This is going to be a very interesting read for those who think i’m an arrogant shit who will never back down even if he knows he’s wrong. The truth is i will always fight for what i believe in and what i believe is right, when i believe i’m right. I will never claim to be right if i consciously know that i am in the wrong – it forms a cognitive dissonance in my head that i just can’t handle. Once i find out i’m wrong, i will correct myself immediately. So the challenge with me is showing me when i am wrong. I can’t stand people who are so stubborn and proud that they will continue to defend something even when they know for certain they are wrong. That is plainly moronic.

In case you were wondering, the hypocrite in the title is … me. Yes, i bet you want to read on now.

As i sit here on the most beautiful summer’s evening, in the sun, with beer in hand, my heart is so troubled. When is my heart not troubled, i hear you say. Well i’ve felt a lot better with Kelly’s messing around and uncertainty out of my life. I know that sounds harsh and i don’t want it to sound like i’m glad she’s gone as a human being. I’m glad the *situation* has gone, but i’m not denouncing the person with it. I’ve been deliberately avoiding thinking about any of it and have shut her out completely because dealing with her just took all my energy, and if it went on any further, probably my self-respect too. My feelings are such with her are so addictive and all-consuming that they take over everything else and nothing else exists. She dominates and i can’t think of anything else.

This may start off slightly tough in its outlook, but it corners round to somewhere else. Like all things in life, situations are often part of a journey. Mine has been from a point of outrage to realising what an utter hypocrite i am.

Over the last few weeks i’ve heard many comments about her, half of which have been harsh, and the other defensive. I haven’t written or talked about it for a while but tonight i feel restless and need to get some of it out.

I’ve been deeply angry with myself for having put up with it all, as pulling away has just given me a much better perspective on how appalling the last few months have been. I shouldn’t have allowed her so much control or prominence in my life. I left her recently telling her i was absolutely disgusted with the way she treats people and that the way she thinks about people and situations was just abhorrent. It’s for her now to make her mistakes and find out the hard way. I couldn’t believe she had the audacity to want to be friends with me after seemingly having no idea of the seriousness of what she’d done.

Actually, if the truth be known, i’ve avoided writing about it in case she saw it and thought i gave a shit. Self-righteously and fearfully i don’t want to even give her an inch. Childish maybe, but honest too.

Losing a lot of that pent-up landslide anger has really affected me. It’s been a massive block holding me back when i childishly thought it was the one thing that protected me, like when you tense up when you’re about to be punched in the stomach as to avoid the blow. I’ve found myself feeling quite uncertain and vulnerable, as i simply don’t have that shroud to hide in anymore. It’s hitting me in the chest instead of numbing the cocoon around me. The world does look different.

Apparently i also seem different. In the pub on Friday, during Nikki’s birthday festivities, i couldn’t believe the response i was getting. I’d been in London with TV companies discussing my ideas, so was beaming happy and full of life. That confidence translated so well as even i noticed the female attention i was getting as i walked backwards and forwards to the bar. Total confidence, total happiness, and a genuine positivity and energy blasting out from every angle. I was told “you look 10 years younger”, “you’re so much more approachable”, “you look so happy” and so on. I took it on the chin like any good flattery target should. It’s amazing how you are treated and how much attention you grab when you’re broadcasting confidence, positivity and life. And yeah, i felt pretty fucking good too.

So here’s the thing. On Saturday i was nursing a rather impressive headache and took some time to walk and lay in the sun. For no reason whatsoever, that wondering about Kelly started, and as i tried to block it out, i just couldn’t. I was seeing things from her viewpoint, but crucially, i wasn’t just seeing them, i was feeling it, which made a massive difference. I was praying, as you do, and slowly i started to recognise what was going on.

Hang on, is this….empathy?

I evangelised the benefits of diplomacy and sensitivity to Piers, and now empathy?

