Ever have one of those days where you feel all day like you did when you first woke up – fatigued, fuzzy and unexplainably tired and energyless despite having a lot of sleep and no real physical exertion? I’ve been totally TED Talks-‘d out and mentally knackered from working on shard on finishing the new online system for my new TV company. I’m also in trouble for flirting with Debbie (who’s married, yes i know, don’t start - she’s hot) when i was supposed to be laying all my attention on Jo last Friday.

I am also now officially a Crackberry addict. Themes, applications, email accounts, you name it. I have it all. Unlimited text messages and mobile internet. I even have my GPS sync’d up with Google Maps and the next thing is to get my Outlook sync’d with my Google Mobile Calendar. You know you are too electronic and have a really OTT social circle when you log into Facebook and it says “104 of your friends changed their profile picture” and “200 of your friends have status updates”. Pardon? How the fuck am i supposed to keep up with that?

Emotionally i’m quite messy for the first time in a long time. I wrote to Kelly last week to say the things i needed to, and i have no idea how it’s going to turn out. It’s a bit like opening up your chest and taking a breath, waiting to get kicked in the gut again. It was something i felt i had to do and was almost automatic as i didn’t really realise i was doing it and it just happened. Sending it was really fucking hard, but what was even harder was inviting her to find me. I said it would be just too painful to deal with her being back with her ex so i can take silence as the inevitable. In a few days i’ve gone back to feeling that hideous emotional wrenching and not being able to eat or sleep. I don’t know why i let it affect me so much but it just does.

How you can think someone doesn’t care about you when they’ve gone through the pain i have is a mystery to me. Posting that thing and feeling the hurt again has wiped me out physically and mentally. To think someone could do what she may have done is, well, unthinkable.

A few weeks ago i was browsing Waterstone’s and stumbling across this intriguing book by Barbara De Angelis called “What Woman Want Men To Know”. I was smiling away to myself because there’s this part that attempts to bust myths about chicks, one of which claims to be that women aren’t high maintenance. The irony that the book is 300 pages of explaining how women think and what men can do to be more understanding and caring wasn’t lost on me.

Somehow i ended up in the park with my own copy as it was itching at me, and i was blown away by how profound the whole book is. I’ve never read anything like it in my life. I think i must have read almost every man-woman communication tome in existence but this one escaped my gaze. It explains in detail why women are the way they are, how they feel and what men do that upsets them. It talks about the Neanderthal roots of women needing to keep men happy, how they experience time differently and that they have 3 core inner needs – to feel safe, connected and valued.

Putting a book like that in my hands is a bit like teaching a monkey to use sign language. It’s so good that i’m going to summarise and quote a lot of it here in the next few days.

As i was walking along reading it, i realised i had my head bowed. I felt shame. All of this stuff was totally alien – i didn’t recognise any of it. As i was musing and trying to file it all away in my head i had this heavy sense of total ignorance. The book was explaining how men cause women to feel and i saw that i was incredibly guilty of all of it. I had no idea. And worst of it, i understood why. How could i have done? I’ve become such an expert in contempt and showing i don’t care that i arrogantly overlooked the fact that i have absolutely no idea how to show someone i love them, day to day, every day.

Yes, i’m a nice guy, i can write lovely words, i can plan these amazing romantic things, i’m helpful and good in conversation etc, but when it comes to the real stuff i wither like a rather pathetic flower. I just have had no model for it and have never bothered to ask. I’ve always kept myself emotionally distant and picked situations where i wouldn’t have to commit or get involved any more than being a peripheral in someone’s life. When it comes to the things that matter, and to the people who really need that love from me, i’m a brick wall. IF you’re a strong chick it’s OK but if you’re not, i shy away from it and won’t stick my neck out.

I’m not in some pity party, it’s just that i’ve come to learn that the more you come to know, the more you realise just how little you know. It’s not enough to look at others and reflect objectively, or ask about the theory. The true question is the one you ask of yourself, and looking in the mirror no matter how hard it may be. Getting out of denial and opening your eyes up to where you need to grow.

And that’s how i see this – that i need to grow. That i’m being stretched. I have to get out of my comfort zone and get a new plant pot because i’ve outgrown the other one. It’s time for me to learn, study and commit to growing. Essentially i need to re-work a lot of my attitudes. I’m limited by what i think i know. I am open to learning how little i know. What’s the point of pretending otherwise?

