As harsh as this sounds, it’s through Facebook you learn how frighteningly dull people are and how they will do anything to make their lives sound more interesting. It’s the electronic equivalent to small talk – “blah is… going to work”, “ABC is going out tonight!!!”, “X is happy!”, “Random is…going to bed”. Wow. Thrilling. Broadcasting your mediocrity to others is one of those virtues of the truly bored, like punctuality.

Call me a cynical soul, but maybe we all did these very exciting things back when we were pre 20. I guess we hit the rails faster than most. Saturday nights out aren’t exactly original, but they are the only night off (and hence the most excitement) 9to5ers get. Drugs bore me. Craaazeee behaviour bores me. Been there, done that. A thousand times over. Don’t get me wrong i love the fun things in life too; it’s just that it’s really transparent when you try to hype up your social life and evenings out into some kind of life-changing near-death experience of coolness. Get over it already.

I just need more. I can’t identify with white-shirted clockwatchers who live in a terminal Groundhog day for 50 years. Some people are happy to live peacefully, but i’m really not. I don’t care if you see that as a flaw, you’ll just shut up and sit by as i go past regardless, as that’s what you do. I’ll be giving you the finger in my wing mirror, and all you’ll do about it is grumble. La revolution doesn’t seem to be that complicated when the idea of pleasing people is pleasurably alien.

God what the fuck am i on about?

I’m restless tonight.

A week goes by and i feel like my whole world has changed. When your perspective shifts, so does everything else. And boy, a week doesn’t go by these days without my perspective shifting quite dramatically. I am on this so called “relentless drive for self-improvement” that’s been like a war in my head and heart for almost 20 years now, and i’m finally getting to a place where i can see clearly. But it’s frustrating because you see all the time that was wasted. I take comfort in the idea that some people never ever get out on the road to do it in the first place.

The survey really caused a storm. Most had no idea what i was doing or why i was doing it, and so far there have been well over 100 responses, or around 20% of the people i know. Thank god it’s been overwhelmingly positive and really made me think. The point was about confirmation and validation of what i think i know. I wanted to know where i have been getting it wrong so i can change it. First you figure out who you think you are, and then you test it to see what others think. It’s a strange thing to those who don’t understand it, and most of the emails i’ve got have included a paragraph about them not having the balls (or stupidity) to do it themselves.

The other hilarious thing is just how bad friend’s advice can be. God knows where half of the advice came from for me. It was a solid grounding in following your own gut instinct first before trusting others’, because it can be very wrong. But naturally we should be grateful we have those people to care for us.

And, yes, i’m afraid some of them didn’t remain anonymous for one reason or another, but i assure you here and now that nothing will be repeated that was written in confidence. As for the few abusive ones, well, i have your details. If you work for JM Finn (yes you cocksucker), you’re so fucked baby.

Talking to Emma is deeply interesting and bittersweet. I realised tonight that we really have a lot of things to talk about and close off. One moment you’re all nostalgic, the next you’re going “no hang on a minute here.” That weird second comes along where you’re both talking about how fucked things got and how you’d do things differently when i’m close to typing “we still have all the time in the world to do this” and need to slap myself in the face. It’s even trickier as she’s clearly changed a lot. Em’s just got a very seductive way about her that melts me, as a glimpse of the real girlie girl underneath still sends me all over the place. A time machine would be handy though.

Something has been creeping me out lately in a big way, and it’s more and more on my mind. When Kel was seeing her counsellor a while back, she was learning about all these things that were missing inside her, all relating to identity. I didn’t think much of it, but now i’m slowly beginning to realise that i’m going through exactly the same as her. I don’t understand it but it’s a bizarre parallel.

It’s almost identical – identity issues, anger, career direction. All of them are evolving. Yes, i miss the girl i met, of course i do. But i am so fucking angry about the issue with her ex (as i’m coming to believe it was the plan to get back with him all along) and feel a hell of a lot better to have that uncertain flip-flopping in my daily life. Now i’ve stepped back i’m wondering what the fuck i was doing. Who needs that kind of dicking around? It’s a bit rich to be told you don’t show you care for someone when they’re not exactly being remotely caring themselves. Urgh.

If i had one piece of advice to give a chick in dealing with me, it’s that i don’t want to be silently listened to, heard, have my feelings validated or be empathised with. I want you to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. You can show me you listened, heard, understood and empathised by acting, not just sitting there. I’m not a fucking bird, and i don’t want to be treated like one. If you want that, go be a lesbian for a while and see where it takes you. I’ll listen to you and empathise in return.

Identity is a deeply confusing subject, because it’s so subjective. If you have it, you don’t know it. If you don’t, you don’t know it either. It’s something you should have automatically developed if you got the right nurturing, and not having it retards you massively. I’ve been learning through taking the time to examine myself and asking questions that i have a disgracefully negative self-image and a very poor sense of identity. As the weeks have gone on, the building blocks of self-identity have materialised one by one auto-magically somehow.

Our basic identity is our character. On top of that, we have our personal values. The next layer is our sense of belonging, and the stage i’m at is the next rung on the ladder, our choices. Who we are is a multi-layered structure that can get badly neglected. It’s our father who tends to bestow these things, and if yours didn’t have it or was absent, you won’t have a proper structure there ready to take you wherever you need to go. My dad didn’t enforce a good, consistent set of values on me so i adopted my mum’s. All of this is about self-parenting and self-nurturing, which you probably don’t get as you don’t have a void there that needs to be untangled and dealt with.