Ok now i get it a bit more. That anger of mine was like a plug, and pulling it out has started to give access to my heart and feelings a lot more. I didn’t realise that the true power and useful effectiveness of empathy was in feeling it, rather than just seeing it from their point of view. One is a parameter of physics; the other is an emotional experience that helps us to change our minds because it involves our own emotions that sway us to make decisions. You might be forgiven for finding me an amusing emotional retard, but i like to think that 90% of men can’t spell it yet, let alone know to feel it or deal with it.

You see i’ve always maintained 2 theories regarding Kelly and our split. There is a highly cynical one, and the one where there has been an almighty fuck up of communication. The former is that she never really split with her ex, lied about everything, used me, and it was always the plan to get back with him. The latter is that most things happened as she said they did, and it all just went horribly wrong because of some serious misunderstandings. Neither are exactly a great report card.

I tested her and tested her, because i was nervous i had surprisingly met someone i really felt i could commit to in the strangest of circumstances – that elusive banter, a crazy sexual chemistry and we wanted to go on adventures together and experience life to the full. It scared the life out of me. She was my adventure and travel buddy and there has always been a deep loneliness in me for not having that companionship i’ve always needed, rather than just simple friendship or lust. I think she found that too.

You could never tell what was going on because both of us are very guarded and don’t tend to let others know how we feel. Kelly’s way of dealing with lots of situations is to revert to the script of Hollyoaks, and that infuriates me. She would say what she thought she should, telling me she understood and there were no bad feelings. What drove me mad was knowing she didn’t feel that way underneath and was just saying it because she thought she should, so i saw it as dishonesty and just pointless. I understand why you’d not say how you felt, but not why you say something else.

A female friend of mine (to remain nameless) asked me if it could be the cause that she was making me think she used me to lash out at being hurt herself. I couldn’t entertain that idea, but i was told women can be as evil, or more evil, routinely, just like that.

Something Kate (Piers’ girlfriend) had said to me rather bluntly has been gnawing at me a lot. I traced all these troubles back to around the beginning of March, when my ex Emma reappeared (very interesting timing on Em’s part). Kate chided me for being surprised that Kelly went very distant around then because of that, and not realising it was because of how threatened and insecure she felt. We’d only just told each other we had fallen in love with each other. I simply couldn’t believe something like that would affect her so strongly, even though now i can certainly see it. Everyone was pointing it out, saying not mention her name or put anything about her on my blog, but Kelly seemed fine with it so i didn’t really think much of it.

Looking back now, i can see how she could have taken my being distant with the combination of my ex reappearing as a serious danger sign. And being Kelly, she wouldn’t like to admit it or talk to me about it.

She didn’t say anything to me, and i took her being distant as a very, very bad thing. It sends me into panic mode. I saw it as her playing around with her ex, because i’d been getting increasingly frustrated with her for not cutting off from him. At the same time i was going distant because i thought she was (no really, i think it really was this silly), and also because i was writing my book (a very solitary activity) and to be blunt, as i had literally no money. I was embarrassed and decided to focus on writing. My company sale was nearly done and i was hanging on for that.

So eventually her distant-ness (and the ex business) got too much, and i shut the door on her because i was frustrated. I know now that she attacks first pre-emptively when she thinks she’s about to get hurt, and that she is reactive rather than someone who generally takes the initiative – i had no idea whatsoever it was because of what she thought was going on with Emma (absolutely nothing). That is what happens when you put 2 people with a great deal of history and hurt together in a situation. One gets scared and over-reacts, then the other over-reacts to that and gets scared and defensive. They infect each other with their fear and defensiveness, which ends up a very big misunderstanding. It goes back and forth, increasing in severity.

Is that even possible? Can you be that scared, even when the other person has been furious you haven’t dealt with your own ex? Surely that would make you more understanding and not more paranoid?

She didn’t say a thing other than if i loved her i didn’t show it. How was i supposed to know or do anything to reassure her or deal with it? How can you deal with it when the other person won’t talk to you and just goes distant worrying about what might happen? How was i supposed to “just know” when it looked like it was her going distant independently?

