Archive for July, 2008

31
Jul

shock horror: drug policy isn’t working

By Alex Cameron 0 Comments
Categories: Black Arts, Business, Life, Rants and Wisdom

I know, it’s a real surprise. An absolute clanger. It would seem that prohibition and the hardline-hardline and more hardline approach to drug trafficking and abuse is still not remotely effective. Anyone would think we needed to change our thinking and strategy. What? La revolution? Something tells me the right-wingers will have the say for a long while to come lest they be typecast as “soft on drugs”. “Soft” is what i would classify as persueing the same stupid, irrational and ineffective policy over and over again even thought it’s been proven time and time again not to work.

The UK Drug Policy Commission have had quite a fanfair on the wires today after publishing their very interesting report entitled “Tackling Drug Networks and Distribution Networks in the UK” complete with some fascinating statistics.

  • Latest figures (for 2003/04) estimate the size of the UK illicit drug market to be £5.3 billion and is considered to pose the single greatest organised crime threat to the UK.
  • About one-quarter of the total cost of delivering the drug strategy has been dedicated to reducing supply (£380 million in 2005/06).
  • Drug markets have proven to be extremely resilient. They are highly fluid and adapt to law enforcement interventions.
  • While the availability of controlled drugs is restricted by definition, it appears that additional enforcement efforts had had little adverse effect on the availability of illicit drugs in the UK.
  • The available evidence suggests that street-level drug law enforcement should focus on forging productive local partnerships and not rely solely on police crackdowns.
  • The authors were unable to locate any comprehensive published UK evidence of the relative effectiveness of different enforcement approaches. They were also not able to identify any published comparative cost-benefit or value-for-money analysis for different interventions within the UK.
  • Enforcement can have a significant and unintended negative impact on the nature and extent of harms associated with drugs and this should be recognised and minimised.

Here’s some very interesting food for thought. £6BN market in the UK? Just get governments together to buy all the illegal drugs being produced from the funds being used to buy arms (trillions of dollars PA), and get the investment back through the savings in treatment and enforcement.
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/…-move-to-legalise-poppy-crops-442807.html

BBC summary:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7531860.stm

Full report:
http://www.ukdpc.org.uk/resources/Drug_Markets_Full_Report.pdf

28
Jul

changing channel with an encouragement folder

By Alex Cameron 2 Comments
Categories: Christianity, Jedi Skills, Life, Rants, Romance and Wisdom

My god the South Bank is looking beautiful this summer. I hate to say it, but it’s almost becoming…romantic. I’ve spent 2 nights there this week and it’s full to the rafters with people swarming around the Royal Festival Hall and the riverside restaurants. Almost by default my favourite place to hang out has become London’s trendiest summer haunt.

It seems like everyone i know seems to want to introduce me to their single female friends, which is great, quite frankly. I’m about ready to start enjoying being a single young man again and you can damn well forget any talk of marriage and kids for a long time. I’ve worked too hard and been let down too much to be making long-term plans just yet. Viva la dating revolution por Le Cameron.

I’ve also met some fascinating people, and felt my mojo reignited. Yes ladies, it would appear the temporary illusion of safety my monogamous months have brought is soon to come to an end. A whole crowd of new friends and almost all of the them creative people. I’m experiencing a new freedom by accepting my own creative desires and looking on at the poor fuckers who work themselves to death in offices 9 to 5. I’m free of any nagging assertion in my heart that i should somehow conform in any way. I’ve realised within myself fully that the only thing that changes anything are things that are unique or different.

City life and fashion trends dictate this silly message that you should aim to be like everyone else. What an absurd idea. Me love me, and i love being me now. I have a confidence to go against the grain and just push very honestly and passionately to be different – take different angles, take risks, and allow people to surprise you. It’s more important to step out then stay in.

Joel Osteen has had a really amazing effect on me as i’ve been watching his talks every morning and when i’m relaxing. It makes such a difference to have a positive message fed to you deliberately every day and you start to notice the negative. Only when you see the polar opposite do you notice the thing you hadn’t seen before in a new light. Suddenly you begin to see that everywhere you look, and everywhere you go, the messages you are receiving are incredibly negative. Literally everywhere.
Then you realise that those messages are being picked up by you subconsciously and they are programming your mood and attitude. It’s made think about what i’m letting in. What i’m letting in to my mind, my heart and my soul.

Those messages are coming through from what we see in the street, the attitudes of other people, TV, the internet, advertising and more. Fear sells newspapers, and insecurity sells cosmetics. We are being discouraged and brainwashed every single day by marketing that aims to sell us things by leveraging and thumbscrewing our darkest places.

