Its scorching hot, and i’m restless for some reason. The sun brings out a bizarre indifferent side of mine as i really just haven’t given a fuck lately. I still don’t. I’m not even confused any more, i just don’t care. It feels rather good. Fuck all y’all.

So last year around this exact time i wrote that everyone seems to split up in the spring. From memory, i counted 7 couples i knew that bit the dust. And guess what? Its happening again this year at exactly the same time. Naturally being me, i decided to investigate, because i’m curious like that and need to contribute to my unenviable stack of useless information already in my head. There has to be something to it as it can’t be coincidence.

The key is that its always the girls doing the questioning and splitting. The guys just carry on as normal as if nothing is wrong. If anything, they are more flirtacious.

Spring is the season change where the old is replaced by the new and the world turns over. It would easy to say its just part of the natural order of the planet that we act in accordance with, but we’re not automatons that follow our surroundings. Something happens in the mind of women when the sunshine first hits where they reconsider who they are with, why they are with them and whether it might be time for a change. Official police reports indicate that crime goes up noticeably on a full moon, as oceanic tides do. We’re not islands. The cynical would say they’re changing the guard in order to have someone better for summer.

Being hormonal creatures, its interesting to see how the menstrual cycle affects a girl’s behaviour too. When they’re ovulating, they’re more active, flirtacious, energetic and horny; the week before, they are crazily emotional and starving hungry with PMS; when they’re on, they’re bloated, anxious and generally unsure. I’m stunned sometimes by how friends of mine can be several different people and its all so unconcious that they only realise when their mood changes.

It turns out that its actually a lot simpler than that, and to do with Darwinian natural selection. A human baby takes 9 months to gestate and 20 years to mature, which means its important that its immediate survival once born is safeguarded. A child born in the warm months of spring or summer has a much better chance of survival than if it was born in the colder months of Autumn and Winter, where food is also more scarce. The statistics confirm that more are born in the former than the latter. Birthdays are often clustered around then also.

If it takes 9 months, winter and spring are the worst time to conceive a child because it will have less of a chance of survival. This stuff is build into our nature and genetics. Spring is the time when we change mates and do other things, re-working our lives in order with the season and searching out new partner to bear offspring with. Late summer, Autumn and Winter are when we conceive children so they are born the next year into warm months. Either that or women really are selfish, hypocritical and cynical to choose partners for summer like they shop for handbags and shoes.

So that takes care of that, or rather gives us a nice insight into why so much separation and relationship change occurs around now. The next thing that is very bizarre is what i’ve come to name the 6-month madness. This again is a female-only phenomenon, and if you look around you’ll see it everywhere you go.

Guys may get the 7-year itch when they’re married, but girls go inexplicably crazy about 6 months into a relationship. Yes, you do. No, i repeat, you are not different, you do it as well. Ye, it is a generalisation, but isn’t everything? Including that last sentence?

Us chaps with our Y chromosome all know too well that in every girl there is an emotional storm or hidden bunny-boiler just waiting for the chance to appear in an Exorcist-style fury. Girls do things that we just don’t understand at all and freak out about things we don’t see. They worry, panic, get insecure, rage, resent and seethe beneath the surface and are constantly wanting to be the first thought on a guy’s mind as they know men’s eyes and crotches wander all too easily.

When you first get into a relationship, you’re in the shag-like-rabbits honeymoon stage and just figuring each other out, and your girl is on her best behaviour trying to be girlfriend of the year. She’s comparing herself to your ex, making herself out to be everything you could ever need or want and trying to be someone she thinks you want her to be. Us guys are so high on testosterone that we hardly even notice for our lust and enjoyment of the cutesy-rosey feeling of the hot chick who really digs us.

Then the 6-month mark comes, and all hell breaks loose. Its a critical point as you’re going from seeing each other to being in something more long term. Your girl suddenly lets it all go and stops holding back. All at once. The questioning starts, doubts arise, insecurities creep in and that’s it. You’re sitting there wondering what the hell she’s been smoking that’s made the sex goddess you hooked up with turn into the paranoid wreck checking your phone, getting annoyed when she’s not the centre of your world, and starting to get through her list of complaints that’s been building for the past few months. The little things you do turn into big things in her mind, and its time for domestic duties. You’re left dealing with the mess the last guy left.

And yes, you have done this, and probably are even now. I can name 5 friends off the cuff in the midst of this craziness as i write it, and its because of talking to them that i’m talking about it. Its natural i guess, although the part we don’t tend to understand is the sudden and savage intensity of it Girls can’t be absurdly dramatic at the best of times, and then cold as stone the next day. What’s on their heart and in their ovaries is on their sleeve whether they like it or not. That’s fine. Being an emotional nutcase isn’t.

We don’t care about you being the perfect girl, and you’re perfect just the way you are. We like your ugly moments because they make you, you, and it means we can be close to you because you are as human as we are. We know you’re nuts and do irrational things, which is why we are cool, distant and generally indifferent because we’re expecting it and its the only way you can survive the hormonal onslaught that is a woman’s daily routine. We’re simple creatures and that confuses you - you don’t get why we’re the same all the time when you’re up and down.

Just stop questioning it and calm the fuck down.