I am willing to accept i haven’t given the people i love what they need. I don’t say that flippantly. I know i haven’t given enough or loved them like they have needed to be loved. I’m not perfect. I believe what matter is that i’m willing to keep trying and trying to get it right, even if it takes a long time and i get it wrong. I believe a man is strong and brave enough to face that and do something about it.

The first point in the book is that female biology is still at work in these contemporary times. In caveman days, women were dependent on men for survival itself. Their lives depended on finding a good mate, then doing everything they could to keep him happy so he’d stay with them, as if he left, they would literally die (men being the ones who hunted the food). This “safety” issue is apparently something that unconsciously engages a woman’s survival instincts, hence why they can disassociate love from “lying back and thinking of England” when sex/intimacy is a chore they just need to get through.

It also explains that women are creators, and the need for make-up, shopping and planning is about being creative and expressive rather than being superficial. A lot of anger and coldness is just fear. Tiny things to us guys are huge deals to chicks, and there is a “thought diary” that i just couldn’t believe. A woman’s whole existence is through the eyes of love, and their partner.

A fascinating equation is the “10 to 1” rule, which is about how time always feels 10x longer for women than it does for men (hence why you need to call around twice as much as you think you should), and that because women tend to minimise their feelings, it’s safe to assume that when she says she feels bad, it’s 10x worse than she says it is. All perfectly clear. Only that you have to read a book or spend 2 weeks working it out, instead of her telling you herself.

In the bit about feeling “safe” bit it says safety comes from fidelity, compliments, consistency, reliability, inclusion, compassion, reaching out, communication, confronting issues, scheduling time and plans, and reassurance. Unsafe includes flirting, criticism, inconsistency, irresponsibility, exclusion, judgement, withdrawal, silence, denial, vagueness/ambiguity and lack of commitment.

Apparently the way you bring out the worst in a woman is not to talk to them, not listen to them and ignore their needs , be rebellious, don’t reassure them or comfort them, flirt with other women, be distant and aloof, criticise them, be vague and ambiguous (you mean like “hinting”? see my point here?), be forgetful and procrastinate, don’t pay attention to them and don’t tell them what is going on with you.

Ok, simple then. Not a long list.

Fair enough, i haven’t been willing to do much of that. I haven’t committed to it and have inadvertently tried to escape it. Guess who did that first? My dad. Hurrah. Another set of things i have to learn. I have a naturally cynical resistance/apathy to these things and i don’t know why. It feels like too much effort but i know i should do it. I guess that’s a denial issue and me wanting to stay safe and not have to give more than the laziness i feel it is. When you love someone you make the effort as relationships are hard work, but worth it. Or so i tell myself.

Whoops. The last part is my entire MO. It’s also what a guy does when he’s hurt, unappreciated, taken for granted or abused emotionally, which is what Barbara misses out. It’s generally when she’s done something really wrong or resentment has stored up – unless you are one of those 5% of guys who is a real asshole (in which case don’t worry as she’ll see you as a challenge and chase you forever). I’d love to do all those things, but i honestly have a problem with expecting to get it back.

Maybe that sounds cynical, but it’s honest. Bullshit others but never bullshit yourself. I know i’m not alone in thinking that at all, which is certainly why girls i know have so many problems with their men. In these lovely days of equality, us tripods accept it but it’s tilting the other way. Now it’s us fighting to keep you, especially in the case of chicks who have a strong disrespect and hatred of men in general.

And now as i think about it, it comes back to my plant analogy. You need to water a plant to keep it from wilting.

If you look at that list, it’s almost always a last resort. I’ve shut people out of my life a lot, but it’s never for “impact”, “effect” or as some kind of punishment. It’s me reaching the end of my tether because that person wouldn’t listen, would respect me, wouldn’t be kind to me or understand me. It’s my last line of defence when i’m being hurt. It’s because they’re ripping me to shreds, expecting me to pretend it’s all OK and when i can’t take any more of them shutting their love for me off. All it takes in this life for anyone to shut me up, pull down the walls and re-open the doors is to tell me genuinely that they love me and care for me, and want to get their heart re-connected to mine. If they all knew it was that easy.

