I really don’t know i’m going to write here, but it will brutally honest. I haven’t slept for the past 3 nights and haven’t eaten either. I’m not hungry. I feel sick. Almost like a zombie that’s on autopilot getting away from the source of the pain. I never want to see Gillingham again, that’s for sure. I don’t want to ever trust a woman again, or give my heart to them, as all it seems to do is get abused. If i had my way i’d just lock it up somewhere and carry on about my daily life as a hollow exoskeleton. If there was surgery to remove your feelings i’d be signing up.

It’s been a very long time since i just wanted to stay in bed and not get up. I still can’t eat.

This is what i felt last year. This has all felt like last year. I never, ever want to go there again. I swore to myself i would never allow anyone close to me like that again I never wanted to go through it. But here i am.

Ironically, the only person i know who feels as least as bad as i do is the person i’ve hurt. She hasn’t eaten for 3 days either.  I can’t believe how much of a mess things are in her world. I don’t think i’ve ever seen someone so scared and hurt in my life. It’s almost as if she’s curled up into a little ball and is in no fit state to do anything. All she wants to do is block out the world because anything is too much for her. That definitely includes me, as i’m the one with whom she has the biggest grievance. All i want to do is give her the biggest hug imaginable but i’m just too scared to try. I can’t do anything, and i’ve just made it worse. I want to help to make it better but i’m too clumsy and clunky.

Both of us had the worst couple of weeks imaginable. I know we’re in love with each other and both fancy the pants off each other. She’s so hurt that even if she loves me she can’t handle normal life at the moment. I’ve never known what to do.

I ripped her apart with my words. She ripped me apart with her silence (silence is a passive way of unleashing your anger when you can’t shout)..

Passive-Aggressive anger is one of the more destructive interpersonal styles. It is a behavior characterized by the phrase, “You  can’t make me!” The statement is undeniably true. Since relationships are built on agreements, if someone makes an agreement and then doesn’t follow through, this is angry behavior that is based on not doing something. That aspect of “not doing” is what makes this kind of behavior passive-aggressive.

As a style of anger use, passive-aggressive behavior is incredibly destructive to relationships. It destroys trust, and the people on the other side of this behavior experience it as crazy making. They hear the words of agreement spoken, and continue to hope that agreements will be kept, only to experience escalating levels of injury, frustration and anger. In this way, passive-aggressive behavior draws anger towards the person behaving that way. The partner, often called the “Hostile-Dependent,” makes more and more accusations, all true, about the passive-aggressive partner’s betrayal of trust though breaking agreements.

One of the main difficulties for someone who has a passive-aggressive style is that they are frequently out of touch with their feelings. They don’t know that what they’re doing is angry. Frequently they are puzzled and resentful of their partner’s constant anger and disapproval. Another problem in changing passive-aggressive behavior is that it has some of the dynamics of addiction associated with it. Doing what you want instead of what you’ve agreed to do feels good every time in the short term, even if it’s destroying your relationship.

So i guess i just wanted to talk about how you can have the best intentions and make sacrifices for people you care about, but often you just do them the wrong way. Everything thinks i’m so wise on this stuff but no, i’m not. Doing in practice is so much harder.  I have no idea how to handle most situations and i just have to theorise because it’s the only way i can really cope. My own heart is so heavily locked away that i just won’t have anyone near it. I’ll fight tooth and nail to make sure you’re kept out. I want to open it up but i can’t because every time i do, the other person just walks away from me. It’s never safe or secure to let anyone in.

These words are about the time i got it so wrong.

I couldn’t think with all the chaos around me. She didn’t talk to me and i got scared i think. Yep, the big nasty Alex Cameron gets scared. So i did what people do when they get scared – attack. You were hurting me, so i hurt you to stop you hurting me with your silence. I don’t know how to sit there and be hurt without saying anything or being understanding. I don’t know how to do anything else than to war. It sounds trite, but nobody’s ever loved me enough to help me learn to do it. Nobody’s ever given any thought to how i feel underneath the brick shell and reassure me when i’m lashing out. Because that’s all i’m really asking for – to be reassured you care. In the most asinine way, it’s very much like a little boy, as pathetic as i feel saying that. But at least it’s honest.

Everyone always assumes that because i come across so confident and forcefully that it seems like i don’t need any sensitivity or care. It’s funny as i remember the only thing that would stop my violent fits when i was younger was my Nan coming in and just simply saying “What’s the matter?”. I always just burst into tears immediately. And i still do it now. There isn’t a single person i can name who has asked me in the last year whether i’m ok or what the matter is. I hurt a lot of people when i’m hurting. But that’s the thing, as nobody can see it’s because i’m hurting and they do nothing about it anyway. They just make out to be some of angry monster, which i guess i can understand.