Here is just a small sprinkling of what is being programmed into your head every minute of the day:

  • You are not good enough as you are.
  • You need to be perfect.
  • You can only be normal and/or better if you buy X.
  • Being wealthy solves all your problems.
  • To be accepted you need to be like everyone else.
  • Money, status and possessions make you happy and give you what you need.
  • If you buy X, you will be better, or [disaster] won’t happen.
  • What happens if… [bad/humiliating event]
  • It’s all about you so always look after number one before anyone else.
  • What you own and how you look dictates who and what you are.
  • You are only worth something if you are attractive or famous.
  • Evil always wins the day and is more dramatic and noticeable.
  • Everything is going to get worse.
  • Don’t be proactive, just sit there and let someone else entertain you.
  • There are disasters and catastrophes happening everywhere.
  • You will never get to be anything unless you have lots of possessions.
  • You should take revenge instead of forgiving.

Fear, uncertainty, and doubt.

Here it is in glorious Technicolor. The message you are given every day, everywhere you look. The message you pick up that is infectious. You infect everyone you meet with it if you believe it.

YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.

My friends, these are lies. Lies sell products. Lies make insecure girls buy magazines that tell them they need to keep dieting and be thin to be happy, worthy and successful, and show other people falling apart trying to be skinny. Men are fed semi-naked retouched sex object girls. Both are told that they will be unattractive as they are and need to buy products so their external is presentable. When people stop buying them, they will change the message. The truth that insecurity and fear makes us buy. And as long as we keep buying, they’ll keep trotting out the same old rubbish.

When you are hearing the same messages over and over again everywhere you go, it sinks in and is reinforced. You are inadvertently brainwashed and reinforce it in every person you know. You start to judge other people by those beliefs. I’m not talking about some big conspiracy; i’m talking about straightforward business. You do what you can to get people to buy what you’re selling and gain new customers and sales. It’s perfectly normal and natural, but it’s appallingly destructive. We learn what drives sales, and we keep doing it.

The sad fact is that putting Jordan or Lucy Pinder on a front page means you sell 15% more copies than you normally would. Taking away skinny anorexic celebrities and their “traumas” (that are always staged) means your sales will slump. You put these things on the front page because we flock to them in droves. They sell. It doesn’t mean they are right or true – in fact, people will believe whatever they want to regardless of the truth. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t stop it, agree with it or accept it.

We have a generation of people programmed by constant advertising displayed everywhere they go and a TV in every room pumping them relentlessly with melodramatic garbage that stimulates them to buy and consume, and to believe things that simply aren’t true. We know it’s not true but for some reason we can’t stop buying – like a drug addict we are in a cycle of need and nourishment that always leaves us hungry at the end so we keeping spending and buying.

Think that’s over-exaggeration or whimsical fancy? Look around you. Ask yourself what you believe and what your friends believe – not according to what they say, but how they act. Do you need to be more attractive? Is your house full of expensive possessions? Are you in debt from buying things on your credit card? Do you buy magazines to read about celebrities? Did you disown a friend or get your own back? Are you self-conscious? Do you think you have what you need to get what you want in life?
Not so simple is it?

Our futures are dictated and limited by replaying the past in our minds, like we’re watching a TV channel. It’s usually something like the “defeat” channel, the “gloom and despair” channel and the “who hurt me” channel. We’re tuned in, listening and telling ourselves the same thing over and over again. It’s hardly ever the “gratitude” channel, the “i can do this” channel or the “this is going to be the most wonderful day” channel. Eventually we don’t need the TV anymore as we just keep replaying all of our failures (there is no such thing) and defeats (there is no such thing) to ourselves, and curse and condemn ourselves without any help from consumer companies.

We’re watching the wrong channel. We need to turn it off and switch over to another channel.
Think of your daily routine and what’s being said to you. What are you thinking when you wake up? What are you seeing around you? What TV programs are you watching and what are they saying to you? What music are you listening to – what mood, what message and how often? What habits have you developed that keep you seated? How do your friends behave and what do they believe? What messages are they giving you? When you walk around what do the posters and adverts say? What’s being said over the intercom?

You have to be vigilant for what is going inside you. The things you read are indeed going inside – the newspapers, magazines, books, websites and emails. The things your friends encourage to you to do or not do matter. The things TV programs are based on are negative. The music you listen to reinforces feelings more than it eases them.

These are not only subjects, pictures, topics and messages, but they are triggers. They make us do something. They make us feel something, think about something or act on something. You need to ask yourself what the advert is telling you, and then how it makes you feel. Then you need to ask yourself what you are being told to do and whether you are going to do it. As soon as you interrupt the auto-pilot, the world changes because your thinking has. If you want to break out from being a slave, you need to look down and see your arms and legs are in chains before you stumble for a key.

