I’ve read almost every book on male-female communication that’s sold in stores. It’s a brave man who tries to understand the mind of a woman, and to take a look inside it makes you acutely aware of what a terrifying place it is. Even women themselves don’t understand it, or understand themselves in general. I’ve been meaning to copy out some of my favourite book on the matter here for a while, and as i had some spare time this evening, i finally got round to it.

Speaking to Beth and laughing at how uptight she had got with her other half about their relationship prompted me to. I was chewing her ear off about how women drive men mad by never bothering to work out if they are actually asking the right thing, so they don’t have to blow up with frustration when they don’t get what they want. The case in point was the infamous example of when a (very immature) chick says “can we talk?” and it sends men running for the hills. That usually means you’re about to receive whole barrage of complaints, hear how depressed she is, and all about “the relationship” (i.e. her).

“Talking” as defined by humanity and the dictionary implies conversation where there is an interaction and/or exchange between 2 people (where you occasionally interrupt each other or speak over the other person), but what they really mean is “will you listen to me and not say anything while i talk at you?”. 2 seconds thinking about it and asking for the right thing (or of course, some basic maturity) gets you what you need.

Without further ado, here it is.

Women put love first. Women choose to make love and relationships a priority – these things just are a priority in their awareness. They don’t choose to have their heart focused on the man they love – it just is. They don’t choose to always be thinking of ways to connect with men, they just do. They don’t decide to put love first – it just is first.

If a man spent a day in the mind of a woman in love, they’d be shocked and amazed at how much they think about them, how aware they are of them no matter what else they are doing. What’s below is a sample of one woman’s list or “thought diary” that she’d kept in relation to her boyfriend, Joseph. Melissa is an executive at a radio station and has been involved with Joseph for almost a year. It’s about half of the whole thing as the whole diary would go on to fill a book.

Here’s how Melissa’s day went.

6.45am I wake up thinking about Joseph, excited that i am going to see him tonight. I lie in bed fantasising about it for a while.

7.00am I want to call Joseph to say good morning, but i tell myself i should wait to see if he calls me.

7.10am I can’t decide whether or not to wash my hair now, or wait until just before my date so it’s really clean when i see Joseph.

7.15am I decide to wait to wash my hair, but while in the shower i remind myself that i need to put out the new body lotion Joseph said he likes so i’ll remember to use it after my shower this evening.

7.40am I am eating breakfast, remembering how sweet it was last weekend when Joseph stayed over and we had breakfast together.

7.50am I am watching TV and there’s a report on the news about Caribbean hideaways. Joseph and i have been talking about taking a trip there soon, and i write down the information the reporter mentions.

7.55am Still no call from Joseph. I am wondering whether or not i should call him and mention the TV travel report. I decide to wait another 10 minutes.

8.05am I call Joseph and we talk for a few minutes. He is racing around getting ready for an important meeting at work, so he can’t really concentrate, but he says he can’t wait to see me later, so i am happy.

8.20am While i am putting on my make-up, i think about the conversation i just had with Joseph, and replay the sweet things he said.

8.35am I am in my closet, deciding what to wear for work, and start thinking about which outfit i should wear tonight when i see Joseph. I bought a new top a few days ago that i think he will like, and i try it on just to verify that i am still pleased with it.

8.50am I am making the bed, and decide that i will change the sheets later before Joseph gets here. Of course, i am hoping he will spend the night.

9.20am I am driving to work, listening to the radio. A song by Carlos Santana comes on that Joseph and i love, and it reminds me of a road trip we took to San Diego when we played the Santana album the whole way. I smile thinking about what a great time we had. I am tempted to call Joseph on his mobile and tell him i am remembering San Diego, but i know he is probably on his way to a meeting and focusing on what he needs to accomplish.

10.45am I am looking at Joseph’s picture on my desk, and decide that i want to get a nicer frame for it.

11.30am I notice the time, and wonder if Joseph’s meeting is over and how it went. I am hoping he’s happy with it, so that he’ll be in a good mood tonight.

11.50am Joseph calls for a second on his way back from the meeting. He sounds pleased. I tell him about hearing the Santana song this morning.

