I got asked that dreaded question the other day, “will you ever let Kelly back in your life again?”. It’s been one of those awkward subjects no-one really wants to mention, with good reason. I didn’t know what to say as i haven’t really thought about it. That might seem cold, but if you’d been as betrayed as i have been, it’s quite easy to just throw it away like bad garbage. Perhaps it’s time i broke my silence. Too many people have been asking and wherever i go i can’t seem to shake off all the hints and signs i see every day.
I don’t hate her. I feel sorry for her, and i say that with a heavy heart. The only word i can use is “callous”. She is possibly the most callous person i have ever known without a gun in their hand. But it’s a childish callousness.
She thinks i’m laughing at her or looking down on her in some way, like i think her life is falling apart and that she’s in terrible trauma. I don’t think that. I don’t know what’s going on in her life, so i can’t possible have a view on it. I have no idea how she’d fit into mine now, as i feel like a completely different person. I don’t even think i know anything about her as 80% of what she told me were blatant lies. All i know is that i have a choice as to how i view this situation – the cynical version, or the positive version.
Too proud to admit they care, too scared to be intimate, too stubborn to apologise, too jaded not to see that denial is a bad thing. Everything in her life is about becoming acceptable and maintaining an impression in other people’s eyes. And of course, getting away with it.
I am an enduring optimist, and believe it or not, always give people a chance when i can. I believe everyone has a right to have a say, to become better or to be forgiven. I can’t stand people who refuse to be compassionate or forgiving when they are able to and there is no reason not to. I do apologise and back down when i know i’m wrong because life is too short. If you don’t believe that, then you need to ask my friends and family as they all have a story of when i’ve said sorry or shut up.
I’ve always maintained that inside Kelly there is a wonderful person just waiting to break out. I’ve never doubted it. I’ve seen it, and it’s not the times she’s going out of her way to be seen to be someone like that.
When we met i saw her for what she was - a very confused and lost human being who was desperate to be parented, desperate for me to see her a certain way, and who was on the lookout for a yuppie sugar-daddy to settle down into a surburban house with, complete with all the life “achievements” ticked off - career, house, husband, kids. No, not a golddigger as several people suggested, but someone wanting a way out and a solution to all her self-imposed problems. She thought i was that wealthy yuppie
I never gave her the things she was looking for because they are false and counterfeit. The direction she was headed in was the wrong one, and potentially very damaging. Ultimately she was going all the wrong ways and doing all the wrong things to try and find happiness, and leaving a massive trail of destruction in her wake. Everything she valued was false.
You are more than your looks, your clothes and your figure. Happiness does not come through and buying and owning lots of possessions. People are not “things” to “get” things from in exchange for sex. Boyfriends are not parents who nurture their girlfriends and go through any type of suffering you put them through for a lifetime without any consequences. You don’t have to become “acceptable” to others when you are acceptable just as you are.
The road to God does not lead through Tarot cards. You don’t get your emotional needs fulfilled through attention-seeking and big dramatic displays. You can’t have your cake and eat it in relationships, or expect things to turn out well if you won’t communicate. You cannot have a sense of independence when you are always trying to tell people what they want to hear and avoid making them angry.
You cannot find your own identity by adopting someone else’s or being who someone tells you that you are. You cannot go around leaving people hanging on, and you need to be brave and have character. Kelly moulded herself around me and i rejected it outright because i could see what she was doing. She tried to be perfect in my eyes and didn’t understand why i didn’t want her to be my perfect “thing” to own like an expensive handbag.
I saw she didn’t respect men because of how she so coldly cuddled up to her fiance at night and then slept with me the next day, so i didn’t bend even if i tried to allow her as much leighway as possible. As a consequence she threw everything at me she could to get control, and it failed. Some unimaginable things got said to me (i’m scary apparently), but looking back it was just the angry rantings of a child who couldn’t have their way and didn’t want to have the consequences of they way they’d lived.
I am not a liar, and i won’t be treated like one. When i say i’m putting an end to womanising, i am. My word is my bond. If i say i haven’t been with anyone else, i haven’t. When i say i’m not getting back with my ex, i’m not sneaking around your back intending to, like she was (hence the paranoia). When i tell you that you’re beautiful, you had better sit up and notice as i mean it. I am not a monster, it is you being a total cunt and getting lashed out at in return.
But crucially, when i say i value people just as they are, i do. And i will not go along with you if your choices are wrong and the things you value are empty and false. If you’re on the wrong road, i am not getting on there with you, or standing by idly agreeing whilst you speed on down it.