I know now that i have to change my attitude and that negative internal dialogue that i haven’t realised i have been relying on. I’ve found myself talking positively lately without even knowing about it. I’m just there and start finding negativity so fucking pointless and irritating. I don’t have to think this way. I can change and delight in what i have, and i can choose to have faith. It’s amazing how quickly you pick it up as a habit and how much better your day goes when you start it with reinforcing positivity every morning. It may sound cheesy but as soon as you do, everything changes. You start interrupting your thoughts and words once you hear them come out, and then you replace them. Hopefully when you do it enough, it becomes standard.

And there’s a great lie – that being positive is somehow cheesy. It’s not. Who told you that being positive, pleasant, encouraging and faithful makes you look silly? There’s another message for you that’s been placed into your head.

Joel mentions a fantastic idea that is so simple and so effective – an “encouragement file”. I’ve started building one. Essentially you store cards, letters, compliments, achievements,

encouragements, notes, nice things and gestures of love and positivity in a physical paper file that you look over whenever you are tempted to be down. You revisit it and add to it regularly, which is key. You tune into the TV channel which is positive and encouraging, and adsorb a different message. Yes, you do it to cheer yourself up, but more importantly you take in those positive messages to remind yourself that you are being bombarded by negative ones.

You need to encourage yourself, and it’s an idea that comes directly from God, as he compliments himself in scripture. Spiritually-speaking, we are to copy and mimic God in every way – He is our model, and what He does is right and healthy. We are to have confidence, encourage ourselves and others, and pass along kindness we receive. I am very lucky to have a lot of successes and achievements behind me, as well as a hell of a lot of more interesting and difficult times that have created my character and given me the wisdom and experience i need for the challenges ahead.

When you understand the reason behind creation, it is a hell of a lot easier. Looking at who God is tells you who you are, why you are here and how you should be. The Bible may include masses of destruction, but it is almost always judgement on very evil people or being used for a specific (positive) outcome. The message is overwhelmingly positive –you are good enough, you are loved, don’t fear, you will have everything you need, you will fulfil your dreams and goals and will prosper many times over. You have so much to be grateful for and you can make a difference. You are unique, cared for, wanted, individual and were given everything you need to do what you were made to do.

Don’t tell me. Too much hassle to put together that file? Can’t be bothered to sift through lots of things and take the time? Nice thought but you probably won’t bother?

Congratulations on being brainwashed into apathy by those lies. Just sit back, consume and do as you are told. Getting a takeaway or some instant gratification.

These are decisions we must make for ourselves. These are messages we must see for ourselves. They are being played all around you but it’s almost impossible to see simply as there are very few positive, polar-opposite ones. I’ve learned first hand how powerful it is to forgive and to tell someone “i believe in you” with sincerity. It’s an emotional and hard-hitting experience because you realise no-one has ever said it before. It’s dangerous because it causes a massive chain reaction by unleashing your faith and confidence underneath.

And that’s the worst thing for consumer marketing- a wise and informed populace who know how to think critically and are know they are worth something. A people who are spending money they don’t have on stupid things they don’t actually need. If you believe you are worthy, attractive and loved as you are, you don’t stop dressing up nicely or wearing fashionable clothes, you simply become more discriminate and less insane with your buying habits. Sales go down. Fear gets ramped up in response to get a reaction and bring those sales back up. When you realise you are numb from being constantly poked in painful places, it’s because you’ve looked in that encouragement file and woken up to the fact once again that 99% of what you are seeing an hearing is negative.

But the key lesson is that subliminal messages can only be accepted if you are unaware of them. They have no power over those who recognise them and reject them for what they are – cynical marketing and dramatic TV overplay. The more important reason to build one of those files is to remind yourself regularly to de-program, feel loved and stand out from the rest of the very negative crowd. If you can be convinced you can’t do something or shouldn’t be appreciated as something, you will never get anywhere or even bother to try.

P.S. You have no idea how satisfying it is to see “Jakomi Matthews is looking for a job” on LinkedIn. I told you, motherfucker. Fucking with me is a short walk off a long plank, and those who are as obnoxious as that fucking moron never prosper. You’re just one in a long list now, Jakomi. All of them meet their demise in the end, just as i tend to predict it.

28
Jul

why they landed here in july

By Alex Cameron 0 Comments
Categories: Life and Misc

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26
Jul

alix and her legendary epic boobs

By Alex Cameron 0 Comments
Categories: Life and Misc

caAs we speak i am at my dad’s birthday party wondering if i will walk into the back garden to socialise with the sheep herd of local Christian fundamentalists and middle class rightwing-istas just dying to enquire about my antics and the tedious minutae of my life that i can’ty be bothered to explain.

