The infamous “Swiss Toni” from Harry Enfield compared absolutely everything to making love to a beautiful woman. Absolutely everything. Now i don’t profess to being a master casanova in the bedroom, but i have been lucky enough to have the feedback of several kind women who’ve helped me explore and understand how to press the right buttons in the right places at the right time. I’m getting there.

What inspired me to write something so delicate was one of the hilarious jack-the-lad conversations you get in pubs here and there, and my shock and horror that some of my not-so-honourable contemporaries still think, for some untraceable reason, that you can send a girl to cloud nine simply by repetitively jamming your fingers inside her. A lifetime learning from poorly-made pornography has convinced a generation of men that all they need to do to be known as Mr Stud is follow the instructions they see on screen and let her get down in her own way, as her sexual engine fires on its own accord. Most of the girls they know have become so used to appallingly crap sex that just having an orgasm can convince them you are a sensual jedi.

Surely this wanton ignorance and absurdly unsatisfying trend can’t be so widespread? There must be hope. I’d love to go around testing the theory but romantic etiquette and consideration for people’s feelings prevents me. Part of me wants to stay silent because my own prowess may just be dependent on the incompetence of others. But tsaying that, i’ve also been shocked at how utterly crap some women are in bed. Some of the tales i’ve heard from friends would shock anyone. Its made worse especially as the vast majority of girls are born and endowed with this arrogance that because they are female, they are somehow more proficient under the sheets.

First step - learn everything you can. Read everything you can get your hands on. Ask. Explore. The more you know, the better you get.

Next, the clitoris. Its ridiculous how many guys don’t even know what it is, let alone where it is and how it works. Spend many days studying and experimenting. After that, obsess about finding out everything about the G-Spot, the A-Spot, the U-Spot and the 8 different types of female orgasm. Women have infinitely more erogeneous zones than men, but the one we both share, and the most powerful, is the mind. Its a science, and an art. I’m slowly beginning to get good at it.

Before anything, wash for goodness sake. We all get caught short occasionally on a hot muggy day but there’s no excuse for it being routine. Clean your teeth and use a little deodorant (unperfumed - only chavs buy their spray in a supermarket). Shave. She may like the stubble for how masculine it makes you but she doesn’t particularly like the rash it gives her when you kiss her. Just making the effort works well and you’re winning before you start.

So you need to start by creating the right mood. You’re going to be there for a minimum of an hour, so its a long journey into and around her skin and all the places that make her hair stand on end. Set aside some time. Think low light and candles, with ambient music. Start with a massage. The trick is to use massage oil. When you think about it, how can you do a massage without oil? Any idiot can pull off the best massage in the world if you just rub in a lot of (warmed up) essential oil into her skin, all over her. You don’t need to do an advanced beauty therapist. Take it slowly, let her feel your strength pulling her body around.

Kiss her for a long time - she loves to be kissed more than anything else in the world. Wind her up and vary the me pace to build up some momentum. Kiss her neck. Kiss all down her back and breathe on her skin. The underside of her arms, back of her knees and inside of her thighs. Stroke her hair and put your hand around her head. Show some passion and let go, and let her feel your lust. If in doubt, be gentle. Tease her, and make it go on for hours. Make her want it, and want you to touch her. Get close enough but desperately make her want you to connect.

She hates her body and is horrendously self-conscious. She’s always comparing herself and competing with other girls for your attention. She particularly hates her stomach (and to a lesser extent, her feet, back, knees etc), so pull the cover over for her. You cannot tell her how beautiful her newly unclothed and naked body is. Read that again - you can’t tell her enough. There is no such thing as going overboard or being OTT. Every girl wants to be a sex goddess in the bedroom, so let her know she is.  Get lost in her wonder and her beauty and let her see how intoxicated you are.

For god’s sake make some noise and give her the feedback she needs - its not an exercise in concentration, but an experience you are sharing together. Breathe deeply with her, be there with her. Fight her for it. If you want a little more duration because you’re prone to being slightly excitable, use Performa condoms that have anaesthetic in them. Learn everything you can about going down, and stay down there for a long time.

Talk dirty to her. Absolute flith. Tell her what you want to do to her, and what you want to do to her. Tell her how it feels. And most importantly, don’t be ashamed or apologise for it. Be a depraved, evil and disgraceful animal that can’t control his awful mouth, and smile whilst you’re corrupting her with your desires. Telling her stirs her imagination and there’s nothing that turns on a girl on more than her imagination going wild. Every girl wants the opportunity to be bad as shame is her constant companion. Let her feel its ok to be naughty as hell. Feed her fantasies and be the one she wants to fulfil them. BUT you’re not in a porn film. Be elegant and erotic about it.

One of the things i’ve come to see is that women love feeling a man’s strength, which is why they talk about having things “rough”. Yes, they like that, but they like feeling your gentleness knowing how strong you are. Hold her down by the wrists. Clench her neck. Always let her know that she can let go if she wants and that she can escape. Be unashamedly masculine because it lets her be vulnerable, girly and feminine in return. She wants to give to you and know she’s getting you off, that’s she’s having an effect and getting a reaction. Look her in the eyes and tell her what she means to you.

Another thing that’s true is that most women associate sex with love - the old maxim that women want a lot of sex with the man they love, and men just want a lot of sex, hold very true. She feels in the mood when she feels most in love, and lust is often a lot about the need to be close and intimate with you. The more romantic the mood and more loving the atmosphere, the dirtier she will want to get. The more exciting it is, the more enticed she will be.

And if this helps just one man get laid that extra time, i would have succeeded