She gave money to homeless people in front of me, and she even went to church with my family one morning when i didn’t want to. All of it was the same thing - i knew she was trying to appear a certain way when she didn’t feel that underneath, and she couldn’t understand why i wasn’t overwhelmed by those gestures. All it did was make me question her character. It was just fake, and everyone knew it. Nobody judged her for it, they just wondered why anyone would do it.
And that is her paradox - people reject her because she’s not genuine, and she doesn’t express her feelings. They would accept her if she was herself, and they would fall in love with her beauty if she opened up her heart. Everything she does to make herself attractive sends people the other way, and everything she keeps hidden and locked away is what makes you love her.
I denied her the things she was out for, and it ripped her apart – i refused to go with her on the fake things. She couldn’t have what she wanted, and it was traumatic. She cried more in the first part of the year than any other in her life. It was very, very painful.
All of these things i denied and blocked her. I refused to agree with it and never will. My vision of Kelly is not any of these things. I refused to become the big yuppie hot-shot for her, so she saw a genuine and more sanguine me instead. I refused to be the holiday fuck buddy who she visited every few days to get away from Kent, and made sure we went to hers instead, I refused to be a fuck buddy straight out, and demanded she deal with her ex. She was never going to be getting money, an all-tolerating daddy, a yuppie husband, a nice “catch” of a guy to parade to everyone so she could feel important, or some weak doornat who would run after her to check she hadn’t killed herself. This is a person who became obsessed with Burlesque simply because it was the only way she could think of to make her body be seen as beautiful.
She didn’t get what she wanted and/or was looking for. Yes i have my faults but i am real and genuine, as are almost all the people i know. She innocently walked right into the back garden of exactly the type of people she needed to be around who would love her just for who she was and show her how to just be herself and be loved for it.
The Kelly i believe is real is a deeply sensitive and emotional eccentric artist who loves animals, and who is wonderfully kind and maternal. She’s not remotely 9to5, although she is an early-riser with some amusing OCD. She’s quick-witted, absurdly generous and exceedingly thoughtful – unfortunately it’s because she gives “things” as substitutes for love, at present. The real Kelly is in love with art in every form: music, movies, drawing, painting, costume, dance and so much more. She’s kinky, scandalous, extravagant and has a love for the macabre and bizarre. All of her is about art. She is an artistic creative artist through and through in every way.
A girl who works in a bank to fit in and be a big shot, yet whose entire heart and soul is based on a love and passion for that which is solely about the expression of feeling and passion (art). Someone who wants to have adventure travels all over the world yet is determined to settle down with a yuppie husband to fit in and be approved of. A sensitive vulnerable person who has had to develop a tough shell to survive the onslaught of her early life. But that was a survival mechanism, and it’s not appropriate long term, in the now.
Everything she has gathered around her is fake, and contrary to who and what she is.
The underlying pattern is that the person underneath is different to the shell above. And the shell has to go because it’s fake.
Ultimately Kelly will copy everything i do. If i’m not speaking to her, she’ll do the same because she’s just too proud and stubborn to admit she cares or be seen as weak, wrong and/or vulnerable. Unfortunately the rest of the world doesn’t see it that way because all successful human relationships of any kind are built on a solid foundation of respect, trust and shared values. Where we differ is that i’m ok with letting people know i care about them, that they are worth something to me and that life is too short to bear grudges and maintain face (most of us get over that before we leave school). The one thing you can guarantee is that she will go to her grave with her fist clenched before she will put down her pride.
The sad thing is that she’s in a war with only one participant - herself. I’m not being proud or stubborn on this – i simply cannot allow that crap in my life. I am tired of having to forsake myself.
Not that she’d ever admit that because she would be trying too hard to give the impression that she doesn’t care. One day she may figure out that it’s that behaviour that gets her rejected, and the opposite that gets her accepted.
So to be honest she would have to approach me, because i think it’s fair to say that her catalogue of wrongs is considerably worse than mine. She *thinks* she’s somehow been betrayed, but i’ve actually *been* betrayed. I’m so tired of approaching her and being abused and disrespected that i just couldn’t. I am thoroughly convinced now that her ex ended their relationship, not her. I would love to hear his side of things. I could say a hundred million horrible things about her if i wanted to, and hang her in public for all the wrong she has done to me.
Would i let her back in my life? I’m not sure. The last thing she heard from me was that she would have to find things out the hard way and it was about making a choice as to who she wanted to be. If she has got back with her ex, who she doesn’t truly fancy, love or respect (also because she doesn’t want to be lonely, or it’s to appease her family, or because it “seemed like a good idea”), she will be abusing him and being part of something that is based entirely on lies. For me, that is almost unforgivable in how deeply callous a thing it would be to do. I couldn’t trust or respect her and it would be a deep character fault that would take decades of painful wall-bashing to resolve. If you make a conscious decision to live with lies you deserve everything you get, and if you believe that lying makes things easier and more peaceful long term, i don’t want to know you.
