I guess the worst thing about living a 9-5 life and going out with mediocre people is that you miss out on proper conversation - the kind that has intelligence, quick wit, depth and substance. If i had a penny for all the peopel who tell me they like me because i am the only person they can talk to on a deeper level, i’d be a very rich man. Most people are afraid of “deep” talk and are always trying to fit in with illiterate retards who think words are throwaway items you just stared at blankly in GCSE English. It’s not cool to be deep apparently. The kind of people who think that also think that “depth” is about 1cm downwards.

In yesteryear your social status was inferred by your ability to converse intelligently and gracefully. Being discriminating as to the company you kept was a virtue, which is now in complete opposition to the absurd postmodern mantra of “accept everyone”. Why, exactly? I don’t want to know people who only do small talk. It’s pointless. We’re on this ball of dirt for such a short time and the point is to connect with each other and pass on what we feel and know, for the betterment of the whole race. In a nutshell, it’s about spirituality. Who you are comes out in what you say and do.

So in that vein, the gorgeously foxy and superbly sexy Caroline, the femme fatale, struck up an interesting conversation with me this week that was just begging to be published. If you’re in any doubt or confusion as to how you have a proper conversation and actually get to know someone, read on. Why rant when you can exemplify.

Caroline’s in bold, and i’m in regular. She starts. Each time we ask the next question to the other.

Ok deal! I’ll start then…

What’s the first thing that runs through your head when you wake up on a Monday morning?

Taking the initiative - I like that. Clearly a woman who likes to be on top.

A: am I late? Thought after: who’s bed is this and what’s her name? Then - time to fight the world.

Q; if you had one curse someone could throw at you to affect your life, what would it be?

A curse? Wow, that’s dark! I guess any curse would affect my life in one way or another! I guess it would be the curse of being really timid! Bad times!

Ok, your house is on fire. What 3 things do you rescue?

Easy. Laptop, blackberry and photos.

Q: what’s the easiest way to seduce someone?

PASS! (We’re all allowed to pass, right?) That’s a closely guarded secret of mine! Although, I’m sure some people use rohypnol.

Q. What’s the easiest way to seduce someone?

Lol rohypnol! New rules eh? Hmm. Chicken. Although alcohol and loingeries is hardly a secret now is it?

A: romance, and lots of it. Plus genuine passion.

Q: what did you want to be when you were 7?

I wanted to be a vet or a journalist! I remember being in trouble for completely bandaging the dog up one Sunday afternoon…

Q. Marmite?

Love it.

Q: for every ____ there is a ____

For every beauty, there is an eye somewhere to see it.

Q. Describe yourself in 5 words…

An excellent quote. I have a whole 500-person survey of those descriptions of me but I’d say…

Character. Passionate. Insighful. Compassionate. Complex.

Q: what pne thing could change your entire world?

Travelling for twelve months would surely make me a different person…

Q. What attracts you to someone?

Banter, character, chemistry and intense passion. Physically? Devil eyebrows,dark features.

Q: what turns you off someone?

A lack of independence, being too needy, lying, poor hygiene, game playing and horrible feet.

Q. What will you be doing at 8.15pm?

Telling my mum how much I love her and giving her a great birthday present.

Q: what was the last thing to blow your mind?

Walking through the Sahara and finding an oasis at 5am last month! It was pretty special!

Q: When was the last time you cried?

A few weeks ago after not eating for 2 days and walking 17 miles down a dark dual carriageway as a test of will and character. Turned up to see my dad for breakfast and he spent half an hour telling me to give up because I was a complete failure.

I am shocked that your dad told you that you were a failure. I know it’s none of my business but you don’t need people like that in your life Alex. Look at everything that you’ve achieved. I hope you are extremely proud of yourself. People that try to bring you down are battling their own insecurities.

Anyhow, is your day good?

Oh, and Q. What’s the last thing you cooked?

Thank you its funny the hardest battles aren’t with the world but with yourself the neglection by those who are meant to support you. My dad is an abuser and most of my life has been about ridding myself of the involuntary brainwashing - thankfully I rose over him a long time ago and have begun to see him for who he really is. Normally it wouldn’t have mattered but I was exhausted that morning and really didn’t need.a battering. It strengthened my resolve and I deliberately went out of way to return good for bad straight after by texting the people to tell them I believed in them and to have a great day.