Respect is something so key to me. I’ve learnt that above all things i need to respect the person i’m in a relationship with.

And you know why guys treat women so badly? It’s quite simple. They go walkies anyway. The worse we treat you, the more frustrated you get and fight to have your way, showing how much you care. Ignore you, and you try with all your might to get our attention. Give you everything, and you go looking for a challenge once it’s taken for granted. In some men’s eyes they only way to keep a woman there is keep her scared and on her toes. And yes, you can scream in outrage all you like, but nobody would do it if it didn’t work and weren’t true. It would have just died out a long time ago. If you find a place where there are women who don’t take you for granted, reward you for loving them and don’t take you for granted, let me know. I’m so there. And i’m bringing all my male friends because they’d leave their girlfriends very quickly.

For the record, I don’t think like that. But you will hear it in every pub and every men’s toilets.

Most women seem to be just absolutely appallingly bad and inarticulate with explaining how they feel or why they feel it. They expect s to “just know” as if we were in a lesbian relationship with them. It’s certainly quite an education. My task at hand is to try and redraw that cynicism by forming a new angle of appreciation of the female psyche. There are so many things i love about the female gender and none of us are perfect. I think what i’m getting at is that i want room to fuck up as much as i give others room. I want someone to be as giving and understanding as me in their heart. Yes, haha. That’s not a whole lot, i hear you cry, and you’re right, it’s not. But that’s going to change.

I find it incredible what women will put themselves through. And what they will accept in terms of suffering. Jose and i were talking recently about a girl she had seen in the gym who had feinted on the treadmill – clearly suffering from some kind of eating disorder. I’ve said to her that i believe there is a “key” to the “lock” on these things, and i believe it is to do with the fact that the sufferers tend to focus on one or two areas of their bodies (thighs, stomach etc) but don’t realise that weight comes off in different places in a different order for everyone. Their fundamental understanding of physiology is completely wrong.

That goes some way to explaining why they keep pushing, starving and exhausting themselves as they are still focusing on the one or two areas whilst the weight comes off elsewhere and makes their bodies disproportionate, again fuelling the vicious cycle. But they keep at it as their thinking is clouded from malnutrition and they won’t stop until the weight is off that area they want, which never comes off. It’s an ignorance of how the body works and why fat is stored in certain places.

And why we’re on that subject, why is that every single woman has a “baby pouch” they hate, and they know for a 100% fact that every model in a magazine also has one that is always, always airbrushed out, do they still have such a hang up about it? That piece of the body is for elasticity whilst pregnant and for protection of the reproductive system? It’s also really sexy for some unknown reason to guys. Flat stomach = sexually available to mate, no pouch = androgynous/damaged.

I have no idea where to start. I’m going to write it up here because it will embed it in my head and start making some big note poster things to keep around with me and display on the walls wherever i am so it gets re-programmed. I’m going to break the chain in my family and extend myself so i get this properly and pass it down the line to my own kids. It’s not even a case of ironing out the creases, more rebuilding and re-creating what was meant to be there in the open space. I need to be more understanding. I need to be more giving. I need to stop being so fucking scared and be a man. I have no idea how i ended up learning to do the exact opposite of what you are supposed to do.

I learned to manipulate, and i learned well. I learnt you could keep people there next to you by fear, when it’s more powerful to be a positive person who makes them feel good and safe. I learnt a very cynical set of beliefs that you would always be betrayed and where i never trusted, and i saw it happen in front of me when i was small and never knew anything else. Right now i have no reason to think otherwise, in fact it’s almost certainly about to be confirmed again. But i guess that it’s then when you need to be the bravest and more courageous, as if you can do it in the face of all that you can do it anytime. I won’t give in and close my heart up – i’ve seen firsthand how that kills people and my choice is to live with a heart wide open.

Don’t get me wrong, all men are guilty of it; and some much worse than others. But there is nothing i can do about them. I am responsible for myself and my own life and choices. I don’t know how to go about growing to the point where i’m doing everything i can to make the person i love feel “safe”. And that’s the bit that came across hardest to me whilst reading the book, as well as how women become so ill, cold and weakened when they are “love-starved”. Not every girl needs the same care of course, as some are more autonomous than others. I’m going to need all of your help on this one as this is literally like something completely new to me. Easy for you, not too simple when you have no idea what it is, what good it does and/or any real inspiration to do it.

