Anorexia is a trap that girls fall into more than a disease. I’ve been asking my sister to write about how she brought herself back from the brink for a while now. For every 100 girls who fall into the trap, 1 makes it out, and my sister was one of them. She found her way, and i’ve said to her it is her duty to go and find the other 99 and get them out too. She has done the unthinkable and the impossible – turning an eating disorder around into a career and hope for so many others. I respect her more than anyone else in the world just for that. It’s nothing short of incredible. And it’s my sister that did it. Read the last paragraph of what she has written and there is no mistaking it – she really is the sister of her brother.

Anorexia is classed, medically speaking, as an obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is also considered, again medically, to be an addiction. So let’s be clear from the start – if you suffer from an eating disorder, you are, by factual definition, clinically obsessive, whether you accept it, like it, or not. I’ve learnt that the anorexic tries to control everything in her life the way she controls her eating and most who think they are “borderline” are actually so much more ill than they think. But just as with alcoholism, denial is a massive part of it and no-one gets better until they have reached their “lowest point” and really actually want to get better.

3 of my friends were hospitalised during university because of anorexia. It has destroyed the lives and relationships of dozens of people i know. Needlessly. There are stories of girls who have had abortions because they didn’t want to look fat – imagine the grief, guilt and shame afterwards. A child bearing that pain.

For the first time, i found myself looking on some of these girls with compassion, which is strange as i am generally fairly harsh about the whole thing. I went to visit a few “pro-ana” forums, some of which have 15,000 members and the most ridiculous disclaimers and rules, and it was so incredibly sad. I saw this little picture avatar one girl had (like the one pictured here), and it said “it will all be ok when i’m thin”.

I stopped for a second and then it hit me. They’re not stupid - these are children. It isn’t stupidity or vanity – it’s actually just a blank little child speaking in all their naked ignorance. It doesn’t matter how old they are, this is the childlike thinking of a child who doesn’t actually know any better; children caught in a trap who are very naive and very ill that we need to have compassion for. They can be in the 20s but they are still children. How can you be angry with a child? It’s really heart-breaking. As soon as you see it as childlike, it ceases to be something of frustration.

The motto of these pro-ana groups is “stay strong”, presumably a reference to not giving in to their hunger. The irony that you need to eat to do that seems to be lost. It would be more appropriate if they said “stay numb” or “stay dead”. There is a recurring theme of chronic, acute depression. The more interesting question is what would happen if they got fat, or what would happen if they carry on the same way. No wonder there is no way out. But these are children, plain and simple. They need love, and a hell of a lot of it.

Even stranger is when you look at anyone suffering from anorexia, you notice that they appear to be regressing to childhood – they seem to be coming closer and closer to looking like a small girl as time goes on rather than a full-bodied woman. I’m told that another rather bizarre part of that regression is that they also tend to be bald/shaved down below, just like a pre-pubescent girl before she develops into a woman.

And the greatest irony? The mechanism of anorexia (i.e. starvation, denial, secrecy) makes you less attractive and weaker. Hence why it is a trap – you can’t make yourself beautiful or loved by ruining your body, and you can’t stay strong and in control without fuel to power you along. The more you starve, the less attractive and weaker you get, then the more you need to starve and control. Their boyfriends despair with the obsession and end up cheating/leaving, and men don’t fancy them because skinny, light-headed and miserable controlling women with bad breath, protruding bones and foul-smelling private parts who you can’t sit down and have a simple meal with just aren’t attractive. They blame themselves, so the starving gets worse. But that’s not them – that’s what others are like and they’re not as bad as that. They’re just trying to keep to that weight or get down to a few lbs and they’ll stop.

This is my sister Joey’s story.

