The news hit me hard this weekend. Shaun is engaged. I couldn’t quite believe it. 2 out of the 3 africa amigos are now betrothed, and i am the last one who isn’t (and certainly won’t be for a long time to come if i can help it). Jase proposed to Karen on a safari, and God knows what happened with Tanner. I can only presume he was so drunk he had no idea what he was doing and only realised it the morning after in a sleepy haze. I honestly never thought any of us would until we were in our 30s at least, but i was right in saying that i would be the last to hold out. I’ve come round to the idea of getting married lately after working through a lot of my views i inherited from seeing the destructive mess my parents’ sham of a relationship was and what it cost all of us. But my cynicism has only really got worse so i’m in the process of resigning myself to making a lot of money and keeping emotionally detached from women. In my experience it’s just not worth the pain.

Edit: Just got this from Shaun:

Well, we’d already kind of discussed it… started as a joke then we got serious about it - went down on one knee on our 2nd anniversary of being together while out to dinner, gave her an emerald ring as she’s half Irish and always wanted one - all very romantic and guaranteed lots of consensual bumming. So how’ve you been - and what do you reckon about getting your arse out to Vegas?

Invites are being sorted, but we’re actually getting married on the 28th of October, flying out on the 25th. Staying and getting married at Circus Circus (Not by fucking Elvis). We have at least 25 people heading out so far, including Pan heading down from his new home in Canada and all sorts, so should be insane.

You will have to excuse the randomness of my ramblings as, i am of course, trashed. Yes, again.

One thing i’ve never understood about chicks is that for some reason they have to do things in such a way that makes a guy think it was entirely his idea. In “What Love Is”, they go to great lengths to explain how women “circle” men they are interested in and wait for a guy to make his move, making it seem like all his idea. It seems like that principle applies to almost every female situation. I really don’t understand why. They start an innocent conversation with a little small talk, on the basis it will lead to the guy bringing up the big issue you need to talk about. As if we don’t notice. We always have to do the main bit - why not just try it once in a while? It would be a nice change. Directness is a lot more attractive than diplomacy most of the time. It’s a hell of a lot more rock n’ roll.

And that is probably a good lesson, ladies. You may be an expert in attracting men, but many of you need some serious education in keeping them and getting them to love you after they’ve got your clothes off. Warm and affectionate is sexier than cleavage or well done make-up. Take it from me that the men you actually want to be with aren’t interested in stupid games, issues and your outward exterior pretense. It’s nice, but it won’t make us love you. If you want that, you had better be brave and you had better break the rules. 3 of us penned a really good tune this weekend at Miss D’s place called “You Make Me High” that describes it perfectly.

Taking the initiative is as sexy as fuck. I’d love to be proposed to - how cool and unique would that be? I don’t want to have to do everything all time. Breaking the rules is just sexy. Wow, how interesting you are when you do what you “should” do. I’d rather put my balls in a shredder than listen to you harping on about social convention. If i wanted to follow “rules” in relationships, i’d convert to Islam and move to Saudi Arabia.

June is going to be a huge month for me. Everything is going to change. In the last few days i created a full plan that’s ready to go, and it’s only when you make a plan that you realise you never made one before. I worked out all the finances, all the timescales and exactly what needs to be done and all the dependencies. In the next few weeks i have the move over to Clapham, a whole set of clients to do business development for, several part-time positions, a whole new wardobe to buy and a whole set of ideas just ready to go. The world is moving really fast and it’s amazing how much more productive you are without Facebook and MSN. Everything is going to change, and quite radically. I’ve literally reinvented my world, as i’ve got stuck in a hole that i’m pulling myself out of as we speak. It’s my time, my plan and my life to make happen. In a weird way it’s incredibly liberating.

So, to the subject of my love life, which seems to be what most people are interested in.

Thanks to everyone who txt and emailed me after seeing Em’s name pop up here, and for the curiosity that we might get back together (can you imagine the carnage?).  I have to say that i was incredibly shocked by how different she sounded, but somehow i really don’t think she’d be able to handle me a 2nd time around. All i will say is that we had a few very interesting conversations where the idea did come to mind, but i’m going to be just happy to buy her many drinks when she makes her way down south. I think i have a friend for life there and i’m sure you’ll all be seeing her again soon. I have no idea how i’ll feel when and if i see her, as it’s not as if we’ve ever followed those silly social rules and i’ll always love her. Whatever happens, knowing Em, it will always be interesting and never boring. I just hope she doesn’t put those eyes of hers to work on me, as it could be very dangerous.

The one thing i have come to appreciate with her is that she is very open and expressive about how she feels, and that’s worth its weight in gold. And she might be insane, but i absolutely love how cunning and devious she can be. Don’t ask me why, i just do.