11.57am I notice that i’ve been a little agitated since Joseph called, and i realise i am feeling concerned about something he said on the phone regarding his need to get out of town next week.

12.30pm I am at a lunch meeting with a new client at a restaurant i’ve never been to before, and i’m thinking that Joseph would really like it, and that we should come here sometime.

2.10pm I pass a grocery store, and remember that i am out of Joseph’s favourite soap. I decide to stop and pick up the soap, and once inside, i walk through the produce section and notice that they have beautiful raspberries which Joseph would love, and buy some.

2.35pm I check my messages back at the office, and even though i just talked with Joseph a few hours ago, I feel a tiny bit of disappointment that there’s no message from him. I know this is silly, but it’s how i feel.

2.55pm I open my mail, and discover an invitation to a party celebrating a well-known writer who is doing a benefit lecture in town next month. I make a mental note to myself to ask Joseph if he will be able to come with me.

3.15pm I glance at the time on my computer clock, and feel a twinge of excitement that i will see Joseph in less than 4 hours.

When she is in an intimate relationship, she sees the world through the lens of love. It’s as if she is wearing a special pair of glasses whose prescription is her love for Joseph, and her experience of life is perceived through those love glasses.

Now if you show that to most men, they’ll smile and tell you how sweet is, as they’re expecting you to want them to think it’s sweet. That smile is a grimace. Whether they say it or not, that guy is thinking something he can’t say: PSYCHO. And before you think it, no, your guy is not special, and it’s not just horrible chauvinist Alex who thinks like that. I can assure you its the natural male reaction - your guy just won’t say it.

I can tell you what the guy version of this is in about 3 lines:

a) Her tits looked great this morning. Countdown: 4 hours til blow job….3 hours til blow job…1 hour til blow job…
b) Fuck i can’t wait to get a pint and let my head decompress.
c) She’ll be well impressed when i tell/show her..[insert impressive thing]

You know it’s true. The book even has a sidenote for men reading it.

Men: Please know that this process is so natural to a woman , so much a part of her nature, that she isn’t even aware that it’s going on.

But the explanation of what’s going on is fascinating. It continues:

For most women, love is a non-stop reality, a consistent awareness that never quite disappears even when we are working or performing tasks that seem to have nothing to do with love (note from Alex: this is why men have a problem with women driving cars or operating complex machinery). For most men, on the other hand, the experience of love is much more compartmentalised: it is an appointment men make with a part of themselves.

Women don’t have to shift into a loving awareness – they are in it most of the time, whether it’s being expressed or not. On the contrary, most men do have to consciously choose to make a shift into “love mode”.

Women define and value themselves by how successfully they love and relate. Men define and value themselves by how successfully they achieve and accomplish. In more primitive times, a woman was valued for her ability to take care of a man and their children, her ability to emotionally and sexually satisfy him and thereby keep him interested enough to continue providing for and protecting her, her ability to get along with him, his relatives, and the other members of the community. Her success at these tasks also had life-or-death consequences, for females who did not please men and win their favour had no way to take care of themselves and ultimately would perish.

Women put love first because they have done it for thousands of years. Their very survival depended on it. They have learned to maintain a continual awareness of the state of their love life, doing their best to make sure everything is okay, that there aren’t any problems they’re overlooking, that their partner is still happy with us. So when things are good in the relationship, they feel good about themselves, and when they’re not, they feel unsettled and insecure. No matter how smoothly things are going in their professional life or their projects, hobbies, and interests, if there’s a problem in their intimate relationship, a woman is miserable.

If you grew up in an emotionally cold family, for instance, you may have made an unconscious decision as a young girl that it wasn’t safe to share you love and open yourself to intimacy. A painful childhood can put a damper on a woman’s inherent tendency to love deeply. An emotionally damaging relationship with a man can leave a woman feeling wounded and closed off. Often women who’ve been hurt will consciously take their focus off of love, and put it exclusively on work and career, hoping to avoid more pain. This “love reversal” is a form of protection. It’s as if we unconsciously decide to become more cold and unfeeling – like the people who’ve hurt us.

Their longing for intimacy and connection is just as powerful as ever – it’s the willingness to seek it out that has changed.

Extracted from “What Women Want Men To Know” by Barbara De Angelis.