I got up at 6am, and i have to say the world does indeed look so very different. It’s no secret that i hate early mornings as they make me feel like i’m part of the 9to5 world. I couldn’t sleep and kept tossing and turning over the knife edge that was last night. So much has happened in the last few weeks – Kate’s had a baby, Tom’s got married, Rich has started a new company, Clare and i agreed to move in together. This week i am separately meeting 2 billionaires, and somehow missed my day at Microsoft. Since we started the investment process i’ve been in a state of flux and this year has been different to any other i’ve experienced in my life. A constant rollercoaster.

I was standing outside smoking a cigarette when in the background i overheard a feint announcement on the train platform saying “…you are being recorded on camera” and my viewpoint changed slightly. I’m not sure if i want to live permanently in this country anymore. I know i will always have a base in London but i’m worried this place is becoming far too oppressive for my tastes.

I’m feeling slightly lost, and maybe in shock a little. The last few weeks have really knocked me off balance and drained me somewhat. I’ve been thinking heavily about the true cost of what’s happened and making some serious decisions about the way i need to be in future.

I haven’t been writing so much as i usually just pen what’s been going around in my head, but this time it’s next to impossible as those thoughts could impact very negatively on certain situations. I’m not censored but i need to be careful of what i say and do. Could this be the beginning of a new sensitive me? Possibly. I don’t want to lose that fierceness if i can help it, but i do want it to be more controlled and targeted. Kel’s said she’s noticed my voice has got softer as the weeks have gone on, which i didn’t pick up on at all. I guess the voice echoes the heart. As Suz would say, “tres gay”.

I’d love to write in depth about the weekend, as lots of you know how it important it was. I can’t. I don’t think anyone could have known how important it was when it actually happened. I missed Tom’s wedding, but i need to write an apology to him explaining that i was trying to make sure i have one of my own to the girl i spent the days with. Tom’s an amazingly kind and understanding guy so i’m sure he’ll be ok with it. I would have probably shown him up anyway

Each day feels like a year at the moment. Each week feels like a decade and takes forever.

Both of us feel like we’re being tested, and are constantly being tested. Everything that could possibly have been thrown at both of us has been unleashed - almost everything you can imagine. I don’t think i’ve seen such violent resistance to anything in my life so far. Anything that could drive us apart conspired and has attacked us separately and together. It nearly didn’t happen and it couldn’t have happened at a more critical point. It’s still going on now, almost like a war being waged over a future we might have together.

I think, and i hope, fingers crossed, we’ve survived it. Things are so fragile.

This might seem like a strange metaphor, but it’s how it feels. Imagine a very fragile little lamb walking through a corridor of prowling, drooling vicious wolves just scratching and lashing out to get it. But its walking through anyway, unharmed, as fragile, small and precious as it is.

I’ve learnt a lot, and i find myself in a very strange place because it requires a lot of strength, patience and understanding in the midst of chronic insecurity and uncertainty. I know Kel feels weird, as when i spoke to her on the phone she was happier than i’ve ever heard her before. I’ve never seen anyone smile in their sleep, especially someone who does have a lot of nightmares – all i was thinking was “i know what you’re feeling even if you don’t and i wish you could see this”. I do know that i feel closer to her than ever before and i really want to protect that and nurture it. She’s really confused and all i can do is to try and be there for her, walk alongside her and just love her unconditionally.

To be honest, i don’t know what i’m doing, but i know i love her and seeing her just feeling happy and liberated by someone loving her makes it worth it. Whoever said the course of true love never runs smoothly was a very wise man. You have to walk through the fire and into the burning building sometimes to show you mean what you say and feel, and to show someone you believe they are worth it. I’ve learnt that love is what you do, not what you say. You can tell them all you want or write it on 1000 pieces of paper, but you actually need to show someone for them to feel it.

I have been terrible at doing that – i’ve wanted all the benefits without the risks, and had tantrums when i didn’t have it all my way. I’ve actually enjoyed taking the risk despite how painful some of the things i’ve found out are. It makes you feel alive and gives you a reason for living in the first place. It feels like what we are actually designed to do. The decision to let your love for someone be bigger than the hurt is really quite profound – more so for them than for you in many cases. It’s the ultimate in bravery and strength, and being a boy, that feels damned good.

I turned my laptop off today, and the world looked different again. Virgilio and i laugh about our Internet addiction, but i think there might be something to it. Some people put physical barriers between themselves and others (e.g. crossing their arms, meeting tables, holding pets etc), but i think i may have put up an electronic barrier. If you don’t live together or are far apart (e.g. soldiers in the Middle East) you are almost entirely dependent on email, MSN, Facebook, texting and whatever else. But it’s a false “cyber” image of someone you have in your mind that is far more impressive and perfectionist than an everyday human being.

