I struggle with forgiveness. Its about the hardest thing you can ever do. I don’t think i’ve ever truly forgiven anyone, and i’m no good at it. I’ve certainly tried, but they just did something else afterwards that meant they had to be forgiven again, which kind of made it pointless in the first place. I’m told forgiving is a continual process that can be life-long.

They tell me forgiveness is like a bank chasing a debtor that can’t pay his/her bill. If you go overdrawn on your credit card or loan, you are sent reminder letters that gradually get more formal as time goes on. Eventually the time comes when you need to be taken to court to collect what you owe. Then the bailiffs arrive at your door and impound your possessions so they can be sold to pay your debt. If you have nothing, then you are made bankrupt. But the debt still remains unpaid, regardless of what you have or don’t have. There’s no point to chasing someone who can’t pay their debt, so the bank effectively writes off the amount as irretrievable because its more expensive to pursue than to suffer the financial loss.

And so, forgiveness in life apparently works the same way, as we can’t take back what we have said or done in the past. An apology goes a long way, but ultimately the debt cannot be repaid. Forgiving the person is writing off their debt and not chasing them anymore for it as its futile, pointless and draining to keep pushing away at something that cannot be realised and costs more than it will repay. The act of forgiving is consciously choosing to abandon the exhausting debt-chasing and striking off what’s owed.

The problem i have with forgiveness is that it’s ongoing, and requires endless effort. Some people just don’t stop racking up debt after debt, and you are forced to keep writing it off to stay sane, even when you didn’t lend to them in the first place. They do it again. And again. Biblically speaking, the answer to the question of how many times you should forgive is “unlimited”, or 70 times 7. So that’s the word from High Command, and i have to do it. More importantly, i need to be willing to do it. Judgment comes from not doing what you are asked to do more than what you have actually done.

Being angry at having been hurt or wrong is not wrong or unhealthy, it is normal. Resentment is bad for you physically and emotionally, and we have to let things go. But i smoulder inside, which you could consider emotional immaturity in some ways. I am forgiven by others, and i’m not perfect myself, so i should forgive. Why do we need to let things go exactly? Its not as if the bank would let me off if i decided not to pay back my £100,000 loan. I should be asked for forgiveness, not offer it freely. Well, at least that’s the belief inside me, right or wrong.

You know what i want? The thing that would satiate my righteous fury and the burning anger of being wronged?

STARTING WITH A FUCKING APOLOGY.

Yep, that’s right. Do that, and you might just be forgiven. How about a little atonement before you are unanimously let off the hook, maybe as a simple courtesy? I want blood spilled and the debt paid back. I can’t help that, as its the way it makes me feel. How about making it up to me? How about showing me the same dignity and respect i would show you, instead of drowning in your own self-pity and defiant fury? That’s the only way to app me from being so offended. But don’t think it gives you any power over me, as hating you doesn’t take any concsious effort or drain me at all. I’m happy to see you rot.

I have no idea how people forgive those who murdered their children or sinned against them so appallingly that the rest of the world thinks they never deserve redemption. I don’t even know how to forgive. But naturally, i looked it up, and got kindly got bought a small book on the subject to help me along.

OK so this is what you are meant to do.

“The first step towards forgiveness is recognise the hurt and be honest with yourself about your feelings.”

Anger can be expressed by going on the attack or being deliberately silent and withdrawn. The hurt done to you can often make your confidence and self-worth plummet. Recognising what you are feeling is more difficult than it sounds.

“The second step in the process of forgiveness is to get a clear view of what really happened.”

You may discover that your initial feelings were an overreaction to the situation, or the standards and expectations were too high. You can either laugh it off as comic or blame somebody. The memories of nnforgiven situations and the feelings associated with them can exacerbate the problem.

“Now that you have a clear understanding of what’s happened and how you feel about it, the next stage is to try and understand the other person’s point of view.”

When you understand, the problem may evaporate. When we blame someone’s actions we treat them as a mature person who is responsible for their actions, right or wrong. It is here that we learn of all that needs to be excused and what it is that needs to be blamed.

Most of us learn how to forgive as children. We learn with with parents and guardians we deeply need. It is the experience of being loved and forgiven that helps us to grow and become loveable people. Buy maybe for some reason you learned that lesson badly in childhood. You do not feel as if love can safely overcome hurt. When something terrible happens and we feel the desire for hate and revenge, all our faith and values are challenged.

Surely there are times when it is wrong to forgive? You may feel it is one thing to forgive injury to yourself but quite different when the event caused hurt to others. What would happen to justice if we all forgave? What happens when an apology is a sarcastic gesture of spite to convey the anger we feel?

Forgiveness is:

• Granting free pardon for a hurt;
• Giving up all claim for compensation;
• Ceasing to feel resentment.

Repentance, which can be as hard as forgiveness, is

• Accepting a pardon for a hurt;
• Making any appropriate restitution;
• Ceasing to feel guilt and shame.

Ahaa, so its a bit like a handshake. I forgive, you repent.

“What if the guilty party doesn’t say ‘I’m sorry’? Can forgiveness work if it is one-sided?”

We may find that we cannot be at peace with someone, but even in war we can love, (wtf?) which means refusing to let ourselves nurse thoughts of hatred. Love can be energetic with moral indignation. Anger is useful when it rescues others or sets us back on our feet, but once it becomes triumphant or places us above others, it is dangerous. As soon as it becomes redundant, unable to change anything for the good, we need to let it go.

Forgiving is not sorting out the past and laying it to rest, it is about re-affirming trust and is a generosity that should be free. It does not mean returning to where you were or letting someone off the hook. Real forgiveness means giving up all claim to compensation. But genuine repentance involves some real attempt to put matters right and it is right for the repenting person to make amends.

Forgiveness is false if it leaves either person feeling morally superior.

One of the most incredible stories i read a few years back is one of the only tales that can move me close to tears - the brutal murder of Sister Maria Laura Mainetti on the 7th June 2000 in the small Italian town of Chiavenna by a bunch of 16 year old goth girls, committed out of “boredom”, and blamed on their infatuation with Marilyn Manson. As they held her down and stabbed her for the 19th time so she finally lost the ability to breathe from choking on her own blood, she looked her murderers in the face and whispered her last words as they hacked at her.

“I forgive you”.

I wish i had 0.01% of her strength and compassion.