There are so many things i want to talk about but also absolutely none. I’m in a strange dichotomous mood of being thoroughly pissed off and mightily fired up. Things are very well but i’m restless. Success is addictive, and i want to do more. The more people and resources you get behind you, the more you can do. I’m hungry, and i’m ready. Achieving feels good – better than a session at the gym, and more refreshing in 10 minutes than 2 weeks in the sun. The opposite is also true, as not doing anything makes you feel shit. Unless of course you are one of those types that just adores maintaining the status quo and grazing until you buy the farm.

A Christian friend of mine said to me recently that the Father was “really stirring things up”, and he’s so very right. A week has gone by now and more redundancies, bank repossession action, and the governor of the Bank of England declaring recession. It’s easy to think it could be sadistic, but the wise will see that what is being trashed is false bullshit. The monetary system is man-made, and it has encouraged and enabled the worship of material things – anything that takes your eyes off anything spiritual. The veneration of cars, expensive household crap, holidays and money for its own sake. Banks are what we have faith in and rely on for our security now. My friend’s comment is that God is our security, not money, or banks, and as Bono so wisely said, He doesn’t need cash.

Think about it. Think about how insulated we are. People are fascinated with macabre things like death and horror movies because it’s a novelty they don’t get to see anymore. Our lives aren’t threatened, we don’t want for natural resources, and we have very little, animalistically speaking, to fight for. 2 generations before us they fought wars and saw friends die, as people in the 3rd world do now. We are totally insulated from anything that is actually part of the natural world, and our existence revolves around the acquisition and management of money, what’s on TV, our social standing and what we own. All things tied to the monetary system. Money is our god.

But we’re more than that. Life is more than that. We are sedated and asleep. When was the last time you protested something and said “NO” and meant it?

The bank thing has been winding me up, as the whole taxpaying population just got royally fucked, and nobody did anything about it or was even bothered to stand up and say no. I spent an hour on the phone today arguing with HSBC over a fuck-up they made on my account (and confirmed in writing was their fault) and subsequently charged *me* for – an hour explaining why i shouldn’t pay for mistake they made, and which had to be escalated past the line manager. You don’t get to arbitrarily bill me when you feel like it. If you won’t let me call the branch manager direct, i’m not accepting postal mail and you can fucking well email it.

We bailed these assholes out when we shouldn’t have. They are not going to bail you out. They have taken our money to save themselves from the results of their greed when everyone else who has done the same is going to just fold. Don’t be fooled with the bullshit about the economy collapsing – if they did go bust, they’d call in all the loans and overdrafts from everyone, no-one would be able to pay them back, and the bank would fold – with your overdraft and mortgage, so you wouldn’t need to pay them back. You could put your money in a foreign bank (Ireland, Switzerland etc) or a foreign-owned one (e.g. Abbey, HSBC etc). Any card with a Visa/Mastercard works fine, and the Bank of England dispenses bank notes, It’s all bullshit.

When you choose an action, you also choose its consequences.

I’ve finally had enough of the High Street banking monopoly and it’s arrogant abuse of Joe Public. I decided a while back that i’m going to take the advice of many wealthy friends and make sure none of my money goes anywhere near any of them. I’m simply tired of paying tax and being the government’s credit card for the money men. My new company is being transferred overseas, and my wealth is going to be tied up in physical materials that don’t significantly experience large variances in value, such as gold, art and property. The trouble is that i have 20+ UK accounts so it’s going to take a while to sort them all out. You can think of it as a very practical protest – i’m not funding pointless wars, greedy misguided banks and incompetent local taxes, or contributing to an economy based on the infinite regression of debt.

Last night i somehow got into a conversation with a hardline US Republican who also happens to be a fundamentalist Christian. God knows why. She was extolling the virtues of McCain-Palin that i called “that retarded little duo” and “Elmer Fudd and Fuckhead”. I can’t understand how anyone can even contemplate voting Republican after Bush and the damage he’s done. But that’s the interesting thing – the US make their politicians really work for it and the country votes on one thing: abortion. The GOP )Republicans/conservatives) want to ban it outright, and the Democrats want it upheld.

The scary thing is that this lady i was talking to votes Republican as she sees them as the “Christian” party, and it’s about “standing with Christ”. Say that to me and it’s like a red flag to a bull. There is no reasoning with these people and the lack of critical thinking terrifies me. I wonder if they read the same scripture i do. This woman had the nerve to say i was “poisonous” because i believed women should have a choice as to whether to continue a pregnancy or not, and my contention that God was very smart and very reasonable. I needed prayer because i wasn’t “standing with Christ”. Fuck off you dumb fundamentalist cunt.

