I find myself restless again. 39 weeks to go of 2008 now and I’m 4 articles away from finishing my latest book thing, that i’ve decided to call it “Let Me Know Your Name” as i was going through prospective titles and it just stuck out so clearly and magically for me. This cold i’ve had for 2 weeks now has drained me of all my fucking energy and i’m frustrated that things seem to be moving so slowly. It’s true i’m a fast-paced person - when i was kid the only way my parents could keep me happy was to get me feeling some momentum of any kind. Kids normally love cars and trains but i was always more interested in watching how fast the world moved by out of the window. Not a lot has changed in that department.

One thing i’ve learnt over these last few months is how important honesty is to me. My experiences with a deeply dishonest person left me very cynical and suspicious about the intentions women who claim to care about me have.  I always jump to the conclusion that i’m being betrayed whether i like it or not. Kel is a very blunt and honest person, which i love, and I neverfully  realised just how critically important that is to me. I really, really find dishonesty utterly repulsive and it’s so revolting that i simply can’t stand to be near anyone with a heart that allows them to willfully deceive people who care about them. I don’t understand it. It just doesn’t compute. It’s so utterly pointless. Nothing good ever comes from it.

They say you make up your mind about someone in the first seconds of when you meet them - you look at their appearance, body language and all the subconcious messages they are sending out. I try not to be that way but i am a very judgmental person, as those in my world know all too well. I don’t have a problem with being discriminating as i have enough friends, i have enough contacts and i have enough hope in my life that it’s bulging. I don’t suffer with not knowing who i am, what i want or where i’m going. I can afford to close the door if i need to, and many times i have to just to avoid damage from other people and their agendas and baggage.

I make up my mind about someone generally based on what i can suss out about their character, starting with if they have any. But honesty is the most important of all things, above everything else. Someone with a love and devotion to truth is a beautiful crystal to me. The truth is the highest principle, and a steel shard right down the middle of you that means it is the centre of who you are and what you believe is something i identify with and respect. I don’t care how bad the news is, what you’ve done or how little you have if you are honest about it from the bottom of your heart because it means you value truth.

You can tell dishonest and wounded people by their “hunted” expression as dishonesty is a cowardly and weak thing that makes you profoundly ugly no matter how attractive you are. The truth is simple and self-evident, andi’ve learnt that if a situation is complicated, confusing, needs to be dug out or a grey are, someone is lying. And almost always for no reason other than they are too cowardly to be truthful because they are scared of getting into an argument. An argument that never would happened if they were honest, because you can’t argue with truth. There is nothing you can say to it - you can’t bend it, manipulate it, cover it or play with it. The truth is just there, as plain as day, and there is nothing you can say or do about it. You just automatically accept it as you register it as truth.

I’ve been hard on those nauseating types that i find so irritating - the immature, attention-seekers, fantasists, self-obsessives, hypocrites and the rest of them. My issue is that all of them are fundamentally dishonest. They are dishonest to themselves and to other people. They don’t appreciate or value truth because what they want and feel is more important. They “steal” attention rather than ask for it. They live in a state of denial and would rather lie than just be honest. They try to “have an effect” on you or get a reaction from you, but if you do the same to them they come down so hard on you back that it takes you by surprise. They are obsessed with how they feel and what they want. They will always try to “manage” you or control how you feel and/or behave.

I have people approach me every day with their agendas and see it straight away most of the time. They have been thinking about what i want to hear and try to tell me it like the good seller, but i can feel it’s not right. It’s not the truth - they are making an “effort” to affect my behaviour and want me to think something about them or a situation. They aren’t reflecting the truth or speaking from the heart. Because i sense it immediately, it gets my back up and they get rejected outright before they even begin. They even research me on this site and deliberately try to appeal to me after psychoanalysing me. If you start from a dishonest perspective, you’re approaching a man who will throw you out the door the moment he senses that dishonesty.

The message for you is really simple. Just speak from your heart, no matter how pathetic and useless you feel. I’ll sense it’s the truth, and we’ll connect through the heart. It shows you respect me, trust me to be responsible and compassionate with you, and that honesty and the truth are incredibly important to you, no matter how ugly they may be.