If that was the case, she must have thought things were going on secretly behind her back and she was being people-pleased/lied to. Not my thing at all. I can say hand on heart that wasn’t the case at all. Having Em back in my life is nice and somewhat of a novelty, but there was never a serious chance of us getting re-acquainted like that in any way. I needed a little time to readjust and suggested she take a month to deal with her ex, which must have made it worse. I’ve come to see how bad the incompatibility between Em and i was (and still is), so it’s not something i’d ever go near again and have had my closure for. The truth is that i knew i didn’t love Em anymore when i realised i’d fallen in love with Kelly. That seemed to have fallen on deaf ears.

She must have thought i was planning to get back with Emma all along, then went distant, dumped her, and then went off with other women when she was crying after we split, and then ripped her to pieces saying it was all her fault. My god, talk about getting the wrong end of the stick. If only she knew. None of that was the case. It was the complete opposite – i was thinking about her every second of every hour, of every day. No joke. If she had any idea of how deeply i felt for her it would knock her out.

I am suddenly feeling very shit.

What started as a misunderstanding that didn’t get talked about because a snowballing chain reaction months later that tore everything apart so there was nothing left.

Oh the bittersweet irony.

I was extremely reticent about writing that publicly because of the chance it would give Em’s dark side some kind of smug boost, albeit temporarily. All it has taught me is the opposite of what might have been enjoyed. In all honesty, and although there is no point scale, Kelly means a lot more to be than Emma does, and if it ever came to a choice between the two, it would be Kelly every time without exception or hesitation (Em would be the same with her chap, naturally). Maybe i didn’t show that up front but i was just trying to re-acclimatise at the time when she sent me the email she did out of the blue.

My heaviness of heart in the last few days is because the revelation wasn’t exactly comfortable, especially Kelly bitterly saying how much she hated hypocrites. I was telling her to de-couple from her ex when in her eyes i was fucking around with Emma being back in touch. As far as i was concerned, we were just talking for the first time in ages and establishing a balance and rapport. I didn’t see it in the same terms as Kelly’s situation with her ex, even though she might have done.

I am a hypocrite. We are both hypocrites.

I had no idea what to do a few weeks back, and ended up asking myself what Christ would do in my situation, as a source of concrete wisdom. I didn’t get an answer. I did this weekend. The answer was: point at me and say loudly and authoritatively “HYPOCRITE”. And he’d be right. I am. And what i didn’t realise was that hypocrisy isn’t just an annoying problem; it’s a very serious sin. It’s a sin against others, a form of dreadfully self-righteous dishonesty, and ultimately, a sin against the Father.

Even though i haven’t seen Kelly for ages, i feel like we’re living out lives in a bizarre parallel. Both dealing with our exes, both changing career, both dealing with problems of identity and direction, as well as having financial and spiritual issues to cope with. Almost all the things i have demanded from her, i haven’t done myself when i needed to. I have been telling her to do what i say, not what i do, not expecting to have to do them myself. That makes me the master hypocrite. I sent her a card about making choices, and here i am in a place where i have to make those same choices. In some kind of invulnerable superiority complex kind f way like i’d done them all before a long time ago. It is dishonesty because if i looked in the mirror i have more to do and to change than i think.

Here’s what Mohammed says about hypocrites:

“Four characteristics constitute anyone who possesses them a sheer hypocrite, and anyone who possesses one of them possesses a characteristic of hypocrisy till he abandons it: when he is trusted he betrays his trust, when he talks he lies, when he makes a covenant he acts treacherously and when he quarrels he abuses.”

Yep, that’s me.

Peter (my coach) tells me that being able to violate your own values means that they have not been embedded as strongly as they should have been. When they are firmly a part of you, it is painful and near impossible to go against them. When i angrily shouted at my Dad that he hadn’t imparted any proper values on me or been there for me, his outraged answer was that i had “rejected” them. Bullshit. Values have to be consistent and the bestower of them not a constant hypocrite.

