I never really knew much about the north. As i grew up in such a Daily Mail-True Blue home, the only side i heard about the times of the great winter of discontent were the Tory propaganda of Thatcher doing the right thing and shutting down all the industrial works, and the ungrateful whining power-hungry unions portrayed as the bad guys. There really seemed to be this enormous divide between the two cultures and political party allegiances. Middle class ignorance and bigotry grated on me.

I knew it wasn’t the whole story but i never had reason to question it. I only really took time to learn when i started to travel there regularly and listen to the people to understand what had happened. The inevitable trail of globalisation had started to hit and it just wasn’t feasible to keep the mines and quarries open when they were being bought up elsewhere in the European Union. Yes, Thatcher did have to do the inevitable thing, but her sin was much greater. Aside from being a political manoeuvre to stop the erosion of democratic power shifting to the unions, the damage was mostly in what the conservative government of the time didn’t do.

And no, before you flick away, this isn’t going to be a political article if i can help it. What Thatcher did was to fail to support the disenfranchised industries or re-train the communities with other trades to fill the vacuum. Whole towns were decimated, families left out to die and the swathe of the North embittered and alone. They took away but never supplied anything to replace it or show them another alternative.

That’s what i’ve been thinking about lately in terms of dressing people down. I do like to rip into morons, fools, ingrates and selfish brats because the fact they can’t seem to think their way to better times and being better people makes me crazy. I can’t see why they can’t do it if i can. But i have overlooked something greater – it’s not enough to rip down the dirty laundry, you have to show them a better, higher way of doing things, what they should be doing instead. I hadn’t the patience for it until lately when i began to understand the nature of how change happens using the metaphor of sowing a seed and watching the tree grow.

I have a good female friend who drives me mad, even though i love her to pieces. I told her a while back that although her and i really could hit it off romantically, there’s no way i’d get involved with her because of how badly she deals with difficult situations in her inevitably childish way. I know of 3 or so others who are currently doing exactly the same thing. I’ve made the mistake many times of expecting immature girls to behave like adults whilst i’ve been confronted with attention-seeking, outright lying and guilt trips about me being mr nasty.

Let me clarify, although i’m not going to mention her name even though she is heading overseas soon. Let’s call her X. X split up with her long-term boyfriend a few months ago, although they still live together (ding ding, alarm bells). As far as she’s concerned they’re over, and she has a new boyfriend and regularly travels the world with him. She maintains the long-term ex knows the situation but it’s still hard for him as he still loves her.

That’s all fine and good until you notice that her public Facebook with all her close friends still deliberately says she’s in a relationship with him, he doesn’t know about the new boyfriend and she never brings anyone back or talks to him about their situation. She’s only planning to change all that once she’s left the UK. Unfortunately she’s still very much in a relationship with him for all intents and purposes, and so no wonder the guy’s confused.

She’s keeping him happy. She doesn’t want to hurt him. She’s avoiding arguments and hiding away from it. She doesn’t want trouble and it’s easier to keep it like that because otherwise a whole mess will break up. She wants to avoid the trouble it will bring. As she has the upper hand, she can have it as she wants it and get away with it.

I don’t think i’ll need to point out what i think about her doing that.

It’s amusing she says she’s doing it to avoid hurting him, when she’s doing it to avoid being hurt by his anger, pain and broken-heartedness. I love the way women talk about “the relationship” when they mean “me”, and the way they say they are doing things to save others when they are saving themselves.

Now don’t think i’m tarring all girls with the same brush, but my god, this crap is so prevalent. Trying to point out that she is heading into more trouble than she thinks she’s avoiding would never do any good as she’s set on doing it, and too terrified of the alternative to contemplate it. She thinks she’s “saving” his feelings and their friendship. Girls, we need to get one thing straight.

No-one is ever going to thank you for being dishonest with them. And yes, it is dishonesty whether you accept it or not.

Sorry if you don’t like that, but that’s how it is – ask anyone. It might work on the set of Friends, but not in real life. If you think otherwise, you are totally, utterly delusional. X is going to end with 10x the anger and hurt she tried to avoid, and the friendship will be lost permanently. It has never, ever worked, ever. Deliberately trying to keep the peace might be a good idea at girls’ nights out, but it doesn’t work anywhere else. Did it work for your mum when she did it to put up with your dad? No.

