Stella once joked that i was finally a man that came with an instruction manual in the form of this site. Since there are so many people who are allegedly scared of my rather vicious tongue and don’t seem to understand how not to get shouted at, i thought i’d give you a hand. Follow this checklist and you can’t go wrong. It’s actually very easy, but if you might find it hard if you are a pussy, a compulsive liar, an adult child or a control freak.

If you do any of these things, you will find yourself on the business end of my indignation. You can pretty much guarantee that the reaction you will get will be awful.

Don’t bullshit me or lie to me to please me or avoid an argument
This is generally done by teenage girls, and very weak people who can’t assert themselves. The problem with bullshitters is that they tend to think they are better at it than they actually are. People sense when they are being bullshitted as it causes an uncomfortable cognitive dissonance, even if they can’t work out what’s a lie and what’s not. Lying and bullshitting *always* causes arguments and resentment, with no exception. It also destroys trust. If you try to avoid an argument by lying, you are 100% guaranteed to start one. I don’t want to be pleased or to be told what i want to hear (as if you think you know!), i want honesty, even if it’s painful. You’re not “helping” me, “saving” me or “supporting” me If you bullshit me, i will call you on it and go for you about it as i trust my gut instinct over what you have to say. By that stage i couldn’t give a shit about the original situation as i’m too furious that you bullshitted me. No bullshit = 5% chance of argument. Bullshit = 100% certainty of an argument. There was never going to be an argument, but as soon as you decided to lie, you created one and fulfilled your own prophecy. If this is your preferred way of dealing with things, grow the fuck up.

Alternative: Be straightforward, honest and assume i’ll be cool with it. Trust me with being cool and i will trust you back.

Don’t behave like a victim
Victims let bad and destructive things happen because they are too weak, confused or cowardly to step in and stop them happening. And once they’ve happened, they turn it all inward to punish themselves in months of self-pity. No human being is powerless (unless it’s in a situation that involves physical/sexual violence as that’s entirely different), and although i have compassion for those who feel trapped and helpless, not doing something about a problem once you know the answer or can see the way forward is just unforgivable to me. Victims shrug their shoulders, give up, admit defeat, complain about how powerless they are and hwo fucked things are, but still do nothing to make anything better. They make no effort, don’t fight, just waste away and suffer endlessly for no reason - at the same time blaming you for all their problems. And they will let you suffer too by including you in the list of things they can’t do anything about. Put your neck out for me and i’ll always respond positively without exception. I have more respect for those who give up being a victim than anyone else.

Alternative: Take the initiative. Apologise for your part, i’ll apologise too. Then make up for it. Make a plan to deal with it and start making things better. Actually DO something.

Don’t sell me out
This should go without saying. Take me for granted like i’m a piece of worthless meat, or betray me, and you’ll definitely get nuked. If what you’ve done is unfair, heartless or badly thought out, you won’t get a thank you letter in the post and i won’t be rolling over for you to pet my stomach.

Don’t tell me one thing whilst thinking/feeling another
I wear my heart on my sleeve and believe life is just too short to be defensive and hide what you want, think or feel. I know that’s not the case for other people, and that’s cool. I’m not saying everyone should be like me. If you tell me something that is in conflict with the way you act, it’s not necessairly bullshit, but it is completely pointless. There is no point suffering in silence because you expect i am like everyone else and will hurt you somehow if you tell you how you feel about me. I may be a lot of things but i have NEVER rejected or abused anyone who has genuinely opened their heart to me. And i never will. I respect that kind of bravery, honesty and the seize-the-day attitude. I don’t give a shit about rules, guidelines, policies, soap operas, the way you “should” do things or what is expected of you. Just say it. This is our world, our lives and we weren’t born to walk around trying to work out who’s rules we should follow. If you are happy to lose out or live with never saying/doing anything about it, you’re not the kind of person i want close to me.

Alternative: Fuck the rules and what you “should” do. Just say and do what’s in your heart.

Don’t mislabel me
I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, and if they have even the most remote of truth to them i tend to be accepting of the insult. I accept i make people feel a certain way and can behave in a way that makes people upset. What i have a problem with is when it’s taken beyond insults and to somewhere else, where i am accused of being something i am not. Yes, i guess i can be monstrous, as we all can. The words for i think are “false witness”. I respect truth, and if what you are saying is blatantly not true and just designed to hurt, i will lash out.

Alternative: Stick to what’s true and what you feel.

