Here it is. The one you’ve all been waiting for. I know its been a while since i published, but i’ve been a busy boy. I have 9 articles lined up here in varying stages of completion, and they’ll be up soon. Right now i just don’t have the time to even breath, let alone write. But this one is going out simply as it needs to. I’ve broadened the list to *types* of people and things i hate too.

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“Hate” is a strong word. When i first put this up, 3 separate people asked me why i was wasting my time writing about people i hate instead of being more constructive. The answer is brutally basic: i don’t waste time writing this stuff, it just comes out as and when i’m on the move and i get the chance to add a paragraph here and there. There’s no great intellectual and spiritual points here, just the raw truth. For me, hate is just as real as love, i acknowledge i’m capable of both. I don’t go around pretending to live like a smiley fucking buddhist foo-foo trying to be nice to everyone and i feel it as strongly as i feel affection for those who are close to me.

I’m not big on forgiveness or forgetting transgressions, as i believe they both need to be earned, not given freely. So here’s the list. Before you make the point, this doesn’t cost me any energy or time. It doesn’t require effort. And i don’t fucking care if you know. Sue me. Therapy time.

My father
Well charity begins at home, and what a role model i have. No, i’m not an emo kid who blames everything on his parents. Emotionally dead, physically and sexually abusive, financially incapable, militantly right-wing and self-righteous, seething and passive-aggressive and wrong/stupid in about everything he ever does. One day there will be forgiveness, but not in my lifetime. You can’t beat me any more old man, and its your turn to be scared of me now, and you’re getting smaller and older every day. For every hand you raise, every animal you’ve neglected to death and every second you’ve held us back and kept us ill just to nurse us there will be a fist and a newspaper headline to rub it in your face that i’m 2000x the man you would have had me be already. Bow down to me and i’ll relieve the suffering i enjoy watching so much.

Margaret Hodge
Ok, we don’t know each other, but i’d happily punch your fucking lights out for presiding over the worst paedophile scandal in public service history at Islington council. And then the nerve to accept the position of Children’s Minister? That beggars belief and the audacity is just staggering. You’re smug, self-serving, intellectually and morally bankrupt, charisma-less and a chronic beaureaucrat who should never have been allowed near a meeting room, let alone fucking Parliament. May you die an early death and your corpse violated in a nationwide, hilariously gratuitous bukkake session.

Joe Harrison
A schizophrenic, alcoholic Maverick-from-Top-Gun obsessive with an absurdly compulsive inferiority complex. If i have my way you’ll never see your son and he’ll be shielded forever from any shit you could put him through. The only thing that stops me from hoping you die is simply the effect it would have on him. Otherwise, 3 restraining orders and 10 charges in the high court should have convinced you by now that you lost. You lost everything. The girl, your son, your career, and the few friends you had to begin with. You’re a laughing stock and i’ll be howling with the whole of Hants police when they eventually send you down to get sodomised in the showers of the nearest prison. Die you piece of shit freak.

Paula Rees
You’re fat. You’re ugly. You smell revolting. You’re dull. Next time you cut yourself up or try a cry-for-help suicide attempt that wastes ambulance driving time, make sure you cut lengthways as the artery you need lies between the bone and tendon. Even you can get that right. You have no purpose or value. Your life is pointless. You contribute nothing, never evolve or learn the lessons from your ever-growing list of retarded and destructive mistakes, and to make matters worse you think the whole world is wrong and you’re the only one on the right track. Must be lonely on that road, considering you can’t see the other 59 million or so people are somewhere else.

Tim Flowers
You pathetic, back-stabbing, self-serving smug little cock. You’re a fat Australian twat with a thoroughly undeserved superiority condition. I’ll be even when i find you again and you’re going to wish you never tried to fuck with me. How on earth you managed (other than using date rape drugs) to find yet another fat Australian girl to marry you and allow you to wheeze way on top of her is beyond my comprehension. A conversation with you is like being savaged by wet rotten vegetables. You say you’re modest, and my god you have a lot to be modest about. Die painfully you obese wretched fuck.

Laura Binnie
You’re a vacuous fairweather friend, utterly selfish and self-adsorbed to the point of delusion. Sheltered, naive, boring, disinterested and plain obnoxious. Hilariously, its totally unjustified. There’s no point going around clubs looking for “fit blokes” as they wouldn’t be interested unless they were in a fucking wheelchair or were so drunk they were being carried out on a stretcher into the back of an ambulance. You don’t deserve your friends, and i’m going to laugh when the big bad world mummy told you about eats you up and spits you out. Slag me off again and i’ll fucking tear your heart out of your throat for you to mop your tears with.

[removed]

Scunthorpe Chavs et al
Ebony, Dale, Mel, Tammy, “Ger” (if you exist), and all the rest of you cheap low-IQ Northern scum. Thank god you’re not clever or driven enough to leave that human sewage plant, as the UK would be overwhelmed by a supply of petrol station attendants and supermarket cashiers and the filthy gin-slag local nightclubs would go out of business. If we could round you all up over a mass grave and AK-47 the lot of you i’d be there with a beer in hand, listening to Gloria Gaynor and celebrating the removal of a whole infestation of vermin that would also be freeing up several litres of free oxygen for the rest of us. Ideally we need to consider aborting you before birth to avoid the problem of your nefarious existence.

Alan ***
I’ve starred out your last name out of respect for one of your victims because she’s so close to me. You’re a fucking paedophile, we know you’re still doing it, and you’re time is very nearly up. You’ll pay for what you’ve done and you’re on your way to prison for a long time after i’ve reported you to the police up north. No more laughing and being the family fool. I’m glad i never came face to face with you or had to hold your hand, because i would have spat in it. I’ll come for you in the night when you sleep. You’ve earned it, and for second you robbed i hope your skin burns alive for 1000 years.

Rapists A, B and C
I will find you. No more hiding, no more living out your lives nice and comfortably under the protection of the fear of those i love. There will be a billboard with your faces on Piccadilly whether you are tried or not and i don’t give a shit about the consequences. You pathetic, quasi-human cowards deserve worse than death and if i had the choice, you’d be surgically paralysed as quadriplegic and tongueless for the rest of your natural lives just to experience 1% of the suffering you’ve caused to innocent and pure-hearted people - people who’ve taken on the shame that should have held you back before your lust for power and violence took hold.

Honourable mentions
Brad Chandler (for sexual harassing my girlfriend and sister), Nicola Riley (if you get run over, i’ll piss on your grave), Nina Guy (you’re just plain moronic, childish and dull), Gav Moger (soulless and weird), Gerry L*****g (most obnoxious venture capitalist i’ve ever met, and that’s saying something)

• Attention Whores (die you childish little scum)
• Ex-boyfriends (who seem to like re-introducing themselves as soon as they hear about me)
• Female arrogance (every girl is a relationship guru? I don’t think so)
• South West Trains (I’m a taxpayer subsidising your incompetence and you have the nerve to moralise to me?
• MySpace (ugly pages, paedophiles and people pretending to be something they’re not)
• Emo kids (you’re pathetic - go and spend some time in the 3rd world)
• Middle class Daily Mail readers (template right-wing fear-mongering judgmental idiots)
• Jobsworths (you are pointless)
• Vegans (why do you think we have canine teeth?)

Phew. I could carry on for a while. I feel better. I’m also available for children’s parties and bar mitzvahs.