This rampant people-pleasing crap is so appalling amongst women that it can be difficult to cut through the fog a lot of the time. Like other guys i’ve eventually come to the conclusion that the female gender is programmed to harmonise and is appallingly bad at dealing with painful situations and potential conflict. If a woman advises you strongly to keep the peace or gets upset when there is a conflict somewhere you just have to tune out and deal with it as a man. Ignore any of their excuses about why they people-please. Just tell them to shut up and let them seethe it out.

Now i’ve turned the curve when it comes to diplomacy as i acknowledge the idea of plurality and context, because it can be appropriate to be sensitive and not deal with things violently on occasion. But the balancing act here is stepping up to deal with the hard things when you need to. In female vocabulary, that’s not very often at all. Almost all routes lead to people-pleasing it seems.

I wondered where this silly idea came from and i came to the conclusion that it’s twofold – it’s a form of putting off something not very nice (good old fashioned procrastination) and again, old fashioned immaturity. It strikes you as the way a little girl of around 8 would react to her parents. It’s easy to understand that in stressful situations we tend to regress to childhood states – indeed, the practice of long-term warfare and torture is to induce psychological regression through gradual loss of identity.

So to put it bluntly, my friend X is chronically immature and desperately needs to grow up. I know it’s harsh as i think the world of her, but it is pathetic. Procrastinate on looking for that new job and you only hurt yourself, but procrastinate on a relationship disconnection and you hurt someone else. That’s the difference, and the reason why putting off the inevitable is completely the wrong thing to do. If you really cared about the other person, you’d be honest with them. If you’re not, you’re doing it for you because you are a childish coward.

Harsh words, but true. I can just imagine the feminine uproar- i shouldn’t be so insulting, i should just be more sensitive and keep the peace.

The trouble is, i’m not here to keep the peace. When you make decisions, there is division. Only when everyone is completely scared and confused do we all cuddle up in a nice warm herd. Sorry, not my purpose. I’m here to do live well, live honesty, and do the right thing.

A big girl doesn’t run away or hide, or “keep the peace” – she deals with things when she has to for the good of everyone, including herself. When things need to be faced or talked about, they are. A big girl communicates, rather than hinting, not saying anything or hoping someone will get the message on their own without any input/risk from their side. Silence isn’t a hint, it’s just plain immaturity and inability to communicate – little girls go silent when they are annoyed and having a tantrum. Running away, hiding, procrastinating, people-pleasing, maintaining a particular front for people and keeping those you love in the dark is not big girl behaviour. It is what a little girl does when she’s scared of making her daddy angry.

She might get shouted at. And when daddy shouts, it’s very scary. She thinks he doesn’t love her anymore and she’s not worth anything. It feels horrible. The best way is to lie her way out of it and make sure nobody finds out. And she gets very, very good at making up stories/reasons and lying her way out so she doesn’t get shouted at. As long as she can’t be disproved she has something to fall back on so she’s not shouted at.

It’s better and easier just to lie and let them think that things are OK, as when you lie things turn out OK and when you’re honest there is an argument. Right?

Very, very wrong. Very, very childish.

Why is it that we are brought up to believe we should do our best to keep others happy? What good does it do us? Has it led to a safer, happier world? Is that “peace”, or simmering resentment? How does it help our development as a species and as people to all try to be like each other and be responsible for everyone else’s feelings?

If you think you somehow “have” to appease people, you are pathetic. You are a childish fucking idiot who needs to seriously do some work on themselves as a human being. You don’t “have” to do anything in this life. You think like a 6 year old. You have a brain for a reason, so fucking use it.

Get that? You’re a weak moron who urdently needs to change for their and other people’s good. Don’t do it. Stop it this moment, right here, right now. It’s just obnoxious and immature.

I’m tired of having to explain why you shouldn’t do it. Do it to me and you can absolutely 100% guantee there will be a massive argument. The best way to avoid is to be clear, straight and honest.