So in the interim, a much more amusing and little-hearted tale. A little-known legend of the Internet is Alix, the girl with “epic” boobs. Very funny and one of those great web memes that are essentially puerile and pointless.

Update: I have just been hit on by a woman in her 50s. Time to leave for the pub.

I give you….epic boobs. There is no reason for this other than pure indulgence.

25
Jul

ef: the new movie genre of steamkrunk

By Alex Cameron 0 Comments
Categories: Black Arts, Business and Misc

Today i had the unexpected pleasure of spending time with Joanne Reay, founder of Mission and the director behind “Bring Me the Head of Mavis Davis” and “Gallowwalker” (Wesley Snipes). The next project in the pipeline is “eF”, a comic book-style franchise in the same vein as “Sin City” that is targeted for production in 2009 and set to exploit the very latest in technology. It’s exciting as the rights clearance chain is exclusively controlled, which means there aren’t the normal restrictions on what you can and cannot do with the material. That means sexy creative ideas and sexy creative use of nerdy technology to great effect.

The (low-key) tease-tape trailer is here:

As described on the main site:

The title (pronounced just as F) is the reversal of the chemical symbol for iron, a key element within the story. The tale unfolds in a world that has all the heavy-duty hallmarks of steampunk, but eF departs from the traditions of that genre. It takes us into a world of drugs and desire where facing death on the pitch is the only time a man feels alive and where music drives an iron-soul.

More:
http://www.efmovie.co.uk/

22
Jul

nothing that could harm you will prosper

By Alex Cameron 0 Comments
Categories: Christianity, Jedi Skills, Life and Wisdom

Regarding Zion, I can’t keep my mouth shut, regarding Jerusalem, I can’t hold my tongue,
Until her righteousness blazes down like the sun
and her salvation flames up like a torch.
Foreign countries will see your righteousness,
and world leaders your glory.
You’ll get a brand-new name
straight from the mouth of God.
You’ll be a stunning crown in the palm of God’s hand,
a jeweled gold cup held high in the hand of your God.
No more will anyone call you Rejected,
and your country will no more be called Ruined.
You’ll be called Hephzibah (My Delight),
and your land Beulah (Married),
Because God delights in you
and your land will be like a wedding celebration.
For as a young man marries his virgin bride,
so your builder marries you,
And as a bridegroom is happy in his bride,
so your God is happy with you.

I’ve posted watchmen on your walls, Jerusalem.
Day and night they keep at it, praying, calling out,
reminding God to remember.
They are to give him no peace until he does what he said,
until he makes Jerusalem famous as the City of Praise.

God has taken a solemn oath,
an oath he means to keep:
“Never again will I open your grain-filled barns
to your enemies to loot and eat.
Never again will foreigners drink the wine
that you worked so hard to produce.
No. The farmers who grow the food will eat the food
and praise God for it.
And those who make the wine will drink the wine
in my holy courtyards.”

Walk out of the gates. Get going!
Get the road ready for the people.
Build the highway. Get at it!
Clear the debris,
hoist high a flag, a signal to all peoples!
Yes! God has broadcast to all the world:
“Tell daughter Zion, ‘Look! Your Savior comes,
Ready to do what he said he’d do,
prepared to complete what he promised.’”
Zion will be called new names: Holy People, God-Redeemed,
Sought-Out, City-Not-Forsaken.

Isaiah 62 (v. from The Message)

22
Jul

george carlin’s modern, modern man

By Alex Cameron 0 Comments
Categories: Black Arts, Jedi Skills, Life and Rants

This just blew me away when i listened to it this afternoon. Carlin did a mega-rant at the beginning of one his classic HBO shows that will stun you into disbelief at the sheer articulation and literary genius of it. Language and thought were always integral to the core of what he believed and no subject was too taboo. Recently this planet lost one of its greatest thinkers and speakers, and men of this kind of insight rarely come around.

Watch, and enjoy. Go Georgey boy.

“I’m a Modern Man”

George Carlin, November 5th, 2005
Beacon Theater, NYC

I’m a modern man.
I’m a modern man.
I’m a modern man.
I’m a modern man.

I’m a modern man,
A man for the millennium,
Digital and smoke free.

A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist,
Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I’ve been uplinked and downloaded.
I’ve been inputted and outsourced.
I know the upside of downsizing.
I know the downside of upgrading.

I’m a high tech lowlife.
A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker,
And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I’m new wave but I’m old school,
And my inner child is outward bound.

I’m a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer,
Voice activated and biodegradable.