If she told me she hasn’t, but actually did, then it’s the same answer. If she has been with other guys, then she would have lied about what she was doing with her life, and again, it’s a no. If she lied about anything, the door will stay shut. Most people think i would be mad for even entertaining the idea, but i’m different and i believe prodigals should be given that chance, as we all should.
But if she genuinely took time out to be single and was true to her word, then although she has been fairly despicable and childish, there is room. It’s the only way out of all of them where i could respect her. If she wants to change, then she should be given the benefit of the doubt, as well as supported, helped and cared for. But she’s never going to get any of that unless she is willing and genuine, as it’s only her who is suffering in the long-term.
Emma maintains this theory that she was just looking for an excuse to get out of our relationship all along and had been lying to me for a long time, along with her guilty late night phone calls and so on. I see her point but i refuse to believe that the girl who curled up with me on my mum’s couch could truly be that callous. Not even Kelly. I do believe that she fell very deeply in love with me and was very seriously hurt, and she knows i care about her too. She’s made a whole load of assumptions about who i am, why i did what i did, what i felt and feel and what happened. I can assure you that 99% of them were and are completely, utterly wrong. There’s a part of me that also thinks she may have been making out she was getting back with him just to hurt me because she thought i was seeing someone else too.
I can’t understand how someone who was quite obviously romantically connected with someone can somehow decide they actually loved someone else all along – the only explanation i can think of is that it must be 2 different types of love involved. It sounds to me like the type of love she gets from her ex/current Phil is parental nurturing– permit everything, be there all the time despite how awful she is, never leave and accept everything. Romantic love is a companionship that involves sexual attraction and is a lot more boundary-based. Your mum and dad are the only people who will stay there no matter what you say or do, forever. IF you look for that in partner, you are looking to for parental nurturing love, not romantic love.
I’m haunted by what she said to me in an email about the last time i saw her, even though most of it was lying bullshit. I thought she was being obtuse and cold but she wrote that she was trying not to cry in public. It was at that point that i was telling how much i would love to shout from the rooftops about how much i cared about her and how wonderful she was, but just couldn’t because of how detached and aloof she was, and how she was getting back with her ex and trying to break it to me gently by saying it was going to happen in future. She walked off and said she was calling her dad, but it was blatantly her ex. It was probably more bullshit, but it still haunts me.
She sent me a txt after doing a Burlesque training day to thank me for telling her to carry on with it as she was really good at it, and i didn’t reply. I was pissed off she’d only just realised i wasn’t out to ruin her and wanted her to do it because she was passionate about it and would be good at it.
I was wondering if she’d considered that i may actually care about her, want her to be genuine and happy, and also have her best interests at heart. What i didn’t appreciate was being abused and taken for granted once she’d worked out i cared.
There is a beautiful, wonderful and feeling person is Kelly Saunders. In herself she is kind, patient, loving, open, gentle, trusting and so much fun to be around. She faked it, so she can be it. My demand of her was to be herself, and no-one else. To step out and be the person she dreamt of being, and just to be genuine and trust that she would be loved for it. To be the best she can be, and to cast off all the things that are faith. To find faith, and her Father, who loves her more than any of us could ever do. She wanted to be challenged, and she has been. She wanted someone she could respect, and she got her ass roundly kicked when she was out of order.
The reason i believe in her, or with anyone else, is because the Father believes in her. It’s not my place to judge her or damn her when she is His child. He made her the way she is, and He doesn’t make mistakes. Humans certainly do, and they corrupt children as they grow up. But my Father knows who she is, what she feels and what she needs. I’m commanded respect His judgement and mercy as hard as it may be. I believe there is goof in her that can be drawn out so she can bloom, but it cannot be done in a bed of lies or silly pride.
So it comes down to whether Kelly has made a choice, and what it is. If she thinks i am a man who will kick someone when they are down, enjoy saying “i told you so”, would withhold compassion or somehow take joy in hurting her, then she does not know me at all and has made a grave mistake. If she wants to be as much as i have always wanted her to be, and wants to make the choice to turn away from all the lying, refusing to show what she feels and being fake, then my arms are always open. I will never allow anyone i care about to fill their lives with things that are false, chase things that are false and empty, or be the false and superficial things they think they want and need.
It comes down to one question of trust – do i want the best? Is that who i am, or am i out to hurt her? If someone loves you, do they give you everything you demand, even if it’s bad for you, just because they supposedly love you?
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