We have celebrity thrust in our face constantly every single day by unimaginative TV producers and vacuous magazine editors who know it’s a sure thing we’ll buy if they put the latest flavour of the week as their lead story. Celebrity teaches you subconsciously that you must be liked by everyone. You muse please everyone. Everyone has to like you – all of them. If 100 people out of 100 don’t, or just 60, or god forbid just 10, you’re not acceptable and have failed as a person.

Wait a second. All those celebrities we see – is it the case that *everyone* likes them? Not at all. In fact, the vast majority of them are disliked, criticised and seen as a symbol of something unpalatable. But the public (you and me) want to be like them because they are significant and the subject of attention, conferring value.

Bill Cosby can have moments of absolute genius and this was one of them, when he was asked the secret of his success:

“Nobody knows the secret of success, but the secret of failure is to try to please everyone.”

Bill Cosby

That’s right; there is a secret to failure, and congratulations for learning it so well and really taking it to heart. Pleasing everyone is totally, utterly impossible, but you’re going to religiously give it a go regardless of the fact that has never been accomplished in humanity’s history, and anyone of any note wouldn’t even dare try it because it is so foolish.

Did you read that properly? The secret of failure to try to please everyone.

If you want to make something of yourself and your life, you are going to get criticised. You are going to make enemies. Not everyone is going to be behind you - in fact a lot will be against you.

You will make enemies and have arguments. GET OVER IT.

You will fail if you try to please everyone. Pleasing everyone is guaranteed to lead you to absolute failure. Standing out involves upsetting the apple cart and standing out.

Stop trying to please everyone and accept you won’t. And that’s perfectly OK. You’re not meant to. Lots of people who piss you off too, and try to keep you pleased (which you hate of course – do you thank them for it like you want people to thank you for it?). The more people you piss off, the more likely it is you’re getting somewhere. When you succeed, it will threaten others and make them feel crap about themselves, even though it should really liberate them to do the same. Some are so small-minded, seized on their inferior complexes and blinded by their every day material obsessions to be broad enough to celebrate with you. The more resistance you experience, the more you are stirring up the waters and making headway.

You judge a person by their enemies. Everyone wants to be your friend if you have something they want (money, status, body etc), but your enemies directly correlate to your true status. If your enemy is big, you’re big. If you have no enemies, you are no-one. So people-pleasing is about keeping your head down, being absorbed into the crowd/background noise, and pushing yourself down so that nasty situation you want to avoid doesn’t happen. Remember that – if you are trying to have no enemies, you are trying to be anonymous and nothing.

If you don’t threaten anyone, you’re not a threat Duh. Only when you start to become something do you start being noticed out of the crowd worrying other people they might be overtaken or replaced – and they won’t like it. They’ll act to subdue you, neutralise you or just point out all your flaws.

One of the most liberating realisations i ever had was when i was doing my little personal survey, and i was looking at the answers to “would you vote for me as prime minster?”. Even though it was flippant silliness, i was a little bruised about the 30& who said they wouldn’t. Then i looked at it again, and saw 70% said yes. Fuck that, all i would need is to have a majority on side, and just give up trying to convince the other minority as they’d vote against me anyway. All i would actually need is 51% to do it. That re-frames and changes the way you look at it. I broke through.

You shouldn’t really need anyone else’s approval at all, although if you’re in the arena i am public opinion is a source of power so must be protected and moulded. When you realise that all you really need is 60% or more positive vote, the other 40% are completely irrelevant. You have your victory, and the win gets a hell of a lot closer when you set the goalposts at the right distance. Live with victory in your sights, and you are victorious. You decide the rules by understanding the game, and you win the battle beforehand. Success isn’t a newspaper headline or a place, it’s a series of headlines and a journey of a number of celebrations one after the other.

As Andy Warhol observed, you don’t read your own press, you weigh it.

