give you the cash now? Do you have change for a £5 note?

The £5 note comment didn’t go down too well. I was already fucked, so it didn’t care. Diplomacy has never been my forte.

I didn’t get the telling off at the end, as the atmosphere was very strange and eerie, and the only way I can describe it was to say it was “dark”. I don’t think they get a lot of people like me in there. I don’t think they get many people who are as aggressive and passionate in there at all.

And I really would do it all again. These people mean absolutely nothing to me, and in fact, I hold the company, the court and everyone involved in complete contempt.

Have I learned my lesson? Have I fuck.