Well i have to apologise for my shockingly lacking amount of updates. I tend to write more when i’m unhappy, but recently it’s been something of a diametric opposite. I’m curled up into me and not entirely sure what to write. I said to Debs, Jose and a few others i’d do one about how to get your boyfriend to romance you and how girls make some unbelievably simple mistakes, but the truth is just don’t feel too qualified.

Let me say now that i have no idea what i’m going to write, and no idea where this blog is going to go at all.

They say when you are faced with the most meaningful experiences and relationships in your life, you also face the greatest challenges. So here i am, on the edge of the precipice, asking myself what i want. I have everything laid out to me on an uphill rocky climb, and the rest of the world on a platter for no real effort at all. There is the slow, awkward slope, and a barrage of temptation encircling me. This week is going to be a total onslaught to see if i can keep on course, and i had warning of it. The knives are really out for me this time. I’m getting the whole idea of Christ in the desert – starved, weak and hungry, and then being served a 3 course meal.

Of course, this will mean nothing to you. You’ll never know or have any idea. All of this is just inside me.

It’s only Monday and the assault has started. By Saturday i will be staggering – mark my words. If anyone had any idea of the sheer weight of circumstance bearing down on my shoulders, they’d be shocked. No, i don’t want your sympathy or your empathy. It’s not “poor me” either. I’m strong enough with plenty to spare. I must be being trained for a third world war or something, as it’s just not natural for someone to deal with this level of responsibility. I’m just acutely aware of how many things hang on my words and my thoughts. I’m suddenly realising how many things hang in the balance, and how my behaviour affects how things turn out.

I’m in a series of very, very strange situations, all of which i have never been in before. I have no idea what to do. The only thing i can do is trust my instinct, but that in itself is poisoned by fear and insecurity. It’s a cold place where i am, and the only source of heat is from inside me.

Every time i write here i risk upsetting someone, making them feel something or sending them in another direction. According to Analytics, 47 individual people check this site at 7.30am before breakfast every day for fuck’s sake. Everyone needs me to be someone, to do something, or to be a certain way. I’m not averse to that at all as i live in a world of different people with different needs. But i am at a point where i’m worried about breathing the wrong way. I’ve always believed that you can have everything you want if you help enough people get what they want. I’m not perfect, but i want to leave this life knowing i’ve done every tiny thing i could to help others get to where they wanted to be.

There are people who are scared of me. Not a person, but people. Plural. I hate that idea, believe it or not. Yes, i am a vicious bastard when i want to be, but it’s normally because i’m scared out of my mind or just reacting really badly to being hurt somehow. But what can you do about fear? You can only get into that person’s shoes, absolutely accept and absorb the shame and guilt you feel, and resolve not to do it again because you were wrong and wronged someone else. Beyond that, what is there? Every time you get angry, they run for cover, even if that anger is legitimate. It doesn’t matter how hard you try, what effort you make or how bad you feel, their fear overwhelms them more than who you are inside. Am i my anger, or am i more that? What percent of me is it? Do i have a reason for it that might be to do with something you did and need to say sorry for rather than just shrugging your shoulders?

So many things are dependent on me right now. One foot wrong and i am totally fucked. What you don’t see is me ploughing it all over in my mind for hours each day trying to get it right and working through where i got it wrong.

I’ve learnt a lot about myself in the last few weeks. I’ve learned that i’ve never known what being supportive actually is, and how to do it; I’ve learnt that when i lash out my anger is very frightening; I’ve learnt that the people closest to me have no problem lying to me, even though i secretly know they are lying; I’ve learnt that the people who are closest to me aren’t close to me at all and can’t treat me like a total stranger in a heartbeat; i’ve learnt people push you away after they’ve opened up to you; i’ve learnt i know pretty much nothing when it comes to the heart; i’ve learnt that i need to extend myself, take risks and show people i love them in a leap of faith rather than just talk about it; i’ve learnt that i don’t realise what i have until i lose it; i’ve learnt many people have 2 faces and say something different to what they feel. The list goes on. I’m grateful for it.

One of the most important things i’ve learnt is just how important it is for me to be with someone who shows and expresses their feelings, as i’ve really taken it for granted before and gone the wrong way about getting it. Saying that though, i know all too well that it’s impossible to show how you feel if you’re scared. I stopped to reflect on my own jealousy and insecurities and realised that it is never an issue if i feel really close to someone – it’s only when a relationship becomes distant do i really start to feel terrified. And usually with good reason, as i’ve come to understand that the things people are worried about you doing secretly are the things they are actually doing themselves secretly. I need to have that intimacy and that closeness. I need to feel like i’m with someone who loves me and wants me, and to feel a sense of equality where you give and take in the same proportion. Let me feel loved and there is no argument, no insecurity or problems. Go out of your way to make me feel unloved or just let me fade, and it all kicks off.