Let’s take the every day example of walking down the High Street rating your own attractiveness (as some very vain morons do), where you pass by maybe 200 strangers. Right of the bat, 100 of them are the same gender as you, so you’re left with 100. Out of that 100, you’ll probably find 25 of them attractive, and maybe 2 or 3 very attractive. The same principle goes for you – any other person will put you in their top 25, and only 2 or 3 will think “wow”. If you go around wanting and needing to be attractive to all 200, you are an idiot. Only a fool would attempt that or expect it. It’s nonsensical, but you do it anyway.

People-pleasing is a very immature, unevolved and to be honest, rather silly idea we learn when we are young. You’re not going to be attractive to everyone. Not everyone is going to like you or care about you, but we let it hold us back inside. Once you full grasp the principle of only needing the majority (if you even need that, which you don’t), life changes. Once you stop having unreasonable and absurd expectations that are fantasy, you can start to step out and do amazing things.

In most cases you can’t truly avoid conflict. Putting it off only makes it worse, despite you thinking that the longer you leave it, the less it will hurt or the calmer someone will get. If you stubbornly refuse to deal with it, you’re in for the original trouble x 100, simply because you have all that time for stewing and the bad feeling that goes with someone being led on and/or appeased. Being pleased or appeased isn’t enjoyable, you will never be “appreciated” for it and it will never get you out of the woods. All it does is delay the inevitable and make the likelihood of it being ven more painful as a result totally inevitable.

Indeed, one of the most fascinating debates we have in school to become warmed to the complexity of politics is about Neville Chamberlain’s appeasement of Hitler, and whether it was simple cowardice or just buying us to time to equip ourselves to fight back. If the majority of women had their way, we’d still be appeasing him into the 1950s whilst he assimilated Britain. Winston Churchill, widely renowned as our great Prime Minster of all time who led us to victory in a world war, noted very astutely:

“An appeaser [people-pleaser] is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last.”

Winston Churchill

By the way, that’s you. Feeding the crocodile in the hope the trouble won’t happen. When you think about it, it’s entirely dumb, but that’s what fear does to people. Yes you can be stupid, but you don’t interrupt your thought process and stop it now, do you?

If i only wrote things on here that attempted to please you and tell you what you wanted to hear, would you read it? I doubt it. Do you want to be told what you want to hear, or do you want the truth? Do you want to know how someone has spent time working out what to tell you to keep you sweet? Would you respect then for it, or think more of them if they dealt with it maturely? Do you want to know how long it’s taken for them to come up with a way of being totally dishonest with you, supposed for your own good? Do you think anyone is going to thank you or be kind to you for it?

It’s not that i like sadistically attacking emotionally-underdeveloped adult girl-children, but you have to make these decisions based on what your values are. I don’t have much time on this planet and i don’t plan on spending it on small talk and being appeased by people. I simply can’t respect anyone who does it, even though i understand it. Of course i understand it, but that doesn’t make it right or make it forgivable. I understand why Stalin killed 40 million of his own countrymen, but i’m certainly not going to accept it. I’m not going to try to tell God what he wants to hear when i pray, and i’m not going to live in open active denial because life is hard sometimes.

I know i’m not the only one who hates cowardice. Talking to another (female) friend tonight i heard all about how angry she was with her ex not because they split, but because he was such a procrastinating coward. She’s more angry about how pathetic he was than the hurt of the break-up. I am totally the same. I can get over the pain of a relationship fuck-up, but the lack of character that follows it is what disgusts me for years afterwards. So ladies, with me you have a double problem – i hate it personally because it hurts, but more because it’s morally abhorrent.

I don’t want o sound like a misogynist, but the truth is that until most women have grown up past their mid-20s a lot of the experiences men as a whole tend to have with them can be very negative. Yes, us guys can be a nightmare too, of course. The difference is that our sin is thoughtlessness and apparent indifference. Us boys don’t think as much like as you would like us to, and we don’t think in the way you want us too. Most girls will admit that they’d sleep with another woman but wouldn’t have an emotional relationship with one.

I’d ask you to consider one thing – if women think so much about so many things all the time, and think through things a million times more than men, then how come they all too often end up making the wrong decision, if they even make one at all? What good does all the thinking and feeling do? What use is thinking and under-communicating so much in such a complex way if most of the time the result is negative, wrong or chaotic? There just might be a reason we’re built to look at things simply.