I interface from a database,
And my database is in cyberspace,
So I’m interactive,
I’m hyperactive,
And from time-to-time,
I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball,
Ahead of the curve,
Riding the wave,
Dodging a bullet,
Pushing the envelope.

I’m on point,
On task,
On message,
And off drugs.
I got no need for coke and speed,
I got no urge to binge and purge.

I’m in the moment,
On the edge,
Over the top,
But under the radar.

A high concept,
Low profile,
Medium range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb.
A top gun bottom feeder.

I wear power ties,
I tell power lies,
I take power naps,
I run victory laps.

I’m a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.
A raging workaholic.
A working ragaholic.
Out of rehab,
And in denial.

I got a personal trainer,
A personal shopper,
A personal assistant,
And a personal agenda.

You can’t shut me up,
You can’t dumb me down.
‘Cause I’m tireless,
And I’m wireless.
I’m an alpha male on beta blockers.

I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever.
Laid back but fashion forward.

Up front,
Down home,
Low rent,
High maintenance.

Super size,
Long lasting,
High definition,
Fast acting,
Oven ready,
And built to last.

I’m a hands on,
Foot loose,
Knee jerk,
Head case.

Prematurely post traumatic,
And I have a love child who sends me hate mail.

But I’m feeling,
I’m caring,
I’m healing,
I’m sharing.
A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver.

My output is down,
But my income is up.
I take a short position on the long bond,
And my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail,
I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds,
I watch trash sports.

I’m gender specific,
Capital intensive,
User friendly,
And lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex.
I like rough sex.
I like tough love.
I use the f word in my email,
And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini mall.
I bought a mini van in a mega store.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.

I’m toll free,
Bite sized,
Ready to wear,
And I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped,
Factory authorized,
Hospital tested,
Clinically proven,
Scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I’ve been pre-washed,
Pre-cooked,
Pre-heated,
Pre-screened,
Pre-approved,
Pre-packaged,
Post-dated,
Freeze-dried,
Double-wrapped,
Vacuum-packed,
And I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I’m a rude dude,
But I’m the real deal.
Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked and ready to rock.
Rough tough and hard to bluff.

I take it slow.
I go with the flow.
I ride with the tide.
I got glide in my stride.

Drivin’ and movin’,
Sailin’ and spinnin’,
Jivin’ and groovin’,
Wailin’ and winnin’.

I don’t snooze,
So I don’t lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal,
And the rubber on the road.

I party hearty,
And lunch time is crunch time.

I’m hanging in,
There ain’t no doubt.
And I’m hanging tough,
Over and out.

21
Jul

about time to answer the kelly question

By Alex Cameron 0 Comments
Categories: Christianity, Life, Rants, Romance and Wisdom

I got asked that dreaded question the other day, “will you ever let Kelly back in your life again?”. It’s been one of those awkward subjects no-one really wants to mention, with good reason. I didn’t know what to say as i haven’t really thought about it. That might seem cold, but if you’d been as betrayed as i have been, it’s quite easy to just throw it away like bad garbage. Perhaps it’s time i broke my silence. Too many people have been asking and wherever i go i can’t seem to shake off all the hints and signs i see every day.

I don’t hate her. I feel sorry for her, and i say that with a heavy heart. The only word i can use is “callous”. She is possibly the most callous person i have ever known without a gun in their hand. But it’s a childish callousness.

She thinks i’m laughing at her or looking down on her in some way, like i think her life is falling apart and that she’s in terrible trauma. I don’t think that. I don’t know what’s going on in her life, so i can’t possible have a view on it. I have no idea how she’d fit into mine now, as i feel like a completely different person. I don’t even think i know anything about her as 80% of what she told me were blatant lies. All i know is that i have a choice as to how i view this situation – the cynical version, or the positive version.

Too proud to admit they care, too scared to be intimate, too stubborn to apologise, too jaded not to see that denial is a bad thing. Everything in her life is about becoming acceptable and maintaining an impression in other people’s eyes. And of course, getting away with it.

I am an enduring optimist, and believe it or not, always give people a chance when i can. I believe everyone has a right to have a say, to become better or to be forgiven. I can’t stand people who refuse to be compassionate or forgiving when they are able to and there is no reason not to. I do apologise and back down when i know i’m wrong because life is too short. If you don’t believe that, then you need to ask my friends and family as they all have a story of when i’ve said sorry or shut up.

I’ve always maintained that inside Kelly there is a wonderful person just waiting to break out. I’ve never doubted it. I’ve seen it, and it’s not the times she’s going out of her way to be seen to be someone like that.