Don’t try and play mind games with me
I was brought up in a house where arguments and manipulation were what my life consisted of for 20 years, which means i can spot a game from virtually another country. The telltale sign of manipulation is that it requires and forces you to “do” something - to react in a certain way and take in a message. Women are the absolute worst for this and most you ask will agree (their games are also very subtle). Don’t try to make me jealous, play push/pull, guilt trip me, “manage” me, give me the cold shoulder, turn me against others, make out you are indifferent and don’t care etc etc. All it tells me is that you are scared of me and trying to “get” something from me that i will never give up if i know you’re trying to force it out of me. Sometimes i’ll lash out, sometimes i just won’t react at all and write you off. The latter is more frequent because it just tells me i can’t trust you, you are childish and i am too involved with you and need to pull away.

http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-manipulate-men-mind-games-for-bad-girls

Alternative: Just be honest, ask me straight out whether i care and get the reassurance you need.

Don’t be stupid or cruel
The law of the jungle and basic human nature says that if you attack, you will be attacked back because it’s the automatic defensive reaction. You don’t have to be vicious, spiteful or cruel, especially if its just because you can’t have what you want. If you want to argue with me, fine. I’ll respect your right to do that, as well as your right to feel the things you feel. Where i draw the line is things thrown at me deliberately to get a reaction and hurt me. The fact you’re doing it means i’ll throw something back that is a lot worse to make it clear not to fuck with me. If you can’t be bothered to think through your actions, work out things in your own head and heart, or actually communicate with me, you’re guaranteeing a scrap.

Alternative: think things through, be brave, be vulnerable and stick to arguing the problem only.

Read this and still carry doing these things
Some people just sit there and read this thinking it’s a cutesy little article they can disregard. If you read this, if i know you’ve read it and you STILL do these things, that’s worse than anything. If i go so far as to write you a fucking instruction manual and you somehow can’t get it into your head not to bullshit me, mislabel me, play games or act hurtfully, you deserve everything you get.

So what you have to do to provoke me into genocidal abandon is to sell me out very cruelly with a load of bullshit, mislabel me for it, bullshit me about it and then pretend there is nothing you can do.

All of these things are done to cover something, avoid something, or to protect yourself somehow. The irony is that if you do them, you guarantee yourself that you’re going to get into a conflict.

If you think carefully, you’ll see that it’s not what you’re saying, it’s what you’re doing that i find offensive. Of course you can talk to me about things that will potentially hurt or upset me, but if you do things in a way that is offensive or childish, i find the act itself more offensive than what you’re saying. Being lied to is worse than what you’re hiding; sitting there doing nothing is worse than the problem itself; being betrayed or being treated like you’re worthless is worse than breaking up; trying to manipulate or hurt me is worse than saying something straight out.

All of these things convey a lack of respect for me and a message you don’t care about me at all, which to me constitutes an attack on my character and who i am. You’re not helping me by feeding me bullshit or pleasing me. If you attack me, i will not sit there and take it. I will attack you back, 5x as hard. Smart cookies would have worked out by now that the best thing to do is to get control of their fear and their anxiety, and talk with me normally and reasonably.

What makes me angry is the lack of character and lack of integrity that makes people do it. I hate cowardice. I hate lies. I hate helpless victims. I hate immaturity. I hate games. I hate thoughtlessness.

Also it’s a good idea not to assume anything with me. I keep my cards to my chest and rarely let people see what i think or feel. The decision you’ve made in your head about what i’m doing, who i am, or what i feel is almost always wrong (over 90% of the time). The best way to find out is just ask me straight and i’ll tell you. But don’t pre-empt or presume to know and then work out a plan of action to “get” it from me somehow, as i’ll see it coming a mile off and just send you packing.

But why can’t i just be more accepting?

Why on earth should i accept any of that? Can you give me one valid reason? Sorry, but i’m not obliged to take that shit from anyone. Maybe you sit there and let it happen to you, or know people that do, but i won’t have it. Perhaps that’s unreasonable to you, but all of these things are unreasonable to me. You can make your own rules for your own life, and these are mine. I try to give people as much leighway as possible but i really don’t suffer fools. Nobody has to do these things, and nobody is powerless.

You have no need to be scared of me if you avoid any of those things. You will never, ever be lashed out at for being completely honest, respectful and compassionate, because i’ll intuitively sense your character and respect you for it. I may not like it, but you won’t be lashed out at. I have standards and i won’t be abused, disrespected or lied to. The problem is that you get confused by exactly what causes such a heavy reaction and assume it happens every time. It doesn’t. It only happens in certain circumstances, and if you see the people who are close to me in my life, they are all people who are happy to be straight with me and have character. They understand what will happen if they do any of those things, don’t want them done to them either, and generally they avoid them like the plague.

You are not powerless. You are not helpless. You don’t have to go through what you’re going through. You don’t have to do any of these things. You can do something. You can make things better. You can do it differently. Your assumptions are almost always wrong, because i’m the world’s expert on me. These are my triggers.