Cooking? I suck at it! A monstrosity last night of chips, veg, pie and other crap!

Q: what’s the most moving thing anyone has ever said to you?

Isn’t it funny how the people who are closest to us are the ones that bring us down. Strangely enough my father used to be abusive too. Even though we now get on very well, I still can never forget. I’m also glad you turn the negative into the positive and don’t allow yourself to be brought down.

My gran died two years ago on Christmas Eve but I went to see her in hospital the night before and she held my hand and told me she’d always love me and that I would go far. I knew when I walked away that evening, that I would never see her again and it killed me to look back for the last time but her words are etched in my mind and the memories are still emotionally moving.

Ok, Q. What are your weaknesses?

Wow.

A: Devilish eyebrows, chocolate, my nephew, detail, being too compassionate when i should be tough, lingerie, my inability to let go or give up. A long list!

Q: What are 5 qualities all your closest friends share that makes them your closest friends?

Five qualities are: loyal, excellent sense of humour, caring, impulsive, positive

Ok, what five things really piss you off?!

A: lack of character, lying, attention-seeking, pretentiousness, stubbornness.

Q: What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

A. Being afraid is a state of mind and so if I really wanted to do something, getting over being afraid of it would be the first positive step to actually doing it. There’s no way I wouldn’t achieve something I wanted to just because I felt afraid! However, despite all of this, I’d probably need to coach myself for a few months before attempting to swim with killer sharks!

Q. When was the last time you did something really bad? Oh, and what was it?!

You should water Sharkwater - www.sharkwater.com

A: Normally i’d have a huge list of things but wow, i’m actually not that prolific I guess it would be the abuse i gave this attention-desperate chick i was seeing earlier in the year when she hurt me as i really lashed out and said some really horrible things. She deserved it, but it would have crushed anyone.

Q: How would you like to be remembered?

Um……… sounds messy… break ups always are. I’ve only ever had bad break ups! Are you guys friends now? I want to be remembered as a true lover of life, colourful, energetic and impulsive. Someone who never holds back in what they feel, think or do. Unless of course it’s very inappropriate! Sometimes my thougt should be kept to myself!

Ok Mister… Q. Ever spied / stalked on anyone?

Nope - i don’t have any respect for her at all and threw her out of my life for her lying and people-pleasing. I wish we could be but she has so little character than i (sadly) don’t have anything good to say about her. Perhaps one day, but only when she’s grown up and stopped behaving like a twat.

lol have you ever seen “Mr Inappropriate” on C4’s “Balls of Steel”?

A: Never stalked, but spied, definitely. Electrcnically, not physically. Always wish i hadn’t, but found out 99% of the time that my suspicions were right.

Q: Is there something about me that you’ve always wanted to know but have never asked?

Mmmmmmmmmm, sounds like my ex! Onwards and upwards! Lied and cheated on me and I just packed up, hired a van and left him one night when he was working a late shift! It truly was the most liberating thing I’ve done for a while! Balls of steel?! I absolutely love it! The bunny boiler cracked me up! I haven’t seen it for a while and so I haven’t seen ‘Mr. Inapproriate’ but I think the title says it all!

A: Again, if it was appropriate, I would have already asked you and yes, I have many questions! I may even have some inappropriate ones but that depends on how many gin and tonics I indulge in on the evening of culture!

Q: What’s in your pocket?

Beth just called me and said she’d emailed the details across. I never get why guys cheat? It’s just a weird form of greed and cowardice, the activity for those without character.

I have my very own Bunny Boiler-like girl called Persia Pirelli who is amazing. You might meet her on screening day.

I can assure that you can ask absolutely anything at all - in fact, i challenge you to try and unsettle me. I’ve see kids die in Africa, had huns pointed at me and seen limbs blown off. It will be a challenge!

A. Well if i reach dee enough, my manhood. Otherwise, a lighter, my blackberry, a pen, and some rizla.

Q: do you think we should publish this Q&A because of how cool it is?

Hahahahahaha! I’m loving that statement! Yes! Lets publish it! I agree, it is fucking cool and I think you are even cooler for suggesting something that is totally on my wavelength! I’m looking forward to meeting Persia. That’s a strong name too! I bet she’s awesome!

