A few months ago i got to the end of my tether and created a “ladyfriend application form” to screen out future psychos and weirdos from my life. The questions were based on my personal experience of dealing with some very unpleasant characters, so i was delighted when the results came in and most were answered correctly. All in all i’ve had 35+ responses, as most people said they didn’t believe it actually submitted the response. Yes, it does.

Rich and I were having a sly beverage on Wandsworth Common and struck up a conversation at the bar that caught the imagination of the people with us. We’re both continually frustrated that there are so few women (and people in general) who actually have a clue about anything that matters. It’s important to be with a girl who a) is socially capable and can work a room she is introduced to, b) has something to say, and c) understands the world she lives in. They are desperately rare.

That may sound harsh, but its an ugly reality the modern cosmopolitan man faces when beauty just doesn’t suffice. You can’t love beauty, you can only love a person for who they are, faults and all. It’s not that you have to be superwoman, just that there are standards - it seems like the majority are there to fill the space and lower those standards. A lazy mind means a lazy heart. Dates and facts don’t matter, and most tests require to recall facts rather than understand concepts. What is needed is a general purpose Q&A to discern who’s got it and who hasn’t.

If you think these questions are hard, just go to a pub and do a quiz there. They are a lot harder and require more knowledge of general trivia. Each question is worth 2 points (1 point for half right), and the total score represents a percentage. Scores over 65 are acceptable. Below 20 means go away, start reading, getting your brain working and reflecting on what is important to know.

1. Name a country that borders Chad.
2. Name 2 films made by Oliver Stone.
3. What is 12 x 12?
4. How old is the earth, and when did the first human appear?
5. Quote a verse from Hamlet that is not “to be or not to be”.
6. What is Faraday famous for?
7. Name 3 UK prime minsters of the last 30 years, other than Blair or Brown
8. How do you spell “karoake”? (Oral test, obviously)
9. Explain how natural selection works.
10. When did the first man walk on the moon?
11. What is the average IQ?
12. Explain what E=MC2 means, and what the “C” stands for.
13. What are Socialism and Marxism?
14. When was the Bank of England founded, and why?
15. What is the capital of Somalia?
16. How old is Israel, and what is the Palestinian argument with it?
17. What is the current Pope’s name?
18. How many people are there in the world?
19. What is the political system of the UK?
20. At which week of pregnancy does a child’s nervous system develop?
21. If you are masticating and imbibing, what are you doing?
22. What is the Golden Ratio?
23. What is the difference between a limited company and a PLC?
24. How did the 2nd world war start?
25. What are the political allegiances of newspapers in the UK?
26. Who was Anne Hathaway?
27. What is the square root of 1000?
28. Name 3 famous artists of the 20th century.
29. How many people immigrated into the UK last year?
30. What does DNA stand for, and how many chromosomes does a human have?
31. Name a famous jazz song and its composer.
32. Who are the permanent members of the UN Security Council?
33. How many people immigrated to the UK last year?
34. What is the national language of Antartica?
35. What is Mecca?
36. When was the first BBC broadcast?
37. Why is the sky blue, and objects the colour they are?
38. How many bones do you have in your body?
39. Explain George Orwell’s concept of “Doublethink”.
40. Why is there no cure for cancer?
41. Name 3 world religions other than Christianity, Islam, Buddhism and Hinduism.
42. How many letters are there in the Cyrillic alphabet?
43. What are the average life expectancies in the UK for a man and a woman?
44. What happened in Tiananmen Square, and why does no-one in that country know about it?
45. How do interest rates and inflation affect the value of a house?
46. How many Euros and US dollars are there to the British Pound?
47. Describe the qualities of a good wine.
48. How many of the 9/11 hijackers were from Iraq and/or Afghanistan?
49. When will the planet run out of oil?
50. What is the difference between knowledge and wisdom?

Phew. There are so many more you could ask but that is enough to weed out the glossy bimbos for now. I’m tempted to make this required examination but i can imagine i’ll have things thrown at me from all directions by the feminista brigade protesting that men don’t have to go through an equivalent. Ladies if you don’t think about who you are getting into a relationship with, then you deserve the shitty outcome that will come from it. Accept any old dross and you’ll end up in the pub watching your neanderthal man-chimp staring at the flashing lights of the fruit machines. Either that or he’ll be as feminine as you and read your celebrity magazines.

Imagine this. You walk into the crowded room together, arm in arm. you’re wearing a tux, and she has a beautiful ball gown flowing around and sparkling jewellery. She knows it’s a big night for you and business is calling, but she goes in anyway knowing she will need to socialise for herself despite being intimidated. You are walked off knowing that she’ll be fine, and you’ll come back to laughter and all your friends being amazed at her beauty, charm, intelligence, wit and elegance. She has ideas, passion, articulate speech and is, by definition, the queen of her king that keeps him steady and driven to build an empire for her. You’re dreamily loved up on how wonderful she can be out in the open and how she literally dwarfs you when it comes to winning people over. Then when you get home and have a late night drink under the stars, you get to hear why she is amazed by the science of the planets and how she loves travelling through life with you, no matter how hard it is at times.

A girl with beauty and that depth of character are hard to find. I don’t believe it’s a massive thing to ask. In case you wanted, you can get the answers to all 50 questions here. Actually, no. Fuck that. Email me for them instead.