But let me make something very clear. If you talk to a Christian and they tell you that you deserve the punishment of hell or aren’t loved or forgiven, scripture makes it clear that it’s blasphemy. It’s BIG time blasphemy. What they are doing is putting themselves in God’s place and making the judgement only He can. If anyone does that with you, remind them it is blasphemous and only God may judge. That includes me, if i ever do it, or have done it. Only God gets to say who goes where in the next life. It’s very simple, and it’s very clearly written in the Bible several times. Where you go is entirely dependent on your personal relationship with the Creator. No human may judge.

I went down to Acorn this morning and although i’m outgrowing it quickly, what gets said there is always extremely challenging in a very gentle way. Today were the stories of Elijah and widow of Zarephath and the prostitute washing Christ’s feet, and all about the difficulty of forgiveness. John, one of the most gentle men you will ever meet, pointed out in his usual soft way that we may just be sharing the rest of eternity with some of the Nazis at the Nuremburg trials (the ones who genuinely repented) and a lot of other people we can’t stand right now. No-one is beyond redemption and all of us who are genuinely sorry from the bottom of our hearts deserve forgiveness without exception. Everyone deserves a 2nd chance, or even the biblical 77 x 7.

That’s a difficult pill to swallow. It’s also why they say forgiveness is divine, as it’s beyond most of us.

And why do you help those have scorned you? It’s simple. Your character is defined by the way you treat people who can’t fight back and/or can do you no good. It’s about you, and the person you are. Being kind and showing grace to those who have you hurt you and you can’t forgive is about who *you* are, not what them or what they’ve done. How you react is what’s it’s about.

What i realise last week is that i’m healed. When i say “outgrowing” Acorn i mean my days of going there to heal are over. I look back on where i was at the start of the year and where i am now and i am a completely different person. My god i’m so much tougher. Not in a callous way, but wiser and more principled – less susceptible to temptation or things that would distract me. I think the best way to describe it is to say i feel “consolidated”. In prayer, healing comes in 3 stages – first you’ve suffered crucifixion, then you are buried, then you are resurrected as someone new. I know in my heart and spirit that i’ve swung out of the corner right into dawn on the third day. That’s the only way i can describe it.

A lot of my restlessness is symptomatic of something in me that’s stirring. It’s not a pre-30th birthday thing either. There are those mumblings, of course. Yes you look back on where you are and where you came from, as well as what you know now that you wish you knew back then. Your beliefs solidify and crystallise from your values and experience, and you are more secure in yourself. I have all that, but it’s something else. 30 is traditionally the age you are allowed to become rabbi or an imam, as it the age you are believed to reach a reasonable spiritual maturity.

There’s a leader stirring in me. Everything i’m doing is coming to focus around leading. My heart has turned, if that doesn’t sound too trite. I’m no longing doing micro-managed things, i’m delegating them properly to others. I’m thinking around having the right people around, and getting angrier and angrier with the political bullshit i’m seeing and hearing. I see the world falling apart, and me, and everyone around me, going in the opposite direction. I find myself being the lone cheerleader with the rallying call to arms. A rising tide gathers all boats, as they say. People are settling and i’m revving up to really punch some holes and start a riot. It would be a very foolish thing to try and debate me recently, as i know what the fuck i stand for, whose side i’m on and right from wrong.

I spoke to Krys this morning (the absurdly sexy Krystle Gohel for the pervs amongst us, and no, you can’t have her number, before you ask) and said i felt like i had to build an ark like Noah or something, flippantly. Virgil taught me to see lost people as vulnerable, and he was right. When i look at lost people now, i can see the problem is shitty or non-existent leadership. Leaders give people hope, and put their people’s needs before them. A leader is someone you know will succeed and someone you go “wow” when they display their strength of character and will. A person you would go to war behind, and believe they will win the war, with you there too. People are lost, and they are clueless. But it’s because they need leadership, and don’t have it. The solution is strong leadership, not fixing individual people one by one.

Leadership is also about making the right moves, as my favourite, Persia, pointed out. There’s no point to climbing up a ladder if it’s leaning against the wrong fucking wall, or straightening deckchairs on the Titanic if it’s heading for an Alaskan cruise. And you have to step up because if you don’t, the idiots and assholes run amok and tear the place to bits, along with everyone who lives in it. Without challenge, the incompetent and evil fill up the vacuum, harming the rest. It’s not about votes, ego or anything else – it’s about doing the right things for the right reasons. I can’t see a single leader i would fight with or for right now, or one who would inspire m with confidence that they’d win a war they set out on. And god forbid any of them kick the ass of people who are fucking wrong. What i’d give for someone to stand up and say “NO”.

You don’t do it for a kingdom, you do it because it needs to be done. And it’s a lonely, difficult thing. You never know if you’re doing the right thing, are criticised for everything, can never show weakness and have no-one else around who can see it from your perspective. It’s not a life you’d choose. If you want kudos and girls, try something else. My life is going in that direction and it’s something you take a big gulp at rather than brag about. It’s intimidating. But it’s worse not to do it.