I’m thinking of putting everything i’ve written about self-development into a new book, tentatively titled “Re-coding”, but it will take a while. I’m still in the middle of doing print deals for the other 3.

If you want to know where you want to go, or where you are going, you need to know who you are. If you want to understand why you are the way you are, you need to know who you are. You think you know, but actually all the decisions and choices you make are in some way a reaction to your parenting – trying to become acceptable, fitting into expectations and rebelling against either. These are invisible rules and barriers we don’t see until we study our parents and their influence on us. I didn’t realise until lately that the choices i’ve made weren’t my own. I’m only coming to see who i am and what i want consciously now.

And yes, i’m going to take the anger and arrogance thing seriously. It’s not actually arrogance (it’s defensiveness), but i’ll deal with that in another article sometime. I think i know when it happened but like all those types of survival mechanisms, it’s not appropriate anymore.

I’m also going to keep chicks at a noticeable difference from now on. I don’t want to settle down in a little house with some kids and a job. I want a family that’s unique and full of life and character – i want my kids in the Himalayas with me sporting backpacks and their mum with an AK-47. I am going to stay a terminal young thing, as the Manics would say. And i don’t give a fuck about who approves and who doesn’t. If i get married (no thanks) and have kids it won’t be for another 10 years yet, and i won’t be doing it because i “should” to fit in. I’m not inflexible and totally against it, only that i’m aware it’s a big “should” and i won’t be doing it for that reason or living like one of the herd. I want to do what’s right for me.

The big change that is emerging for me is one of career direction. I haven’t given up on Prophecy at all but i’m coming to the realisation that it is massively futuristic and too early for prime time. I need to get it developed to full production spec by spinning it out of another project because going at it from scratch is just too hard, especially whilst telecoms infrastructures around the world are so primitive. It’s a matter of finding another way to do it. For now i’m going to finish off building the new EPGs i have on the shelf and building long-term content distribution relationships with the 200+ platforms in operation together. I have more urgent priorities.

I think that with what i’ve learned in business so far, and with my network, i can build a small portfolio of businesses quite well if it don’t have to be burdened with running them intimately all day every day. Business is just a set of rules, models and templates mixed with the right timing that often is better not combined with good ideas or passion simply as it’s fundamentally soulless. For me it has to be a money machine or a big noble idea for the bigger human picture somehow.

I wonder how i will fair when i separate the two. I think i will be far more effective when i’m slightly detached and/or confusing my love for the product/service. It doesn’t work for me that way, but i’m sure it’s ok for other people.

So i sat back and let the real me come through, and asked myself what it is that i love doing. I know i’m headed for politics when i get my gray hairs. I am lucky enough to be good at most things i am interested in and turn my hand to, but i hate the idea of a “proper job” and offices. I love technology, don’t me wrong. Motivational speaking and coaching is such a buzz. I’m good at business too but it’s incredibly formulaic and tedious. I love music too, and writing. A lot of the choices i’ve made have not been from me, but as a reaction to something else. What i’m trying to do is let the real me flow out and see what he wants to do.

My mum says that when i was 7 i used to like building complex structures with Lego. Not exactly sure what to make of that.

I love futuristic science. I love weapons, rockets, explosives and bombs. Drug chemistry and crime fascinates me. Talking to the CID the other day got me riled up from the sheer righteousness and meaningful nature of the work.

I love taking on interesting projects but i’m not so good at the detail or the financial spreadsheets. I want to come up with the ideas with others, find a way to make them happen (that’s my hook) and get the big picture completed. And talk about them afterwards.

But it’s TV and film that’s always been a passion for me. Visualising and expressing ideas, concepts and stories in a powerful and attention-grabbing way with an impact that changes people’s lives and thinking is totally my bag. I don’t want to do the time-consuming production and editing, but imagining, designing and putting ideas together just sends me into a passionate spin.

This blog has been a real turning point as i love the research and learning aspects when i write about topics, but i couldn’t be a fucking librarian. I love picking out new and unique things to show people and i think, from the feedback i’ve received so far, i seem to have a flair for picking them out and putting them into a format that is compelling, and i know how to elicit a reaction, regardless of whether it’s good or bad (neither is important with TV, as all that matter is that people watch). Well, somehow people genuinely read 3,000 word essays i write and come back for me. I can’t do that no matter how interesting the subject is.

When i was coming back from the airport on the train, so much was churning through my mind, as always. I was thinking over the whole identity issue, and slowly an image entered my mind. It was of that teenage boy, smashed to the ground with blood all over his face, cuts on his lip and cheeks, and bruises everywhere.

But that snapshot was of him turning his head upwards from the concrete and looking up slightly. I can’t describe the expression on his face, other than to say there was a glint in his eye. Maybe a small smile, but not a sick enthusiasm, not the spirit of getting up, not fear, not even defiance or indifference. Just a sparkle that was about him knowing he was getting up anyway, and the beating wasn’t enough to keep him down there. Looking up without fear, ready to get in there again.

And that’s when i thought “that is who i am.”

All my pride leaves me vacant
For the sorrow i’m to blame
But i know if i could just let go
I could find a better way
Only, Am I the only one?
Who thinks and breathes what no-one sees
I’m the only one

I understand, sometimes t seems I’m the last to notice
How anybody feels
Is it really ’cause I feel I’m the one that’s owed it
Am I wrong?
Am I wrong?

“Sorrow” by Sevendust