My father was a real mix - i spent over 20 years trying to put my finger on why he was so noticeably different from other dads. It came to me far too late: he just wasn’t…masculine. The irony is that the way he behaved was overly-masculine and domineering. I never really understood that strange and confusing juxtaposition. He liked picking flowers, muddled his words under pressure, but was also horrendously violent, constantly seething and power-obsessed. My sister is still haunted by his Jekyll & Hyde temper and anxiously searches for it in every man who claims to care about her.

I try and avoid debating issues with my dad nowadays as we are so polar in our views - he is a right-wing institution-obsessed boarding-school snob tory who hates abortion, muslims and wants the death penalty reinstated, and i’m considerably more scholarly and liberal. I listen to his reasoning now in total bewilderment as none of his arguments actually make any logical sense whatsoever. Almost all of them are made in near-total ignorance and very little basis in fact. Every time i do, i get furious because i end up thinking of how i must have adsorbed so much of it when i was kid. I end up explaining things to him because what he is coming out with is not only wrong, it’s utterly stupid. No, really, i’m talking extraordinarily ridiculous. Not only were his generation weak, they were also dumb.

Even when i was young i had a very active hatred of hypocrisy, and i saw a lot of it wherever i was. My dad would order me to do things and i would only comply if he explained them to me and gave a logical reason why. He would play the perfect church goer and best friend of everyone, and then be a monstrously cold and abusive robot who had no interest in his family when he got home. What pushed me over the edge was coming back from Africa and finding out my sister was so ill with anorexia that she was feinting in public - right at the same time my dad was studying, guess what … anorexia … for his counselling course (oh the irony), and had a degree in psychology. He could read about it in books but didn’t care enough to notice it in his own daughter. Such is the power of the personal coma.

As we speak, i’m having to tell him off once again for treating my nephew so innappropriately. I wonder how on earth someone can possibly hold such retarded ingrained attitudes and not bother to question themselves. I’m here for 5 mins and i’m having to explain how to father a child you are babysitting to him and remind him about his “power problem”.

Children know no better and accept almost anything they are told. We are essentially blank templates and as naive as we can ever be. So we take in what our parents believe and learn from their example as if it were the 100% honest absolute truth about life. The process is involuntary and there is nothing we can do to stop it or change it as our little minds are not able to filter or scrutinise what we are learning. Only when we’re older can we examine what we learnt and whather it is true, healthy or positive. It’s quite a shock when you realise just how extensive the crap is that they evangelise. By then enough damage has already been done - the wreckage is all around us.

These are just some of the things i involuntarily learnt and believed - things that were imparted, imprinted and inducted into my childish brain whether i liked it or not. Things that will be leaving regardless of how painful it is. The notes after each are what i know now to be the truth.

These weren’t lies per se; they are more stupid than they are malicious.

That i was a bad, willful, defiant, unruly child who “chose to rebel”
Wrong. There is no such thing as a “bad” child, i was a child reacting to his very negative environment. “Willful” is a good thing. Rebellion and defiance is not bad by definition - in fact, it is essential in many cases (Christ was a rebel, the Nazis needed to be defied). The process of becoming independent from your parents involves rebellion and separation, which is what nature intended.

Parenting doesn’t come with a handbook
Yes it certainly does, and there are thousands of them. Libraries, bookshops, the Internet, other parents, grandparents and so son. Utter crap. He still uses this excuse today.

Discipline is about punishment
No, they are separate. You discipline a child so he/she can discipline themselves and focus their will, and punish to show there are consequences in life they will face if they do the same as an adult - both are acts of love that ultimately benefit the child. A punishment should be fair and proportionate to the crime. Getting into work 2mins late will not mean you are put in prison for 3 months, and punching someone will not mean a slap on the wrist. Commanding authority is not the same as expressing power you may have.

Women are weak and not to be trusted
As my mum was in his eyes. Some are, but generally it’s just rubbish.