When we met i saw her for what she was - a very confused and lost human being who was desperate to be parented, desperate for me to see her a certain way, and who was on the lookout for a yuppie sugar-daddy to settle down into a surburban house with, complete with all the life “achievements” ticked off - career, house, husband, kids. No, not a golddigger as several people suggested, but someone wanting a way out and a solution to all her self-imposed problems. She thought i was that wealthy yuppie

I never gave her the things she was looking for because they are false and counterfeit. The direction she was headed in was the wrong one, and potentially very damaging. Ultimately she was going all the wrong ways and doing all the wrong things to try and find happiness, and leaving a massive trail of destruction in her wake. Everything she valued was false.

You are more than your looks, your clothes and your figure. Happiness does not come through and buying and owning lots of possessions. People are not “things” to “get” things from in exchange for sex. Boyfriends are not parents who nurture their girlfriends and go through any type of suffering you put them through for a lifetime without any consequences. You don’t have to become “acceptable” to others when you are acceptable just as you are.

The road to God does not lead through Tarot cards. You don’t get your emotional needs fulfilled through attention-seeking and big dramatic displays. You can’t have your cake and eat it in relationships, or expect things to turn out well if you won’t communicate. You cannot have a sense of independence when you are always trying to tell people what they want to hear and avoid making them angry.

You cannot find your own identity by adopting someone else’s or being who someone tells you that you are. You cannot go around leaving people hanging on, and you need to be brave and have character. Kelly moulded herself around me and i rejected it outright because i could see what she was doing. She tried to be perfect in my eyes and didn’t understand why i didn’t want her to be my perfect “thing” to own like an expensive handbag.

I saw she didn’t respect men because of how she so coldly cuddled up to her fiance at night and then slept with me the next day, so i didn’t bend even if i tried to allow her as much leighway as possible. As a consequence she threw everything at me she could to get control, and it failed. Some unimaginable things got said to me (i’m scary apparently), but looking back it was just the angry rantings of a child who couldn’t have their way and didn’t want to have the consequences of they way they’d lived.

I am not a liar, and i won’t be treated like one. When i say i’m putting an end to womanising, i am. My word is my bond. If i say i haven’t been with anyone else, i haven’t. When i say i’m not getting back with my ex, i’m not sneaking around your back intending to, like she was (hence the paranoia). When i tell you that you’re beautiful, you had better sit up and notice as i mean it. I am not a monster, it is you being a total cunt and getting lashed out at in return.

But crucially, when i say i value people just as they are, i do. And i will not go along with you if your choices are wrong and the things you value are empty and false. If you’re on the wrong road, i am not getting on there with you, or standing by idly agreeing whilst you speed on down it.

She gave money to homeless people in front of me, and she even went to church with my family one morning when i didn’t want to. All of it was the same thing - i knew she was trying to appear a certain way when she didn’t feel that underneath, and she couldn’t understand why i wasn’t overwhelmed by those gestures. All it did was make me question her character. It was just fake, and everyone knew it. Nobody judged her for it, they just wondered why anyone would do it.

And that is her paradox - people reject her because she’s not genuine, and she doesn’t express her feelings. They would accept her if she was herself, and they would fall in love with her beauty if she opened up her heart. Everything she does to make herself attractive sends people the other way, and everything she keeps hidden and locked away is what makes you love her.

I denied her the things she was out for, and it ripped her apart – i refused to go with her on the fake things. She couldn’t have what she wanted, and it was traumatic. She cried more in the first part of the year than any other in her life. It was very, very painful.

All of these things i denied and blocked her. I refused to agree with it and never will. My vision of Kelly is not any of these things. I refused to become the big yuppie hot-shot for her, so she saw a genuine and more sanguine me instead. I refused to be the holiday fuck buddy who she visited every few days to get away from Kent, and made sure we went to hers instead, I refused to be a fuck buddy straight out, and demanded she deal with her ex. She was never going to be getting money, an all-tolerating daddy, a yuppie husband, a nice “catch” of a guy to parade to everyone so she could feel important, or some weak doornat who would run after her to check she hadn’t killed herself. This is a person who became obsessed with Burlesque simply because it was the only way she could think of to make her body be seen as beautiful.

She didn’t get what she wanted and/or was looking for. Yes i have my faults but i am real and genuine, as are almost all the people i know. She innocently walked right into the back garden of exactly the type of people she needed to be around who would love her just for who she was and show her how to just be herself and be loved for it.

The Kelly i believe is real is a deeply sensitive and emotional eccentric artist who loves animals, and who is wonderfully kind and maternal. She’s not remotely 9to5, although she is an early-riser with some amusing OCD. She’s quick-witted, absurdly generous and exceedingly thoughtful – unfortunately it’s because she gives “things” as substitutes for love, at present. The real Kelly is in love with art in every form: music, movies, drawing, painting, costume, dance and so much more. She’s kinky, scandalous, extravagant and has a love for the macabre and bizarre. All of her is about art. She is an artistic creative artist through and through in every way.