Alex, I’ll accept your challenge and ask you to do the same. By the way, I would say having a ‘hun’ pointed at you would be quite the opposite of unsettling! Hee! Right Mr, I have to shoot again, I’ll be back for more Q and A time in the morrow. Oh, and you can sleep on this one?

If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?

A: The way i judge and lose respect for people who have betrayed me, when i should love them and be compassionate because i’m just as fallible.

Q: If the world was ending and a secret new planet was discovered that only you could emigrate to with a few select people, who would you take, and what would you create that planet to be like?

Hey! That’s a difficult question Alex. If the world was ending, I would of course want to take my family and closest friends but that wouldn’t form the beginnings of an amazing new world. Just a whole lot of carnage and partying and forced incest. Yuck.

I’d take both of my brothers however, because the three of us could take on the world

My best friend and soul mate Vicki would come and I guess because I haven’t enough time to think this question through properly, I’d stick some seriously hot, intelligent guys up there too. Well, that solves the incest challenge at least!

The planet would be unique. There would be no laws and everyone would have a huge amount of respect for one another. There would be animals too… lots of them… and cocaine… and blueberry muffins…

Oh, fuck it. Now I’m daydreaming.

*Abandons question*”

Q: How do you know you are in love?

Just a whole lot of carnage and partying and forced incest”
LMAO!

I agree with George Carlin when he says children need at least one hour a day of pure daydreaming, with no interruption. It’s good for the soul, for creativity and for imagination. Amazing things we create in our mind can be brought out into the real world.

Well i guess we’re upping the ante and challenging each other now, because your one is fucking hard too!

A: When something good happens, they are the first person i want to share it with. When they point out their imperfections and i look at them thinking they make that person the most beautiful and perfect thing ever to have existed.

Q: What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make?

I love your answer!

Last year when I returned from work to the flat that I shared with my boyfriend, I discovered he had left his hotmail account signed in whilst he was at work. I completely loved him but my intuition is always right and something made me read some messages. I could never be prepared for what I saw and by myself, in the home we had made for the last 2 years I sat and thought about what I should do. We owned everything together, shared friends and more to the point loved eachother. It would have been easy for me to have welcomed him home from work and not spoken a word about my discovery but I decided to leave my life as I knew it that very minute and never see him again!

Now that, was a hard decision… but liberating.

Q. What happens on a Saturday?

Well thank you, i like to think i have a good grip on being in love, even if i do fuck it up.

That’s awful - i’m so sorry. Funnily enough i have a pretty good idea of how much it hurts as it happened to me earlier in the year. You have my ultimate respect for walking out like that as its fucking amazing!

A: A long lay-in, followed typically by some kind of tedious shopping trip, then either a long night of dinner and drinking, or a cosy night of DVD + duvet.

Q: How do you know you’re in love?

I know I’m in love when I find myself talking about that person, every possible chance I get and daydreaming more often than usual. I also know I’m in love when I look at them and see perfection. When they call me, I’m excited, when they kiss me, I’m in heaven and when they are with me, I’m complete.

Q. Define being secure in yourself.

I love your answer! Think you and i are similar romantics They say a woman innately sees her world through the lens of love, whereas men compartmentalise.

A: An inner peace, confidence and faith that you are loved, acceptable and have all the things inside yourself that you need to achieve both happiness and your goals/dreams.

Q: When should you forgive?

Well, for me it totally depends on the nature of the crime. If someone maliciously took the life of someone I love then I would never forgive them. I’d most probably just want to kill them. We all makes mistakes and ask for forgiveness and so I’m quite a forgiving person just as long as I feel the person really wants to be forgiven and knows why and how their actions caused hurt in the first place.

Sometimes, I forgive but then have a completely different attitude towards that person. People say to forgive is to forget but that’s not my case. I will never hold it against them, or bring it up to knock them down but it will be firmly stored away in the memory box.

Q. What’s your idea of an amazing day out?

I completely agree.

A: Something out of the ordinary - adrenaline-racing and thereal strangeness during the day, a fantastic meal early evening with loads of drinks in an ambiently-lit smoky jazz cafe, and a candlelit 4-poster bed after a long slow taxi-ride on the London skyline.

Q: If there was one thing someone could say to you to make your day, what would it be?

Sounds almost perfect!