I don’t know how i’ll ever be ready for that. Apparently i’m already doing it. I’m just me. I just decided to do it my own way. I have no idea as to how it’ll play out, but i know i’ll make a million mistakes along the way.

But i do know one thing – that’s it’s *our* time now. It’s time for all of us to stand and make our mark; it’s time for all those who supported me to prosper with me; it’s time for all of us who have suffered and survived horrific shit to take the reins and command the changing winds. The days of the bankers giving out loans are over, as are the days of politicians spinning away. These are the days of our lives, and the ones we will be remembered for. The bullshit is over and the world is what we decide to do with it. Fuck everyone else who came before, and everyone who wants to try to push us off the road.

I’ve known for a very long time that i was going to be involved in televisual media and eventually in politics. As the years go on i get closer to the appointed time and its strange to see all the things you saw in advance actually happening as you saw it. I know i was going to transition to politics as i have a fairly natural understanding of the power plays, although i don’t do greasy poles. No-one in Parliament inspires me. And when there’s no inspiration, then it’s time for you to become it.

It starts with integrity in your own life and a disciplined drive towards strength of character and will. Character, if nothing else, is making the right choice and sticking to your guns when everyone and everything else is pressuring you to do differently. Making the right decisions and plays is hard, but important and worth the trouble. Once you understand how the cognitive process works, you can execute it relentlessly. Education is the key, as is the willingness to be wrong and be educated.

This is the chain of reasoning:

Education
–> Knowledge
–> Understanding
–> Wisdom
–> Judgement
–> Choices/decisions
–> Consequences
–> Experience
–> Education

Yes, wisdom also comes from experience, i know. I’m describing the process.

Education means you gather knowledge, which you then chew over so it becomes a greater understanding. Understanding people and situations creates wisdom, which in turn forms your judgement. When you judge a situation, you can make choices, which comes with consequences. Those consequences affect your own life and the lives of others around you, which form experience. That then restarts the whole cycle, meaning you grow and evolve. This process governs our lives, thoughts, feelings, actions and experiences, and is self-fulfilling.

Conversely, if you fuck it up, the whole chain is messed up. If you were badly educated, or refuse to allow yourself to be educated, your knowledge and understanding will impede your judgement and cause you to make bad choices that negatively affect your life, meaning you suffer bad experiences that fuck up your thinking and educate you wrongly again.

I’ve found that we automatically default into negative thinking if we developed a negative mindset when we were younger, and simply because the world is so shitty we can’t help take in all the bullshit and decide everything is bad and we should expect the worst. You need to guard your mind as it receives so little positivity that it easily slips back into being negative. I now make sure that the first things i see and hear in the morning are positive, even if the day is a fucking onslaught, as it sets the tone for the rest of the day. And i don’t mean listening to an overpaid over-excited Chris Moyles, tabloid radio show, i mean proper encouragement and positive, motivating material.

One of the most influential sources of positivity and negativity are the people you choose to surround yourself with. As they say in LA, you have to check your people. Cut off from the ones that are miserable, unhappy, unlucky, negative, full of self-pity, impotent, apathetic, never learn, never ask for or get help, unmotivated, resentful, passive-aggressive, controlling, critical, woolly, New Agey, ambitionless, childish, undisciplined, unprincipled, unemotional and so on. You don’t have to be harsh, just make your choices. They need to make their own and take responsibility for their own futures. You have to keep going back and break off from them as their thoughts, beliefs, attitudes and actions are poisonous and infectious. They’re not doing on purpose, but they are damaging. You can love and encourage them from a distance.

How do you measure it? Look for those who are grateful. We can all find something to be grateful for.

When you check your people, we’re talking about the ones who have truly got your back that you can pour you love, attention and energies into. Those who have shown themselves to be trustworthy, stayed by your side even when they knew you were wrong, display their principles but have a flexibility to grow and admit when they’re wrong that cause you to respect them, and simply those with a positive drive even though life has beaten them down. You already know who these people are and why they should be there, but the courage you need is to walk away from the people who are bad for you, kindly, and positively. If you surround yourself with the wrong people (or none) at all, you have no-one but yourself to blame for it, and if you know that and do nothing about it, then you deserve to be on your own and should probably stay that way.

Ultimately this life is stage where we play our part and dance to the tune we belief in and adopt, and it’s up to us how perfect and beautiful that dance is. How you carry your burden is what makes you and gives you your place in history and in the hearts of those you know. There can be no silence in the face of ignorance, no cowardice when faced with the refining fires of adversity, and in the darkest places of despair lies the means to deliverance. We make the rules now.

Intoxicated eyes
no longer live that life
You should have learned by now
I’ll burn this whole world down
I need some peace of mind
no fear of what’s behind
You think you’ve won this fight
you’ve only lost your mind

“Had Enough” by Breaking Benjamin