They say Bill Clinton is the most charismatic politician of our century – not only is he the highest paid and most requested speaker on the after-dinner speech circuit, he is able to command a nation without even being president. Those who know him testify to that when he walks into a room, everyone is immediately distracted and drawn to him just from him coming through the door. He doesn’t have to say or do anything at all other than just stand there. When he talks to you, his eyes light up and he makes you feel like the only person in the world, the most special and important human being that’s ever been born and almost high from the attention he pays you. Everyone who has ever met him has said that his prescence and charisma is more than extraordinary, it’s almost supernatural.

I’m no Bill Clinton, so let’s get that out of the way. Before I write any more, let me make it clear that this isn’t a load of paragraphs about how great I am. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I know I’m charismatic, have the gift of the gab and have the x-factor. I’ve been told it all my life although I still can’t see it. Jason once introduced me to a group of people saying “this is Alex, he’s the most amazing person you will ever meet”. Flattering, but absurd. It’s nice to have people say things like that, but it creates a trap for you to fall into. Amanda told me once I do this “thing” that instantly charms anyone, but to this day she won’t reveal what it is. The gift i see myself having is the one for self-publicity.

But being lucky enough to be blessed with some charm and appeal isn’t as much of a blessing as it first appears. When you make everyone feel special, no-one feels special.

I spend a lot of time in Westminster so I know how politicians work first-hand, and you have to learn to deal with them as they are quite extraordinary characters with very slippery means and machinations. I first experienced the charisma and cunning charm a politician speaks with in Africa when I met the mother of a girl we knew who ran an Internet café in Kampala. She was a university student in England, but the very wealthy daughter of the Foreign Minister. I was explaining a very difficult and irritating situation to her and her diplomacy made me feel instantly at ease, warm and charmed and relieved that she completely supported me.

Until I realised she couldn’t actually care less and didn’t agree with me at all. The feeling she gave me was very different to what she thought. I wasn’t bitter, I was fascinated. You can see it in all of them – watch for when they claim to completely agree with something, and then proceed afterwards to explain why the person is utterly wrong. You are so caught up in being flattered and agreed with that you are misdirected from the immediate hatchet job they’re doing on you whilst you look on none the wiser.

Now I am an atrocious flirt. I flirt with everyone, male, female, animal, vegetable or mineral. I’ve tried not doing it, but its just who I am. In fact I even laughed to myself this evening when a girl asked to use my lighter at Waterloo, as I did a charm routine on her almost automatically. As per usual, lots of surprised giggles and her quite taken aback. I’ve got so used to knocking people off guard so I can almost do it with my eyes closed. I walked off and smiled to myself, almost rolling my eyes for doing it when I had been thinking about the trouble it causes. I seem to bring out the most possessive and extreme emotions in girls I have relationships with. It drives them all completely insane and most don’t know why.

Something caught my attention recently that I had to learn more about. Amanda said she really empathised with the things Emma had said and knew how she felt. Now it was strange enough as Amanda isn’t exactly Emma’s biggest fan, but it made me wonder as the more people I asked, the more agreed. Maybe I behave in certain ways that make the important people in my life feel certain ways, and I might not even know what I’m doing. When you live in your own skin it’s very difficult to see how you come over, behave with others or the effect you have on people. But in the interests of bettering myself and sharpening the saw so to speak, I prepared to eat a few very large slices of humble pie and ask how I made some of them feel. I’ve wanted to write this for ages but it’s taken time to speak to all the people I wanted to individually.

I’ve checked in with everyone here and they’re all OK with being quoted in the article. I’m paraphrasing in parts, so allow me some poetic licence.

First up, Josephine, resident cynic and current romantic applicant:

“I’ve always thought that if I got involved with you in that way I’d end up being incredibly insecure. It’s strange as you make them feel more secure than they’ve ever been but more insecure than they’ve ever been at the same time. You flirt but there’s no line where you stop and make it clear things won’t go any further; you lead people on so they go as far as they can. What attracted me to you wasn’t the big stuff that everyone else falls for, it was your vulnerability and insecurity.”

Next, a professional colleague, Elliott:

“I first saw it in you in that August debate in Soho and you were furious. Everyone felt it – there were over a hundred people in that theatre and you were bigger than the room. Remember the chairman guy joked about it? When you went off everything just went silent and I was looking around at the people next to me who were like deer in the headlights. It was like you were talking to each of us individually, and just weird. I can’t really find the word for it but it’s almost like a fear or something because you were ripping everything apart. and we were all helpless. Everyone in that room would have done anything you said from how forceful and passionate you were. I felt like the devil himself was in the room with us. You probably need to look at that my friend!”

