In my family there is a very strong theme of co-dependency, which is generally known as the way a spouse behaves towards an alcoholic partner. Its incredibly common but very rarely discussed - you may be too, as well as a lot of the people you know. It is defined as:

i) A set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviours learned by family members to survive in an emotionally painful and stressful environment. These behaviours are passed on from generation to generation whether alcoholism is present or not.

Or:

ii) A psychological condition in which someone exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for other people’s struggles. Also using other people to create good feelings within ourselves.

Co-dependency has 5 main core symptoms:

• Difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem;
• Difficulty setting functional boundaries;
• Difficulty owning our own reality;
• Difficulty acknowledging and meeting our own needs and wants and being interdependent with others;
• Difficulty experiencing and expressing our reality moderately.

Boundary systems are invisible and symbolic “force fields” that have 3 purposes: 1) to keep people from coming into our space and abusing us, and 2) to keep us from going into the space of others and abusing them, and 3) to give each of us a way to embody our sense of “who we are”. Boundary systems have 2 types: internal and external.

I took time recently to set out some personal boundaries of mine in a relationship.

• Whatever we do is fair, and reciprocated by the other. If you ask or need from me, you do the same in return if you can. If one of us makes an effort, so does the other. There isn’t one rule for you and one for me.
• I don’t like you flirting with other guys particularly, but if you want to, its cool by me as long as i feel secure with us. If you don’t want me flirting with other girls, you don’t get to flirt with other guys. Up to you to choose.
• 100% loyalty - Cheat on me just once and we’re over and never speak again. Cheating means being romantically intimate with someone else - holding hands, sharing a moment, kissing and anything sexual.
• Nudey pics don’t go anywhere and get deleted if we go wrong, by either of us.
• if you want telepathy or me to “just know” so you don’t have to tell me, you have to meet me halfway and talk too.
• It has to be over with the exs. Very happy for you to be best of friends with them if you want to, but no sneaking around, no getting too friendly again and i come first.
• If i get you a present on a special day, you get me a card at least too.
• I never, ever want to know anything about your previous sex life. Never talk about it.
• Lie to me once and i’ll be annoyed. Lie to me more than once and i’ll be watching out from then on. Keep lying and you’re single again.
• Baggage is fine - refusing to deal with it, ignoring it or making it worse isn’t.
• Its important that my family and friends like you. Make an effort.
• If someone criticises me, you stick up for me and you certainly don’t join in. Disagree with me in private if you really have to.
• You don’t get to hit me or abuse me physically. Do it once and an apology accompanied by guilt is OK. Do it twice and i call the police and leave you.
• If you’re angry with me, tell me what the matter is instead of bottling it up, so we can actually deal with it and not let it eat away.
• You don’t get to take your shit out on me unless its about me. Go to the gym. Scream at a friend. Keep it out of our relationship.
• Talk to me like an adult and be an adult. No childish games. Make the effort to talk to me calmly, maturely and soberly.
• If you have a serious problem (or problems, plural) that need serious medical or psychological help. you get that help and change.
• Don’t make me your whole life or put me at the centre of your life. I am a piece of your life, and i can’t make up for all the other things you are unhappy about.
• You must have your own life and keep it fresh and interesting so you can bring new things into our relationship. Don’t leech off mine.
• You have to have a direction, purpose, career and life mission. If you want to sit on the couch all day, smoke weed/drink booze and suckle on the titty, go find yourself a hostel somewhere.
• I might pick up the tab occasionally, but not every time. Pay your way, 50:50. If you can’t, make it up to me another way somehow.
• You don’t get to dress up really sexily to go on the town. Attractive, beautiful and pretty, fine. Overtly sexually (mini-skirts, see-through clothes, low/tight tops etc), no you don’t. If you want other men lusting after you, go be a lap dancer.