I guess i need to be with someone who understand and appreciates that i don’t have all the templates and models in my head for it and need some latitude in learning them. Someone that is willing to make me feel safe in return so i can grow with them, even if they’re retarded too. Maybe the word is “forgiving”. I need someone to shower it on who won’t damn me and can see the person inside me wanting to reach out, because then there is no Volcano Man. A little character and a little safety could bring out the very best in me, and a lot of times it has.

That list doesn’t look too hard. I can do it. I know i can do it. I guess the first step is in admitting you don’t know a thing and need to start at the beginning.

To tell you the truth, i’m just plain scared. There, I said it. It’s seriously intimidating for me. I may come across very confident and sure of myself but when it comes to the matters of the heart, i just don’t trust anyone. People take that defensiveness as criticism and anger when it’s surely just fear. I can’t think of a single time when i’ve put myself out on the line and told someone i cared when i knew they were angry or didn’t care, or when i’ve ever asked a girl if we could get back together. Of course we’re all proud but pride is a fool’s errand. Once you’ve seen death up close or been to your own funeral in a coaching session you realise pride must never cut you off from what’s important.

If you pressed me on what causes my outrage, it’s because of those buckets of courage i have (or so i’m told). For me it’s worth it, so i just know i have to do it. I don’t understand or have enough patience with other people who are too scared. Surely if it matters enough then that overrides the fear?

Saying that, i can’t remember a time when i allowed myself to look weak in front of anyone either. Ever. I’d love to be able to. I cried with Bebs once and she said never loved me more than she did that moment. People ask why i say i’d die in her place, and that’s the reason. She also the only person i can fall asleep with instantly instead of taking so long to settle. None of that is romantic per se, but it’s an indication of just how much i need to feel safe myself. It means so much to me when someone can see through the BS even just for a second to know who i am underneath and to fight past the crap to get to it. Seeing is one thing, but fighting through it is when you know they really care.

At the heart of it is the nagging heavy feeling that even if commit and give her all she wants and needs, she’s going to leave me anyway. It’s almost like i need to say “OK i’ll do this, promise me you won’t leave me.”

Fuck. This has turned into a rant and a strange emotional tangent. One of those blogs i write that’s absurdly honest and people think i am totally insane to publish. One that i publish anyway.

When i’m older i’m going to look back on my life and remember it as a series of moments where i’m praying privately with tears running down my face and saying “i don’t want to do this, but i’ll do it if you say i have to. OK, i’ll do it. I need to do it. I’ll do this. Just hold my hand while i do.”

By the way, these are the films you need to download and watch right away.

• Felon – rated 10/10 consistently on IMDB, and one of the best films i’ve seen in years.
• Untraceable – very inventive torture, and watch out for the MPAA anti-piracy propaganda.
• What Love Is – characters and script, a very rare and brilliant movie.
• The Bucket List – moving, passionately acted and epic in a very subtle way.
• Pathology – great plot, worse than “Saw” and the most excruciating death at the end.
• 21 – ripping off Las Vegas casinos with maths, the opposite of gambling.
• Superhero Movie – fucking hilarious. Watch out for the Tom Cruise Scientology parody.
• War Inc – sardonic, brilliant and very black, but scarily prophetic.
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall – from the director of “The 40 Year Old virgin”. honest, heartful.
• Chaos Theory – highly anal efficiency expert goes nuts when he finds out his daughter isn’t his own
• Numb – brilliantly moving movie about depersonalisation disorder.
• The Mist – the most horrifying film you will see in years and you won’t quite know why
• Hero Wanted – guy gets revenge and brings total destruction on his family. Painful.
• Gone Baby Gone – seems crap, but lots of plot/moral twists and turns.
• Taken – ultra-hard ex-spy destroys most of the world looking for his daughter.
• The Great Debaters – inspiring tale of a black debating team killing Harvard.

Asleep in perfect blue buildings
Beside the green apple sea
Gonna get me a little oblivion, baby
Try to keep myself away from me

“Perfect Blue Buildings” by Counting Crows