As i’ve been talking about it for days, it’s time for the inevitable article where i push the button on my misogynistic tendencies to slag off women and attempt to do some good b by educating the fairer sex in the finer points of the male psyche. Tonight we’ll be discussing how to get a man to do what you want, and the mistakes you almost always make no matter how knowledgeable your mother thought she was when she taught you what you know about chaps.

First off, you have to understand that men aren’t cynical about women, they have just simply given up. Around the age of 25 when you’ve spent a good 10 years or so trying (and failing miserably) to please, appease or fulfil a woman’s desires in every way you can imagine, there is a point where all men just say “fuck it”. Whatever you do is never enough, and nothing makes them happy. There is always something else they’re not happy about or want after you just broke your back doing the last thing. Most men get to a stage where they just give up trying to please a woman and let them whinge on.

Now don’t get me wrong, of course you’re worth it. Of course we love you. It’s just that we give up caring or hoping you might actually be satisfied.

This is the reason golf was invented, and why men seek the company of other men in the pub. Just for some fucking peace and quiet where they are not being screeched at. You get to learn the phrase “Yes, dear” very well. You stop trying to calm a woman down and just conceal your bad habits because even if you got rid of them, there would be something next in the list you’d be in trouble for.

There is a female assumption that we should “just know”, be somehow telepathic or just have a psychic intuitive link with you, and it’s very, very divisive. Ok, that’s fine, and we should meet you half-way on it. No guy really has a problem with that. It’s when you get silently resentful because we somehow don’t “just know” as we should, and don’t say anything about it. The idea that we should get “hints” is also laughable – no man has ever got a “hint” in thousands of years., but women still do it and expect us to get them. A hint in guy language is a cricket bat round the face.

But crucially, there are 2 MASSIVE mistakes girl makes that, if corrected, would mean they would get everything they wanted 1000x faster than they could ever imagine without any struggle.

They are:

1. Phrasing something in a way that doesn’t undermine our sense of competency, and
2. Giving us a reason/reward for doing something.

A guy’s greatest sensitivity and sore spot is that he is “not good enough”, not competent enough or just generally weak, useless and unable. Press that button and you will get a nasty reaction – the same kind we get when we indicate you are slightly past your prime or need to shift a few pounds at the gym. The walls go up, the back also goes up, and you’re in for a confrontation immediately. You won’t get anything meaningful sorted out and it will done begrudgingly at the slowest rate possibly. Agreeing to what you ask is accepting and condoning that you think we are useless.

Girls do things because they “just know” they have to be done and just assume we silently give out brownie points the way they do. Not so. Being loving, supportive, romantic and all that is automatic and you do it just because you are meant to do it. Men are hunters – they have a mission, a target and a reason for most things they do that are logical and rational. Now i haven’t met many chicks who would describe themselves as either logical or rational. A good example is shopping – a man usually has a plan, a timeframe, a target and executes it. Cavemen bringing home food don’t have time to browse or think about how they feel. We have to have a reason and a end goal (or reward).

All guys love a mission. We have an insane desire that can be inflated by the woman we love that is enough to lead to decades of war, centuries of artistic creativity and heroic escapades that are the stuff of legend. We love it. Deep down all of us want to be the knight in shining armour, the James Bond or the Prince who puts the show in Cinderella’s foot. There is no length we won’t go to to keep our loved ones safe or the look of admiration/approval on our love’s face. If you can learn to harness that, you’ve got it made.

So here’s how it works.

When you want something, bear in mind how you ask for it. Do it in a way that is encouraging and challenging, not in a critical whingeing way with all the details of what you’re unhappy about. All a guy hears is “you’re not goo d enough”. I absolutely guarantee that if you’re complaining, however lightly, he’s hearing he’s not good enough. If you get a funny reaction or resistance, you’re telling him he’s not good enough. He’s not hearing how you feel, he’s hearing your judgement of him.

The other thing is to give him a reason to do what you want him to do. Give him a reward somehow or something beneficial that he is going to get out of it. This isn’t as hard as you might expect, as we don’t need to be patronised into something, we just need to know why we’re doing it. It’s not cynical or manipulative, it’s just appealing to the male brain.

The best way to explain is to give a few examples. So let’s say you want him to do some cleaning around the house because he’s fallen behind on it and being lazy.

The wrong way:

“i’m sick of doing everything, why can’t you just help out and pull your weight like i have to? I’m always picking things up for you and the place is a mess. If you cared about me or our relationship you’d make more of an effort.”

That equals “You are not good enough. You are not competent or useful.” Don’t expect it to get done.

The right way:

“The house needs to clean because … [reason]. Can you help me out to get it done so we can chill and relax together? I’ve got suspenders…”

Or that you’re really stressed and you’ll need to wind down, with suspenders. The quicker you de-stress, the sooner you can get down to some sweet lurve to celebrate.

This works beautifully if you want to be romanced too and he’s got slack at it.

“Romance me. Impress me. Make me fall madly in love with you. Let me fall for you big time. Romance me and you’re getting suspenders.”

See the difference? He has a reason to romance you (you’ll fall more in love with him) and a reward (you’ll fall more in love with him, and he gets suspenders). He has a reason, and he’s needed. He’s wanted. He’s competent and good enough to do it. You empower him and challenge him to something. You send him on a mission that he can complete and get that gorgeous look of love and admiration on your face as a reward for it. Tell him to go out and build a world for you. Tell him you want to see him conquer and create an empire. There is no greater motivation or inspiration for a man. You must always, always be giving out the message that he is good enough and can do it.

Tell him to impress you, but not in a way that says he’s not impressive as he is – you want the extra bit.

Or of course, you could just put him down constantly, expect him to be like a girl and sit there silently seething.

If you want him to just listen to you (rather than interrupting you to tell you what to do), tell him you need him to just sit there and let you vent at him and you just want him to sit there and say nothing. Then give him a hug afterwards, and say thanks for letting you vent. Ever thought of that, instead of getting frustrated he should” just know”? If you want to talk, ask him when is a good time and agree when you’re going to sit down for it together.

None of it is particularly hard now, is it? A bit like if we said “go on honey, lose those annoying few pounds!” enthusiastically – you’re not going to feel too inspired to do it because you feel like he thinks you’re fat and ugly. Whereas if he just worshipped your naked body and told you how sexy he found you when you’d worked up a sweat and loved your confidence and racing libido from it, it would be a lot more motivating. It’s not even about sensitivity; it’s about understanding someone’s motivations – a little realpolitick, if you will.

I wish i had the will to write more, but i have to pen my speech for tomorrow and have no idea what the fuck i am going to talk about. Until then, ciao.

And look at the stars
Don’t they remind you just how feeble we are
Well it used to, I guess
Cause ever since I tried trying not to find
Every little meaning in my life
It’s been fine, I’ve been cool
With my new golden rule
Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
I’m over the analyzing tonight
Stop trying to figure it out
It will only bring you down
You know, I used to be the back porch poet with my book of rhymes
Always open knowing all the time I’m probably
Never gonna find the perfect rhyme
For ‘heavier things’

“New Deep” by John Mayer