A girl who works in a bank to fit in and be a big shot, yet whose entire heart and soul is based on a love and passion for that which is solely about the expression of feeling and passion (art). Someone who wants to have adventure travels all over the world yet is determined to settle down with a yuppie husband to fit in and be approved of. A sensitive vulnerable person who has had to develop a tough shell to survive the onslaught of her early life. But that was a survival mechanism, and it’s not appropriate long term, in the now.

Everything she has gathered around her is fake, and contrary to who and what she is.

The underlying pattern is that the person underneath is different to the shell above. And the shell has to go because it’s fake.

Ultimately Kelly will copy everything i do. If i’m not speaking to her, she’ll do the same because she’s just too proud and stubborn to admit she cares or be seen as weak, wrong and/or vulnerable. Unfortunately the rest of the world doesn’t see it that way because all successful human relationships of any kind are built on a solid foundation of respect, trust and shared values. Where we differ is that i’m ok with letting people know i care about them, that they are worth something to me and that life is too short to bear grudges and maintain face (most of us get over that before we leave school). The one thing you can guarantee is that she will go to her grave with her fist clenched before she will put down her pride.

The sad thing is that she’s in a war with only one participant - herself. I’m not being proud or stubborn on this – i simply cannot allow that crap in my life. I am tired of having to forsake myself.

Not that she’d ever admit that because she would be trying too hard to give the impression that she doesn’t care. One day she may figure out that it’s that behaviour that gets her rejected, and the opposite that gets her accepted.

So to be honest she would have to approach me, because i think it’s fair to say that her catalogue of wrongs is considerably worse than mine. She *thinks* she’s somehow been betrayed, but i’ve actually *been* betrayed. I’m so tired of approaching her and being abused and disrespected that i just couldn’t. I am thoroughly convinced now that her ex ended their relationship, not her. I would love to hear his side of things. I could say a hundred million horrible things about her if i wanted to, and hang her in public for all the wrong she has done to me.

Would i let her back in my life? I’m not sure. The last thing she heard from me was that she would have to find things out the hard way and it was about making a choice as to who she wanted to be. If she has got back with her ex, who she doesn’t truly fancy, love or respect (also because she doesn’t want to be lonely, or it’s to appease her family, or because it “seemed like a good idea”), she will be abusing him and being part of something that is based entirely on lies. For me, that is almost unforgivable in how deeply callous a thing it would be to do. I couldn’t trust or respect her and it would be a deep character fault that would take decades of painful wall-bashing to resolve. If you make a conscious decision to live with lies you deserve everything you get, and if you believe that lying makes things easier and more peaceful long term, i don’t want to know you.

If she told me she hasn’t, but actually did, then it’s the same answer. If she has been with other guys, then she would have lied about what she was doing with her life, and again, it’s a no. If she lied about anything, the door will stay shut. Most people think i would be mad for even entertaining the idea, but i’m different and i believe prodigals should be given that chance, as we all should.

But if she genuinely took time out to be single and was true to her word, then although she has been fairly despicable and childish, there is room. It’s the only way out of all of them where i could respect her. If she wants to change, then she should be given the benefit of the doubt, as well as supported, helped and cared for. But she’s never going to get any of that unless she is willing and genuine, as it’s only her who is suffering in the long-term.

Emma maintains this theory that she was just looking for an excuse to get out of our relationship all along and had been lying to me for a long time, along with her guilty late night phone calls and so on. I see her point but i refuse to believe that the girl who curled up with me on my mum’s couch could truly be that callous. Not even Kelly. I do believe that she fell very deeply in love with me and was very seriously hurt, and she knows i care about her too. She’s made a whole load of assumptions about who i am, why i did what i did, what i felt and feel and what happened. I can assure you that 99% of them were and are completely, utterly wrong. There’s a part of me that also thinks she may have been making out she was getting back with him just to hurt me because she thought i was seeing someone else too.

I can’t understand how someone who was quite obviously romantically connected with someone can somehow decide they actually loved someone else all along – the only explanation i can think of is that it must be 2 different types of love involved. It sounds to me like the type of love she gets from her ex/current Phil is parental nurturing– permit everything, be there all the time despite how awful she is, never leave and accept everything. Romantic love is a companionship that involves sexual attraction and is a lot more boundary-based. Your mum and dad are the only people who will stay there no matter what you say or do, forever. IF you look for that in partner, you are looking to for parental nurturing love, not romantic love.