You should talk your way out of a fight
No, as there are people out there who are fixated on hurting you whatever you say, so you had better learn to protect yourself and strike first. I learnt this the hard way after taking this “advice”.

God is exactly like him and agrees with him
No, He certainly isn’t. My human father is completely different to my heavenly one, and He is with me directly rather than being in support of my dad just because he goes to Church. I just projected my dad onto the Father as every child does, and my human dad ruined that relationship.

He was a “parent”, not a dad
No, as using the word “parent” is impersonal and reduces the responsibility of fatherhood to a biological textbook term. He is a dad.

I wasn’t wanted around and he openly preferred my sis
Unfortunately, this is actually true, and hard to accept. The only trouble was him taking so long to admit it angrily in an argument. All i wanted was for him to tell the truth rather than tell me what he thought should be said. A father does want his kids around and favours none above the other, and lets them know that.

I should always accept what authority says unquestioningly, all the time
No, we must question and challenge authority when necessary because it can be corrupt. Power is the ultimate human weakness and everything must always be questioned and refined. Those who can be trusted with authority welcome being questioned humbly.

My home was his and i was to be thrown out at any time
It was everyone’s. My home was meant to be my home, and a safe place that was secure and where i could retreat for peace and nurturing, when needed. It was not just his. I had a right to be there and not to feel scared it would disppear at any time.

I’d only be lovable if i did what he wanted and was “good”
No. Every child is “good” when they were born. The love of a father is always unconditional. It may not be permissive (i.e.allow everything), but it is not dependent on, or measured by, a peron’s opinion’s or judgements of you. That is not love, and restrictions are made out of love to teach and keep a child safe.

He had a right to beat me as my father
No parent or career ever has the right to intimidate a child, or use violence of any kind on any child at any time, ever. No exceptions.

“The marriage” is more important than the relationship
Marriage is an institution; a “thing”. It encompasses a relationship between 2 people that must be nurtured and invested in. This is what he said to my mum, and both of us coiled up in horror. The relationship is the marriage, and the most important thing.

It is always someone else’s fault
If you are a perpetually powerless and resentful victim who never takes responsibility for themselves. More things happen to us that are within our control than those that don’t, so we must take responsibility for ourselves, or feelings and our circumstances. We must know when to take control, when to release it and how to know the difference.

Being a taxi driver is enough
It’s not. Being a dad means more than just doing the practical things and being able to threaten to take them away when offended. A child needs emotional nurturing, not just a driver.

To block out everyone and everything else around me
As that will avoid you getting hurt or having to take on board things that challenge what you believe. Live in a coma? No thank you. We’re here to live, and life is a very dangerous process where we have to take risks. No risks means no rewards, which means being dead.

I had no right to privacy although others did
Yes i did. Everyone does, with no exceptions or conditions. Privacy is a boundary that must be respected and only violated if someone’s safety is in jeopardy.

Being a dad is a hands-off, let them get on it with thing
No, it’s a very hands-on thing where you are to be completely involved, aware, interested and enthusiastic. The need to be involved naturally lessens as time goes on, but indifference isn’t acceptable. It takes a hell of a lot of energy and you need to give up most of your time, as well as losing your ego-centricity.

Having nice things or looking nice isn’t important
My dad has never owned anything nice and pours scorn on anyone who does. The sad truth is that he’s never been able to afford it or care about rewarding himself, or even dressing himself properly. It isn’t everything, but expensive things are better quality and more durable (being made from better materials) and if you love and value yourself, you allow yourself to own and enjoy nice things.

Being cold, unemotional and not showing your feelings meant you were “strong”
Just like his generation’s hero. James Bond. Yes, it takes strength to resist emotional madness, but it is foolish and silly to do it all the time. It is a matter of context - there are times to withold what we feel, and times to express it, because expression gets rid of it. Showing vulnerability actually means you are alive, and you are strong because you are willing to face painful things rather than avoid them. A very stupid masculine myth.