Am i allowed to have faults? Am i entitled to the same love and care i try to give you, or is that irrelevant because i have to be perfect?

Why is ok for you to hurt me as much as you like, but if i hurt you, the world is over? Why is ok for me to feel all these things but when you do, there is terrible retribution?

In the last few weeks i have been called all the names under the sun; been labelled, accused, slandered and insulted; been misunderstood and misinterpreted; had to deal with the person i love totally withdrawing from me, going completely cold and refusing to do or say anything. And then with every move i make, denounce me as some kind of evil. I’ve been worried out of my mind about her. Everything has been my fault – everything you can name. All her pain is my fault. All her anger, spite and frustration is levelled at me. I literally have had to deal with an avalanche of emotional chaos and been blamed for all of it. When i react to that, it’s unforgiveable.

It started when i lost my temper, as it terrified her.  I don’t understand why i am so frightening. I kind of realised i’d fallen in love her, and just like her, i freaked out.

She is lonely and isolated where she is and coming to terms with everything inside, but it’s all come out at me. I’m the one who is on the receiving end because i was the one who left her and said she had to change. I know i have to change too, but she never confirmed to me how.  I thought the shock and pain of losing the guy you love would be enough for her to get that help. But even though she understood why i did it, it ended up with her being more hostile to me, as anyone with an IQ over 20 could have predicted. The problem is that i don’t have an emotional IQ above 20. I just became the enemy. I know i’m an idiot, believe me. Of all the stupid things i could have done, i picked the most destructive and counter-productive.

I lashed out as i always do because i was scared and in a lot of pain. I was frustrated but couldn’t control it because her silence felt like she was punishing me and trying to control me. I am just human, but it’s not ok for me to make mistakes or not be perfect. She is struggling with the same things i am but i couldn’t open up to anyone who is pulling away from me, and she didn’t want to know regardless.

I split up with her because i couldn’t take the coldness – i just don’t what to do, or how to do it. I needed her to know that i was in pain and was creating havoc. I wanted her to take me seriously and start to get help, which she did. But now i am the one who feel that pain back. I don’t know how to love someone when they are pulling away from you. She doesn’t know how to love either but it’s ok for her and not for me. She’s completely numb to anything and everything and i have never had any idea what to do. She’s so angry with me for leaving her and so scared of me for being angry with her that i am now just another pain that is shut down.  She’s so obsessed with not being able to cope that she can’t see anything else. I don’t know how to cope with that.

I thought i could hold out. I was angry enough to. Just like hunger. Maybe i’d have some control over the situation.

Now i think about it, ironically what i’ve just done is like what girls with eating disorders do. I just starved myself of her to feel in control, and then collapsed from hunger. Maybe i do understand how they feel after all. Maybe i’m just the same as her and that’s why i feel so isolated. Ironically i think she would understand that. I’m not eating either, and i don’t eat much anyway. It would make sense as that’s what my sister did as well, and i starve myself of anything nice and used to block it all out with drugs and telling everyone to fuck off.  I starved myself of her just as she was starving herself of me. I did it to my ex too.

And now i’m thinking back to all the times i have ripped those people apart and feeling like a prize twat. Maybe all the times i’ve attacked them i’ve been attacking it in myself. There has never been any comfort for me. Anywhere.

It was what they say you should do when someone you love has a serious life-threatening problem – you don’t enable them and if you have to, you have to leave them. Well it didn’t work too well for me as it just made her feel more rejected and abandoned. I thought she’d see how important it was to me and how important i am. All it’s done is to make me more of a threat and send her spiralling into herself to do it more because of how much it hurt her. What a gigantic fuck up. I don’t know how i’m supposed to go back from that, as she doesn’t know how to come back from what she’s done.

What i learnt is that she is exactly the same as me – i shut the world out, keep an emotional distance and only talk from my heart when the situation is literally drastic. She never got to grow up and neither did i, as we always taking care of someone else. I want someone just to love me when i’m walking off and it’s not fair to expect them to do that. It’s not fair for anyone to expect me to do it. I’m a hypocrite.

I told her that “bye means bye” and tried to be honest and say i had a date. I’ve been trying to move on because it just doesn’t matter to her that i’m not around. Even writing this is going to make her think i’m trying to cage her or harm her somehow.

I honestly can’t believe how hurt she is. I don’t think i’ve ever seen someone so scared, hurt and confused. I’ve never seen someone so scared of me. A lot of it is my fault. What’s the use in saying sorry for something like that when the person is just too traumatised and shut down to hear it? I never thought she’d react as badly as she has because she was pulling away from me anyway. She didn’t need my support or anything from me so i don’t understand why she cared. She’s all strong and independent so why on earth would i matter to her? I don’t understand why she’s scared of me when i’m angry because i’m scared of her? I don’t mean anything to her and all i do is spend every day doing everything i can to wreck her life so i don’t understand.