I’m haunted by what she said to me in an email about the last time i saw her, even though most of it was lying bullshit. I thought she was being obtuse and cold but she wrote that she was trying not to cry in public. It was at that point that i was telling how much i would love to shout from the rooftops about how much i cared about her and how wonderful she was, but just couldn’t because of how detached and aloof she was, and how she was getting back with her ex and trying to break it to me gently by saying it was going to happen in future. She walked off and said she was calling her dad, but it was blatantly her ex. It was probably more bullshit, but it still haunts me.

She sent me a txt after doing a Burlesque training day to thank me for telling her to carry on with it as she was really good at it, and i didn’t reply. I was pissed off she’d only just realised i wasn’t out to ruin her and wanted her to do it because she was passionate about it and would be good at it.

I was wondering if she’d considered that i may actually care about her, want her to be genuine and happy, and also have her best interests at heart. What i didn’t appreciate was being abused and taken for granted once she’d worked out i cared.

There is a beautiful, wonderful and feeling person is Kelly Saunders. In herself she is kind, patient, loving, open, gentle, trusting and so much fun to be around. She faked it, so she can be it. My demand of her was to be herself, and no-one else. To step out and be the person she dreamt of being, and just to be genuine and trust that she would be loved for it. To be the best she can be, and to cast off all the things that are faith. To find faith, and her Father, who loves her more than any of us could ever do. She wanted to be challenged, and she has been. She wanted someone she could respect, and she got her ass roundly kicked when she was out of order.

The reason i believe in her, or with anyone else, is because the Father believes in her. It’s not my place to judge her or damn her when she is His child. He made her the way she is, and He doesn’t make mistakes. Humans certainly do, and they corrupt children as they grow up. But my Father knows who she is, what she feels and what she needs. I’m commanded respect His judgement and mercy as hard as it may be. I believe there is goof in her that can be drawn out so she can bloom, but it cannot be done in a bed of lies or silly pride.

So it comes down to whether Kelly has made a choice, and what it is. If she thinks i am a man who will kick someone when they are down, enjoy saying “i told you so”, would withhold compassion or somehow take joy in hurting her, then she does not know me at all and has made a grave mistake. If she wants to be as much as i have always wanted her to be, and wants to make the choice to turn away from all the lying, refusing to show what she feels and being fake, then my arms are always open. I will never allow anyone i care about to fill their lives with things that are false, chase things that are false and empty, or be the false and superficial things they think they want and need.

It comes down to one question of trust – do i want the best? Is that who i am, or am i out to hurt her? If someone loves you, do they give you everything you demand, even if it’s bad for you, just because they supposedly love you?

21
Jul

real virtual reality with the blueroom

By Alex Cameron 0 Comments
Categories: Black Arts, Business, Life and Misc

Tech fiends, prepare to salivate. Laymen and chicks just stand there. One thing is constantly mentioned in the Star Trek series that everyone would love to see - the so-called “Holodeck“. For those that don’t know, the Holodeck is a massive 3D holographic simulator that can recreate any environment, time period or situation electronically, just in one single room. If you want to play Sherlock Holmes, it will re-create the entire scene in ancient England complete with realistic characters and full interaction.

Well, the Holodeck just arrived for real. OK, well it’s first incarnation maybe.

Last week witnessed the launch party of Zodiac’s “Blue Room”, which is a facility currently being used by the US Army to train soldiers for service in the gulf. When you go into the Blue Room, you walk into the desert, jungle, rainforest or contemporary Europe - wherever you want. Giant video walls recreate anything, anywhere.

Only one questions remains. How long til the porn industry catches on?

If you’d like a play, a colleague of mine is doing their business development so i’m your ticket to VR heaven. The company are looking for non-military sales leads, which can only mean that the facility is coming into our daily lives soon. Think SecondLife without the computer.

http://www.zodiacblueroom.com/

:)

18
Jul

a friday dose of ranting comedy

By Alex Cameron 0 Comments
Categories: Black Arts, Life, Misc, Rants and Wisdom

These four are simply some of the most hilarious, insightful, angry and compelling social commentators as well as comedians, even if 21 of them are dead. Make sure you head on over to YouTube or BTJunkie to download as much of their stuff as you possibly can as it really livens up a difficult day and opens your mind to seeing things differently. The guys you need to study and listen to are Denis LEary, Bill Hicks, George Carlin and David Cross.

Denis Leary - on “thinning the herd”, proper xmas presents and stupid children…

Bill Hicks, on drugs and why they are never reported positively…

George Carlin, on abortion and why being “pro-life” is anti-woman…

David Cross, on giving up air miles to terminally ill children…

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