All today i have found the same words coming out of my mouth – “it’s a matter of how you approach things. You don’t HAVE to do things that way.” You don’t have to approach the situation like that. You don’t have to drive that way down that road. You don’t have to attack me. You don’t have to think or assume that. You have a choice. There is an alternative. You are not powerless, you can change things. You can interrupt the things you think are automatic and redirect them. You are not a robot. You are not a victim. You are not a slave to protocol. There is another way, there is another interpretation of this situation.

If you assume you are going to get hurt, you can get so scared that you lash out first like a wounded animal in a corner. Then because you’ve attacked, you get attacked back, when of course you yourself would just sit there and take it, or walk away. The thing is, you were never going to be attacked in the first place and by striking out pre-emptively, you caused a fight that was never going to happen. At that point the person getting attacked can make the decision to react to you in patient kindness, but more often the human response is to close up and lash out back. Then denial kicks in and you convince yourself you were always going to be attacked because it happened, and it reinforces it into your heart as a habit so you do it next time, because it happened the last time so you can assume it will happen again.

I don’t know about you but i can’t sit there and do nothing whilst i’m being attacked. I’m not one to run from a fight, but it really does depend on how you approach the situation. You could simply be terrified and lash out, or you could be gentle and ask for reassurance, trusting that you will get it. You can’t trust just anyone obviously, but if you attack anyone or poke them for long enough, they will lose their temper – it’s just human. The only people who don’t are those who are walkovers and people so chronically co-dependent that they adsorb it out of sympathy they make out to be love. It occurs to me that the simplest question we all asking in those moments is “do you care about me?” and a hurtful response to anything is a way of saying “i don’t think you care about me.”

Isn’t that the hidden question we are all asking, all of the time? But also the hardest that takes seemingly impossible bravery? The risk is someone will take it as a chance to hurt you or deliver some bad news. But most of the time it’s a chance to feel loved, but we’re all too scared to take that chance to hear the answer.

In honesty, who on earth is going to say “no” to a question like that? That’s what makes it so absurd. The next piece is “how much do you care?”. I have no problem with that type of question because it means i get an opportunity to articulate my feelings for someone and see the beaming smile on their face afterwards. Not to mention that they automatically reciprocate by telling me they care too. And all it takes is for a situation to be intimate enough, and for one of you to be brave enough to ask first time round.

What we also do is make decisions for ourselves without even asking the other person. We look at what people do, and decide how much they care about us. If they told us, maybe we wouldn’t believe the answer. But why not ask them to explain in a way that is credible and believable, in a way that we could trust?

For the record, in print, if you ever ask me that question, ever, it is such a vulnerable and honest question that i will never attack you or abuse you for it. The only answer you will get is “YES!” and the reasons why. It could be a situation to be abused, or it could be one for reassurance and to really feel loved. I guess it comes down to what you yourself would do if someone asked you that, and if you would abuse it, you will expect others to as well. At that point you need to be asking yourself some big questions.

Stand up for bein’ the last one to control
what you can’t see is bein’ the last one to know

Fade into a dream
Try and save me from myself now
Save me from myself now
Fallen from the world
If I could ever breathe in the air
Maybe then I wouldn’t suffocate

“Suffocate” by Sevendust