Relationships should survive on their own and command 100% loyalty whatever
No, they need constant commitment to evaluation, consideration and investment from each person, or they fail. You share responsibility for doing your part, as does the other person, and your actions can affect theirs.

You should always obey
Not if the authority is corrupt or abusive. If that were true, every single country in this world would be totalitarian and consist of Sheeple. No Christ, no Martin Luther King, no Hendrix, no leaders or unique individuals. We would be the Borg. Utterly asinine.

Children and animals “know exactly what they are doing”
No, they don’t. The behaviour of animals is governed by instinct and conditioning, and children lack the capacity to make fully informed choices until they gradually develop into adults in their own right. They are manipulative, cunning or deceptive, and not be treated as if they have the same facilities of adults.

Money is a painful and uncomfortable thing to be avoided
It is if you don’t have much of it, never get a pay rise or have a career, or don’t manage it properly. It isn’t good or bad. The only thing you can be sure of is that if you put your head in the sand, it won’t go away and will get very bad, very quickly. You make your own doom. Managing money is a responsibility we must all accept.

A man’s role is to be the “doctor” in a relationship
No, that’s not healthy - its a symptom of codependence and rescuing is about deriving your self-worth from someone else, and your sense of security from keeping them sick. It immediately introduces inequality into the relationship, whereas your partner should be your complimentary equal.

You can never get anywhere no matter how hard you try
Untrue, and there is no excuse for giving up. So your children end up bearing the weight of your lost ambitions. You can where you need to go, you just have to be aware, alive and think. You work smart as well as hard, and you are realistic about your goals. You use systems, you ask advice, and you open up.

You should hold everything you feel inside and push it down
No, you should express it in a safe place, in a safe way, because the only way feelings go is when they are expressed. Not expressing your anger means it becomes numbness and depression, and then starts to come out quietly as passive-aggression because you’re too scared of conflict to say anything. Bottling it up is a survival mechanism that is immensely damaging if its something you do long term.

If you cry, you’re weak
Bullshit. A man who can be honest enough to cry is a real man. Allowing yourself to care and allowing other people to know you care is a sign of strength. “Weakness” is not permanent and does not define you from a single moment.

I am accountable to him for everything i thought, said and did
Maybe when i was a child as he was my primary carer, but i never considered a corrupt authority as to be one i should be accountable to. Now i am only accountable to the Father and myself, and in certain circumstances, those i love. He still believes this today - that his ex-wife, children and friends need to account to him.

You’re only worth something and if you have a good 9-5 “real” job
Untrue. Your self-worth is not derived from your job title, it comes from who you are and what you do in this life after the seeds of it have been implanted by what your parents thought of you. Some are cut out for office work, some are not (insignifcant people like Da Vinci, Christ, The Beatles etc). This was given to my dad by his father and he still thinks music (his one passion) isn’t a “real job”. How very sad.

Angry music was the cause of all my problems
No it wasn’t. I listened to angry music because i was angry and it expressed how i felt inside. It didn’t make me angry, the hell i was living in did. Plus, i loved the guitar parts. Blaming other things for what we have a responsiblity for, no matter how irrational or illogical it sounds, is a trait of victims.

Sex is dirty and shameful
To quote Woody Allen, only if it’s done right. No, sex is healthy, natural and wonderful. It is nothing to be ashamed of or not talked about. Those who hold that view are either obsessed with other people’s sex lives (as my dad was mime and my sister’s hence no girls were ever allowed to stay over) or don’t have one of their own.

The world is a nasty and frightening place
It certainly can be if you are ill-equipped to deal with it or are scared of dealing with difficult things. This fear gets loaded down the generations and it’s not fair or balanced. Life can be good and bad; easy and hard; hilarious and awful. It is our reaction to it that makes the difference. The one thing we know is that if we believe the world is scary, that fear will cripple us and be fixated on the bad bits.