I’ve kind of got 2 chicks blatantly “circling” me at the moment (yes HERRO!), but whose names won’t be mentioned here. It’s very difficult for me to say or do anything because of my feelings for Miss Dramatic of Kent, but i have met someone i think i like and who likes me. It’s one of those things where things have just grown naturally because of all the time i’ve been spending with her but i’ve been really honest about what’s going on in my heart. Thankfully she’s been really understanding and getting to know each other as friends is exactly right as it stands now. I don’t think she’s right for me simply as i don’t think i could handle what she does for a living and her fame wouldn’t make anything easy.

Well i guess i need to talk about the elephant in the room everyone keeps asking about. What happened with Kel? I have no idea. Where is she and what is she doing? No idea. I don’t want to know really for the time being as it’s probably a lot of things that would hurt me immensely. I should imagine that she’s convinced herself i’m somehow able to see her Facebook and god knows what else, and is doing her very best to provoke me by pushing the buttons she knows have worked in the past. The truth is i have deliberately avoided all that and i know i’m safe writing here as she’s going out of her way to avoid this site too. The last i heard she seemed to be coming round to understanding why i split with her in the first place, and maybe, just maybe, she might need to actually move on and cut off from her ex because it just might have been the problem all along. I’m looking forward to being blamed for all her personal unhappiness in the meantime of course, and to hearing how she can’t/won’t do anything about anything and how little she cares.

So basically where we at is that Kel’s basically got herself into a flap and blown up a situation that was minor to be a massive dramatic disaster that’s lasted for weeks and made me lash out, and she (very dramatically) doesn’t see any way out of such a drama, because of all the drama. It’s all way OTT and to be honest, a little ridiculous. Drama, drama and more drama.

And to answer the huge ongoing chorus of “why don’t you guys just make up?”, believe me, i’ve tried. Yes, i get it. I hear you. It’s not exactly easy when Kel can’t get her proud and stubborn head round the idea. I’d love to, but making up is a totally foreign concept to her - she literally has no idea what it is or how to do it (and i say that non-judgementally). She doesn’t seem to see that it’s an option or that it’s even possible, ever. Of course i hope we get back together (as do all of you apparently) but i’ve made it clear i’m not one of her “options” to keep open with the other lap dogs. I can’t be there in the middle of what she’s doing as it’s emotional suicide, but how do you explain that to someone without sounding like you’re abandoning them? We’ve been in an argument for 2 months that should have been 20mins long, and everything is such a drama. The weird thing is that we’re actually closer than ever, and neither of us is doing very well without the other, as much as we pretend otherwise. She sounds like a real mess right now, and i’m not exactly tip-top. There’s nowhere else to go but to deal with the melodrama (or of course, catastrophic collapse and separation, naturally), and my darling doesn’t exactly jump forward at the prospect of dealing with things.

If you have any ideas or can translate into girl-speak, i’m open to suggestions. Something along the lines that no-one needs to be blamed, no-one is right/wrong, punishment is unnecessary, missing your ex as a person doesn’t mean you love them, that arguments happen and making up is the natural thing to do, would be good. I’m hoping that once i’ve moved and things have settled we can spend some more time together and get back to where we were before she freaked out about her ex after falling in love with me. If she can get her head around the idea that all of this is a little pointless and totally within her control to end, it might not have to end in tears. What pisses me off the most is how much of a mess all of this is and how totally unnecessary it was as i suggested a break in March after i sensed the ex issue. Somehow it had to be made into a massive relationship-killing drama problem that’s now apparently insurmountable (of course, as how could it be anything else?).

One thing i will miss about Hampshire is the summer open mic nights. Tonight we were all out in the Links garden watching everyone boogie to really dreadful blues covers. The atmosphere was great, the beer chilled and it was an inspiring thing to be there for. I can’t say i enjoyed being chided for my horrendous love life and being continually told i should womanise a bunch of older-30s women for a new experience of femininity, but it had its moments. And Nat, you owe me a cigarette you cheeky bitch. The only way i will forgive you is if you wear an ever shorter skirt next time.

If you fancy coming and seeing us do some acoustic stuff, feel free. I’m going to be back now and then for beers and catching up. It looks a little like this:

P.S. Just got this from Miss 3am:

Re: If I go as far to write you a fucking instruction manual!

Couldn’t help but enjoy reading your article, although I appreciate hilarity wasn’t necessarily its point. Lmao. To quote you :

Read this and still carry doing these things
Some people just sit there and read this thinking it’s a cutesy little article they can disregard. If you read this, if i know you’ve read it and you STILL do these things, that’s worse than anything. If i go so far as to write you a fucking instruction manual and you somehow can’t get it into your head not to bullshit me, mislabel me, play games or act hurtfully, you deserve everything you get.

This to me really was the best bit!

Wonderful!

and goodluck . . .