————————–

I was about 17 and remember over a series of days and weeks noticing my body more as a woman. My thighs seemed to be the area i was fixated with as being fat or out of proportion with everything else. To start with i just studied myself, but day by day i became obsessed with the idea my thighs were making me look fat or not appearing tall and lean in clothes. So i decided to eat less, which seemed to help me feel thinner. Then over an incredibly quick passage of time my eating less became down to 2 pieces of toast with banana on top. I became incredibly knowledgeable about how many calories there were in everything. A woman should have 2000kcal a day and i made sure i never had more than 500!!! As my food became more depleted i discovered exercise and again became obsessed with it! I started by learning that 20mins walking burnt between 80-100 kcal depending on your speed. So i used that to know how long to walk for daily to burn up my food. It got the point where i would walk 2 hours a day or split that with swimming and only eat between 300-500 kcals. I’d be burning 500kcals a day! Weight dropped off me in weeks. I started as a healthy size 10, at 8 stone 11lbs, and within 2/3 months went to a size 6 weighing 6st 7lbs.I was never happy at any point when the weight was coming down because the weight always came off in a big way from my waist up and my thighs were always last. So no matter how frail i looked my legs always looked “fat”. By the time my legs got to where i wanted them my whole being was very, very unwell. My hair fell out in clumps, and the condition was dry and brittle. My eyelashes fell out in clumps. I could literally pull at my eyelashes gently and 6 would come out and actually leave gaps in the row. Which in turn made me even more into my depression because i couldn’t wear mascara or look nice (in my eyes). My skin was dry. i developed downy hair on my arms and stomach. I passed out a few times in public. Emotionally i was so closed, i think i wanted to look amazing all the time for my boyfriend who always told me he loved me whatever i looked like, but i was forever comparing myself to his ex’s or felt he wouldn’t stay if i wasn’t perfect. Looking back i think it’s about a worth issue mainly to do with my relationships with men. Fear of rejection or not being worth enough for anyone to love me or not cheat on me.

My mum sent me to the doctors when i got down to 6 1/2 stone. My periods had ceased for over 5 months and she was concerned for my health. The doctor told me if i didn’t get to a healthy weight within the year, not having a period for 1 year or more could mess my body up so much that may have to face not being able to have children! That shocked me so much and thankfully was the turning point in my journey. People said i look ill, or i look like a boy etc, but all i heard was that meant i wasn’t thin. But when my future fertility came into question i had to take a moment and think. To choose my current life and end up in hospital, or to get better and have a family. So i asked my doctor what the minimum weight for my height was she said 8 stone. Anything below would stop my periods so i thought i could work towards 8 stone and stay at that weight.

I received prayer and started dating a man that really lifted my spirits who made me feel good about my myself as a woman! My weight came back slowly but because i starved myself for so long my weight went up to the highest it ever had been at 9st 5lbs. But after my body settled it came back to a normal 8st 11lbs. From that moment til now i’ve never stopped feeling fat, or wanting to control my daily food etc. I’ve had months of relapses and months of health. I now know my triggers which are rooted in fear of rejection, low self worth, not being loved/secure, trying on clothes that once fitted, even the simplest of things – going into shops and not being to pick up a 6 or 8 label. It’s like a 24 hours a day battle with yourself, imprisoned in a cocoon that has bound you so tight that there isn’t even an airhole of hope to break free.

It’s been a way of coping, feeling normal, feeling attractive, almost like it’s something you have to keep you ‘one better’ then the next average girl. Sounds bitchy and shallow but again i think it’s about attention/love etc. Eating normally hasn’t been an easy ride, i still haven’t 100% conquered that battle but i know now how important nutrition is to fuel your brain and body. In my past i’d stick to certain foods and amounts. Mentally a bowl of nuts isn’t going to do much as a whole meal. But ironically, nuts have high fat and calorie consumption. In my thinking it has the amount i was looking at, not the nutrition or health. It’s almost like having to eat a whole plate is your worst nightmare. Much like when you’re starving yourself, there is a lot of secretness and manipulation. You learn how to avoid things and meal times. You can appear very independent and closed off when really all you’re being is slave to an eating disorder that has become too much for you to talk about or cope with but at the same time normal and part of you. People don’t understand you, all they do is lecture you or to try and force feed you.