To punish those who hurt you
Wrong, but so hard to resist. To punish is to judge, and when someone has done something wrong. Lashing out is natural when we’re hurt, but we need to realise in ourselves that no-one is perfect and not everything is entirely personal, or “right” and “wrong”. If we have trouble bonding with others or painful experiences in the past we will be more likely to sin in our anger. The best thing is to keep your mouth shut and your dignity visible. And never act in anger. One day i will actually learn this.

Men aren’t from apes as they have 6 fingers
No, really. This was his Christian argument against evolution. It only stopped when i picked out an encyclopaedia and showed him a picture of a chimpanzee, as well as pointing out that he was totally ignorant of even the first detail about Darwin’s science. They have 5 fingers and no opposing thumbs.

If i didn’t respond, he would punish my friends
Like the Nazis did. If i was to be punished yet again, it would be futile because i would not respond. So he would punish my friends instead by proxy to get to me. It is entirely wrong to hold anyone else accountable for the actions of another, as none of us have any control over anyone else. When i see that on paper, it makes me sick.

I think you’ll find that if you take out a notepad and write your own list, you’ll be very surprised at how long it is and how nasty and negative a lot of it is.

Now you might have idea as to why i am so angry. This shit went into my head when i was small, involuntarily, and it shouldn’t have. I don’t want it there, and i’ve spent a long time trying to get rid of it. It blights my life and there is nothing i could have done to stop it. For no fault of my own, my mind is influenced by idiotic crap i don’t subscribe to. No-one is enslaved to these things as an adult - it is our responsibility to change if we must, as we cannot offer our baggage to everyone who comes along.

I will not pass on these errors and problems to my own children. I will fight them and re-format, and work my ass off to do the right thing. Its a straight and simple fact that you will try to get the nurturing you didn’t get when you were younger out of your relationships in your adult life. It’s the cause of most couple’s disagreements and problems, and why you need to be a full person before you can share with someone else.

If anyone you know semi “worships” one of their parents regardless of how controlling and/or abusive they have been (or still are), it’s evidence that they are still a child, even if their body says otherwise. That separation procedure has not happened naturally or correctly. Parenting is the only relationship that ends successfully with separation. The simple painful truth is that every parent thinks they’ve done more than enough and is right.

I think the truth is more painful - that being a successful parent is always feeling you haven’t done enough and need to do more.

These are the words my own children will hear every single day of their lives regardless of how irritated i am with them and how annoyed they get by hearing it all the time. In fact i will print out a 10 metre long poster and shove it on theirbedroom ceilings so they can’t possibly be in any doubt, ever.

I love you no matter what and that will never, ever change. I’m proud of you. I’m pleased with you. I respect you. You’re enough and you’re mine. Don’t be afraid. You’re important to me. Your feelings matter. I accept you and love you just for who you are. I’m sorry if i’ve done anything to hurt you today, please forgive me. I will support you whatever your choices. I am here for you whenever you need me. Tell me what you need and i will do everything i can so that you get it. I like you as a human being and love being your dad. You are the best thing i ever did and that ever happened to me.

Every single day until they have their own family, sometime before they go to sleep that night. That is the commitment i have made to myself. We all deserved that. All of us, not one person excluded. That is what should have been said to us every day without fail, even if we thought we didn’t need it. There is no limit to how much we should be told these things as nature will curb us when it is needed.

This bullshit programming stops with me and i won’t allow it to continue. All of us have a responsibility and a duty to be better than our parents, and i want my kids to be better than me. It doesn’t threaten me - it will be to my credit.

I used to want to take a drill to my head, let the pain out of the hole
I used to want to cut the veins in my neck, cool the blood boiling my soul
When I wondered, why my daily headaches thundered
Tried to buffer, pushing down the pain I suffered
Mutilated, feeling so humiliated
Cannot wash the dirt off underneath my skin
Now I’m older and in this man an anger smolders
Now I’m thinking a hole in you is what I’m seeing
Your depression, is the dent I kick in you in vengeance
Consequences are the pain I’d give to you

“Trephination” by Machine Head