Now Jon, rascal-in-chief and utter scoundrel:

“Its amazing to watch you when you’re on form. You just disarm them completely and leave them all spinning, You’re incredibly persuasive and you can’t help but be dragged into what you’re going on about. I remember turning round and saying to Ian when we first met you that you would probably end up ruling the world and being richer than all of us. We just needed to get you on the right road and into shape, because there was so much there. But you’re not a nice person when you’re pissed off. You scare the shit out of all of us and you can be scarily cold. Fucking hell, i’d vote for you. Just don’t go anywhere near my wife.”

And a recent incident, described by Leah who works in the club next to our office:

“I spoke to her the other day and she said it was something about the way you looked at her when you were talking over the bar. It wasn’t a bad thing and you were smiling and friendly when you did it, she just said it made her shiver. Like you were looking deeper than just into her eyes, like you were inside somehow and it kind of freaked her out. She said it made her feel weirdly vulnerable and she’d never felt like that before with anyone, but it was incredibly sexy. I think I’ve seen you do it – not to me, but I kind of know what she means.”

And last but not least, Amanda, girlfriend of 3 years and the person who probably knows me better than anyone else in the world:

“When I was with you, you made me feel like the most beautiful, talented, special and important person to you, and the whole world. It’s not that I didn’t believe you; I just always felt it would be gone so quickly as you did it with other people too. You didn’t just do it with me, but with everyone else as well. If you could do it with me, you could do it anyone else. It didn’t matter how many times you told me you loved me or said any other nice things, I was never enough. To be loved by you, this amazing person, made me feel so proud just to be chosen by you over everyone else. But I never felt it was justified, that I was worthy or lived up to you. I wasn’t enough for you. You could say I love you over and over but I always felt inferior to other women.

When we split up, you went almost to polar opposites. I had felt what it was like to be loved by you, but then felt what it was like to be hated. I was the scum of the earth. I got to see how much you could love a person but also how you could throw it all away so easily. All the times you said I love you counted for nothing. You made it very clear how angry you were and really showed me how little I was and how little you cared. When you were with me I felt like I was surrounded by armour, protected and safe. Once it was gone, I was incredibly vulnerable and knew you could hurt me so badly. The person who gave me the armour was the one who took it away and was attacking me. That’s when it was really frightening and worrying.

I think it makes you feel good that you can let people know they are loved or hated; that you have control of how they feel about you, and about themselves. I don’t think you ever did it on purpose, or even that you knew you did it, but I think it’s a power thing. I don’t think you realise the power you have over people.

It’s almost like you are “above” us or something, not a normal person. Like you are supernatural or have some unique power. It’s a feeling more than a thought. It makes people feel good because when you are above and you care about them because they feel special, but then it gets scary, almost like you’re a god or something. To be worshipped by you makes you feels amazing. 

It was always a battle to get anything out of you; like I had to prize you open with a crowbar. Something would eventually seep out, but you always made out like it was a massive thing no matter how small it actually was. It was the times you opened up when I felt I loved you. I always thought of you as a treasure chest that was beaten and worn, with like a ray of light shining out of it. Something gold and precious was inside, but outside it was rusty old metal closing it up. I wanted to open it up to get to the brightness, but you kept adding more chains.

You really upset [one of the waiters - name removed] just by standing there. You made him feel like he was in your way and he thought you were really arrogant and intimidating. You didn’t even have to say anything, just standing there was enough, and he was really upset by it.”

So it gets a lot more complicated on the inside than it initially appears on the outside. What you think would be really useful in many areas of life actually ends up alienating the people you love because who you are means that the closest never really feel they are the most important. Its given me a lot of cause for thought and been very revealing because although i can speculate, i can never really know or tell how the way i am affects others. I learnt a lot of things when i was young, both from the need for sheer survival and how to control and manipulate others so they would do whatever i wanted them to. To control the heart is to control the mind, as 90% of our decisions are made emotionally, with the other 10% being logic and reason that we use to back them up.

The question for me now is how to redress the balance, as its all i’ve known. Being seductive and understanding how human nature works is a way of life and a tool that has brought me success, indulgence and pleasure and helped relieve the insecurities piled up from the years of being threatened and abused, but its also hurt the people i care about and played havoc with the feelings people have entrusted me with. Its not like i can suddenly start treating everyone like shit apart from those i care about. I ask myself how many times i have to open up and make up, as i clearly need the practice. Lash out at me and i lock down. Reject me and i cripple you in return. Its always war and i don’t know what its like to live in peace.

But the final word is some amusing satisfaction i indulged myself with on the train home. Some drunk chav slut of a girl with flab rolling out of her miniskirt decided she’d ask me what i was doing as i looked so serious. My response? Something i’d been dying to try out after Jo and Duncan laughed at it with me. “Nothing that you would understand as having great significance. And may i say that your outfit tonight was a … courageous… choice.” After she laughed it off as a weird compliment it was deeply enjoyable to see her wither when she slowly realised exactly what i meant. Not quite as direct as “you fat fucking delusional bitch, cover yourself up, you’re offending my eyes“, but it got the job done.