Recently i studied at college to get a qualification in fitness instruction. It’s something i love (keeping fit) but have also learnt so much from. Exercise has become a balancing act with food. I now know about the various exercises/machines to work off calories and tone you up. As well as that i am becoming more aware of what foods to eat and how to maintain a weight that i’m happy with. Everyone says it, eat well and exercise, but few people take on board that it really is that simple. Of course you have to analyse food information, e.g. semi-skimmed milk instead of whole milk or not drinking too much alcohol etc. But if you eat the right foods and portions as well as exercising 3 times a week you can maintain a long-term weight. Also when you are pregnant it’s more likely that your body will remain constant instead of ballooning through indulging.

I’ve learnt that it’s better to have a healthy body and mind through eating a range of foods than to go to the depths of depression through having no energy or nutrition. I’ve learnt it’s better to find the type of exercise that works for you and do it regularly – long-term is the healthiest way to keep weight maintained or even lost. You can keep control but it has to be with the 2 interlinked in a balance that fits into the lifestyle you lead.

I’ve had quite a few blips and very low days where reverting back would be so much easier but i know one day i will have to get this right because there’s no way it’s possible to keep living this way for the rest of my life. The consequences would be too high and my relationships/mental health would be made harder. So on those i spend them accepting my weight and body as they are and not worrying about the past. I pray a lot for strength and that God will pull me out completely so i never have to return to the last ten years i lived. I believe anorexia and bulimia are just symptoms of deep deep issues, they are diseases in their own right but ultimately there are symptoms of an illness that took root a long time ago. I don’t know why it look hold of me and why i let myself be weak in feeding that cycle but i now know i will never do there again and i’ll fight on and fight on until i’ve beaten it completely.

I have a strong faith that has filled my heart and a man who is my rock. Also i’m planning my career in forming a way of teaching people about fitness and nutrition – specialising in eating disorders and pregnancy. I want to do a course in listening/counselling too so i can help emotionally. I’m going to combine all these things and create a space where women/men can talk about it, where they won’t be made to eat or stop exercising. But heard and guided. The way i see it is not one person has ever listened to someone telling them to eat or stop exercising – i didn’t!!! So i want to educate them with diets, encourage nutrition/energy, and work with them in fitness. Also if they can talk as part of it i’m positive there will be a lot of support. It’s a new idea at the moment because i need my personal training award first but that’s what’s on my heart.

The most important part of recovery is acceptance! You have to accept that if you are a stone under weight, to return to normal you will gain weight you’ve lost. It may sound stupid but you have to accept that. You need to start looking forward to how you are prepared to live long-term for your life, as starving is always about things as they are right now, in the short-term. You have to accept the way your body is made because no amount of starving will make you get into a size 6 if your body isn’t made that way. It’s important to focus on how to maintain your healthy weight and to do that get someone to help you with a diet plan and someone who can support you at meal times (finding alternative foods/recipes etc). I had to start taking seriously the implications of starving your body and brain in the long-term. Perfectionism is a stronghold. Another big problem is where you have starved, you have told yourself to hate food when actually you want to enjoy food and feel guilty for eating normally like you’re a pig.

You need to ask yourself – who are you trying to be thin for?

Identity is a huge part of recovery because it is so much to do with why you’re in the cycle. I didn’t know who i was. I had no idea where i was going or what i was going to do with my life. I didn’t know at all. All i knew was i wanted to do something with music. I didn’t have much idea of who i was, whether i was worth anything or what to do. In my past when i ate the least i found myself drinking heavily. I felt numb to any emotions or past circumstances. Do you have any other obsessive or addictive behaviours that run alongside your eating problems?

It’s nice being able to wear clothes that easily and hang. To switch to a bigger or curvier look would never feel the same. How do you get over that? I still don’t know other than just accepting your natural weight and letting go of how others will perceive you when the weight goes back on.

God won’t love you any more if you’re thin (or fat).

If everything will be Ok when you’re thin, then why are you still unhappy when the weight comes off?

—-

If you want to talk to Joey about her story, or you need a way out, you can email her on johanna_ireland@yahoo.co.uk.

I figured out why i could never be anorexic. I really couldn’t be fucking assed to count the calories. I’m sitting here eating a cold Mars Bar and loving it, as insensitive as it sounds. Life without chocolate must be hell.