You could be the very worst person i have ever met, the least attractive, the most profoundly unintelligent, without 2 pennies to rub together, with the worst set of personal problems in the world. You could be fucked up beyond all measure. But if you are an honest person who is always striving to be honest in a way that shows you value the truth, you are priceless to me. Nothing else matters. No matter how pathetic, ugly, poor, useless or obnoxious you think you are (or i think you are), there’s no way i could think more highly of you if i sense that genuine honesty that comes from the bottom of your heart and is worn on your sleeve. You don’t need to emphasise or explain that you are being honest if you actually are - it automatic and simple. You recognise honesty straight away.

That’s literally all you have to do. If you’ve fucked up, just admit it sincerely and say sorry. Not because you’re telling me what you think i want to hear, but because it’s honest and it’s the truth. Don’t try and be all nicey with me off the bat - acknowledge how i’ve felt. Genuinely, from your heart. I’m not going to exploit you or hurt you for it as its simple honesty. I can’t react to the truth any way other than with respect. Don’t come to me with a pretense, and don’t try to be someone else, with a bunch of stories that make you sound more than you are. Just be you, with all your massive list of faults. Don’t try to make me think of you in a certain light. Don’t try to be the big shot or the cold powerful one who wants to have one-up on me.

It’s the honesty that bonds us together. It’s all the things you’re not, and i’m not. Those are what link us because we’re not perfect. We have so much more to be and to do. Not being perfect drives us on so we can get close to it. When you open your heart to me, i am obliged to protect it if it is the truth. You should expect it to be protected. If you are dishonest with the opening up, people sense it and you can only expect it to be thrown out in a very ugly way. If you are always acting dishonestly, no-one will ever trust you and you have nothing but your own cowardice and self-obsession to blame for your circumstances. These things are always defensive because where there are masses of lies, there is a self-esteem tragedy - the reason the dishonesty starts is because you try to make yourself out to be more than you are, because you don’t think you’re anything in the first place. Self-enlargement turns to evil very quickly.

We sense these things because as humans we are spiritual creatures. There is intuition, there is the subconcious, and there is the spirit. That is what we see in each other and what connects us. Honest is refreshing. It makes me love you, and every time you do something in that honesty it deepens that love i have for you. It makes me respect you and trust you more deeply each time. You value what i value and i know my heart is safe with you because honesty and the truth is above everything else. I will never suffer because when you carry me around in your heart, as that honesty is the safety net that protects me from being hurt. Dishonesty is a habit that becomes a lifestyle. And it kills everything like a vicious poison, starting with it’s owner and all their relationships.

Dishonesty is saying one thing and doing another. Being double-minded. Doing things in secret. It is making out something to a group of people whilst you secretly feel differently inside. It is coming up with stories about yourself that never happened to give people an impression of you that is more than you are. It is denying the way you feel or the way things are because you are too proud or frightened to change the situation or approach someone. It is trying to convince someone you don’t care about them when you do. It is trying to “steal” the attention you need from them through schemes or trying to make them feel a particular way so you feed on it emotionally. It is giving false witness and making others out to be what they are not in front of the people you know to suit your own purposes. But most of all, disonesty doesn’t help you evade an argument, it invariably causes one. The conflict you want to avoid turns into reality the moment you decide to be casual with the truth.

Honesty means facing up to how thngs are - looking for the truth, realising it and living it. It’s recognising the truth and knowing that the other person recognises it too, and just acknowledging it together. Just acknowledging it. It’s saying how you feel inside without trying to make someone feel something or believe something. It’s confessing exactly what the other person can see in you without you needing to tell them - just how lacking you are in so many ways. It’s respecting someone enough to tell them you don’t feel the same way, or that you have never stopped feeling the same way and you don’t want to. It’s looking someone in the eyes and telling them you are angry with them or they’ve hurt you. It’s paying someone a genuine compliment or buying them a present.

Ultimately it comes down to deciding on how you will live and how you will spend the time you have been given. The greatest figures throughout history have all had an honesty and humility that has gained them followers simply because others recognise that same truth that they do, and the truth they live so nakedly. Will you live in a shell, making out you are something to everyone whilst you feel so differently inside, or will your life reflect and sync up with how you feel inside? Will you wear your heart on your sleeve so others can know how to love you? The only guarantee you have is that dishonesty will always bring misery as its company.