I often find people make my day and I tell them so. I also like to think I make someones day once in a while! The last one was having a complete stranger come up to me last weekend in a bar and tell me that I stand out from the crowd. He genuinely wasn’t trying it on and only stopped to tell me for a few moments but it made my night! It also makes my day to know I’ve made someone happy or helped them with something.

Q. What’s your style?

A: cycles of flippant sarcasm to intense encouragement, underpinned by a total lack of timekeeping ability or any discernable eye for detail.

Q: Where’s your heart?

There are little pieces of my heart everywhere… except on my sleeve. It is not entirely with one person, nor will it ever be!

Q. What do you do to make a difference?

A: By acting and persevering. Its only been a person on their own that has changed the world. And to shape world events or public opinion you only have to influence a small group of people.

Q: Which of your traits do you want and not want to pass on to your grandchildren?

Excellent answer too!

Ok. I’d want them to have my charm and good looks but not my bank balance! Hee!

Seriously. My passion and flair would be a great thing to pass on. I rarely get angry but I wouldn’t want to pass on the darkness that I feel when I do!

Q: Ever lied to make yourself look good?

The darkness - i like that. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

A: When i was younger, yes. A little exaggeration when i wanted impact. Nowadays my reputation is enough to carry me along before i meet most people so i rarely get the chance to talk about anything i want to rather because they’re interested in what i’ve already done.

Q: When did you last do something when you scared yourself?

Mmmmmm. This is very similar to another question you asked me!

I’m always doing things that I’m scared of! Actually, I know! When I was in Tunisia, I was picked out of the audience from about 100 others to have a cobra put around my neck. It was a violent cobra and the charmer put it to sleep around my neck! I was petrified! He made me stand up and walk around with it and when she took it out of its trance it was savage! Three men put it back in the box again. It was one of the best and worst things I’ve ever experienced but I was in so much shock, I spent the rest of the evening pretty horizontal!

Q: What was the last situation you were in that you could not see a way out of?

I’m checking for consistency Fuck me that’s scary. The only thing worse would be putting a tarantula in your mouth.

A: Almost every situation i get into, as they are all ridiculous. Relationships where i have done too much damage, projects i’ve committed to that over-reach, and goals that are sometimes too much. That’s when my faith comes into play, as for me The Boss always has a way when i inevitably don’t. Sets you up for some nice surprises!

God i was born to be a politician!

Q: Describe your perfect relationship.

My perfect relationship?

I need to be kept on my toes, not smothered and given space. Apart from that there would be an equal amount of love from both sides and we would each have our own independent lives that sort of fused together at the ends. There would be lots of communicating, no lies and plenty of laughter. I wouldn’t want confessions of love too early on or to be pestered for commitments into the future.

To summarise… fun, excitement, lust, trust, friendship and some red hot episodes would be key!

Q: What turns you off?

Perfect clone of mine!

A: Bad hygiene. Poor imagination. Emotional numbness. People-pleassing / conflict avoidance.

What turns me on? That black and white picture of you on the bed.

Q: If you could do anything now, what would you do? Why?

So, that’s why you want me to hide at your place!

If I could do absolutely anything now, I’d leave this little white box and step outside into my travel machine which would have me standing on a beach in St. Lucia in seconds. I’d jump on the nearest unicorn and fly over the warm seas looking at the brightly coloured fish swimming below me. Ummmm……. obviously. Why? Because you said I could do anything.

Q: Tea or coffee? This may sound like a weird question but I have reason!

Could be, although you already knew that, as well as knowing the kind of reaction those photos incite

A: Coffee, always. Tea is just muddy water that tastes like piss. Coffee is a man’s drink - its diverse, makes you feel great, and is a lubricant in all social situations.

Q: Why do you get up every day?

Now that is the right answer! I didn’t want to say it but I wouldn’t associate a tea drinker with any sort of power! I do sometimes drink green tea for its detoxing qualities though.

I get up each morning to live a new experience. Simple as that.

Q: Where do you want to be in 10 years?

Well looks like we are t the end of our Q&A! Green tea is fucking filth! My hairdresser tries to get me to drink every time i visit him, and i awlasy refuse as its for gays and people who like drining hot water with some green stuff in

A: Enjoying my new seat in Parliament, and picking my kids up from school in an Aston Martin.

The end of Q&A time? Well, it’s been emotional. (and this is just my attempt to have the final word!)

Have a fantastic weekend, I’m off to look for some trouble…

xx