I know this may sound stupidly obvious but in a 24/7 culture, you need to physically spend time together. They need to hear your voice on the phone and actually touch your skin. I can’t live at a distance from someone i love as it creates an amplified/distorted image of them and insecurity runs rampant. I love the idea of missing someone though. It the same reason i don’t go to bed early – i need a reason to go to bed before 12. The one i want is not to sleep per se, but to cuddle up with the person i love and fall asleep together. You wait – the moment i have that reason you’ll see me up at 5.30am every morning jogging. Virgilio and Nat met on a Tuesday, and moved in together on the Wednesday, and have never been apart. Debs and Geoff are the same.

I think one of the things i’ve gently come to accept is that being with someone long-term is actually quite cool. It’s not easy of course. One of the things i said to Kel to try and help her discern what she feels was that we’ve never not been in a relationship – we just went straight into it entirely naturally, almost immediately. Instant attraction, rapport and banter. She feels like “home” to me, and i think she’s pretty much the same (she nodded gently so i’ll take that as a yes for now). Home is a person, not a place. If you had a frightening home, a person you love can become frightening. But home is a feeling you have for someone i think.

I’ve spent the day in the sun in some temporary peace and looking back on this year to look at the real cost of the last few months. You have to question it to know if you are being fair to yourself and to understand whether it’s worth it and why. The way i look at it is that if this girl is my one, then it’s nothing in the grand scheme of things. I see someone who’s been loved for the first time and is taking her first frightened steps to letting herself actually receive that love and be vulnerable with a guy who’s seriously strong and challenging (and yes, 90% moron). I look back on half a year where the two of us have been nothing short of massively transformed for the better from being together. When you compare where we both were, and where we are now, it’s insane. Imagine where we could be in a year at this speed.

That’s what blows me away - so much positive change so quickly just from us coming into each other’s lives. We may just on course to do some really big things together for ourselves and other people.

As i write this, i’m reading an email from Sarah with my last piece in, and her comments, in green writing. And laughing out loud. For the record, “did you ruin a good thing because it was great?” is a boy thing. We do that for some reason. Girls don’t understand it too well but we just don’t like the risk when you chicks are all too easily swayed by other guys. Sometimes it feels like the best way is to just keep your toes in the water and the rest of your body out. I’m coming to disagree with that as putting yourself out there feels strangely very rewarding.

I might just sound like a hippy here, but i don’t care. Eat me.

I think i can summarise the turnaround in my thoughts as a philosophical change, and it explains why i am doing things differently. It’s just clicked in. The reason i’m not angry and ranting is that i’m understanding that hurting people hurt people, and most people’s problems stem from not feeling loved and needing to be loved. We get ourselves into the most twisted and impossible situations. It started with getting the whole idea of being supportive, but it’s extended on to encompass the notion inside me that love can actually solve what anger can’t. Most hurtful things are done out of anger, fear or childlike feelings, and love just drowns them and breaks their back. Once you get past that, stand back from it and choose to rise above it to make the situation better, things really do start to change. It’s the only way things change.

Some people are so frightened and desperate when it comes to love that it literally overwhelms them – in fact, i think it’s true of all of us. The things that were always my immediate reactions (getting defensive, insecure, angry etc) just aren’t actually appropriate as a response anymore. In my heart and mind, they’re outdated. The only practical response seems to be love, after you’ve got all the crap out. It doesn’t make much sense to pour out the frustrations when it sends someone in the other direction – it doesn’t help them, change anything or help your friendship/relationship. It actually compounds the problem if you’re as vicious as i have been in the past.

That past of mine really is seeming like a foreign country that does things differently. I wish it was that easy but you need reassurance and encouragement that you’re doing the right thing and the new way is paying off. I’m worried i will relapse and i’m just trying to embed it in myself not to. Loving someone who has stopped saying “i love you” back is a terrifying experience – you’re vulnerable, naked, wide open and totally victim to being manipulated and exploited, not to mention rejected and hurt. I’m not sure if that’s what Christ meant by pearls and swine, as scripture says everyone deserves love, even your enemies. Still getting my head around that one.

So on balance, love is actually more effective than anger. It’s more long-term and positive than ranting or lashing out. It’s a solution rather than another addition to the problem. It frees people and has a mind of its own that everyone is powerless to resist. It’s actually unbeatable – if you keep responding to evil and hurt with love, they cave in quickly as there is nothing they can do to conquer it. At Acorn recently one of my old greys said to me “love itself IS healing”, and i think that’s true. Just loving someone and them having the experience of that love heals you. It’s not you per se, but the love itself. It’s very, very dramatic and incredibly powerful. There is something so very noble about rising above the chaos and loving someone unconditionally, as impossibly hard as it is to do.

I’m wondering how being loved unconditionally in return will change me. I suspect it will change me forever, and i’m looking forward to receiving that as i know how hard (but wonderful) it is to give it. I hope Kel will be able to do that because if we both do at the same time, it’ll mean she could wake up as happy as she was today for the rest of her life. Perhaps to receive and value that love i needed to understand what a sacrifice it is to give it in the first place. Something unbreakable often rises as a fragile thing out of the smoke and ashes of something painful. Good always comes from bad, always.

What i learned irrevocably is that although ideas are bulletproof, love can pierce things and reach places that bullets cannot.