Debs wrote this to me and i wish she’d told me a month ago so i’d know what to do. It might help someone else who is in the same position as me. You never know.

She obviously has some real demons that she needs to battle. One of the most important factors of any relationship is the ability to recognise when you’re needed, even if they push you away. I know it’s very easy for me to sit here and tell you that pulling away was the worst thing you could have done, but it’s something that a lot of people do and it makes the situation worse. If someone is pulling away, find out why. If it’s not your fault then you shouldn’t back off. A lot of people let their pride get in the way and back away too, a defensive tactic. The best way you can probably get around this problem now is to not pressure her and say ‘Ok I understand that this isn’t something you can do right now, but I want you to know I am here for you, with no agenda, just because I love you and I want to help’. That will mean more than trying to get back with her when she can’t handle it. Then she will realise that you aren’t going to hurt her and that you will help. But you have to be strong, and if she starts pushing you away again - stand firm. To someone with an eating condition, pulling away is a sign that you don’t love her and right now she won’t be able to work out that it’s because she’s pulling away.

Sorry, I probably sound like I’m trying to teach my grandmother to suck eggs but that’s my take.

I said to my sis that i don’t think i’ll ever be strong enough to be able to love someone gently when they are shutting me out. How on earth do you do that? I’m just not strong enough. I haven’t got a clue what to do. I never saw anyone do it when i was growing up, so i just copied my father. I hate it. If i could burn it out of me i would, because i hate him for making me this way. I hate myself for not being stronger and being more loving. Sometimes i just give up and have to accept that i’m a monster. No matter how hard i try or how i work out how to change it, my heart is just pathetically weak. Don’t ask me to love because the only thing i’ll be able to say is that i can’t. I can’t do it without reassurance.

All i ever saw was my dad do it to my mum. I’m trying to fight this but there are days when i am just too weak.

All i’ve ever wanted was for someone to see through me like i see them; to see that when i’m lashing out that i’m scared. When someone goes distant from me i panic because i feel like i’m about to lose them and it’s hurting. I just want someone to see that and love me enough to do something about it. I try and do it with anyone i can because i know their own pain isn’t always directed at me.  I wanted you to see that in me and know that i am as scared as you.  I want someone to love me enough to do that; to be important enough to someone for them to do that.

I want to be able to “walk alongside” someone, as my sis puts it. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I wish i was more magnanimous and hate myself for not being stronger. I can barely tell who’s my friend and who is out to get me. I’m so used to fighting wars that i have so little love left to give to anyone. I’m scared of giving it. I don’t know how. I’m fed up of fighting the autopilot, and there are days when i really can’t see the point of living when i can’t love properly. I can’t do that without help and forgiveness. But there’s no-one who has ever cared enough to forgive me or just sent me away when i asked.

I’m humble enough to say right here to everyone in public that i got it wrong. I fucked up. I am suffering for it, as i should. I am imperfect and human. I don’t have all the answers. I did what appears to be the right thing completely the wrong way. I tried to do what you’re supposed to do but it made everything worse. I am profoundly stupid and naive to think that it would do any good.

And now she is just a source of rejection to me, making me hypersensitive to everything she says and does.

I’m so tired of this. I just want someone to love me for who i am instead of this stupid image people have of me that makes them think i believe i’m better than everyone else and condescending. I just want someone to be stronger than me for a change and shout louder over me that they love me to shut me up. I’ve never wanted to change but i do now. I’m tired of starving and being scared. I’m tired of having to be strong all the time. But most of all, i’m so tired of having to learn these fucking lessons by losing fucking everything.

I don’t want you to you move back up north. I don’t want to scare you or hurt you. I don’t want the hassle of an evil controlling relationship. I know you love me, and i hate how much damage i’ve done. I wish i had a time travel machine so i could undo it, but i’m not even remotely perfect. I’m just as fucked up as you feel. What i want is for you to love me because i’m no good at loving anyone, and let me practice loving you back. I just want to be able to trust someone so i don’t have to keep looking out for when they’re going to hurt me. That’s the only thing can dissolve the anger i feel. Because we’re just the same and as guilty as each other.

Could you love me the way you wanted to be loved, despite all my faults and all the things i’ve got wrong? Every day i have to continually forgive all the people who go out of their way to make my life hell, but when will anyone forgive *me*?

Update: This is all now starting to make sense. She’s absolutely overflowing with anger. Uncontrollable, violent and terrible anger. I totally forgot that the very first stage in recovery is uncontrollable anger. It’s just not the shouting kind. Don’t do what i did. Do what Debs says to do. Learn from my mistakes.

“One day you will ask me, which is more important? my life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.”