Love’s like a heater, and people just go where it’s warmest.

It’s also important for me to be with someone who has fire, passion and a real knock-out blow; a strength of character that is enough to rise above the sins i commit and love me just for who i am with all my faults so i end up a better person driven on by an even greater woman behind me. It’s the difference between sitting there and doing nothing, and going “we ARE going to do something about this”, or a sense of vision and courage that reveals the sheer beauty within so you can bathe and marvel in it. Someone who will kick ass when it’s needed, but also be as vulnerable as a flower in the quieter moments.

For all the girls i’ve known who claim they “know” me, not one has come close. They certainly think they do, of course. Yes ok, as i never let them close, but none have cared enough to punch through, despite the many months they’ve spent being the “perfect” girlfriend they guessed i wanted. For every evening with that “perfect” persona, i’ve wanted 2 with the real one of them underneath. But what can you say to help ease that situation in without sounding more arrogant than i already do? I know you want to be miss perfect for me but would you please just be you?

But also to my detriment, i’ve realised most of my relationships failed in the past due to me not being patient, loving or understanding. I isolated and attacked that person. Now i know what the problem is and what to do, i can finally avoid that and get it right. A lot possibly learned too late.

And i just know every girl i’ve ever been involved with is now going to be reading that and having a conversation in her head as to whether it was written about her, how offended she is, and how she’s now going to punish me for it. This is my point.

That’s what happens when things get tough and fall apart – you just end up in a silly cycle of rejecting each other when you’re trying to make it better, or a game of pride where each of you claims you are more hurt than the other. It’s retarded – there is no winner, both of you are just as hurt, and yet neither of you are strong enough to be the first to move to be seen to “give in” (which is stupid in itself). You both lose. You both just carry on the same bullshit pattern. Somewhere it has to stop. My mum taught me the value of being able to apologise when it was safe to, as nothing was worth the sheer loss that results from pride. Some people will lose everything they have just because they are set on appearing a certain way or preserving something superficial that no-one will ever know about or remember.

Someone has to say sorry first. I’m happy to do that if it needs to be done. I will swallow my pride. Believe me, i will. I have a string of eyewitnesses for it.

Life is just too short. I gave up the idea a while ago now. Hey, if i’m wrong, i’m wrong. What’s the use in being proud? Where does it get me? It’s not going to protect me, it’s going to lose me everything. If the truth is that i was wrong, nasty, or misinterpreted, then that is the truth and that is the way it was. You accept you’re wrong and move on. You accept you’re both wrong and you just put it behind you. What’s the point in grieving over a broken leg when the cast is off and it’s no longer broken? How does a grudge protect you from anything? Isn’t the person and the relationship more important than your ego?

It’s amazing the amount of people who’ve never learnt to deal with conflict properly if you actually ask around, and more disturbingly, that they believe they should go through life without it or something’s wrong. Again, i learnt about resolving it through my mum. My dad just panics, gets defensive, seethes, bears a grudge and nothing is ever sorted out, ever. To him, everything is final, dramatic and last eternally. He will never let his guard down in case you think he’s “weak”. To my mum, a fight is just a fight. It’s normal. You calm down, say sorry and make up. No scrap or difference is too big that it’s bigger than your friendship or relationship. That’s the way i am. The relationship is more important than the inevitable bullshit. I forgive you for your insanity, and you forgive me for mine.

Ladies, may i say now that us guys do have to deal with conflict a lot more than you. Yes, we do. You throw it at us every single day. Why? A. PMT/moodiness. B. You don’t resolve it, only pacify it or silently “get on with it”. C. You test us to see some fire and strength. D. Do i need to carry on? Who fights the wars once you’ve started them? Are boys as catty as girls, or do we just have a fight and settle it?

You get angry and you say things you don’t mean. It’s normal. You scream, shout, whinge, throw things, stamp your foot and screech in frustration at the other person. It’s part of life. It’s part of being human. You fuck up. You sulk. It’s the freedom you have as a right to let it out and express your frustration. Yes, you probably end up hurting the other person, but that’s why you acknowledge the hurt, say sorry, and offer to make it up to them. Whatever happens, when you start to argue, you’ve both already lost. Everything else is just paperwork.

As Trisha Goddard puts it, if you don’t argue, you ain’t normal. Something’s wrong if conflict is not there – it means someone is bottling up and resenting, or those 2 people are possibly clinically brain dead. Conflict is a crucial part of everyday life, and whoever taught you otherwise was just plain wrong.

People have differences. They have feelings that conflict with other people’s. It happens. You fight. Horrid things get said in the heat of the moment. You both get hurt. We all have baggage from our past, and none of us have a clue how to handle it or whether we have got it right. But that’s what bonds us together – that none of us know more than each other, no-one has the one right way to do things or actually get it right most of the time.