I demanded she deal with her ex, when i wasn’t being pragmatic about mine; I accused her of fucking around with guys on Facebook, when she found more than one conversation i had had myself; I got angry with her for being distant with me when i was appearing distant to her; I was telling her to deal with her anger because it was blocking everything else, when i needed to do the same; i told her to open up to me when i refused to let her in at all; I told her to stop lying to me, when i had lied extensively to her; i got angry at her game-playing when i was doing it rampantly myself; i told her she was rude and arrogant when i appeared worse to her. She was to make choices and decide who she will be, when i learned it was time for me to do exactly the same.

I thought she was being off and rude when we last spoke, but now i can see she was trying not to cry. I am thinking back to all the Emma references she made and wondering why she didn’t say anything. It’s obvious to women apparently. It’s only when you feel powerless that you admit defeat and decide nothing is fixable, or even when a relationship is fatally wounded. I don’t get that at all.

So here i am faced with my own choices, the constant work of my Father. I need to make choices about who i am, and for the right reasons rather than what motivating effect (if at all) it might have on Kelly. Choices that revolve around closing off old ties and how to behave in the future – what i will no longer do, and how i will do it differently. The first one is not to be a hypocrite. Rejecting the things i have always known is scary, but i am seeing why it is virtuous to be honourable in the times and places when i haven’t. There is honesty there that i appreciate and can see the benefit in.

Like one of my favourite respondents so wisely said, we are always making choices between love, and fear. We react in fear, or we react with love. I’ve been doing everything i can to kill her out of me because in my head she’s happily back with her ex and probably enjoying how much better her life is without me. I’m pissed off about thinking about it or writing about it here, and not sure if i’ll publish it. I feel like i’m giving in somehow and i don’t want her to know i care about her. It’s humiliating and i sound like a chump who is in denial. There’s some honesty for you.

It’s amazing what pours through when that anger dissolves. It blocks so much and more than that, it completely blinds you. Sometimes that’s good (e.g. when you need to focus), but when it’s combined with another person not talking or communicating in any way, it leads to chaos. I’m thankful now that it’s been addressed, because now i can feel from the other person’s perspective truly for the first time. If you’re constantly angry and afraid, it’s near impossible to be able to connect with someone else to be able to give them what they need. Even harder if they won’t talk.

I’ve kind of reconciled myself to the fact we’ll never speak again, as painful as it is. My, if she could see me now and who i am to be, with all my new empathy and television career. I judge whether you love someone by that fact that when something great happens, they are the first person you want to ring and tell all about it. I want to take this damned blocking off my blog as it’s killing the server and slowing every page down to have to look up Halifax and Sky addresses.

But what is the point of understanding it, if all the damage has been done? Well you can look at it through different eyes – to some, it will mean nothing. To others, it would be a painful learning experience that grew you spiritually as a person, needed to fix in your relationship and showed you what had to change.. I’m firmly of the belief that if you care about someone, a relationship will be the natural place for all those issues to come out and be healed. The bad things and horrible words dissolve in comparison to the changes you implement in yourself and the other person for the better. It depends on whether you see “bad” times as definite disaster and the negative view that you are being punished for the awful and empty person “thing” you are.

I think you can react to these things a few different ways. The angry child in you says “i am never letting anyone in again”, and i used to subscribe to that. But as i was listening to John Mayer, with my new eyes and heart, i recognised that he was right. That is giving in and harming yourself. It is cowardice and counter-productive, letting the bad things win. Good comes from all situations and i don’t believe there is anything that is not fixable. Fear tells you that everything is. But no, one of my choices is not to close up in the face of difficult times. If you rise above your baggage and the harmful words (and those of the other person), you become bigger than it. You step into the shoes of the person you want to be and become it, rather than waiting for it to happen “one day”.

Even if you don’t know how to, you need to surrender and choose to go at these things “with a heart wide open.”