The crucial factor is the drama involved.

For me, a relationship is a journey together where you work it out as you go along. It’s a constant cycle of growing, sharing, learning, conflicting, forgiving and so much more. What defines it is how you relate to one another – how well you communicate, how willing you are to empathise, extend yourself and change, and building a vision of something together that is greater than either of you. Ultimately it’s a vehicle for healing – it’s only in a relationship where you get the love and support you need to heal from baggage, and it’s the only time the baggage rears its ugly head to be dealt with.

As they say, the quality of your life is the quality of your communication. Communication is the pulse of a relationship. If there’s no pulse, it dies. It doesn’t matter how much you love each other. If you don’t talk, you’re destined for a lot of problems. And yes, even with a lot of talking, you argue. The idea is to minimise the amount of arguments, not eradicate them or live without them. Ideally if your communication is fluid you shouldn’t have arguments.

Arguments happen because you *don’t* communicate. It’s that simple. Communicate and they don’t happen. Full stop.

If there’s any argument, it means communication has failed somewhere by someone. It’s not talking, explaining, make a point or expressing your feelings that causes arguments, it’s NOT doing it.
Did everyone get that? Every single girl reading this? When you avoid talking, it *causes* an argument. Cold shouldering makes the thing you are afraid of actually happen – you’re causing it. You’re not avoiding one by staying silent, you’re *starting* one. IF just 25% of women i know understood that, they would have a hell of lot less scars from their heartbreaks, and they’d be romanced day in, day out.

God i really can’t over-emphasise that point.

Don’t want your boyfriend to get jealous? Communicate with him and reassure him. Want him to do the housework? Ask him to. Angry? Explain why. Need to talk? Ask him when a good time to sit down would be. Need him to listen and not sort out the problem? Tell him you just wantto talk at him and to stay quiet. Insecure and needing attention? Ask for it directly.

I can hear the cat-calling and every girl nodding away and saying to herself how right that sounds. Yes you knew that already, did you? But if you really agree with that, how come you don’t do it in real life when you’re in the situation? You live what you believe inside. Where did this idea of “if you love each other, you don’t argue” come from? Where did the idea “if you argue, the relationship is fatally wounded” come from? Where did this idea that “everything should be just automatic” come from? There is only one thing that fatally wounds a relationship and that is not resolving a (possibly very damaging) conflict maturely and lovingly.

My own pet theory is that women are scared of conflict because it means fear, hurt, intimidation and god knows what else. People aren’t stupid – they know when you’re pacifying them and telling them what they want to hear. No-one will ever thank you for it. They know when you are procrastinating and avoiding. It just shows you don’t care, and makes it worse. It you cared, you’d make the effort to deal with it and face the awkwardness. Not resolving something doesn’t make it go away; it just carries on and gets worse. You think holding onto your pain and hurt somehow “protects” you, but all it does is cripple and retard you. How on earth does it get you anywhere by working as hard as you can to make sure the other person knows you don’t care about them or the relationship?

Resolution for me is a deliberate act of equality, maturity and humility. You are both wrong. You are both hurt and angry. You both concede the moral high ground. You both calm down. You both let go and forgive at the same time. You take time to share your feelings and agree to make up and move on, and make sure it doesn’t happen again. You both value your relationship and act to deal with it together, and grow because of it. You start by valuing the relationship you have, and you work together to deal with problems because that relationship is valuable.

If the other person isn’t willing to meet you halfway and put down the weaponry, then they’re not interested in equality or humility and are only interested in power and control. In that case, you see just who they are and find out whether you should be in that friendship or relationship in the first place.

I know it’s easy to write all this here and in a lot of ways i fail my own principles when my heart takes control and wreaks havoc. But isn’t the point that all of this is a journey and a ride, and we don’t always know where point B is? Is there a meter that can measure who is more hurt? Can we predict tomorrow or redo yesterday? We are always blind, and sometimes we deliberately allow ourselves to be blinded by pain we could just discard and arguments that were never actually pre-destined but caused by our own hand.

All i know is that there are more and more things i don’t know as the days pass by, but i’m open to being put right, and closed to fear. My pride is pointless if it loses me what is precious, and i want to live, not drift, even if it brings me a strangely curved path of emotions i don’t like too much occasionally. The alternative for me is the coma, which is not living at all. It all comes down to how important hurt is to you, and when it has gone past its shelf life.

And i feel for you
Cause your eyes they whore
And think i hurt cause of something more
And see ya falling all apart
Cause your eyes they… they decide your heart

“Devil With The King’s Card”

Q: What’s invisible and smells of bananas?
A: Monkey breath

Yes young lady, you know who you are! -100 points for how bad that joke is!